Basement Punk Show Constantly Being Interrupted by Annoying Carbon Monoxide Detectors

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LIVERPOOL, N.Y. — Individuals attending a punk show located at 532 Rey St. complained of an annoying carbon monoxide detector sounding its alarms inside of the basement venue, irritated and unconcerned sources confirmed.

“When you go to a punk show you expect a lot of noise, but that alarm was pissing everyone off,” attendee Maggie Wentz said in a slightly dazed manner. “I was trying to enjoy Smutshock’s set and all I could hear were those loud-ass beeping sounds in the background. On top of that, the singer’s crucial between-song banter was all incoherent and slurred, then the drummer kept passing out. Needless to say, ‘the iconic’ basement show of the entire summer was a major letdown.”

Jason Ruiz, the owner of the decrepit home and show organizer, had a cavalier approach to the pesky alarms interrupting his fun.

“Yeah, those detectors are a pain in my ass,” a visibly frustrated Ruiz said. “Time and time again whenever I have shows in my basement, I get people coming up to me and telling me I need to figure out why they’re going off and then puking all over the floor. I usually just turn a fan on and take out the batteries then everyone is happy again. I mean, what the hell is ‘carbon monoxide’ anyway? I’d rather be dead than have that noise keep me from seeing Smutshock right here in my own basement!”

DIY scene veteran James “Spew” Price talks about some of the common dangers of basement shows past and present.

“In my 35-plus years in the scene, I’ve certainly come across situations some would consider ‘hazardous’ to a person’s health,” Price said while drinking straight from a Jim Beam bottle. “Garage shows with burn barrels directly in the middle so half the pit was set ablaze. Basement gigs where the radon was so prevalent, half the crowd was sterilized when they left for some reason. Stuff like that. So a little carbon monoxide is child’s play. After all, this is punk. Punk is supposed to be dangerous and ruin your life.”

At press time, several witnesses saw an ambulance driving towards the Ruiz home, where Smutshock was still performing.

Let’s Just Say Sometimes I Need to Pee When There’s No Public Restroom Available, and I’m Smarter Than the Police

Posted on by Dan Rice

Salutations and tip of my cap, officers of the Sunnybay Police Department. You don’t know me, not yet, but you are familiar with my work.

I understand you’ve had quite a morning. By now you are no doubt aware of the dirty mess some neer do well, under cover of night, left for you to clean on the west-facing wall of the public library. I’ll save your forensics team some leg work and confirm what I’m quite certain you already suspect — it was piss.

How do I know the details of the library pissing even though you have yet to share them with the media? I think you will find that I’m one step ahead of you on a great many things.

I also know about pissing behind Starbucks last fall, the Spring Street piss wave, and most recently the incident at Summerfest that left attendees saying “Hey, what’s that smell? Is it piss?” They are all courtesy of your humble author, John Q. Me.

What can I say? I’ll just be going about my day, minding my own business when all of the sudden I’ll just get the urge. And once that urge takes hold, I know by now it’s just not going to go away. Not until I take a pisssss.

Perhaps you find my crimes to be sick, or mad. You wanna know what I think is mad? The total lack of public restroom availability in downtown Sunnybay. What do I think is sick? A town that rents 4 portajohns for a Summerfest attended by nearly 3000 people in the course of one weekend. A society that allows Starbucks to remodel their bathroom during pumpkin latte season. I was driven to these crimes as the neglected beggar is driven to theft, as the waters of the flood are driven to low ground.

It was your world that made me what I am. But now that I’ve had a taste of it, the sheer thrill of taking a human piss somewhere you’re not supposed to be pissing, I want more. So much more.

Perhaps you’re wondering why I would take the risk of publishing this letter. Perhaps it’s hubris. Perhaps like many madmen before me, I wish to be caught. Or maybe I’ve just come to enjoy our little game of cat and mouse. It doesn’t matter. Soon this town will be ripe with the stains of my glorious becoming.

Your public buildings are not safe. Your sidewalks are not safe. You are not safe in your homes. Well, okay, you are safe in your homes, but the sides of your homes themselves? I’m pissin ‘on em.

I’d love to stay and chat, but I just finished my coffee. My third cup. It seems the cafe’s sole restroom is occupied. Maybe I’ll take a little walk to the mayor’s office. Tah tah.

Werk, Queen: Three Inspiring Roughnecks Who Are Crushing It on RuPaul’s Fracking Ranch in Wyoming

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

“RuPaul’s Drag Race” is nothing short of an international sensation. The Emmy Award-winning reality competition franchise has launched the careers of countless drag queens, and it continues to be replicated in countries around the world. RuPaul has undeniably built an entertainment empire.

Tragically, the hardworking roughnecks of RuPaul’s other empire — the fracking one — hardly get the same fanfare as the televised drag performers. For years, they’ve toiled behind the scenes making untold millions for their boss, without even an ounce of credit.

Well, today we sat down with the top 3 most productive frackers on Ru’s ranch to learn more about their hidden lives and talents.

Frackers, start your engines, and may the best roughneck win!

Louis Stephens

Louis, 44, was born in Cheyenne and has worked in oil and gas since 1997. His favorite part of working on the ranch is manning the giant drill, which Ru said everyone has to call ‘Ornacia’ for some reason. Louis says he does not know why, but doesn’t ask. “Mr. Charles hired me to drill for fossil fuels, not to ask questions,” he added. Thanks for spilling the tea with us, Louis!

Cara Lopez

Cara, 32, started on the ranch as an HR specialist, but made the switch to fracking after Ru said she had real potential. “I didn’t believe in myself until Ru called me a ‘true Shale Queen,’” she said. “Mama Ru saw something in me I didn’t see in myself — my innate ability to extract natural gas from deep below the earth’s surface for profit. I’m so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone.”

We love to see the character growth, henny!

Jinkx Monsoon

I bet you didn’t expect the reigning winner of “All Stars 7” to be working on RuPaul’s fracking ranch! Well, as it turns out, the fine print in this season’s “Drag Race” contract clearly stated that the winner would be required to spend an entire year there “on tour.” Jinkx was not contractually allowed to discuss their experience on the ranch with us, but did give us a signed hard hat with the word “help” written on the inside.

We stan a generous queen of queens! Thanks Jinkx!

Forgotten Amp Now Cat’s Favorite Scratching Post

Posted on by James Klinger

WAUSAU, Wisc. — Local cat Penelope D. Paws staked her claim on an old guitar amp which makes for the perfect scratching post to keep her claws healthy and sharp, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I’ve stapled carpet to the wall, I’ve bought those cardboard scratchers and dumped cat nip inside, but she really loves tearing apart that amp,” said cat owner, Seamus Callahan. “Every time I hear her scratch it I’m reminded of my shattered hopes and dreams. I think she’s doing it on purpose to make me feel bad about quitting my band. Granted, I never plug the amp in anymore, and I usually just use it as a place to store plates while I play video games, but I might want to sell the thing someday. Now I’ll have to get the thing reupholstered and that can’t be cheap.”

Penelope believes that any surface in the house is fair game for her to scratch.

“This vintage amplifier is simply a must for my precious claws,” said Penelope right before knocking a glass of water off a desk. “It’s not like poor Seamus was using it anyway. Besides, after scattering his picks across the house and trashing his tweed guitar case, I needed more to satisfy my feline urges. This is squatter’s rights 101, if something is forgotten and in the house it becomes mine. I’ve paid my dues, having to listen to his pitiful attempts at playing guitar for years, I’ll show him what shredding really is.”

Veterinarian and renowned cat expert, Kaitlynn Klinger chimed in with her professional assessment.

“It’s typical for house cats such to want to scratch things around the house, and cats tend to instinctively know what will bother their owner the most when they scratch at it,” said Dr. Klinger. “This behavior is shown to mark their territory. The face of the amplifier is the perfect material for the cat’s claws and it is widely known in the cat community as a promoter of good paw health. Some people think moving an amp out to their garage might help, but that usually just leads to raccoons or possums using the amp as an enclosure to have babies.”

Penelope also announced plans to walk across her owner’s laptop which she hopes will lead to the “accidental” deletion of the solo synth project he’s been working on for months.

We Asked Our Best Friend What They Really Think About Our Band and Turns Out They Love It!

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I finally got a chance to sit down and talk with my best friend to find out what they think of my band. You guys aren’t gonna believe this but it turns out they love us!

Sure, they haven’t made it out to see my band, HotRod Diaper, in a long time but they promised they’ll be at the Knights of Columbus on Saturday fucking everyone up. Well, as long as there isn’t another escape at the prison by their house, late-night blood drive for earthquake victims, or a biblical case of the shits. There’s always a good reason they can’t make it to a show on Saturday night at the bar a mile from their apartment.

I’ve always been worried that they didn’t like the band because they never wears the shirts I gave them. Also, they make this funny face when I play our songs sometimes but I’m sure it’s because our mixes are so rough. I wish they’d just be truthful and tell me we deserve more money so we can have higher production value, but I understand that sometimes friends keep things to themselves to protect each other’s feelings.

Finally knowing for sure my best friend loves my band, I gave them the VIP treatment and personally explained how to find our Bandcamp, sign up for our newsletter, and accept our Top Fan award on Facebook. I really wanted to play them the new demos, but I guess they’ll have to hear them at the next show since I put them on the list. I love my honest friend! Aka our number one fan.

Punk House Residents Stand on Widow’s Walk Awaiting Return of Long Lost Roommate With That Other 30 Pack They All Chipped in For

Posted on by James Knapp

SWAMPSCOTT, Mass. — Residents of local punk house The Swamp were recently spotted tearfully eyeing the horizon in anticipation of their long lost roommate returning from voyage with the other case of Genesee Ice that they all threw him a few bucks for, gradually sobering sources confirmed.

“I can’t even remember how long it’s been since we saw our dear roommate Salty Fitz off on his long journey to Stop & Shop. Like, it’s been at least forty-five minutes but probably closer to twenty years by now,” regaled resident Tonya Shulfer while clutching several hand-picked black lillies. “I come out here often to await his return. Some of the others have given up hope and say that he probably crashed at his girlfriend’s apartment and isn’t coming back. But I still believe I’ll see him again before this buzz wears off. I have to believe it.”

Salty Fitz, who clarified his real name is Daniel Fitzgerald, detailed some of the hardships he has experienced so far on his journey for alcohol.

“Man, it is rough out here. I was tripping on psilocybin pretty hard when I left and immediately this huge sea-dog tried to swallow me whole!” explained Fitzgerald of an apparent run-in with his neighbor’s neutered cocker spaniel. “After that I was so far off course that finding my way back to the house has been almost impossible. But I’ll keep trying as long as it takes to return because honestly I forgot why my roommates sent me out here in the first place.”

Old-timey sea captain, Alabaster Edwards, shared his thoughts on the tradition of awaiting the return of those lost on long expeditions.

“Aye, many weary widows have wasted their lives longing for the sight of their dearly departed from upon the walk. It would feel more tragic if I hadn’t been the one who sent most of those crews to their doom,” said Edwards. “All I can say for these kids here is ‘don’t let a false hope guide you.’ Also, ‘go check the coffee table, because there’s a good chance he forgot the money you gave him to buy beer there anyway.’”

At press time, The Swamp residents had begun preparing a candlelight vigil before realizing they also sent Fitzgerald with the only functioning Bic lighter.

I Shot the Sheriff, but It Was Too Late Because He Already Killed Like 23 People

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I went to the event this weekend. There were street artists, rides, food that was out of this world, and holy shit so much violence. I was trying to get one of those crazy bejeweled corn dogs that I kept hearing about all year when shit got crazy. There were gunshots and lots of screaming. Amidst the chaos, I found a gun lying in the street and while I’ve never actually fired one in my life, I started to feel that whole “good guy with a gun” thing that I always hear weird boomers talking about. Now all I had to do was find a bad guy!

There he was, discharging his weapon into a crowd of innocent civilians. That’s when I aimed, inhaled, and shot the sheriff. Unfortunately, he had already killed like 23 people. Shit.

That said, I did not shoot the deputy. The sheriff had actually already shot him. I guess they had a little kerfuffle earlier in the afternoon. But that wasn’t before he took out like 23 other people, kicked a dog, pushed over an old man, tipped over the corn dog cart (bummer, I was really looking forward to that), and told his entire precinct not to respond to any sort altercation in which public safety might be an issue on a large scale.

Afterward, I got on the ferris wheel to survey all the damage that was done and that’s when I realized I didn’t deliver a kill shot. The sheriff was only slightly wounded and he was beating the shit out of somebody trying to give away balloon animals to underprivileged children for not having a permit. Classic sheriff.

Prince Andrew Wondering if Queen’s Funeral Will Be All-Ages

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LONDON – Prince Andrew, Duke of York, is reportedly pestering the entire staff of Buckingham Palace to ask if his mother’s royal funeral will be an all-ages event, confirmed multiple sources.

“Not that it matters or anything mate, I’m just really curious. And sad, obviously, ‘cause of me mum and all,” stated the giddy Prince while being followed by a security guard tasked with keeping a close eye on him around any children. “I genuinely just want to know every detail surrounding the funeral of our dear mother, especially anything pertaining to the age, sex, and looks of guests who may be attending without adult supervision, who might need a shoulder to cry on.”

Andrew’s older brother, the newly crowned King Charles III, expressed suspicion about his troubled sibling.

“He may have the devil in him, I tell you. He always seems to be up to no good–but not in a criminal way that could topple my Kingdom, of course,” backpedaled Charles carefully with a barrister by his side. “After all the nonsense with that American girl was finally put to rest when Andrew agreed to pay her all that money out of the goodness of his heart, we hoped he had straightened out. But by the way he’s interrogating everyone from the footmen to the valets, I think it’s best we keep tabs on him for a while. Otherwise, we might have to make another tough decision like we did with my first wife. Ignore that part.”

A letter written by The Queen prior to her death clearly outlined the funeral arrangements she wanted.

“I know it’s highly irregular, but I must insist that my funeral be strictly attended by those over the age of 18,” stated the letter, read posthumously by a trusted aide. “I shan’t get into many details, but I think it’s best if youngsters stay as far away from Andrew the service as possible, since I feel it may be too sad an occasion for such young minds. Also, there’s a box in the false wall hidden in my chambers labelled ‘Andrew MISC’ that should be destroyed immediately.”

At press time, Prince Andrew was begging officials to let him take any minors barred from the funeral on a tour of the secluded royal stables.

Guy Who Pregamed for Festival By Having Beer for Breakfast Can’t Figure Out Where Day Went Wrong

Posted on by Steve Esparra

CHICAGO — Festival attendee Darryl Lynch is struggling to piece together the past 24 hours after consuming several beers before eating a meal and blacking out before getting to see any bands, concerned sources confirmed.

“The last thing I remember was cracking open six beers in my bedroom and whispering ‘time to get legendary,’” a confused, glossy-eyed Lynch struggled to mutter. “I don’t remember anything after that. When I started to sober up I realized I wasn’t even wearing my own clothes and I’d gotten a giant back tattoo of a unicorn farting a rainbow. It’s pretty cool, but how much did I pay for that? I mean I was outside in the sun pretty much all day… maybe I had a heat stroke or something. This is so unlike me.”

Lynch’s friends, who attended the festival with him, had a different take.

“Yeah, this is pretty standard for Darryl,” said a fed-up A.J. Riley, Lynch’s friend and ride to and from the fest. “Everyone we booked the Airbnb with saw this coming by 10 a.m. We all went for breakfast and this guy takes out a huge bottle of beer that looks like motor oil and starts chugging. I even asked if he wanted me to bring him back a sandwich or something and he just said ‘Liquid breakfast my dude! Can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning!’ He can get his own ride for tomorrow.”

Riley confirmed that their group abandoned Lynch halfway through the day after dropping him off at the medical tent, where he was seen by the fest’s on-site EMS team.

“Yeah… tale as old as time, unfortunately,” explained David Tejada, the EMT that treated Lynch for obvious drunkenness and dehydration. “He was my third blackout of the day. I asked him what he had to eat or drink all day, and he just called me a pussy then tried to buy a Thrice shirt off me with three crumpled up singles. I don’t even think they’re on the lineup. Anyway, we gave him some intravenous hydration and sent him on his way. I think he’s going to be in for a rough morning.”

Lynch is adamant that Day 2 will not be a repeat of Day 1 and plans to only consume alcohol that is 10% ABV and under.

We Sat Down With Henry Rollins Because This Was His Third and Final Warning Not To Read in the Squat Rack

Posted on by Max Barth

Mr. Rollins, we’ve been over this. Twice. For the last time, it is against gym policy to do anything but lift in the squat rack.

That policy, which applies to you as it does all members here, includes reading fiction, nonfiction, graphic novels, novellas, journals, or even (importantly, in your case) your own work.

I understand that you feel this is “severely limiting” and that “reading is lifting for the mind”, which may be true, but if so you would do well to re-read our policy handbook a few times after stretching.

The squat rack is for squatting only. We do not want to kick you out, Mr. Rollins, so please stop finishing your sets, reaching into your shorts, and pulling out Geo Pierce’s 1846 translation of The “Count of Monte Cristo.” Yes, we got your letters. We agree that Count is a “thrilling adventure of revenge and one man’s dedication to it”, but we would humbly request that you partake of said adventure in your own time, in your own space.

Other members should not have to watch you pause, lick your finger, and turn a page for upwards of an hour while they are waiting to finish their workouts.

Yes, your commitment to human rights on the international stage is admirable. We played the spoken word piece over the gym speaker system last Earth Day, as requested, out of respect for you as a valued member of our weightlifting community. We were all very moved by the piece, though I think perhaps the success of that endeavor led you to believe we would not enforce our policies after your first and second warning for this behavior. We will.

If you’ll read the file in front of you, you’ll see that the first warning was sent to you via email roughly six months ago. It lays out the infraction, namely that you were journaling in front of the water fountain and due to your admirable bulk no one could access water. That is a health issue. Warning two was the first instance of lingering at the squat rack, though in that case, you appeared to be recording a three-hour-long podcast about a recent journey to the front lines of the Ukraine/Russia conflict. That warning was given in person, and while we appreciate your kindness (and the gift of your entire collected writings) to the staff member who spoke to you, please be aware that this is your third and final warning.

And the typewriter in the locker room will have to go as well.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.