God Forbids Amish Metalhead to Be Anything But Drummer

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LANCASTER, Pa — Amish musician Zeke Johnson bypassed his religion’s strict restrictions on modern technology by playing drums in his metal band Barn Burners, confirmed bearded sources with antiquated beliefs.

“It’s great that I can still abide by the rules of the Ordnung while simultaneously expressing my love for early metal pioneers like Iron Maiden and Praying Mantis,” Johnson explained while suspenders obscured his TANK shirt. “I tried learning some Priest songs on an acoustic guitar, but it just wasn’t the same. Once I realized I could make my own drum kit using techniques passed down from my forefathers I was able to blast out ‘Freewheel Burning’ and it felt so good. I found some teenagers who aren’t restricted by religious doctrine from a nearby town to fill out the rest of the band and we’ve been rocking ever since.”

Allen Pool, the non-Amish guitar player who plays alongside Johnson, explained the benefits of having an Amish heavy metal drummer.

“Yeah, having a guy from a strange religious sect in the band may come off as a little gimmicky, but Zeke is one of the best drummers I’ve worked with. He has an otherworldly penchant for keeping time, and he never drinks any of my beer,” said Pool. “One downside is that when we tour, he can’t drive the van unless we hook up a couple of horses to the front bumper and have them tow it. On our first tour, we traveled with two horses in the trailer, but it was so impractical, and feeding those things took up most of our budget. He made it up to us when our jam space collapsed. He and his family raised a brand new one in like two days!”

Brother Jedediah Shoemaker objects to the heavy metal genre as a whole and the loophole Johnson has found to get around the tenets of the Amish faith.

“Well I obviously think music, in general, is the work of Satan,” Shoemaker said while filling his horse’s feedbag. “But when it comes to Zeke my hands are tied. He technically isn’t breaking any of the rules. I’ve been trying to find something in scripture damning loud noises but to no avail. But this isn’t even the worst of it! My daughter is the trumpet player in a ska band and I find it difficult to believe God is okay with that.”

At press time, Days N’ Daze were booked to play multiple dates in Amish country with no pushback.

Real Life “Stranger Things?” I Feel Like I Have Powers and My Nose Keeps Bleeding

Posted on by Dan Rice

You have seen “Stranger Things,” right? Oh my god that show is so brilliant, I mean just from a marketing standpoint, cashing in on all that peak ‘80s nostalgia through homage without having to pay a cent in royalties toward source material, plus that D&D angle drawing in those big nerd culture eyeballs man those Duffer brothers are fucking geniuses my dude and their algo is tight tight tight but I’m getting sidetracked what was I talking about? Oh! I remember yeah!

Okay so like you know how there’s that girl on the show who’s like E.T character but with X-man powers like moving things with her mind and shit right? I do that! I mean like, I think I can do that you know I just feel it, like I really feel it! I know I know you want proof right, fake news and all that well okay check this out see this blood trickling out of my left nostril? That’s from mind powers dude.

Okay fine, I’ll move that bottle of vodka over there with my mind. Let me just focus… holy shit it moved! Did you see that shit it totally fucking moved! Wait no, now everything’s moving. Okay my bad, my eye is just twitching a lot I guess.

Okay well, hang on let me try to read your mind. Pick a number between 1 and 10. Is it seven? Three? Twelve? Well, do you think I did too much cocaine? See I can totally read your mind!

Okay fine, I will admit that I have done a fair amount of cocaine, which could account for my chronic nosebleed and the manic feeling that I have superpowers right now. But you need to admit that it is equally possible that all of that cocaine elevated my consciousness and unlocked psychokinetic powers that have always been dormant inside me because I’m special!

I’m just saying, be ready for some shit to go down because the government probably has a team of people with abilities comparable to mine who can detect me. I bet there’s a whole black-ops death squad on their way here right now to abduct me and train me in the art of killing people with my mind just by looking at a photo or some shit and I need to know my scrappy friends will hold their own while I mind fight all the agents and helicopters and stuff.

Just to be safe, I think you should all buy me more cocaine. I feel my powers weakening and time is of the essence.

Your Mother and I Are Exploring Solo Projects

Posted on by Dan Rice

You know I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it, to me this family is like a rock and roll band. Your mom is lead guitar, making the big decisions and calling the shots. I’m bass, keeping everyone in tempo, keepin em in the groove. Davey you’re on drums cause you’re always slamming the goddam door too loud and Tiff, with your diva presence and piercingly shrill vocals, you’re our frontman.

As a family band we’ve had some rockin good times, hell we could probably give that Partridge family a run for their money! Unfortunately, there comes a point in every band’s run where they must realize their best stuff is behind them and go their separate ways.

Kids, your mother, and I are going to be exploring solo projects.

Now calm down, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s not because Dave slams the door too loud or anything like that. Sometimes, these things just happen.

Hey, we had us some hits! We absolutely rocked the shit out of that trip to Yosemite last summer, and remember when the critics said we had no business hosting thanksgiving? We knocked that shit out of the park man! It’s just that your mom and I keep wondering — and I know on some level you kids must be wondering this too — “What comes next?” Sure we really wanna keep spinning our wheels until the magic runs out like those Partridge family rubes, but who wants that?

This move will allow every member of this family to explore opportunities that are more fulfilling, both creatively and financially.

I’m thinking of branching out into Country and your mom is getting into EDM, by which I mean I’m moving to a trailer park and she got caught fucking a DJ respectively. What was his name again honey? Doctor Teeth? Blade? Whatever doesn’t matter, not the point.

It’s no secret we’ve had a lot of creative differences lately. Tiff, remember when you drew that horse in crayon right on the goddam wall and it was a huge fight? Let’s not let it end like that, let’s just gracefully step out of each other’s lives.

We’ve taken this thing as far as it can go, and I do not doubt that the two of you will find great success in whatever families you wind up in next. Dave, with your constant door slamming I think you would thrive in a family with a stronger “wall of sound” aesthetic, and Tiff, if I can quote your most recent meltdown when we tried to have a nice time going out for ice cream last week, “all you people do is hold me back.”

There will be no reunion.

New Study Finds Leaving Tab Open for Two Weeks Is Same as Reading Article

Posted on by Harry Valentine

ATHENS, Ga. – Researchers at the University of Georgia offered irrefutable proof that leaving an unread article open on an internet browser for fourteen days provides identical knowledge to reading the article itself.

“To be honest, we’re a bit stumped,” said lead researcher Dr. Miriam Gomez. “Opening a tab, then regularly swiping past it for several weeks to read something easier causes deep stress on the psyche. In all of our test subjects, continuing that stress cycle for two weeks led to a complete understanding of the contents of the article as having just buckled down and taken the ten minutes to read it in the first place. We initially thought that maybe people read bits and pieces of the article by accident, but that proved to be inconclusive. At the moment, we’re calling it the psychic guilt phenomena.”

“We plan to continue studying the phenomena as soon as possible,” said Gomez. “So far I’ve just printed out a bunch of abstracts from other studies and left them on my bedside table. We’ll see if that does anything.”

In all corners of the internet, the news has been met with joy.

“Oh, what a relief. What a goddamn relief,” groaned Facebook user Pete Duggan upon hearing the news. “I opened up a long read about land acknowledgments back around Thanksgiving, and it’s been clogging up my Safari ever since. I felt terrible about not reading it, so I kept it there even though it made it harder to post my Wordle every day. Now that I know I know all I need to know about land-whatevers, I can finally share the article online and say ‘Wow. Everyone should read this.’”

According to Susan Li of the Brookings Institution, the study’s implications might be far-ranging.

“This could change the world as we know it,” said Li. “Think of what else could be learned without actually being read. Novels, instruction manuals, and even court documents. There is so much we don’t understand about the human brain and this is just another thread in that rich tapestry. I could even imagine a world, as crazy as it sounds, where politicians could pass a bill into law without having read a word of it.”

Another study from Duke University found that 100% of women were able to predict the contents of a direct message on Instagram before opening it based solely on the sender’s profile photo.

Merch Guy Folded and Crammed Into Box Until Next Gig

Posted on by Michael Luis

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Howard Ramirez, the longtime merch guy for the metal band Hellspawn, was folded and crammed into a box by members of the band after last night’s show at the Rickshaw Theatre, shocked onlookers confirmed.

“I know the tour van looks big enough for the band and me, but once you account for their girlfriends, the guy who sprays goat’s blood on them while they play, and just their general tendency to stretch out in the back seat, there isn’t enough room for me,” explained Ramirez through one of his air holes. “It’s okay though, I get to ride in the trailer with all the instruments and we have a blast back there. I do lots of yoga between tours to stay flexible and I get to keep the tips for any shows that fall on a Tuesday. I’ve always wanted to be in a touring band, so I’m just doing this until my solo black metal project takes off anyways.”

Hellspawn fan Chris Mitchell says watching the band stuff their merch guy into a box was unsettling.

“The merch guy folding up a bunch of shirts like he was making his bed and then hopped in afterward with his head between his legs. I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Mitchell. “I thought maybe it was a joke or something, but then the drummer put a padlock and chain on the box and wheeled it backstage. Then I saw their sound guy get wrapped up in all of the cables and crammed into a road case. I ended up leaving my shirt behind. I don’t think I can keep listening to Hellspawn. This shit was too fucking weird, like a sick ritual or something.”

Hellspawn frontman Augustus Demonicus was nonchalant when asked about his band’s unusual treatment of its crew.

“Touring isn’t cheap these days, so if you aren’t an active member of the band then we have to treat you like our gear. Besides, it’s all a part of our plan,” explained Demonicus, with a wink. “We need to make sure we have space for the things that bring us peace. For example, we keep a lot of books on the bus! Just the other day I was reading an old text about a sorcerer who made a deal with a demon to torture his disciples in exchange for great power. Nothing to do with the merch guy in the box, by the way. Just a thing I was reading.”

As of press time, the members of Hellspawn have been arrested for human rights violations and are currently being questioned for what detectives have described as “extreme occult behavior.”

Celebrate the Small Wins: This Anxious Woman Thinks Everyone Hates Her Because She’s Annoying, When Only 5 to 7 People Hate Her for Totally Valid Reasons

Posted on by Freelancer

Cheer up! This full-grown woman thinks nobody likes her because she’s super annoying and says weird shit at parties, but this is not the case. The truth is, with the exception of a handful of people who have completely justifiable reasons for not liking her, nobody really thinks about her at all! Positive or negative.

Sometimes in life, you gotta look for that silver lining. This woman has been worrying herself sick believing that everyone in her immediate social circle harbors animosity towards her. How much happier would she be if she realized that the only people that feel that way are those girls from college she was with when she threw up on the dashboard of that Uber? Other than that, most people she’s met wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a line-up. More or less a win!

Oh, God, she just popped off another cryptic self-deprecating Tweet: “stupid piece of shit annoying girls should get a discount at Target;;;” What the hell does that even mean? This woman acts as if she’s on trial for war crimes when at worst she’s just the most disliked coworker amongst the Foot Locker employees of Canoga Park. And it’s not like they don’t have a reason. I’d be kind of pissed too if someone kept asking me to cover their shifts because their mom is sick and I found out later it was so they could attend casting calls for The Bachelor.

All I’m saying is that if I had been the type to cheat in multiple long-term relationships yet still kept the number of people who wanted to do black magic on me under a baker’s dozen, I’d show a little gratitude. She just needs to take a look on the bright side! And also maybe stop sending messages in the group chat calling herself ugly.

Now that I think about it, her relentless demand for reassurance is pretty irritating. And narcissistic. When’s the last time she talked to me about my life? I have stuff going on too if she ever bothered to ask. Goddamn. Fuck you Madison.

We Sat Down With the Guys Doing Nitrous Balloons in the Parking Lot at the Phish Show Because We Hit Rock Bottom

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Life comes at you fast sometimes. One day you’re a middle manager at your dad’s accounting firm with a nice condo and a serious girlfriend, and the next day you’re fishing out on nitrous balloons in the parking lot at Dicks Sporting Goods Park with three guys who are arguing over whether or not Trey was better before he got sober.

Man, it wasn’t supposed to go this way. We used to make fun of people like us. Now we’re fifteen days into Phish’s Summer tour, worrying about whether or not we’ll have enough cash to make it to the next date. We used to know a guy who could front us an ounce of ketamine to sell on the lot, but we burned that bridge when we sold him out to the undercover cop who busted us at The Gorge. Now we’re stuck selling pins and shitty crystals, and no one’s buying.

And here we find ourselves, ticketless, strung out on the ground, unable to stand up or really talk while Phish is three songs into their second set. We don’t even have any weed to try and balance out the high because we traded it all to the Nitrous Mafia. Speaking of, if you see them, don’t tell them where we are. They caught our friend Fatty trying to steal one of their tanks and they’re out for blood.

Honestly, sometimes we question why we even do this, to begin with. The band fell off these last few years. Ten years ago we’d at least get a twenty-minute Bathtub Gin or Carini here and there, and now it’s like “oh cool, Possum again.” But the thought of missing out on a heater of a show is too much to bear. What if the boys were to bust out a Sand > Tweezer > Y.E.M segue tomorrow night? We’ve got a good feeling about it. Hopefully, these quartz wraps sell better tomorrow. We can’t keep banking on getting miracled.

Listen, if you see our dad, tell him we’re sorry and we want to come back once the tour is over. Also, ask him to reactivate his American Express card. There are eight shows left on this run and we promise we’ll go back to work in the mailroom until the Fall tour starts. We’ll show up every day, and we’ll make extra sure that no resin gets on the mail this time.

Study: Only 20% Of Americans Have Access To Beats To Study/Relax To

Posted on by Max Barth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study from researchers at Harvard University shows that only 20% of Americans currently have access to beats to study/relax to, confirming a long-suspected disparity that is significantly heightened in rural areas, where millions are left with no choice but to not study/relax at all.

“Leaders in the relaxing/studying field have been urging/lobbying local governments for years to do more to expand access to chill and smooth instrumental lo-fi flow state beats in communities that historically have been left behind,” said Dr. Thomas Hayes, head of the Harvard Center for Relaxing/Studying Studies. “Unfortunately, our warnings have been largely ignored/dismissed by elected policymakers more interested in getting re-elected than helping/representing the American people, who need to study/relax more than ever.”

Shane Liston, 28, is one of the many Americans with no choice but to attempt, in vain, to study/relax sans beats.

“I live in a county with the fewest beats-per-capita in the nation. I’m a physical therapist, and I’ve got clients coming in with so much muscle tension that it’s clear they haven’t studied/relaxed in years,” said Liston while listening to a fuzzy radio station. “You can see it on their faces. Heck, I’m in the same boat. When I need some ‘me time,’ I just stare at my desk until my eyes water.”

EU officials are already developing a “Minimum Beats Allowance” audio stipend to be given directly to its citizens, and South Korea is rumored to be developing the world’s first beats solely to study/study to.

“The world’s richest nations need to step up and contribute more juicy trapmix alpha wave focus concentration 10-hour loop beats to developing nations, refugee communities, and conflict zones,” said Dr. Tedros Ghebreyesus, Director-General of the World Health Organization. “Access to such mellow rhythms is a necessary precondition to individual dignity, societal sustainability, and tripping absolute balls without freaking out.”

As of press time, a collection of Earth’s most popular house beats for deep brain power to study/relax to were being broadcast via satellite towards a distant star so that intelligent life, if it exists, can study/relax, too.

Crust Punk Filters Coffee Through Discharge Patch

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Connor Thompson openly rejects the use of normal paper coffee filters and instead uses a dingy, faded Discharge patch off his old pants, confirmed sources that claim they are trying to cut back on coffee.

“One day I was drinking my morning cup of joe and I felt like I corporate scum. I thought to myself ‘this needs that dirty, smelly, rotten garbage taste that I remember from my early days dumpster diving at Sheetz,’” Thompson explained while adjusting his Varukers buttflap. “Now when I filter my morning coffee through my crusty old Discharge patch, it gives me enough energy and mental clarity that I could easily write three or four ‘Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothings’ before noon! Some of my friends say it’s unsanitary, and that when they drink a cup it makes them feel like their throat has scabies, but this is exactly how I like my coffee.”

Thompson’s longtime girlfriend Rachel Stevens is becoming less tolerant of the way her partner brews their morning fuel.

“To be blunt, our coffee at home tastes like how Stza Crack looks, and that isn’t good,” Stevens said. “I even suggested he maybe use something different, like a Ramones patch or something. But he insists it’s just not raw enough for his tastes. I don’t have the heart to tell him I hate it, so after he pours me a cup I usually dump it outside and grab Dunkin on my way to work. I’m not one to support ‘big coffee’ but goddamn, I can’t drink that diarrhea he brews morning after morning.”

Gastroenterologist Dr. Michael Azalea has 25 years of experience as a medical professional and believes Thompson’s bizarre filtering method could have long-term health effects.

“Well, like with anything else, using a smelly old cloth patch to filter coffee has its ups and downs,” Dr. Azalea explained. “On the one hand you’re saving money not buying filters once every two months, and on the other hand, you risk getting dysentery each morning with every sip you take. One would think the actual band on the patch wouldn’t matter, but I can recall one instance where a coffee shop used an Amebix patch to filter their house blend, and regular people, not punks, had a sudden urge to reject basic hygiene practices. It was truly bizarre.”

Thompson continues to find new uses for his patches and recently installed an old Axegrinder backpatch as an air filter for his 1994 Honda Civic.

Photo by Ryan Spahr.

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Scientists Create First Hummus Platter That Comes With Enough Pita Bread

Posted on by Max Barth

PARIS — A team of international scientists at the University of Paris stunned the world when they produced the first hummus platter in human history that actually comes with enough pita bread.

“We were inspired by the ‘Space Race,’ in particular the mobilization of expertise across disciplines to achieve the impossible,” said Dr. Rene Durand, who oversaw the project’s $500 billion budget, funded by contributions from G-7 governments, the private sector and a consortium of restaurant-goers who are frankly tired of the bullshit. “Today, as in 1969, every person on the planet can celebrate our species’ great leap forward with this hummus platter. No longer will patrons wince when the appetizer arrives, nor spar over the few scraps like the desperate apes of old.”

Skeptics, including renowned scientist Albert Einstein, had long considered such an adequate appetizer to be the stuff of science fiction.

“Today, I have been informed I shall receive the high honor of a Nobel Prize for my ‘contributions to theoretical physics,’” read an entry in Einstein’s journal from December 1921. “While I am proud, I fear my failure to address the greatest problem of our time will be my epitaph. Just this afternoon I’ve been served another so-called hummus platter with: a few sticks of smallish carrot, a handful of pale, watery celery, and merely three (!) pitiful triangular portions of what my American friends call ‘pita’ bread. An insult! I had scarcely begun to enjoy the dish before the miserly supply of dipping apparatus was extinguished. I wept and pondered how society can continue to march forward without addressing proper pita inventory.”

The Restaurant Association of America, while nominally supportive of the culinary breakthrough, issued a statement warning of its downstream effects.

“Our four million members, largely small business owners alongside a handful of international conglomerates, are pleased to see the news from Paris,” said RAA President Dawn Sweeney. “However, while serving enough pita bread alongside hummus dip would certainly make customers happier, we are concerned that the creation of more pita bread – a monstrously complex and prohibitively expensive food to source, which only the most expert chefs can conceivably envision, let alone create — could result in decreased profit margins. We are committed to serving our customers, but will likely be upping the portion of very cold slices of red pepper which nobody wants instead.”

As of press time, Dr. Durand’s team had begun preliminary investigations into whether slamming burritos together at near-light speed would properly distribute the guacamole throughout each.