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Every Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Ranked By How Likely Your Dad Will Tolerate Being In The Same Room With You While It’s On

Part of growing up is learning to see your parents not as just your parents, but as human beings. It’s a right of passage, a sort of epiphany that marks your first true steps into the world of adulthood. You find yourself eager to put aside all past turmoil and disagreement and engage with the people who gave birth to you on a human level, as equals. Then you come home and realize that this desire for human connection is entirely one-sided.

The closest I have so far come to bonding with my father as an adult man is watching an entire movie together, and even that is an extremely uphill battle. Here is every film from his favorite actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, ranked by how likely he will actually sit through the entire movie and sort of tolerate my presence in the room.

35. Junior

After a quick “This is the future liberals want!” he’s storming out to the bar. That might be for the best.

34. Kindergarten Cop

Our dad has never been big on children, a message Mom was kind enough to dictate into every birthday card growing up. He did say he likes the first 20 minutes of the movie and then it “Turns to absolute dick” after that.

33. Maggie

He lost interest once he read the words “A dedicated father” in the streaming service description.

32. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

He gave up once he realized there was a female Terminator. “They expect us to believe a girl could be a Terminator?!” He actually said that before leaving the room, and I’ve been unpacking how stupid that sentence is for hours.

31. Terminator: Dark Fate

To be fair we couldn’t make it all the way through this one either, but I made it further than Dad who walked off after his joke “There’s a dark fate for ya, women drivers!” didn’t get a laugh.

30. Last Action Hero

This movie was kind of a bomb, sure, but since it centers around a kid desperate for approval from a father figure, Dad wouldn’t even give it a chance.

29. The 6th Day

Best nap we’ve ever shared, that’s something.

28. Collateral Damage

Anytime John Leguizamo was on-screen Dad would say “I bet he did it, he looks like an MS13 guy.” I tried explaining that it wasn’t a mystery, and they showed who “did it” at the beginning of the movie, and he got mad at me and left the room.

27. Red Sonja

Dad thinks Brigitte Nielsen’s career was part of a government psyop to make men “confused.” He refuses to elaborate.

26. Terminator Genisys

Did you know that the Terminator’s mildly paternal demeanor in this film was “part of the liberal war on straight white masculine alphas?” Dad didn’t teach me to ride a bike, drive, or shave but it was super important to him that I learned this.

25. Batman & Robin

Another one dad bailed on due to a major plothole: “A guy with a body like that would just get a new wife.”

24. Jingle All the Way

Dad was never big on Christmas. Every year when we would open gifts in the morning he would stay in bed, coming downstairs only once or twice to tell us all to keep it down. He just doesn’t do well with expectations like gift shopping or decorating or showing the slightest shade of warmth toward children he made. He is on record saying Sinbad is “One of the good ones,” but he’s not sitting through “Jingle All The Way.”

23. Sabotage

My dad is highly critical of anyone with a neck tattoo unless they’re a cop. Then they’re “real men.” Why do I want to connect with this guy again?

22. Eraser

I actually have no memory of this movie. No one does. If you have ever watched this movie please let us know.

21. True Lies

James Cameron’s hit action/rom-com was a miss for Dad because “Women shouldn’t have their hair all short like that.”

20. Stay Hungry

I thought this movie went a little off the rails but in a fun way. My dad thought all those hippies needed haircuts and then went out and stood on the back porch looking towards the treeline for what seemed like four hours.

19. End of Days

Yeah, weirdly Dad went all in on the mediocre apocalyptic action film “End of Days.” To this day he still wears a WWJD bracelet, which he thinks stands for “What would Jericho do?”

18. The Expendables

Honestly, these movies are pretty unwatchable, but for some reason Dad likes them, and if sitting through them is my only shot at having at least one meaningful conversation with him in my adult life then I’m just going to have to suck it up.

17. The Expendables 2

As soon as the credits started to roll on “Expendables” he threw on “Expendables 2” without a word. At first, I thought he was just that desperate not to talk to me but he is glued to this thing. I actually heard him say “It’s even better than the first one.” Not to me, obviously, but to himself.

16. The Expendables 3

This is brutal, but he spoke to me! He turned his head, looked me in the eye, and said right to my face “They’re old, but they can still get the job done.” I have no idea what “The job” is, these movies are so bad your brain deletes them as you watch, but I’m starting to see why my 65-year-old hard-ass of a father loves them so much.

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