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I Know This Might Make Me Lose Followers, but Here’s a Completely Safe Take on Things That 100% Of You Will Agree With

You know what? I’m sick and tired of you chicken-shit slacktivists always pandering and never putting your asses on the line. You hide behind your keyboards but you never put your money where your mouth is. I know this might make me lose followers but I simply don’t care anymore: I have to get these easily digestible, 100% safe, preaching-to-the-choir talking points off my chest. I guess that’s just the price you pay for being the only person with the fucking balls to say what’s on your mind.

For one thing, murdering puppies is wrong. You hear me, assholes! Don’t fucking do it. It costs literally zero dollars to not wrap your hands around baby Fido’s neck and squeeze until the whimpering stops. Why am I the only person talking about this?

And don’t get me started on the “pineapple on pizza” bullshit. Strap in you wannabe edgelords, because I’m about to spill some fucking tea and mop it up with your diapers. Pineapple is a perfectly suitable topping for a pizza but it all depends on how it’s prepared. If I saw it at a party it’s a coin-toss on whether or not I’d enjoy it. Is this pineapple fresh or canned? Juicy or blackened? Is there ham? I’m going to stick my neck out for all of you fucking pussies and boldly proclaim it’s a matter of preference.

Don’t worry, cryptobros, I haven’t forgotten about you. You want to know what I really think about your precious fucking cryptocurrencies? I think that if they are part of a larger, more diverse portfolio of stocks and bonds, cryptocurrency could be a viable part of your investment strategy with room to grow steadily and incrementally. But as with any volatile, high-risk venture, it’s best not to sink all your eggs into one basket. If you have some extra cash, it couldn’t hurt to dabble.

Don’t fucking @ me.