We Tried Masturbating Until It Lost Its Fun and Honestly We Have No Idea What Billy Joe Armstrong Was Talking About

Posted on by Stephen Bell

In Green Day’s song “Longview,” singer Billy Joe Armstrong makes reference to masturbating until it loses its fun. We decided to try this out and, honestly, we are perplexed as to what this dude is talking about.

The instant we started pulling our pork it felt pretty damn good. Now we considered that maybe he meant after a few times the sensation goes away. But guess what? It never did! The sheer thrill of each orgasm just excited us enough to look forward to the next time we could stop being flaccid.

According to the band, a ‘Green Day’ is a day where you stay at home doing nothing but smoking weed. Well then call this a ‘Peen Day’ because masturbating never got boring. Maybe he meant if you started chafing then it wouldn’t be fun. Well, we went through enough Astroglide though to cover several large seals so it wasn’t a problem for us.

It is also suggested during the song that laziness comes into play regarding masturbation losing its fun. I guess that means we’re a much more motivated masturbator who doesn’t give up after a few measly warm-up tugs.

We suppose that if the prospect of having actual sex were to come up, that might deter us from masturbating. Why have imitation when you can have the real thing? Good luck though trying to attract a partner when you’re constantly masturbating to prove some point you’ve already forgotten. So for now it looks like we’re going to keep masturbating until the Internet runs out of new pornography to offer.

Band Who Can’t Get Booked at Local DIY Space Declares They Will Never Play in Israel

Posted on by John Danek

PETALUMA, Calif. — Indie/jangle pop band Diet Water vowed that they will never play a show in Israel out of support of Palestine, though peers in their scene consider this claim redundant as Diet Water seemingly can’t get booked at the smallest of local DIY spaces.

“Diet Water promises our fans that we refuse to ever play a show in a country with an active apartheid state like Israel!” declared frontman Lyle Lock, despite the fact that Diet Water has only played shows at the various members’ places of residence. “Not only are we boycotting Israel, we actually don’t have any upcoming shows anywhere. So could some venues in Petaluma like Corner Gallery show us some love and please book us so we can spread our message? All our friends’ bands play there, yet no one responds to my emails. I’ve been attaching our demos which have upwards of 26 plays on SoundCloud.”

The other members of Diet Water went on to further clarify Lock’s bold statement of protest.

“I just want to say that we do not oppose Israel out of any sort of hate or anti-Semitism. Hell, we love Jews! But not like, in a fetish sort of way,” explained keyboardist Paul Lorner, who has been asked to stop hanging around Corner Gallery due to his “creepy” attempts to befriend staff and get his band booked. “Also, any rumors you may have heard about all the members of our band contracting bubonic plague are wildly exaggerated and definitely a HIPAA violation. Those rumors were probably started by people who disagree with our politics. But not Jews! I am not blaming Jews.”

Celebrities in the BDS (Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions) movement applauded Diet Water’s stance.

“I commend those lads for seeing the truth of Palestine’s situation,” said legendary musician Roger Waters, former member of Pink Floyd. “But I must admit that their music is horrific. Utter shite. No self-respecting venue should book them, including stages in Israel. I’d rather listen to Pink Floyd’s sterile albums after I left the band than Diet Water. But ah well, we’ll take whatever support we can find.”

Diet Water’s hollow protests continue as the band has sworn off all sex in protest of the leaked Supreme Court Roe vs. Wade decision.

“Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining”? 10 Times Stevie Nicks Was Dead Wrong About Science

Posted on by Max Barth

Stevie Nicks is unquestionably one of the greatest pop songwriters of all time. Unfortunately for her fans, she’s long made a career out of a complete disregard for scientific accuracy, and blood is on her hands. Here are ten times she was DEAD wrong about science:

“Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining”  – Dreams

Bzzt. Nope. Stevie Nicks, aspiring meteorologist, needs to head back to class. because thunder can absolutely occur without rain during an appropriately named phenomenon known as a ‘dry thunderstorm,’ which transpire when the vast majority of precipitation evaporates before it hits the ground. Nicks is full of shit here.

“Maybe We are Together in a Parallel Universe” – Destiny Rules

Maybe there’s a universe where Nicks doesn’t spout off about a theory that can be neither disproven or proven, despite its recent popularization in comic book movies. I personally hope there are infinite universes, because there should be one where this liar faces justice for her scientific illiteracy.

“When You Hang Up that Phone, Well you Cease to Exist” – Welcome to the Room…Sarah

Literal babies develop object permanence at eight months of age. Jesus christ.

“If I Live to See the Seven Wonders, I’ll Make a Path to the Rainbow’s End.” – Seven Wonders

The only wonder here is me, wondering where the hell Nicks gets off sprouting the schoolyard canard that a rainbow has a physical end one can locate on the ground. Obvious bullshit.

“And a Black Widow spider Makes More Sound than She” – Sisters of the Moon

While some spiders can make a hissing or purring noise, the black widow spider (an overly broad, frankly amateur-level term that could refer to as many as 34 different species in the family Theridiidae) is not one of them. Therefore it makes no sound, thus it is not louder than a living human’s heartbeat. Eat shit, liar.

“Blue-gray eyes… They Change with the Color…Change with the Sun.” – Blue Denim

Incorrect! The notion that eyes can change color in response to natural events, while possibly romantic to naive virgins, is utter hogwash.  Save it for the Twilight fan fiction, Stevie.

“Time Makes You Bolder” – Landslide

Fact check: fuck no. A recent study of the fear response in rats suggests that the development of the prefrontal cortex makes older individuals slower to “clear” fear from the mind and more aware of the risks associated with actions. Time may have made Ms. Nicks bolder, but if so, she’s an outlier using said boldness to spread absolute nonsense.

“She Rules Her Life like a Fine Skylark” – Rhiannon

Sigh. A Skylark refers to the Alauda genus of birds, of which there are four extant species,  mostly critically endangered weaklings far from the top of any food chain. Stevie’s idiotic claim further falls apart in the face of common sense, for all creatures live at the cruel mercy of nature, thus none–even the mighty White-winged lark–can be said to truly “rule” their life.

“Lightning Strikes, Maybe Once, Maybe Twice” – Gypsy

Yeah, no. There are 8.6 million lightning strikes worldwide, every single day. People need to be aware of the danger, and while we can’t begin to understand Ms. Nick’s sick fascination with meteorological disinformation, she is doing her listeners a great disservice. Her continued uninformed pontificating has certainly gotten people killed. She has blood on her hands.

“Just Like the White Winged Dove. Sings a Song. Sounds like She’s Singin’ Whoo-whoo-whoo” – Edge of Seventeen

Google that shit and tell me that’s what a dove sounds like. If she had any ornithological or onomatopoeic credibility, Nicks would have had the guts to simply sample the dove’s cry directly on the track rather than describe it in such childishly inaccurate terms. Cows don’t say “moo”, either, fuckface.

Webster’s Updates Definition of “Self-Made” to Include “Only One Rich Parent with Industry Connections”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — Popular dictionary manufacturer Merriam-Webster made an unexpected change to the definition of “self-made” to include musicians with only one wealthy, connected parent, frustrated DIY sources confirmed.

“Contrary to popular belief, our goal is not to dictate what words mean, but instead to define how words are used in society,” explained editor Inaayah Washington. “That’s why, after years of nepotistic music industry brats pretending they had no help from their rich parents, we’ve updated the meaning of ‘self-made’ to make room for those with just one connected parent that financially supported them while they pursued their dreams. So congrats, Lars Ulrich, Kid Rock, Ezra Koening, and Lana Del Ray, in the eyes of Webster’s you’ve also pulled yourself up by your bootstraps.”

Duncan Silva, guitarist of the indie rock outfit La La and the Blah Blahs, applauded Webster’s decision.

“Sure, in some ways I grew up very privileged. Raised on the Upper East Side, summering in France, a record exec dad. But despite this, I’ve had my fair share of struggles. I had braces for most of middle school, so I was almost too ugly to even make it,” said Silva. “I think it’s great that the dictionary is now conforming to my reality instead of the other way around. I really hope this opens the door for more rich kid rockstars donning working-class cosplay, and rappers repping neighborhoods they’d be way too terrified to ever actually step foot in.”

Linguist Dr. David Ingram pointed out that it is not uncommon for entertainment to influence language.

“The meanings of words change over time, usually for the stupider. Like how ‘literally’ now also means literally the opposite of the word’s intended definition,” said Dr. Ingram. ”Interestingly, this isn’t the first time the music industry has reshaped common words and phrases. Consider how the word ‘advance’ went from meaning a lump sum of money from a record label to ‘indentured servitude’ and ‘talent agent’ means ‘leach that gets 10% of your salary for doing dick all.’”

More recently, a collective of rock stars including Jimmy Paige, Ted Nugent, and Steven Tyler have petitioned Webster’s to change the definition of “sex predator” to not include those with five or fewer accusations.

I Know This Might Make Me Lose Followers, but Here’s a Completely Safe Take on Things That 100% Of You Will Agree With

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

You know what? I’m sick and tired of you chicken-shit slacktivists always pandering and never putting your asses on the line. You hide behind your keyboards but you never put your money where your mouth is. I know this might make me lose followers but I simply don’t care anymore: I have to get these easily digestible, 100% safe, preaching-to-the-choir talking points off my chest. I guess that’s just the price you pay for being the only person with the fucking balls to say what’s on your mind.

For one thing, murdering puppies is wrong. You hear me, assholes! Don’t fucking do it. It costs literally zero dollars to not wrap your hands around baby Fido’s neck and squeeze until the whimpering stops. Why am I the only person talking about this?

And don’t get me started on the “pineapple on pizza” bullshit. Strap in you wannabe edgelords, because I’m about to spill some fucking tea and mop it up with your diapers. Pineapple is a perfectly suitable topping for a pizza but it all depends on how it’s prepared. If I saw it at a party it’s a coin-toss on whether or not I’d enjoy it. Is this pineapple fresh or canned? Juicy or blackened? Is there ham? I’m going to stick my neck out for all of you fucking pussies and boldly proclaim it’s a matter of preference.

Don’t worry, cryptobros, I haven’t forgotten about you. You want to know what I really think about your precious fucking cryptocurrencies? I think that if they are part of a larger, more diverse portfolio of stocks and bonds, cryptocurrency could be a viable part of your investment strategy with room to grow steadily and incrementally. But as with any volatile, high-risk venture, it’s best not to sink all your eggs into one basket. If you have some extra cash, it couldn’t hurt to dabble.

Don’t fucking @ me.

Punk’s Missing Dog Eating Better on Street Than It Ever Did at Home

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Blitz Greg Bop, a rescue dog belonging to local punk Jimmy McCallister, significantly upgraded his dietary lifestyle since running away from home last Tuesday, confirmed sources who say the dog has never looked better.

“The posters all say I’m missing, but I can’t really say I’m ‘missing’ anything,” laughed Blitz in between bites of a fresh salmon filet laid out by a local butcher. “The people here in the Market District treat me like a goddamn king. Yesterday I got a full-ass steak with some carrot paste on top because the human serving it said it would help my digestion. Crazy to think that a couple weeks ago I was lucky just to get some leftover chicken bones from Jimmy’s Popeye’s order. That asshole didn’t even leave me any skin. I’m never going back at this rate.”

A distraught McCallister expressed concern over Blitz’s safety and wellbeing.

“Lil’ Blitz has been gone for over a week now and I’m just beside myself, bro. I made sure I left some Funyuns dust on a paper plate for him outside to lure him back because he loves that shit. I’m running low on ideas, I thought he’d be back by now,” sighed McCallister. “I mean, it’s honestly doing a number on my house, too. The flies are starting to take over because I haven’t been able to give him my day-old beers like I usually do. Stale PBR is his favorite. I just miss him so much, man.”

Local Animal Shelter employee, Anna Lynn, explained that the phenomenon of escaped “punk-house” dogs is a common occurrence as temperatures rise in the summer.

“It’s sad, but we do see it quite a bit. A lot of these pups actually start out as strays, owing their survival to their innate ability to manipulate deli and restaurant owners into giving them free food. I mean, who could resist a face like this lil’ guy’s?” asked Lynn in reference to a schnauzer mix wearing a Cro-Mags bandana. “Once winter rolls around and these dogs start seeking shelter, it’s typically well-intentioned punks with low impulse control that decide to take them in. The nutritional value in their diet starts to plummet at this point, and the cycle starts all over again.”

At press time, McCallister was seen carefully placing a paper towel caked with marinara sauce on his front steps next to a bowl of warm Black Label while tearfully calling out Blitz’s name.

We Gave up Lattes for a Month and, With Our Savings, We Bought One Big-Ass Latte

Posted on by Alex Aho

The cost of living makes it difficult to save up. I’ve had my share of months where I’ve had to scramble to make rent. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. I’m living proof that if you make the effort to abstain from spending on select, simple pleasures, you can eventually save enough to invest in more substantial assets. I gave up my daily 20-ounce lattes for one month, and by the end, I was able to afford one single big-ass latte.

Don’t believe me? Just do the math. One latte costs about 5 dollars. 5 dollars a day for 30 days adds up to 150 dollars. Factor in a small loan from my parents for an additional 150 dollars and, boom, that’s more than enough to purchase one latte so big, that its contents could fill the circulatory systems of a Scandinavian rugby team.

Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of self-control to resist indulging in my daily pick-me-ups. But dodging those cravings was a motivator to pick up new, healthier habits. I distracted myself by trying out meditation, catching up on reading, and strategizing how on earth to transport this Holstein Friesian steer of a beverage to my studio apartment.

I should say that, after a month, when I finally faced down that price tag, I winced. It’s scary to spend so much on large, long-term commitments. But truthfully, buying in bulk is the wiser choice. I paid more upfront, but I’ll save in the long term. Of course, the café did have to order a special-made cup to hold the titanic concoction, as well as call in an employee named “Big Hans” whom the baristas had only heard of but never seen to pour it, but those fees are negligible and part of the process.

It’s hard to gauge how much of this thing I’ve drank already. My stomach hurts and I’m sweating in places I didn’t know I could sweat so I’ve taken in a lot more caffeine than I’m used to, but there’s still plenty left. I’ll just throw the remaining gallons of latte in the freezer and scoop it throughout the coming months!

If you had asked me a year ago, I’d have never imagined I would one day own a latte so massive that even Hera would deem it too cruel to force Hercules to drink. But with discipline, patience, and planning, saving is possible.

Photo by Alex Aho.

We Sat Down With the Wrong Father John Misty and Now We Have to Say 10 Hail Marys

Posted on by Zach Hudson

When our publisher told us that he got us an interview with Josh Tilman, also known as “Father John Misty,” our first reaction was “what did we do to deserve such punishment?” We’ve interviewed a lot of conceited, self-righteous artists throughout our career, but really, this guy?

After complaining about the assignment with a friend over drinks, she told us that she knew Father John Misty, and would be happy to go with us. Hoping that she could kind of carry the interview and that we could just zone out the entire time, we gladly obliged.

On the day of the interview, we pulled up to a church, which we thought was weird, but figured it was just one of his bizarre, insufferable acts. Our friend walked us in but then told us that, much to our dismay, we had to go into the room alone.

There was a single chair, and Tilman was nowhere in sight. Then a voice came from this box-type thing and said “have a seat, my son.” Again, weird, but when dealing with this guy you’ve just gotta roll your eyes and go with the flow, right?

We figured we’d ask about his time in Fleet Foxes because that sounded way more interesting than hearing him drone on about the inspiration behind his latest release “Chloe and the 20th Century.” But he completely dodged the question and asked us what’s been troubling us.

We had been feeling pretty guilty about the other day when we spilled beer all over our roommate’s record collection and just hoped he wouldn’t notice, so we told him about that. He told us that we should come clean about what we did and that our roommate, like God, would forgive. Honestly, we felt a lot better. He then told us to say 10 Hail Marys and sent us on our way.

All in all, it was a positive experience. We left the church feeling like a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders and relieved that he cut the interview so short.

It was only when our publisher called us to say that the actual Mr. Tilman was on the other line, and was furious that we’d kept him waiting for two hours, that we realized we had interviewed the wrong Father John Misty. Thankfully, he made it very clear he didn’t want to reschedule. Maybe God is real.

10-Second Movie Quote in Song Doing 90 Percent of the Work

Posted on by Matt McInerney

WILLIMANTIC, Conn. — Local emo band Fastpitch Baseball has reportedly gotten lazy during the recording of their new album and started using movie clips in place of good song-writing or intelligible lyrics, agitated fans confirm.

“When we wrapped the recording of ‘Dead Williams,’ we were happy with most of it, but we felt the last track just needed something. We really wanted a way to hammer home the album’s message,” said founding guitarist Tommy Benson. “That’s when we had this idea… Well, our singer did. God forbid you to tell this story without mentioning that. Instead of doing a lot of work like re-writing or re-recording the lyrics, what if we just drop in a movie quote that sort of sums up the theme of the entire record? We knew it needed to be perfect so we all went home and watched rom-coms from the ‘90s until we found the right clip.”

Mylo Blankenship, a long-time fan of the band, was having a hard time figuring out what the album was about until he got to that quote.

“I loved their last album, ‘Nolan Dyin.’ They pretty much used a movie quote at the beginning of each song to let me know if it would be sad, or funny, or a mix of both. This album was different though, much fewer quotes and the whole thing was pretty inane. It felt like the same song over and over, and the lyrics were nonsense,” said Blankenship. “But that ‘You’ve Got Mail’ sample… Nice! As soon as Meg Ryan says, ‘I wanted it to be you so badly!’ I was like, oh, it’s kind of an If-You-Like-Piña-Coladas thing. I get it! I think.”

Music historian Audrey Hansen has seen this trend come and go over the years.

“I worry it’s starting to come back. You see this clip trick often from bands who can’t quite finish a song. They’ll find someone else’s work that is much more polished or able to deliver a clear message and basically just steal it. And no one seems to care,” said Hansen. “I guess they figure: why do the work yourself when Nora Ephron has been honing her craft for years? But, I mean, hey, it does work. Fans sometimes remember the quote more than the song, but the band gets all the credit.”

At press time, Benson was spotted trying to mimic his girlfriend’s voice as he left a message on his own voicemail.

UK Street Punk Band Suddenly Has to Scrap Half Their Set List

Posted on by James Knapp

LONDON — Notorious London street punk band The Ruckus Mutts were forced to abandon over fifty percent of their setlist following the announcement of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s resignation earlier today, sources who never thought this day would come confirmed.

“What’s this already?! We’ve been waiting to play our new songs about how he’s a fucking twat for years — and now that the wanker just up and quits before we could book a show and it’s all for shite,” explained vocalist Billy ‘Dogboy’ Longstreet while drinking his fourth pint of the afternoon. “Yeah, I hate that Johnson fucker as much as any member of the working class can hate an elitist stuffed suit, but c’mon, he was most of our material. Our songs about Theresa May were ignored, and our Tony Blair songs just don’t have the same wallop as they used to and until they elect a new exploiter of the people we’re kinda screwed for content.”

An anonymous source close to the band expressed concern over the group’s future and creative direction following Johnson’s resignation.

“The Ruckus Mutts are great at what they do. Songs like ‘Suck Yours, Johnson’ and ‘Kill Your Mum Ya PM Bum’ are easily some of the best political punk songs to come out of the UK in the past few years. But outside of beleaguering Boris Johnson they don’t have a ton of other sources of inspiration,” explained the band’s former amphetamine dealer, who requested not to be named. “I remember I showed up to their practice with a ‘delivery’ once and they tried to show me this new song they were working on about unilateral probation reform. Still not sure how they managed to work the word ‘bollocks’ into the judicial code so many times, but needless to say, it was not exactly their best work. Not by a long shot”

Now-former Prime Minister Boris Johnson gave his thoughts on the new difficulties faced by his musical detractors.

“Welly welly welly welly well — look who’s not bothering to be quite such a load of raucous cads and sods all the sudden, are ya?” quipped a smug Johnson, whose tenure as Prime Minister recently ended after a thoroughly unsurprising sexual abuse scandal. “Sure, ya loike to mock me teef and me hair and how I don’t do none to good a jobby wobby and all. But what’cha cheeky pricks gonna do without ol’ Boris no more? Blimey! You pukes.”

At press time, The Ruckus Mutts were looking to explore new material, asking who Conservative Party Chair Ben Elliot is.