15. Pumping Iron
For a guy whose greatest fear was that I would turn out gay, my dad sure loves the shit out of “Pumping Iron.”
14. The Last Stand
There’s a scene in this movie where Arnold gets asked “How are you, sheriff?” and he replies “Old.” My dad laughed at that so fucking hard I honestly thought he was about to die. He rewound it 12 times, kept pointing at the screen repeating “Old!” and guffawing like a madman. I tried to show him one “Jackass” clip on my phone and he told me to stop wasting his time.
13. Escape Plan
Arnold and Sly were once fierce rivals, but they’ve worked together a lot in recent years, which is heartwarming. I mentioned that to Dad while this was on, hoping he would make some dot connections to our relationship and he said “You’re right, this movie is terrible.”
12. The Villain
This Looney Tunes-esque comedy hasn’t quite stood the test of time, but Dad loves Westerns, Kirk Douglas, and indigenous cultural appropriation so he stayed awake until the third act.
11. Conan the Barbarian/Conan the Destroyer
Another full watch along, a double feature no less, and another whole sentence! He didn’t look at me when he said it, but I was the only other person in the room so it was presumably meant for me. He said, “This was back when men were men.” I’m not sure my dad knows how fantasy works.
10. Hercules in New York
Dad: “You would have to be Hercules to live in a place as dangerous as New York!”
Me: “Dad, I’ve lived in New York for six years.”
Dad: “You have?!”
Me: “Yes. I’ve told you that many times.”
Dad: “Oh. Then why are you here?”
Me: “It’s Thanksgiving.”
Dad: “Oh. When is dinner?”
9. Raw Deal
It’s all the male fantasy of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie and all the male fantasy of a James Bond movie mashed together, so this one hits big with Dad. It didn’t exactly make us connect, but I like to think saying stuff like “Shut up and watch the movie” and “I don’t care about your personal life” are just Dad’s way of saying “I treasure this time together, son.”
8. The Running Man
I’ve seen my father cry twice in his entire life: When Barack Obama was elected president, and when Dynamo gets killed in “The Running Man.”
7. Red Heat
He kept waving his beer at Arnold and saying “Now that is what red-blooded American muscle looks like.” He’s Austrian, and playing a Soviet cop in the movie, but sure Dad, I’m just happy to be spending time together!
6. Twins
He kept telling us every scene was funny because DeVito and Schwarzenegger look nothing alike. Hey, it’s technically conversation, we’ll take it.
5. Commando
Commando is an over-the-top thrill ride, and I had a blast hooting and hollering with my dad through every explosion. I was only a little hurt when any time it briefly showed Arnold with his kid my dad would wave his Miller Lite around and go “Come on already.”
4. The Terminator
Dad: “This is how actors should be, strong and silent. Not all this yammering and quipping they all do now!”
Me: “You mean acting, dad?”
Dad: “Yeah, all that bullshit!”
3. Total Recall
Me: “Wow, imagine if it turned out your whole life was a memory implant, and your family turned out to be spies and you had to shoot them!”
Dad: “It wouldn’t be hard for me.”
Me: (Silence, for the rest of the night.)
2. Predator
Watching Predator with someone is the absolute height of masculine bonding, and it’s so quotable! My dad used to say “You give away our location again I’ll bleed ya. Real quiet” anytime I answered the phone as a kid and said, “Yeah, he’s here.”
1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Years from now, when I try to remember the good times with my dad growing up, I will come up with him showing me T2 at an inappropriately young age, and then I will draw a blank. I recently rewatched it with him during a visit home. At the end of the movie, I said “You know, The Terminator and John kind of become like father and son in this movie.” My dad gave me a long glance and said “Grab me a beer, would ya?” I was shocked. Dad had never asked me to have a beer with him before. I glided to the kitchen, grabbed two Miller Lites, and did my best to mask the joy I felt that this was finally happening. When I came back to the living room he said “Why did you grab me two beers? One of them will get warm. What are you an idiot?”
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