That’s a nice “Separation Sunday” shirt, but I can tell you’ve never listened to The Hold Steady the way I have. Until you’ve been banned from a Stone Temple Pilots subreddit for being too religious or proved that your childhood trauma stems from the Nebraska state fair, you don’t know shit about The Hold Steady.
I’m generous, so I’ll give you a chance to prove yourself. If you can name the best divorce attorney, AA meeting, and Hardware store in Omaha, I’ll mix this orange Gatorade with Diet Mountain Dew and chug it.
Let’s start easy. Who’s your favorite attorney? Trick question! You’ve only been divorced once, so you wouldn’t know! While you were listening to “Stay Positive”, I was tripling down on my mistakes. How many women have called you, “fucking hopeless,” lately? It’s five in the last week for me, dork! Anyway, if you could answer the question, you’d probably say Nebraska Legal Group even though the real answer is Husker Law.
You’re a poser, but if you get two out of three, I’ll throw up on the hot dog rollers in the 7-Eleven over there. So, where’s your favorite recovery meeting? I saw you at Alano Club once, but I RARELY attend meetings to ensure I’m permanently on the verge of relapse. The fear I’ll get so drunk that I shit myself and pass out on the lawn at my nephew’s birthday party is mega cool. Besides, if it weren’t for my dangerous dance with sobriety, how else could I connect to Craig Finn’s lyrics in such a meaningful way?
Looks like you’re in danger of getting shut out, hoss. So you can either recite all the lyrics to “The Price of Progress” or talk about hardware stores. If you get either one right, I’ll glue my toes together and run barefoot down the street with all that garbage juice on it. So when you need a new mailbox because your ex-wives set yours on fire, where do you go? Let me guess–you’re a Lowe’s guy. But use your head! Johnson Hardware down the street from the Omaha Dog Bar is the superior choice because it has fewer items and costs more. Plus, it smells like my first pressing of “Almost Killed Me” in there.
I knew this was a waste of time. I’m gonna go cry to “Boys and Girls in America” and eat some taquitos because you suck ass.