Help! I Can Only Afford Therapy This Month if That Podcast Offers a New Discount Code

Posted on by James Knapp

Well, I finally found a therapist I like. They have all the qualities I need in a therapist. For instance, they don’t cringe whenever I start talking about my crypto addiction. That’s pretty much it. Anyway, now I can only pay for another virtual session if this podcast does another promotion for 20% off BetterHelp.

I’m beginning to think there might be something fundamentally wrong with healthcare in this country.

Of course, I wasn’t planning on vastly improving my mental health when I first started listening to “Gilmore Hurls,” the podcast where the hosts review every episode of “Gilmore Girls” while drunk out of their minds on jug wine. I just wanted to hear three dudes scream over each other into a busted iPhone for an hour. But after they offered that discount on virtual therapy if I used the codeword “JugBarf” at checkout, how could I keep ignoring my issues?

Yet now they’re just gonna move on and start hocking electric mattresses or whatever while I’m right on the cusp of a breakthrough about why I’m physically disgusted by masturbation. I have come to rely on those promo codes for my emotional well-being. Help!

I’ve even tried listening to other, non-alcohol or Gilmore Girls related podcasts, but all I’ve ended up with is discounts on meat subscription boxes and a membership with Amnesty International. While these have been helpful in their own ways, they have not helped me uncover the root cause of my chronic hooting every time I hear the song “My Sharona.”

So where do I go from here? Is there another way I can continue to progress on my emotional journey? I don’t know if I can handle going cold turkey on this the same way I did with my bleach addiction. Or does anyone know a therapist who is willing to work on me in exchange for twenty-five pounds of ground pork giblets? That meat subscription really does pile up fast.

Think You Have It Hard? Back in My Day We Had To Know the Difference Between the Hives and the Vines

Posted on by Bobby Korec

These kids today just have no idea how easy they have it. Oh, what’s that? There won’t be anything left of the planet by the time you hit forty, no one can afford to own a home as a result of corporations buying and hoarding them, and school gun violence is so out of control that you feel vulnerable and helpless because those in authority positions won’t do anything to address the problem? Oh please. Back in my day we had to know the difference between the Hives and the Vines. That shit was way more difficult.

You see, things were way different back in the early 2000s. First, we had regular 9/11. Then there was the other 9/11, which is the day these two bands appeared to debut simultaneously and no one seemed to be able to remember which one was which. For all we knew they were the same band that kept switching their identities back and forth to confuse the general public.

I guess we could’ve used our phones to confirm the IDs of each band online. But by “use our phones,” I mean we had to physically connect our landline to “dial-up” the internet and use Yahoo! as our search engine. I have PTSD just thinking about it.

It was also an era in music that was dominated by the “the” bands. The Hives, the Vines, the Strokes, the Eminem. You try keeping up with that sort of naming convention homogeneity in culture. One time, I even downloaded an MP3 titled “Hateto_Say_I_toldYOUso_THE_VINES” from Napster. Turns out, that one was done by the Hives this whole time. And to think, Napster file names had been so reliable up until that point.

In short, there’s just no way you have it harder today. Confirming bands is easier than ever. And don’t get me started on the whole My Bloody Valentine versus Bullet For My Valentine chaos we went through back then.

Ukulele Player Lands Dream Job Scoring Kickstarter Campaign Video

Posted on by Tom Peters

NEW YORK — Local ukuleleist Avery Starnback celebrated with friends and family after landing their dream job of scoring a campaign video on the popular online crowdfunding platform Kickstarter, friends and creatives confirmed.

“I am truly thrilled to have been chosen for this incredible project. I had uploaded some videos playing my uke to YouTube in hopes of getting my name out there, and one of the 16 people that watched it must have been the creative genius behind Stink Stack,” Starnback said of the campaign to raise funds for a community card game about farts and their respective smells. “I’m going to give myself a little more time to feel these feelings and then it’s time to get to work. I don’t want to give too much away, but I’m thinking of incorporating some handclaps and glockenspiel—real experimental stuff. Follow your dreams kids, when I first started playing three months ago I never could have predicted I’d be where I am.”

Aspiring card game designer Dylan Baxter explained why he tapped Starnback for this particular project.

“When I first conceived of Stink Stack, I knew our Kickstarter backing music would have to be done by someone with an equally distinct creative vision,” said Baxter. “I watched all nine videos on Avery’s YouTube channel and I knew we were dealing with a uke-slinger a cut above these other Mrazes. And once I got a taste of that unwavering basic strum pattern in person, I knew it was a lock. Plus [Starnback] only gets paid if we reach our funding goal at the Diarrhea Expansion Pack level, so it’s a win-win.”

Kickstarter CEO Everette Taylor helped shed some light on the company’s video production process.

“Here at Kickstarter headquarters, we maintain a stable of fresh four-string talent, sort of a ‘Wrecking Crew’ of ukulele players,” said Taylor. “We put the campaign videos onscreen in the recording studio and just let these cats cook. Last week one of our players slipped into a uke trance—we knocked out twenty videos in one afternoon. It was like watching Miles Davis in his prime if he were promoting a water bottle that connects to Wi-Fi. Without these geniuses, we might never be able to show the world a folding table that lays as flat as a DVD case.”

At press time, Starnback had exited the project after being “called up to the big leagues” for a laundry detergent commercial.

Help! I Bought the Next Size up in Dumbbells but I Can’t Carry Them to My Apartment

Posted on by Eric Navarro

After years of destroying my body with alcohol and Mcdonald’s, I’ve finally got myself back into a routine of healthy eating and exercise. I even dusted off my old weight set and worked my way all the way back up to lifting fifteens. With ease! But it looks like I got too cocky bros because I went to the store to pick up a set of twenty-pound dumbbells and, unfortunately, I have no fucking clue how I’m gonna get them into my apartment. Help!

This looked a lot easier when I was in the store. I’m not sure if you knew this already, but it’s a lot easier to put a set of weights into a shopping cart than it is to carry them up three flights of stairs. I should have known better when I needed an employee to help me get them to my car in the first place.

I thought I could try lifting the weights until I was strong enough to carry them with ease, but now my arms are even more tired. I did get three reps in, which is more than I expected to be able to do at first so that’s a win. I wonder if the concierge at my building works out.

Update: I figured it out! I kept the weights in my car and worked out in the parking lot every day for months until I was ready to go back to the store and get a set of twenty-fives. Now all I have to do is carry them up to my… ah, fuck.

We Visited the Bon Iver Cabin in Wisconsin and Turns Out He’s One of Those Dudes Who Pees in Jars and Just Like, Keeps Them

Posted on by John Danek

Environment influences art in ways that artists may not be consciously aware of. Nondescript houses in Illinois, fields in upstate New York, and cemeteries near wherever the hell Glenn Danzig grew up all left indelible marks on music.

One of these such iconic locations is a rustic cabin in the woods near Eau Claire, Wisconsin where Justin Vernon created his first record as Bon Iver. Via some blackmail on one of Justin’s childhood friends, the Hard Times obtained exclusive access to the untouched, humble chalet where an indie-folk revolution began.

The first visual to grab our attention were the jars of piss. Dozens of them. The jars are cataloged and organized according to date, color, and recorded food intake. But despite the methodical ordering system, many of the jars were left open; some were spilled years ago. A fetid stench of piss saturates the structure. We can deduce that Justin consumed primarily asparagus during his tenure here.

A modest mid-2000’s computer setup sits positioned in the center of the room. Presumably, this was the recording hub for all of “For Emma, Forever Ago” songs, but currently the two monitors show online poker sessions and XHamster tabs on one screen, while the World of Warcraft main menu sits on the other. More jars of piss can be found under the desk.

The walls are adorned with pencil sketches of a woman, all of which are labeled “Emma” underneath. And let us be clear- these drawings suck. They look like something a creepy child would draw in the beginning of a horror movie about demonic possession or something. Emma’s head is always bizarrely bulbous and misshapen, and the eyes are always crossed to some degree.

Empty cans of Spam and jars of Nutella litter the floor of the cabin, while a collection of acoustic guitars line the walls. Curiously, all the guitars have very amateurish penises drawn on them with Sharpie markers, except for one which is a perfect naturalistic representation of a penis (scrotum included). The beauty of this particular penis is astounding. A sheen of light catches the tip at a perfect angle. The drawing takes us back to a more pure time not long ago… but also… forever ago.

Courteous Singer Says “Guitar” Before Guitar Solo

Posted on by Charles Bill

DETROIT — Lead singer James Scott of punk band Dante’s Inferno takes time out of his busy schedule to shout “guitar” before each guitar solo out of courteousness, multiple informed sources reported.

“It’s just the right thing to do,” said Scott. “I’ve listened to dozens of songs where a guitar solo will come out of nowhere, and every single time it surprises and scares the shit out of me. Our listeners may not be ready for a guitar solo with no preparation. We need to ease them into the tasty licks and face-shredding riffs, otherwise they might go into shock. My uncle died of a heart attack when he didn’t expect the solo from ‘Hot for Teacher’ so I made it my life’s work to never let that happen again. Really it’s just manners though.”

Some members of the band did not share Scott’s enthusiasm for announcing guitar solos.

“He’s even started yelling ‘outro!’ towards the end of songs,” said beleaguered Dante’s Inferno guitarist DaVarius Wynne. “I think he is trying to Pavlovian condition me. Every rehearsal we have he will say ‘guitar’ before I solo, and then tries to give me a treat like a chocolate bar or Olde English afterward. I’m getting pretty fucking sick of it. I know when to play guitar, it’s like my entire job. I don’t stand there and constantly scream ‘singing!’ while he is hitting high notes. At a show last week, I was shredding a solo, and he leans into the mic and says ‘guitar continues’ like 10 seconds into my part. It threw me off my game so hard.”

The gentlemanly introduction to guitar solos seems to be the start of a trend in the music industry.

“We are going to start introducing every sound in a song. Like subtitles that you can hear,” said super producer Rick Rock. “It’s time we make music for the hearing impaired explaining exactly what they’re listening to at any given moment. Dante’s Inferno made a good start by not letting a guitar solo go unannounced. We will follow their example by supporting audio descriptions for all of our music going forward, and even working on it for our back catalog. We think Beethoven’s music will be much more enjoyable when people know exactly what instrument is playing at all times. Harpsichord!”

At press time, Scott was announcing each chord that Wynne was playing before giving play-by-play of him smashing his guitar in frustration.

“Good Artists Borrow, Great Artists Steal” Whispers Man Before Mugging Tom Morello

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Untalented ne’er-do-well Tyler Buckley reportedly muttered a quote attributed to Pablo Picasso before sticking up Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, inspired sources confirmed.

“Whether it be the Beatles ripping off Little Richard or Bernie Madoff ripping off Kevin Bacon, it’s well known that all great artists steal. So when I saw Tom Morello fumbling for change at a parking meter, I knew that this moment, more so than starting a band or even touching a guitar, was going to be my ticket to stardom,” said Buckley. “I was pretty nervous, but then I remembered a quote said by either Henri Matisse or Sickie Wifebeater of the Mentors. ‘Creativity takes courage.’ And then that’s when I whipped out my boxcutter and yelled at him to empty his fucking pockets.”

Morello later recounted the horrible ordeal to the police.

“I just got out of a meeting with my financial advisor when this lunatic accosted me, demanding my wallet and a selfie,” said Morello while on hold with American Express to cancel his Black Card. “I’d hope that would be the end of it. But after threatening my life, he turned around briefly, then turned back and started addressing me as if I was a peer. I tried walking down the street but he tailed along and kept asking me if I wanted to go play a set at the Viper Room with the Hollywood Vampires. I don’t even think that place is open anymore.”

According to some experts, wannabe rock stars like Buckley are more often than not becoming the norm in the industry.

“I’m not sure if it’s a lack of critical thinking or shorter attention spans, but the majority of my students think that ‘breaking in’ to the music industry is meant to be taken literally,” explained music teacher Moshe Stewart. “And while yes, it is true that pretty much every major rock star of the past 50 years has committed crimes so heinous that they’d make even the most hardened special victims detectives spew chunks, I promise you, the musical talent has to be there before you can get away with all that stuff.”

At press time, Buckley was last seen whispering “art is never finished, only abandoned” to his kids before going out for milk and never returning.

I’m Sorry, You’re Charging How Much for Dirty Deeds Now?!

Posted on by James Knapp

What in the actual dad-rock fuck is this shit?! I make my way all the way downtown (on a Thursday!) just to order a few dirty deeds for nostalgia purposes and you’re charging how the fuck much?! This is outrageous!

Back in my day, we could get a dozen dirty deeds done and still have money left for the malt shop for what you’re charging now. This is highway robbery, which ironically is one of the deeds I was planning to procure today.

Who do you even think is going to pay that much just for a couple of hit jobs? I deserve to have my capable violence offered at a price that not just the Richie Richs of the world can afford. I’m on a fixed income for Christ’s sake, but that don’t mean I don’t got no dirty deeds don’t need doing.

I bet you won’t even get those deeds done dirty enough. Just one look at your whole slapdash operation and your vacant, glazed-over millennial face and I can tell you’re gonna phone in the whole dirt part, and probably a fair amount of the deed as well. No one wants to work anymore!

People used to take pride in the work they did, whether you were a plumber, a shoe shiner or a criminal impresario. But now it seems everyone is just looking for a hand out as opposed to a boot to the face – I really did kick that shoe kid pretty hard, but hey them’s the breaks.

You know what, I actually don’t think I do need any dirty deeds after all. Your prices, as well as your general attitude and the fact that my blood pressure is spiking has turned me off of the whole thing. But of course I still expect you to validate my parking. Good day, fuckface.

Cool-Looking Synthesizer Unfortunately the Kind That’s Tough to Figure Out

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Disappointed members of electro-punk outfit Lilypad Lads were sad to discover that their newly purchased vintage synthesizer was extremely difficult to use, stupefied sources confirmed.

“It just looked so badass, with all the different knobs and fancy patch cords and stuff. I didn’t know that it wasn’t the type of thing you could just turn on and start playing like a Casio. There’s a whole scientific aspect to modular synthesis that I clearly wasn’t ready for. Maybe they offer a class at the community college?” said Lilypad Lads lead keyboardist Larry Linzer. “I guess I shouldn’t have been so hasty in tossing the user manual in the trash. If anybody knows what ‘oscillator’ or ‘sine wave’ means, please hit me up, because I’d love to start using this godforsaken behemoth.”

Other band members shared Linzer’s crestfallen attitude after having their hopes dashed by the synth.

“I got pretty excited when I heard it making sounds from the other room, kind of a cross between a mortar blast and a hyena howl. But, then I went in there to find that no one was playing it, and it was just the noise it makes when the power adapter isn’t in all the way.” said drummer Lemmy Lornstein. “I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a few years before we figure out how to get anything tonal out of this thing. But you gotta admit, it looks so rad. Straight out of Mutato Muzika. I’ll be putting still images of this on Instagram starting tomorrow.”

NASA scientist Orson Florence reports that analog synthesizer unusability is a problem his team is hard at work on.

“We’ve got a whole wing of the administration sweating round the clock over it. The question of ‘why are the cool-looking retro synths the toughest ones to figure out’ is one that’s plagued mankind ever since Bob Moog burst onto the scene,” said Florence gravely. “The higher knob number makes it look more futuristic, thus badass, but at the cost of knowing what the hell is going on with it, functionally.”

“Much like a pet store might advise against the adoption of a dog one doesn’t have the means to take care of,” Florence cautioned. “We here at NASA must warn novice musicians not to bite off more than they can chew in the synth department. Leave that to the professionals.”

At press time, the Lilypad Lads found that the new synth was even hard to use as a coffee table, as it doesn’t have adequate space for setting down mugs.

Review: Knapsack “Silver Sweepstakes”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. This week we reviewed Knapsack’s landmark emo masterpiece “Silver Sweepstakes” because Rebecca left us again.

And yes, we did say “again.” Not that it really matters anymore – particularly as we have the hyper-depressed caterwauling of Blair Shehan to comfort while she goes to stay at her mom’s house for a couple of weeks. Hey, at least she took the kids with her this time.

This debut record from the ‘90s emo pioneers has gotten a lot of sadsacks through their sad crap. It certainly was that way for us the first time Rebecca changed all of the locks and threw our vintage band shirts all over the lawn. Do you think Elliot shirts just go on trees? I can tell you, they don’t. At this point, however, it’s more like comfort food for us. This will all be over soon, and then we’ll get our shirts back.

Back when it was new this album used to make us want to lay in bed all day, softly sobbing into a heap of plush blankets. Now, we just want to see if GrubHub will deliver to our bedroom but only so we don’t have to bother putting on pants.

Now that we think of it, “Silver Sweepstakes” might have been the only record we really come back to every time this happens. We wonder if there’s some kind of a connection there or if this album just really slaps that hard that it works in this context every time. Whatever, we’re not gonna bother calling again.

So Knapsack is pretty cool. It’s maybe not an ideal situation going on now as Rebecca has also blocked our phone numbers, including the secret one we thought she didn’t know about. But in any case, can someone out there try to get our shirts back?

SCORE: 7 out of 10 restraining orders

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