The Weekly Scene Report: February 18

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

It’s the end of the week, which means you still have time to kick back and catch up on the most important stories you missed in the scene over the last seven days.

Help! I Started Masturbating to Baroness Album Covers and Now I Can’t Get Off Without Layered Symbolic Imagery

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10 Bands That Are Now Classic Rock, Proving You Are Old as Hell

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Philly Dad Passes Down His Father’s Throwing Batteries for Son to Use at Super Bowl

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Pop-Punk Frontman Sneaks Girlfriend into R-Rated Movie For Valentine’s Day

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George Santos Empathizes With Shooting Victims As Someone Who Died in Columbine

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DJ Under Impression No One Can Tell He’s Playing Rollercoaster Tycoon up There

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So You’re the Only Dog at a House Party: 5 Ways To Escape Socially Awkward Losers

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Future Punk? My Daughter Just Covered a Wall With Stickers Then Threw Up

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Opinion: King Diamond Would Be Much Prettier if He’d Just Paint His Face Into a Smile

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Bassist Misses Entire Set to Avoid Disturbing Cat That Settled in on Lap

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Mark Wahlberg Promotes New Restaurant by Kicking The Shit Out of Some Guy In Parking Lot

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Punk Running Out of Social Distortion Records to Play While Hanging Out With Mechanic Neighbor

Posted on by Dave McNamara

QUINCY, Mass. — Local punk Jimmy Herrera is worried about his lack of Social Distortion records to play in an effort to impress his mechanic neighbor Ron Davis while they are hanging out, sources confirmed.

“I invited him as a gesture after he helped me fix a flat on the van,” stated Hererra. “Everything was going great at first. We drank a couple of beers and listened to ‘Live at the Roxy.’ He seemed to really be digging it, which was great because I need to get someone to fix our van’s alternator on the cheap. But after the third spin, it started to get a little awkward. I had to think of something else I could play but could only come up with that 1980s ZZ Top record I use as a coke tray at parties. ”

Davis, a longtime auto mechanic, runs a three-bay garage and has been dealing with strangers assuming he likes a very specific type of music for much of his professional life.

“Yeah, I like Social D as much as the next guy, but that’s not all I listen to,” said Davis, while unscrewing an oil filter from a 2005 VW Jetta. “I’m actually really into jazz and early blues. I’ve read a ton about the Great Migration and its impact on American popular music. But whenever someone learns that I’m a mechanic they throw on a Ted Nugent record and start talking about how much of a pain it is to replace their wiper blades. It’s a little insulting, to be honest.”

Dr. Joan Halifax, head of the Cultural Anthropology department at Stanford University, has written extensively about the difficulty American social classes have in interacting with one another.

“When we think of class in America, we often picture income or education,” said Halifax. “But in actuality, it really comes down to values and who we share them with. For instance, if one type of person really values hard work and traditional ideas of masculinity, it can be difficult for them to connect with someone who likes to bang poppers behind dumpsters at VFW shows and has literally stolen all of the silverware they own from Waffle Houses. When one party is part of a national labor union and the other has been in a band called Whiskey Dick for the last fifteen years, the chasm can be nearly impossible to overcome.”

Hererra has since gone on to purchase three new Molly Hatchet records from the local Goodwill in hopes of getting his band’s tour van a valid inspection sticker from Davis to replace their counterfeit one.

Opinion: Starving Kids in China Should Be More Grateful for All That Broccoli I Finished

Posted on by Mike Moran

World hunger is something my mother made sure I was educated on from a young age. With one simple instruction, she would sum up the problem, solution, and geographical focus of this urgent matter. “Finish your broccoli,” she would say. There are hungry kids in China.” Well China, I’ve done my part. Now, how about a little acknowledgment?

Look, I’m not saying I need one of them dragon parades or whatever, because in a strange way, saving human lives is almost a reward in and of itself. Almost. But the fact is, to this day I’ve never received a single thank you letter, iPhone, or pair of Nikes. And yet we can’t seem to applaud enough for some guy who stood in front of a tank. Unless he was munching away on a broccoli stalk at the time, I don’t want to hear it.

Even now, I force my children to always finish the cans of broccoli in our cabinet, no matter how far past the expiration date they are. And trust me, with something as disgusting as broccoli, it’s easy to let it go bad. Do you know how hard it is to eat that crap, youths of China? Apparently not, assuming my Mom was correct in her concerns about you folks.

I’m not asking for much, China. I would just like a single “thank you” from all of your children, collectively at once. I’m confident you can pull it off. I watched the opening of the Beijing Olypics.

Local Woman Folds Laundry During Live Podcast Taping

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local podcast enthusiast Megan Castillo was seen casually folding a hamper full of freshly dried laundry during a live taping of her favorite true-crime show “My Own Worst Nightmare” at the Chicago Theater late Tuesday night, attendees who wish they had thought of that report.

“It is all about recreating the experience of listening to the show at home,” said Castillo while expertly folding a fitted sheet from the balcony area. “Since I thought it would be rude to run my vacuum in the theater I figured I’d bang out some of the more quiet chores on my list. I even purchased the seats on either side of me so I can have a to-do pile and a done pile just like at home. I only wish the show wasn’t ages eighteen and up or I would have brought my toddler along to interrupt the show every ten minutes because I can’t handle this nonstop pace.”

Leo Nash, one of the hosts of “My Own Worst Nightmare,” also took notice of what Castillo was doing.

“I am not going to lie, I’ve dealt with hecklers before but seeing a person just stand up and start doing their laundry really threw me off my game,” host Nash said between the recordings of his five different podcasts. “We try to do these live events to give our audience something different than what they get on their phones, but that doesn’t seem to be what the people want. I have to get used to the fact that some people in the audience will zone out and do other tasks while listening to us. We’ve also thought about lining the front of the stage with treadmills and stationary bikes for the fitness freaks who listen to us.”

Dr. Sonja Holloway PhD, professor of New Media Studies at DePaul University explains this is a very common occurrence.

“When hosts do live shows they are going to have to be prepared to see people in their audience chop vegetables, do dishes, or even put on eye masks and go to sleep,” Dr. Holloway said while “Pod Save America” played softly in the background. “This isn’t a piece of music with which you are emotionally connected or a movie whose plot you have to which you have to pay attention. This is an altogether new medium that is meant to be consumed casually and half-heartedly while you do meaningless tasks.”

As of press time, Castillo had reached out to the hosts asking if next time they can talk at 1.5x speed.

11 Reasons To Start a Band Instead of Going to Therapy

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

There are millions of happy, self-actualized people out there using BetterHelp, TalkSpace, or immersion therapy in some sparsely-decorated office next to a failing pizza parlor. Don’t do that. If you’re an artist, going to therapy is literal sabotage.  Here are 11 reasons to harness your psycho-emotional chaos and channel it into something healthy like a band.

Happy People Make Boring Art

Happy people may have smiles and boundaries andcoping mechanisms, but they contribute absolutely nothing artistic to our culture! As a creative type, it’s your job to make trauma-inspired art that only a few dozen of the most-depressed people in the world know exists!

Instruments Make You Look Cool

Have you ever seen a motherfucker on some glockenspiel shit? Real fuckin’ cool, but the only thing cooler than holding an instrument in your band’s promo shot is holding an instrument in your band’s promo shot and looking like you are absolutely at your wit’s end and could snap into a psychotic rage or cry yourself to sleep at any moment.

Playing Without Ear Plugs Will Make It Harder To Hear Intensely Personal Criticisms

Shows in Midwest dive bars can give you tinnitus and hearing loss after just a few hours, which is great news if you’re having interpersonal relationship issues! The more times you skip the ear plugs, the harder it will be to be told that you’re an unreliable partner and using music to bury unacknowledged trauma!

The Band Will Help You Finally Get Your Substance Abuse Problems Under Control

Everyone knows there’s no room for drugs and alcohol at the top of Music Mountain. You think Bon Jovi did wine? Think again. And then consider how much your non-musical dad drinks. Playing in a band is the only way you will finally get sober.

Therapists Don’t Come To Shows Even When They Promise They Will This Time

I’ve seen too many hopeful young musicians burned by this. Yes, your therapist is proud of your emotional breakthrough. No, they do not actually want to see you sweep picking over blast beats at a bar by the railroad tracks even if they say they’ll think about it.

Band Practice is Instagrammable

Nothing is better for your Instagram story than a couple good posts from band practice. Besides, we all know why we have social media accounts in the first place: to find a better drummer while blocking out the leering specter of death and eternal nothingness that follows.

Emotions Aren’t Real

Therapy was invented by the Illuminati to make people feel inferior and to take their money, but I won’t fall for it because I’m 32 and haven’t felt anything for years.

Bandmates Are Family

When the band gets to know your real personality, they’ll hate you just as much as your regular family. At least they won’t harass you about getting a real job!

Therapy Is Not Free

Therapists are doing it for the money. They want you to have insurance and some bullshit called a copay. Meanwhile, haphazardly making noise with your problematic friends in a condemned building is totally free.

Groupies

Bands have groupies, and those sexy men and women exist to have meaningless, anonymous sex with fans after shows. I guarantee you that your therapist will have some long, boring speech about boundaries and self-respect if you try to kiss them.

Existence Is Temporary

One day, the sun will burn out and all life on Earth will vanish in an instant! And then, no one will ever care that you were even worse at expressing yourself than you were at managing your emotions!

5 Sleeping Hacks That Only Work If You Take Xanax First

Posted on by Dom Turek

They say you spend one-third of your life sleeping, but if you’re a chronic insomniac like me, you probably spend that third of your life doctor-shopping for sedatives in a sleep-deprived stupor.

Sleep economy is a billion-dollar industry directed towards helping you maintain sleep hygiene, including everything from bamboo memory foam pillows to white noise machines. The list of products can be daunting, so we’ve taken on the responsibility of narrowing it down to five fail-proof sleep aids that will have you out like a light in no time, just as long as you remember to take some Xanax first.

Weighted blankets
Pressure therapy mimics the feeling of being held, which increases melatonin and leads to deeper sleep. The more weight the better, and what feels heavier than knowing your tolerance for alprazolam is rapidly outgrowing your prescribed milligram?

Sleepytime teas
Sleep teas use a calming blend of herbs like chamomile and valerian to relax the nervous system. Of course, it wouldn’t matter if my tea was blended with red bull and windshield fluid because as soon as I dissolve a few blue footballs in there, I’m knocking out before The Office theme song finishes.

Diffusers
For centuries, aroma therapies have helped people by stimulating olfactory nerves with calming scents that signal the brain to relax. Unfortunately, our olfactory nerves were coated in Xanax dust and the lavender essential oil didn’t stand a chance of penetrating our inflamed nasal cavity.

Eye masks
The silk sleep mask from Brookstone did a great job blocking out artificial light but did little to block out the nightly playback loop of our most haunting memories and deepest inadequacies, so we paired it with a Xanax to optimize the results.

Temperature regulating sheets
If you run hot at night, you should splurge on sheets that use temperature-regulating fibers. At a whopping $174, I sprung for the ultimate cooling set to see if it was worth the hype, but I wouldn’t know because I sprinkled too much Xanax on my bowl pack and woke up on the floor five feet away from my bed.

Everything in Thrift Store Exactly the Same as Yesterday’s Visit

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MILTON-FREEWATER, Ore — The entire stock of the local Goodwill remained completely unchanged since yesterday despite the optimism of repeat customers, hopeful sources confirmed.

“Something new’s gotta be here. It’s a Goodwill, they’re getting new stuff constantly. I recognize all these t-shirts from yesterday, but I’m sure the employees are shimmying the new stuff into the mix with no rhyme or reason,” said thrift store enthusiast Patti Cobb-Withers. “I guess if it’s all shit I’ve seen before I could just leave it well enough alone and walk away…but I gotta check the rest of the rack. I hate to miss out on something great just because I assumed it was all exactly the same.”

Store employees bluntly confirmed the suspicions of customers.

“Oh, it’s all the exact same. Didn’t sell anything, and didn’t get any donations…it’s a mirror image of yesterday, without a doubt. I just don’t have the stomach to tell our regulars,” said Goodwill assistant manager Heather Coriander. “It would break their little hearts. So much of their reason for getting up in the morning has to do with the prospect of finding the perfect ironic local business logo t-shirt or cult movie VHS for a buck. I don’t want to kill that lust for the hunt inside them. It’s like talking to a child about the Easter Bunny; what’s wrong with letting them believe?”

When asked for comment, Goodwill CEO Steven Preston reiterated the standard company protocol.

“We here at Goodwill make it clear to employees that they are, in instances like these, supposed to make sure that they get in there and mix stuff around to at least make it look like the stock has been refreshed. It’s all there in the handbook,” said Preston. “Even our most successful locations go weeks without moving product, and it’s down to the managers to muss things up to keep thrifting addicts coming in. Not unlike when you were little and you convinced your parents you’d eaten all your green beans when really, you’d just spread them around the plate. That’s the Goodwill guiding principle at work.”

In a related story, the hardware store directly next door to the Goodwill discovered a huge donation of vintage clothing in their dumpster that they don’t know what to do with.

Mark Wahlberg Promotes New Restaurant by Kicking The Shit Out of Some Guy In Parking Lot

Posted on by Jon Holmes

BOSTON — Known felon and frequent assaulter Mark Wahlberg officially commemorated the opening of the newest Wahlburgers restaurant by kicking the shit out of some guy who was just standing there, horrified but not shocked sources confirmed.

“Nothing gets me ready for eatin’ quite like fightin’. Just hard fists thumping face meat, you know? The fans really love to see it, and sort of expect at least a little brawl from me. Who am I to deny the good people of Boston that?” explained Wahlberg between rapid burpee sets. “It’s the least I can do for all their support over the years and through ‘The Happening.’ Besides, that guy shouldn’t have been looking at me funny. He says he was just trying to read that bus stop ad, but my lawyers assured me I was well within my rights when I dragged him across the asphalt and shattered his pelvis.”

Wahlberg’s victim/unwitting promotional partner Lawrence Heath offered his perspective.

“This is literally the third time in a week something like this has happened. This city fucking sucks. First, Casey Affleck groped me on the T, then Conan O’Brien verbally ripped me a new asshole because I used ‘who’ when I should have said ‘whom.’ It was kind of funny at first, but then it went on way too long,” said Heath. “That said, there is something weirdly comforting knowing that any time I’m walking around Boston I could be punted by Matt Damon at any minute.”

Wahlberg’s former “Transformers” co-star Optimus Prime was also on hand for the grand opening that became a savage beating.

“As a being that regularly transforms into a vehicle, a fistfight in the parking lot really isn’t a great look for my brand. But Mark asked me to come to the opening and I’m a truck of my word,” bellowed the leader of the Autobots. “But this place is terrible, I mean, look at these menu items. ‘The Funky Brunch,’ ‘Buncharted’ and it’s not just the mains either, it’s the desserts too. ‘The Planet of The Crepes’?’ It sounds awful. Honestly, Michael Bay could have written a better menu, and that’s saying a lot.”

At press time, Wahlberg announced he is starting an intense MMA training regimen in preparation for the opening of another restaurant in Orange County, California’s Little Saigon neighborhood.

Bassist Misses Entire Set to Avoid Disturbing Cat That Settled in on Lap

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CACTUS FLAT, Ariz. — Local pop punk bassist and overall feline enthusiast Tyler Hogarten missed his band’s entire set in order to avoid disturbing his cat that settled in on his lap mere minutes before he was about to leave, sources who were in need of a lint roller confirmed.

“What was I supposed to do? Gently shoo him off and have to deal with my leg that fell asleep because I couldn’t adjust my sitting position the entire time?” asked the longtime member of Horny Horny Hippos before throwing away the brand new cat tree he bought because his cat much preferred the box it came in. “There are just way more important things in life than playing a silly little show where you just so happen to open for My Chemical Romance and have what my band called ‘career-catapulting exposure.’ That more important thing is my guy Rocket over here on my lap inadvertently digging his claws into my thigh as he falls into a deep 12-hour nap. Besides, I’m sure there will be other once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that come my way. You just have to be ready for them when they come.”

Members of the band were simply not having any of Hogarten’s excuses.

“As a dog person, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just manhandle your pet and stuff it in a cage when you’re ready to leave the house like I do,” said lead singer Jenny Graves. “I guess that’s just the difference between cat and dog owners. Us dog people are way more responsible. I mean sure, I’ve missed several band practices myself because my Labradoodle ate a bunch of chocolate or got into my weed stash, or that one time she chewed up my entire lyric notebook which also had a few joints tucked into the pages. If only I had memorized all the words I wrote to our songs beforehand.”

Household pet expert Felicity Jasmine believed these sorts of incidents came with the territory.

“Pets have a tendency of making you either late for things or missing events entirely,” said Jasmine. “It could be worse though. You could have no pets whatsoever, in which case you’ll never have an excuse for missing that gender reveal party for that friend you hate or that wedding that your ex invited you to because they think your relationship ended on good terms. That sounds dreadful. My expert advice would be to get a pet, especially one with severe medical issues, so you always have a good excuse to get out of things.”

At press time, Hogarten was reportedly on thin ice after unintentionally missing another show due to his cat puking in his only pair of “performance shoes.”

Rail CEOs Prepare to Bravely Lay Off Workers In Wake of Ecological Disaster

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

ATLANTA — Executives at Norfolk Southern Railway and many other rail owners around the nation are reacting to the environmental crisis following a train derailment in Ohio by taking drastic steps to reduce employee overhead, multiple sources confirmed.

“The events taking place in East Palestine are unequaled by anything in American history,” said Alan Shaw, the embattled CEO of Norfolk Southern. “The cost of this catastrophe in both human and animal life will be enormous. Norfolk Southern must take responsibility and make difficult decisions to guarantee that we never lose this much product again. Moreover, I need to hold myself accountable for the part I played in this tragedy. In order to best respond to this situation and ensure that we are answerable to the people of Ohio, sacrifices must be made. Therefore, I am announcing we are dismissing 500 rail workers effective immediately. We will mail you your checks, if you show up to our property you will be tased.”

Union Pacific CEO Lance Fritz released a memo calling for solidarity among railroad franchises and stated that he would follow Shaw’s example.

“During such dire times as these, our storied industry must reforge the bonds that have kept us strong for 250 years,” Fritz wrote. “As a gesture of unity with our brothers and sisters in the Norfolk Southern boardroom, I am proud to announce that we will be reducing our own workforce by 10 percent this month, with further cuts to our maintenance department by the end of the year. Union Pacific will do whatever it takes to ensure that this tragedy does not go unmarked, even if it means firing every man, woman, and child currently keeping our trains running safely.”

CNBC correspondent Dillan Peterson praised the inspiring tone of the executives’ statements and reassured investors that the future remained bright.

“Listen, if I’m someone who’s got a heavy position in rail stocks, I’m happy with this response. I’m thrilled,” said Peterson. “You don’t usually see this kind of insight from executives. The ability to take ultimate responsibility for this whole mess and respond by selflessly firing hundreds of blue-collar employees trying to provide for their families – that’s exactly the type of leadership that tells you they’re not just going to weather the storm, they’re going to come out the other side stronger than ever. So, yes, I’m bullish on rail.”

The announcements came as a surprise to rail employees in East Palestine who were laid off midway through their shifts and have been stranded in Ohio inhaling toxic fumes for the past week.