Press "Enter" to skip to content

Local Gun Store Makes Record Profits With “Back to School” Sale

GARLAND, Texas — Garland Guns and Ammo reported they are on track for their most profitable month ever thanks to a highly popular “Back to School” sale, confirmed heavily armed sources covered in body armor.

“We love our guns here in Texas and it brings a tear to my eye to see people from our community, and hundreds of patriots from all across these United States driving up to support our little mom and pop operation,” said owner Dermot Walker. “We’re offering killer deals, like buy one assault rifle and get a handgun free. All of our tactical belts and vests are marked down 25%, but if you have a high school ID card we are taking 50% off and we will throw in a bucket of assorted bullets. Here is the best part, with each purchase you get six free classes on how to handle your new weapons from my buddy Jacob who was kicked out of the Marines last year.”

Local teenager Jimmy Borishan lined up early to make sure he didn’t miss out on any deals.

“I basically slept here overnight, exposed to the elements, because I could go off the grid if needed,” said Borishan while loading the three rifles, two handguns, smoke bombs, and a live hand grenade he just purchased into a duffle bag. “I’ve had it kind of rough in high school. Girls don’t talk to me, and the guys make fun of me, but for the first time in a long while, I’m actually looking forward to the first day of school. I can’t wait for everyone to see how much I’ve changed over summer break. I can’t wait to see the look on their fucking faces.”

Local law enforcement officers supported the sale, despite the pushback from some gun reform activists.

“I assure you that everyone working at Garland Guns and Ammo are doing enough in the eyes of Texas law to keep everyone safe. I’ve even personally done a few onsite background checks,” said Sherriff Joe Perreria. “I stopped a few of the customers that were sweatier than normal and straight up asked them ‘hey, are you a crazy person?’ and most of them said no. Then I asked if they loved God and their country and they mumbled some Bible verses and that was good enough for me.”

Other businesses in the area are also seeing an increase in sales thanks to the sudden influx of guns, including Sullivan’s Casket Depot which announced a 50% off sale if your loved one was killed in a mass shooting.