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Therapist Much Cheaper With Ads

LOS ANGELES — Executives at BetterHelp, an online resource for counseling and therapy, announced that their sessions will be made cheaper with the introduction of advertisements that randomly interrupt the call, distraught sources confirmed.

“I feel stupid that we didn’t think of this sooner,” said BetterHelp CEO Alon Matas. “The indecisive clients will sit patiently through the ads and the stubborn will pay even more for what they want. Then we introduce more expensive bundles – packages with therapists who actually listen, sexier therapists, or even sessions with access to the media libraries of Disney+ and Hulu. In any case, we’re minting money off these sad sacks. It’s ultimately their fault for needing therapy in the first place, I’ll tell you what, most of the people that use our platform are verifiable whackos if you ask me.”

BetterHelp users have had a mixed response to the new changes.

“I guess it’s been good for me to get a break every 12 minutes so I can learn about the new Carvana financing guarantees,” said spineless push-over and beta tester Matthew Coddle. “I never feel like I’m being listened to and that goes back to the fact my parents were never around, but I guess that’s just selfish to trauma dump all the time. And the commercials have given me some good and direct advice. Since using this program, I’ve created five HelloFresh accounts and finally worked up the courage to tell my dad ‘Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks.’ So, I think I’m happier… I guess.”

Many therapists have spoken out about this frustrating change in their profession.

“I feel that BetterHelp is not only taking advantage of people seeking out mental health services, they are also devaluing what my colleagues and I do as a career,” said Dr. Melinda Gunson. “In order to compete with their pricing model I’ve had to offer similar plans where I have a local car dealer come in halfway through a session and let my client know about the features on the latest line of Mazda SUVs. It’s been a tough adjustment.”

At press time, BetterHelp partner brands announced they are changing their commercials to be more relatable for their viewers and will feature Little Caesar exhibiting signs of clinical depression and the Charmin Bear parents will spout Conservative Catholic viewpoints while engaging in corporal punishment.