Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Why Pay a Restaurant To Put Fries on My Sandwich When I Could Just Be Sad at Home

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

Last week I decided to treat myself and went to one of those fancy burger joints with the $12 IPAs and the burgers that come with a knife sticking out of them, and I happened upon an epiphany. As I stared at a giant, block-lettered, brushed steel “DEFEND QUALITY” sign, trying to make out the Turnover song playing in the background, my food arrived. That’s when it hit me. I just paid $20 for a goddamn regular-ass cheeseburger that has fries on top of it that I’m going to devour alone when I should have just stayed home and been sad instead.

Gastropubs have never been my thing. The ambient music in the background is always a mixed bag, plus the food isn’t really all that spectacular. At the end of the day I’m just holding onto four or five crumpled-up napkins and burger juice is running up my arms while listening to “Girlfriend in a Coma” on repeat. But if I wanted to be a sad, onion and garlic soaked display of unwholesome gastronomy, I’d much rather have done this in the privacy of my 400 square foot windowless studio apartment. Not only would it have saved me a buck or two, but I think everybody would benefit from not seeing me in this state of gluttonous consumption and eventual self-loathing.

The next day I went to the grocery store by my apartment. To my delight they had everything I needed. Fries in the freezer aisle, burgers near the butcher, artisanal rolls, cheese, pickles, and condiments. Heck, I even picked up a pack of hotdogs in case I still had some self-worth after dinner. I preheated the oven, fired up the George Foreman, dialed in my favorite slowcore playlist, and let out a sigh of relief. My burger was topped with fries and I could finally face my demons without risking eye contact with anyone. As I dozed off to the sound of my own internal screaming, I finally felt peace.

Punk House Bedbug Exhausted

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Krissy Howard

TOPEKA, Kan. — A nine-month-old bedbug currently residing in local punk house and objectively disgusting place, 321, is reportedly at her limit of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.

“When I first got here I thought I had it made—every inch of this place is dark, damp, and thanks to a landlord who doesn’t believe utilities are his problem, hot as fuck, 24/7,” stated the bedbug, already nearly twice the average bedbug age thanks to the decrepit conditions it’s housed in. “But at this point, I just really need a break. There’s a new crop of bodies sleeping on the floor here every night, the carpets haven’t been vacuumed since before Obama’s first term, and those mattresses that girl dragged in from behind the Super 8 down the street aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. I’m tempted to jump onto the mailman just to get out of here for 10 minutes and take a nap.”

Fellow parasites who inhabit the house share in the bedbug’s grief over having no days off, or even hope for a break in the foreseeable future.

“We’re currently in talks to join forces with the scabies on Jamie [Sherman’s] wrist and organizing a walkout, but I just heard from a very reliable source that she joined her friend’s band on tour for a few weeks, so who knows what she’ll come back with,” said a flea, while communicating with a team of body lice over handheld walkie-talkies. “Plus, you know those damn crabs aren’t friendly to unions, at least not since that electric razor in the bathroom got its batteries replaced. We’ll just have to carry on in the meantime.”

Punk house residents have no plans to change the conditions of their dwellings and recommend any and all pests “take a hike” if they aren’t OK with it.

“We give these fuckers endless food, countless cramped, old sleeping bag-covered surfaces to rest in, and an inexplicably humid bathroom any disease could only dream of multiplying in, and this is the thanks we get?” said occasional house resident when he’s back in town for a minute, Shel Horwiz. “Well if they don’t like it they can just go find some other house full of people to make all itchy and gross. I’m not gonna beg them to stick around, I have standards.”

At press time, the bedbug was seen giving herself a pep talk in the mirror before scurrying across the room and biting Horwitz on the back three times.

Review: Arch Enemy “Deceivers”

Posted on March 20, 2022 by John Danek

With all the turmoil in the world, we can be happy that Swedish legends Arch Enemy are back with their long-awaited 11th album “Deceivers” which once again raises the bar for anyone in the melodic death metal genre.

Everyone has their own personal arch-enemy in life. For some, it may be a childhood bully or dickhead boss, or maybe something more abstract like agoraphobia. Mine was fellow 11th grader Zach Dobrowsky.

Zach and I were the only two kids in our class who took playing guitar seriously. But it always felt like he was a step ahead. I had a Guitar World magazine subscription, he had Guitar Player. I learned a song, he learned it in half the time. I uploaded an mp3 to some shady file hosting site, he had a proper artist page on PureVolume.

Things came to a climax at the Winter Talent Show. My crush Jessica’s favorite song at the time was Avenged Sevenfold’s “Bat Country.” So I decided to play that on guitar for the show. In the lead-up, I offhandedly mentioned this to Zach, who seems surprised that I would pick such a tough song but admits that he can’t sweep-pick either. He then passive-aggressively wished me luck.

Cut to the talent show. Dobrowsky is on the list before me. When it’s his turn, he walks out on stage with his Ibanez guitar. The lights darken. A creepy voice bellows “He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.” HE STOLE MY SONG. Not only does he shred the “Bat Country” solo, he NAILS the sweep-picking part. I was just going to play something easier over it.)

Jessica asks Zach to the prom right after he walks offstage. I drop out of the talent show without performing. At prom, she gives him an over-the-pants hand job. That should have been my OTPHJ. MINE.

Anyways, Arch Enemy’s new album “Deceivers” is a constant reminder of my failure. Seven-string guitar virtuoso Jeff Loomis makes a point of sweep-picking and rubbing it in my face on almost every track. Frontwoman Alissa White-Gluz gets in on the fun too and seems to love reminding me that I can’t sing nor scream in any way that another human being would find enjoyable. But I can probably play bass as well as their bassist. Whatever.

If you’re curious about where we stand today, Zach and Jessica have a beautiful family with 4 little angel children, and I’m getting sued because my dog bit an old lady in a wheelchair last week.

SCORE: 5 Broken strings and 1 heart that has never healed

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Woman Wastes Whole Weekend at Star Wars Hotel Without Finding One Ewok to Fuck

Posted on March 20, 2022 by Dianne Nora

ORLANDO — Krista Lane, a librarian, mother of three, and self-described “Star Warrior of the Resistance,” reportedly wasted her weekend at the Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser novelty hotel searching for a real-life ewok to fuck.

“I had been saving up for this weekend for so long,” Lane said, still wearing her all-access bracelet for the hotel’s Late Night Cantina. “I completed a Whole 30 to look as sexy as possible in my Leia-style golden bikini, left my kids with my ex for the weekend, and promised myself I wouldn’t answer a work email until I’d found one of Endor’s finest furry little sex machines and had the sort of night I’d been fantasizing about since I first saw ‘Return of the Jedi’ in 1983. I’d like to say at least I tried, but I know what that hot little piece of ass Yoda would say: ‘Do or do not. There is no try.’”

Bartender Daryl Watt said that in the brief time he’s worked at the Galactic Starcruiser, he’s seen many colorful characters.

“I did see Ms. Lane there, and like many of our customers, she seemed…how do I say this politely? She seemed really randy for these Star Wars characters,” Watt confirmed. “Honestly, I couldn’t tell if she was looking for a cosplay-type scenario or if she honestly thought ewoks were real. But I’m not really surprised by anything anymore. I’ve seen adults who think they’ve been called to the Dark Side. I saw a grown man who wrote in his will that he wanted to be frozen in carbonite when he died. One guy kept telling me I was the droid he was looking for and asked if he could cover me in metallic paint. It’s gotten pretty weird, but fuck it, the tips are good.”

Alara Delaney, an executive at Disney Hotels and Resorts, suggested that the organization was open to creating more experiences for sexually-charged Star Wars fans to connect.

“Our market research has shown that while Disney remains a family-friendly company, there’s a growing subsection of loyal fans seeking to explore their sexuality through our associated brands,” Delaney said. “While we’re reviewing options to tap into this growing market, we wish to clarify that Disney is not formally associated with any Marvel Cinematic Universe key parties, the association of Star Wars Swingers, or whatever is happening at the Balloo and Friends Rubber Room.”

At press time, Lane was on her flight home seen asking a man dressed as Jar Jar Binks to “join meesa for a quickie in the airplane bathroom.”

Are You There, God? It’s Me, The Hot Milf In Your Area

Posted on March 20, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

I seek console with the Lord who art in Heaven, thou who hath wrought my sexy hot existence upon this earth. I wish to directly address the big man upstairs, the almighty and powerful celestial Being who saw in his great cosmic plan to spawn me, an all powerful, all existing, sexually insatiable mother of 3. Are you there, God? It’s me, the hot MILF in your area.

It was your word, O’ God, that hath commanded horny teens and bored adults alike, “Let them stare.” And stare they will, for my fleshy hot mom bod is equally forbidden and equally available behind a simple paywall as the Pornhub scrolls seem to indicate.

An oration from the song of Solomon speaks: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” Ah, but this horny MILF assures you, it pleases. I sit upon my throne of generic viagra yearning and singing my siren’s call for those who may satiate my desires.

O’ the secrets I keep. I possess endless knowledge, secrets only the most powerful men share. Approximately only 15% of those with erectile dysfunction to be precise. Doctors hate our vast powerful knowledge of increasing cum loads and conjuring erections on demand, only because they hate what they fear.

Although weak men may fear my presence, all shall desire me. This is my strength, and my curse, O’ Lord, as your covets have beseeched. My existence, everywhere at once, suggests only the most obvious. I am as powerful as God Himself. I alone can last an eternity playing any try not to cum game and yet I alone shall be cursed to be endlessly horny in all places at all times.

Those with the courage and funds to seek me, shall also find me. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand full of generic levitra, and with my left, full of erection.

From the jizz soaked windows of a fake taxi cab in Los Angeles, to the unseen horrors at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. I am, I was, and I always shall be. My name is Hot MILF, Queen of Queens; Look upon my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!

Band Uses Wrong QR Code to Promote Show, Now Expected to Provide 2 for $5 Big Macs

Posted on March 20, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

OMAHA, Neb. – Local indie band Forget to Breathe caused a small stir when frontman Rick Otto inadvertently linked to a McDonald’s coupon for 2 for $5 Big Macs on the QR code promoting the show, hungry and disappointed sources confirmed.

“I was really hungry when I was making the flyers, and opened a new tab to find some McDonald’s coupons. I guess when it was time to produce the QR code, I pasted in the wrong URL,” Otto laughed as he waved the rest of his bandmates into the VFW hall with a camping grill and other provisions. “I know, total rookie move, but I know this community, and I think we’ll all have a good laugh about it. We’re going to sling some homemade burgers by the merch table before our set, and hope that everybody’s a good sport. It’s the best we can do, and I hope everybody understands.”

Todd Garret and his family were some of the many residents that had their evening ruined by what they considered to be one of the most egregious forms of false advertising they’ve seen in recent memory.

“Not a single fucking sesame seed to be seen and they’re clearly using Thousand Island dressing instead of the signature sauce we all know and love,” said Garrett as he waved his burger back and forth in angry disappointment. “The pretenses in which I’ve been led to this venue were misleading. The burgers were free, but that’s beside the point. I’d gladly fork out the cash for a legit Big Mac, because I promised my family Big Macs, not some cheap imitation. Forget to Breathe? More like Forgot the Cheese. The opening band fucking sucked too.”

Promotion expert Kenneth Stillman weighed in on what is now known as the “Burger Debacle.”

“No matter what kind of promotion you run, you’re going to run into people who aren’t happy with what you’re offering. People are always going to play the victim and act like this entire event was orchestrated in some way to specifically inconvenience them,” said Stillman. “At the end of the day, it’s a numbers game. The more units you flip, the better you do. And when it comes to the average DIY show, people are grilling all the time. As long as everybody leaves with either a concussion or indigestion, I’d consider the event to be a resounding success.

At press time, Garrett was seen screaming at McDonald’s customer service on his cell phone while his family begged him to just stop somewhere else for dinner.

Top 11 Things To Do While You Wait for Metallica’s “One” to Get to the Good Part

Posted on March 19, 2022 by John Danek

“One” by Metallica is not only a great thrash metal song, it’s one of the most kickass pieces of music ever. But if we’re really being honest with ourselves, it doesn’t really get good until Lars & the Gang kick on their distortion pedals and start laying into some sick double kick drum chugga-chuggas. And you can’t just fast-forward to the exciting part, otherwise the climax isn’t nearly as good. (Just ask my wife.)

Here are 11 ways to pass the time until Metallica’s “One” starts thrashing balls.

Install that bidet you got for Christmas

Lars’ drumming is going to shake some things loose within you (both metaphorically and literally), so why not give yourself the best cleanup method for the aftermath?

Analyze the case study of Metallica vs. Napster, Inc.

Just because you can’t pass the bar exam doesn’t mean you can’t pass the time with this infuriating landmark court case.

Start War & Peace

Let’s not get ridiculous here- you won’t be able to finish the book before the song’s apex, but you’ll put in a decent dent, say 75% or so, assuming you’re a fast reader.

Use the rock tumbler you got in second grade

To this day, no one human on earth knows what a rock tumbler does. Does it polish roigneous rocks into shivs? Does it use centripetal force to open a wormhole to another universe? Today is the day to find out.

Teach yourself how to solder

There are few things as badass as the finale of this song, but one of them is melting metal with your own hands. Learn how to solder and you’ll be fixing shit left and right, all while silently yelling along to “DARKNESS! IMPRISONING ME!”

FaceTime Nana

She wants to get off the call faster than you will ever realize, so you could probably FaceTime your other grandma too!

Jack Off

Or jill off. Go for it- you got time. But please don’t do this immediately after Nana.

Add to Your Criterion Channel Watchlist

Try to decide if “Amacord” is worth watching or why “Armageddon” is in the Criterion collection as you wait for a guitar solo so good, Kirk Hammett didn’t even feel the need to turn his wah pedal on.

Open a bunch of tabs in search of a therapist, but never follow through with any

Your partner wants to think you’re looking for a shrink, but we all know Metallica’s perfect sextuplet palm mutes are all the mental healing you need.

Listen to Metallica’s “Fuel”

“Fuel” is 4:30 which will get you to the tolerable part of “One” which you should continue to play at a low volume so you know where you’re at. While you listen to the songs together, ask yourself how in a span of 8 years Metallica went from prog-thrash masterpieces to shilling for Big Oil with NHL arena riffs.

Research which USB car charger to replace the one stolen from your car last week

USB 2.0 vs USB 3.0 vs USB-C? Does it even matter if it’s a charger? Don’t worry, James will still be singing by the time you figure it out.

New Report Shows “We Run This City” is Most Common Phrase Said By 22-Year-Olds Whose Parents Still Pay Their Phone Bill

Posted on March 19, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — A team of researchers at Fordham University discovered that “we run this city” is the most common phrase said by affluent, slightly buzzed, zoomers standing on the balconies of their Manhattan apartments.

“We have studied college-age students across New York for the past seven years and the results have been stunning. Young students who have the financial support of their families are 7,000% more likely to pursue a career making digital art and hold nightly get-togethers where they drink straight from a wine bottle and loudly reflect on how ‘this town belongs to them,’” said Allie Carstesos, an analyst that compiled the data. “Conversely, young students that work two jobs just to put themselves through school and live in a ratty Queens apartment are most commonly overheard saying ‘none of this fucking matters’ and ‘I hope today is the day I get run over by a bus.’”

Anna Wallace, a film student at NYU, is one of the many subjects who claim ownership over New York.

“This is my fucking town! We own this fucking bitch!” said Wallace as she drank another White Claw from the penthouse apartment her parents pay for. “Every one of those mother fuckers down there is just jealous. Nobody can fuck with me. I need you to understand this, if you try to fuck with me then you will get fucked with, ok? If you don’t know who I am you will soon. Believe that, bitch.”

Social media analysts helped contribute multiple data points to the study and were quick to single out some of the more troubling findings.

“One thing we see more often than not is wealthy children pretending to be sex workers online. They will often have an OnlyFans and sell used underwear through private Instagram accounts, but on their main account they are on their parents’ boat or showing off their new car,” said freelance anthropologist Demi Howser. “It’s a very strange form of rebellion because every person we asked about this said ‘please don’t tell my parents if they find out they will fucking kill me.’ We really have no idea what’s going on, other than maybe it’s a weird form of street cred.”

Fordham University hopes to soon release a similar study that shows the phrase “do you know who my father is?” is said most often by children born to the Chief of Police.

How to Immediately Discredit Anybody With a Quick “Yikes”

Posted on March 19, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

It happened to me. I was at the bar with friends when the unthinkable happened: an acquaintance expressed an opinion on an issue that I disagreed with. Even worse, no one immediately punched or fired them like I was expecting. Had my experiences on Twitter deceived me? This isn’t how the world works! After taking some deep breaths and counting backward from ten, I calmly, but assertively, gave that chud a big fat “yikes.”

Every head at the bar turned and shook with disapproval. My group’s pleasant conversation screeched to a halt. My so-called “acquaintance” was frozen in their tracks, stammering to fix the situation. Most importantly, I had won. And you can too! All thanks to one incredible syllable.

That’s when I realized something. I could use “yikes” on anybody at any time and get the same result. I put my theory to the test. I went to a thrift store. I was digging through the record bin and spotted a copy of Queen’s “Jazz.” The guy next to me said “Great album! Not my favorite of theirs, but still a great find!” I hit him with my most condescending “Yikes.” As he stuttered trying to explain that he much preferred “The Game,” I quickly hit him with a “that ain’t it, chief,” and went on with my day leaving pure devastation in my wake.

It was at this time I realized the power I had at my fingertips. All you have to do to get out of any exchange is to have a little bit of a stink face, have a vaguely condescending tone, and say “yikes!” When they’re still stunned from the initial attack, hit them with a quick “oof,” or even a “wow, okay.” Even if bystanders don’t know the context, they’ll assume you have the moral high ground and the willingness to snap a pic of them and post a fabricated story online. The one small problem with this strategy is that I think I overused it because nobody will even talk to me anymore.

Man Who Filmed Entire Show With His Phone Rushes Home To Watch It Afterward

Posted on March 19, 2022 by Antonio Cruise

AKRON, Ohio — Local man Dennis Bennet hurried home after filming an entire three-and-a-half-hour punk show at the Grog Shop in Cleveland on Saturday night to rewatch all the bands, sources who have no interest in watching the choppy, blurry video confirmed.

“I was almost late to record the opener because I was doing my pre-show arm raising exercises in the parking lot. And then after I got in I realized my iCloud was just about full. Luckily I was able to quickly delete a two-hour video of my son’s T-ball practice to free up some space on my phone,” explained Bennet. “During the show, all I could think about was getting home and editing my footage on iMovie. Adding comic sans titles and page-turning transitions give it a real polished look. When it’s all done and posted to Youtube I like to screen it on my projector and blast my surround sound system. It really creates an immersive experience.”

Fellow show attendee, Brandon Parsons, reported seeing Bennet in the middle of a pit trying to get the best angles.

“His stamina was actually pretty impressive. At one point I saw his arm starting to tremble a little bit but he found a way to power through it,” Parsons stated. “There definitely was an unspoken agreement with everyone moshing that he was to be left alone to pursue his art. He seemed to be really focused on his task, and honestly, two-stepping around him wasn’t a big deal at all. You know, now that I think about it, the only time I saw him move around was when he pulled a portable battery pack from his pocket to charge his phone.”

Former Behavioral Psychologist, Kimberly Jenkins, noted that this type of behavior is becoming increasingly more common.

“This can be categorized as a variant of obsessive-compulsive disorder known as Hoarding Disorder. This often involves objects, but he can feel a need to hoard memories as well. So instead of cat-murdering piles of newspapers, he hoards these sad, shaky videos of poorly lit punk bands”, explained Jenkins. “If he doesn’t get the professional help he needs he could spiral. I’ve seen cases where people record adults singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to other adults. How fucked up is that?”

At press time, Bennet was seen carefully choreographing a low-angle shot at his grandma’s funeral.

Photo by Newman Wolf.