Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ the man. What did the historical Jesus look like? How did he really live? What sort of Juggalo would he be? These are the questions that have plagued scholars since the release of The Great Milenko.

Today, science is shedding some dope-ass light on the Hatchetman of hatchetmen.

It’s common knowledge today that Jesus didn’t have flowing straight blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He likely had dark/olive skin, dark curly hair, and brown eyes. It is also common knowledge that the Insane Clown Posse is the most important cultural movement of our time.

If Jesus was alive today he undoubtedly would have been a Juggalo, a diehard fan of the Insane Clown Posse, or any group signed to Psychopathic Record. Dr. Joshuel Kurtz, the project leader responsible for remaining Christ as a Jugallo, shared some insights into the potential importance of his team’s work.

“If Jesus gave the sermon on the mound today, it would undoubtedly preach the doctrine of Jugga-love. We’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, and it’s probably just a story, but what we’re speculating here is, ‘what if it actually happened? And what if, instead of wine, it was Faygo? And what flavor would it be?’ Shit like that. We had a lot of grant money and unlimited time, so we’re exploring the Jesus-as-Juggalo premise from every conceivable angle”

To anyone who dismisses this project as a crude, amateurish photoshop job, unworthy of the three years and six million dollars in grant money it took to complete, the Juggalo community has only one thing to say to you: Watch your ass.

Woman’s Parents Keep Asking When She and Boyfriend Going to Start Podcast Together

Posted on by Tim Graham

TOWSON, Md. — Local woman Cassandra Fedge is feeling mounting pressure from her parents to “get serious” and start a podcast with her longtime boyfriend, according to sources within her Sunday brunch group.

“My parents keep talking about how their friends’ daughters are all starting podcasts with their partners. They’re really getting up my ass about it,” said Fedge. “The straw that broke the camel’s back was my cousin Sara. She and her boyfriend are in their late thirties and have been together forever. Nobody thought they were ever going to settle down and start a podcast together. But then Sara made a Facebook post saying the two of them are launching one recapping ‘Supernatural’ from the beginning. My mom called me within minutes.”

Fedge’s boyfriend Thad Susser said that while the two of them are in love, they feel they’re still pretty young to be making that kind of commitment.

“We’re only in our mid-twenties,” said Susser. “We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and people are pushing us to make these big, content-based decisions. Her parents don’t understand that not everyone has to follow the same path. If and when we do start a podcast together, maybe it won’t be a traditional arrangement. Maybe it’ll be the two of us hosting, but sometimes we’ll bring on a third. It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake.”

Relationship advice podcaster Sheila Lovelock said she sees some red flags in Fedge and Susser’s case.

“When a couple—especially a young white couple like this who share common interests in video games and movies—have been together for a few years and still express no desire to start a podcast, it could be a sign that the relationship is in trouble,” said Lovelock. “Really, they should be grateful for the way things are now. They should think of it from their parents’ point of view: when their generation was young, podcasts didn’t even exist. Couples basically had to talk to each other one-on-one all the time, with no audience or Patreon subscribers at all.”

At press time, the couple had agreed to join a Dungeons & Dragons group which streams weekly on Twitch as a compromise to appease Fedge’s parents.

Ron DeSantis Removes Bad Brains From “Essential Hardcore” Playlist

Posted on by Dave McNamara

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced last week that his state would seek to remove DC hardcore legends Bad Brains from the “Essential Hardcore” playlist on Spotify, multiple sources confirmed.

“A lot of people might not know this about me, but I’m a big fan of hardcore punk rock and roll,” said DeSantis in an interview from his home in RumChata Springs, Florida. “You look at my CDs you’ll find Third Eye Blind, Gin Blossoms, and Smash Mouth, I’ve been in the scene for a long time. But putting Bad Brains on the ‘Essential Hardcore’ playlist is nothing more than a woke revisionist history trying to make white people feel guilty. I mean, Bad Brains were nothing more than a reggae band that has no lasting legacy in the hardcore movement as far as I can tell.”

Bad Brains frontman HR spoke about the move while on tour with his latest band Everlasting Vibrations of Universal Awareness in Movement and Righteousness.

“Sounds like Mr. DeSantis was a little too inspired by our ‘Banned in D.C.’ song,” said HR. “These men deal in negativity. It’s their currency, whereas mine is only one of love and positivity. If they want to erase Bad Brains from the history book, that’s their prerogative albeit disappointing. If we’re not careful, Florida youth will never be exposed to Fishbone on their ska playlists, Living Colour on their rock playlists, or the Wu-Tang Clan in general. What a shame.”

Ibram X. Kendi is an author, professor, and activist, whose book “How to be Antiracist” is on DeSantis’ list of banned books in Florida schools.

“DeSantis is part of a long legacy of politicians seeking to maintain a white supremacist interpretation of American history,” said Kendi. “In this version of history, slavery had no lasting effect on Black Americans, Civil Rights solved racism, and apparently the single most influential hardcore band of all time was nothing more than a footnote in the history of the movement. In my book, I talk about the idea that you can only really have one of two perspectives on race in America: racist or antiracist. With people like DeSantis I think we need to introduce a third option: super fucking racist.”

At press time, the DeSantis administration offered an alternative list of artists to replace Bad Brains on the playlist, including Kid Rock, Disturbed, and a recently surfaced recording of Eric Clapton’s racist rant against immigrants from 1976.

Mark Mothersbaugh Busts Out Acoustic Keytar at Campfire Singalong

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BIG BEAR LAKE, Calif. — Legendary Devo co-founder Mark Mothersbaugh delighted dozens of acquaintances around a campfire after busting out his acoustic keytar to kick off a singalong, charmed sources confirmed.

“Well, it was the final night of the annual Mutato Muzika employee woodland retreat, we were all sitting around roasting potatoes, and I was feeling a bit wistful. So, luckily, I broke out my ol’ Alesis Acoust-Ex 300 so we could all have a big old-fashioned family singalong. Mostly deep cuts off ‘Oh, No! It’s Devo,’ starting with ‘Time Out For Fun’ which I felt was relevant to the occasion,” said Mothersbaugh, adjusting his famous eyeglass frames. “Yup, I never take a camping trip without my trusty acoustic…Oh, just make sure to be careful no one else mistakes it for a block of firewood.”

Participants in the singalong were visibly enthralled, though some became unsettled at what they were witnessing.

“Initially, I was having a blast. But then I began thinking more about the logistics of how an acoustic keytar is even physically possible. I started to comfort myself by saying it must work like an actual piano,” said Mutato engineer Vivienne Holiday. “But, then, how could it be making such electronic sounds? The damn thing had vocoder capabilities! Did Mark make it himself? Was NASA somehow involved? I’m not totally unconvinced I didn’t dream the whole thing at this point. After that retreat, I need a vacation.”

Senior Park Ranger Ollie Trythall elaborated on how Devo fans often fare in deep wilderness situations.

“Oh, you might be surprised, but Devotees tend to flourish out here in the great outdoors. You see, their yellow radiation suits are flame retardant, so if a forest fire flares up, they can waltz right through to safety,” observed Trythall. “Plus, whether it be a New Traditionalist pompadour or the classic energy dome, their headgear usually protects them from all manner of falling debris. From acorn to avalanche, it just bounces right off. On top of that, de-evolution theorizes humans are an unnatural species, responsible for the destruction of the planet, which makes the fans much more in tune with the forest’s so-called ‘lower’ life forms. Your average Spud has a hell of a lot more respect for a patch of moss than it does a nuclear family.”

After the singalong, Mothersbaugh reportedly donned his iconic Booji Boy mask, held a flashlight under it, and told horror stories about the record contracts they signed in the late ‘80s.

You Can Pry My Monster Energy Drink From My Cold, Extremely Shaky Hands

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Hey, you little non-neon-colored pissbaby. You want to take my beloved Pipeline Punch, huh? You think my Monster Energy consumption is so concerning? Well, good luck trying to take it from me because you’ll have to pry that sweet battery acid from my cold, cold hands that will not stop shaking for some reason.

I dare you to come and take my Monster Energy drink. Even if I handed it over willingly like a coward, the condensation on the can would send it spilling from your puny mortal hands to the cold, hard ground. You wouldn’t want to let that happen. I also have the upper hand with my lightning-fast reflexes, so I could snatch my beverage right back from your weak, decaffeinated arms.

It’s not like you have other options. What are you going to do, take my Ultra variety pack away while I’m sleeping? Bold of you to assume I’m capable of rest. While you dream about separating me from my beloved Monster, I stay awake to unleash the beast.

I don’t have an energy drink problem. I’m also fond of juices, java, and lemonade. It’s just a coincidence that those also happen to be Monster-branded products. I’ll even settle for a Red Bull if it means I can get my afternoon pick-me-up without you bringing me down.

Many have tried to stop me from indulging in my fun little drinks and all of their efforts have failed. My hands shake so much that the cops can’t cuff me. My mind races so fast that my psychiatrist can’t comprehend what’s going on in there. My bladder always needs emptying so I’m never in one spot long enough for anyone to track me.

The only way you will separate me from my Monster is over my dead body. Even then, good luck getting the can out of my still-twitching corpse’s grip.

Review: PUP “Morbid Stuff”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times reviews the latest and greatest in punk rock. This week we took a look at PUP’s 2019 album “Morbid Stuff” because we… wait… 2019?! Oh holy fuck!!! We are way, way far behind on our reviews.

Shit, how did this even happen? I mean, quarantine obviously didn’t help, but we’ve been using that as an excuse for a while now so we should probably figure out how we ended up reviewing an album from four years ago as a new release.

And now that we think of it, have those guys done much lately? Four years is a long time, but if they’ve been quiet since then we might be able to get away with this. Let’s just check Wikipedia quickly. They have released three other records since then! Fuck, this is so fucked up. What was the band thinking? Stop being so prolific, take a breath, adopt a dog, just stop writing music for one goddamned minute so we can figure out what the fuck we need to do.

Forget it, let’s just get something down real fast. PUP’s “Morbid Stuff” sounds like… shit, what did the album sound like. It was so long ago and we were on so much ketamine at the time, good stuff too. Never mind it sounds like early PUP… or possibly later PUP… but also with… different than both of those. Wow, that last sentence is so vague it could be a pop-country song.

Alright, alright, let’s bring this home. “Morbid Stuff” is about lots of really, really, really morbid stuff. And we’re like 30% sure that that’s true. Also, it has a very fun and colorful album cover, with knives! Pretty punk, eh? Can’t go wrong with knives. Hey real quick, remember when every hardcore band had brass knuckles in their logo? What a weird time.

Look, what do you want from us? We fucking dropped the ball on this one, okay? If you’re a fan of other PUP albums then this is also one of them. Make up your own mind while we go figure out exactly where the hell all of the time went.

SCORE: Seriously? How the hell should we know?

Nu Metal Bassist Gets All Tangled up in Floppy Detuned Strings

Posted on by Tim Graham

DUBUQUE, Iowa — Bassist Lefty García of the nu metal band Soild became entangled in his dangerously detuned strings at a recent gig, according to horrified audience members.

“I used to play in drop C and thought that sounded badass enough,” said Lefty, still in recovery from string burns. “But the rest of the band kept ridin’ me, saying, ‘Lower! Tune lower!’ So I detuned the strings until they were barely hanging on—they were just flopping around wildly as I slapped. Suddenly, my wallet chain became wrapped up in the strings. I was still trying to play and untangle the chain at the same time when my entire body got caught up, too. Eventually, I fell over, struggling to free my arms and legs from the strings. I’m definitely gonna have scars.”

Audience member Jake Crenshaw described the chaotic spectacle on stage.

“I just wanted to see Soild play, but instead I was traumatized by this terrifying scene,” said Crenshaw as he practiced vape tricks in the parking lot. “He was all fucked up in the strings, just flailing around and screaming. It honestly looked like something out of ‘Hellraiser.’ Instead of helping, the rest of the band stopped playing and stood there laughing while Lefty suffered. A few of us in the crowd shouted for someone to help him. Eventually, a guitar tech came out with wire cutters and snipped him free. Needless to say, the show was canceled.”

Ibanez recently released an extra-long scale bass which should help prevent such accidents, according to sales representative Ian Blaine.

“The extreme length of our new bass neck allows for specialized, super heavy gauge strings which can produce the lowest of notes while remaining taut,” said Blaine. “We’re targeting the nu metal scene in particular, as the bassists in that genre are constantly being pressured to tune down to unsafe levels. Of course, the new bass will take some getting used to, as the neck is nearly seven feet long and does require two people to play—one person to slap or pick while the other frets. Understandably, some bands on a tight budget might not be able to hire a second bass player for this to be practical.”

At press time, García had reportedly quit Soild, bought a nice, safe mandolin and joined a folk punk group.

Polyphonic Spree Shocks Bennigan’s Wait Staff by Asking For 25 Separate Checks in Harmony

Posted on by Chris Bratton

ELGIN, Ill. — The Texas-based orchestral pop collective The Polyphonic Spree stunned the wait staff of Bennigan’s when they requested 25 separate checks to be split among the group’s members in perfect harmony, sources who just wanted a break confirmed.

“No heads up, no phone call, not even an email from their tour manager. They all poured out of a single tour bus like clowns from a tiny car. They scampered through the door all wearing robes and each one of them had a dead-eyed smile that still gives me chills,” said waitress Jess Fogliano. “The entire time I was serving them they kept getting up to do that jumpy hippie dance, then switch seats and feed each other by hand. Which would have been fine but when I dropped off the check they sang about needing separate checks to the tune of their song ‘Light and Day.’ At least split it up by chorus, strings, and brass section or some shit. Like, you are all wearing the same fucking thing.”

Unaware of the disturbance they had produced, members of the large band fondly remembered the meal.

“Sharing a tour bus with one bathroom and twenty-five people can drain your inner self light. But then you stop for fast casual Irish pub food and you’re centered again,” said Piccolo player Austin Yerrick while counting out nickels and pennies to pay their check. “Honestly the Shamrockin’ Sangria may be the greatest cocktail on the planet, is what I thought until I tried the O’Malley’s Mojito! Two cocktails and a basket of ribs were so reasonably priced I had money left over to buy some crystals from a sidewalk vendor. The only downside is the staff didn’t let us join in on the birthday song for a six-year-old sitting at a table nearby who wouldn’t stop crying anytime one of us tried to dance with him.”

Food Sociologist Karen Bowie added insight into the relations between certain food and subcultures.

“It’s natural for what seems to be a church choir opting for food that hails from one of the most Catholic places on earth. We see it a lot with bands from California frequenting Mexican restaurants so they can complain about the burritos being better at home and how poor avocados are outside of Southern California,” said Bowie. “As far as being difficult, well I hope you never encounter a Ska band post-show at a Perkins, checkered shoes tracking scrambled eggs everywhere.”

At press time, a local ice cream shop announced they would be closing permanently after each member of the band asked for a sample and bankrupted the business.

Is My Tea Ready or Is That Just My Tinnitus?

Posted on by Kevin Tit

I’ve been going to punk and metal shows for the better part of thirty years and I’ve seen a lot of things change over time. Everything from the sound to the fashion, to the… hold on. Do you hear that? I think the tea is ready. Would you like a cup? I’ll be right back. Two seconds.

Okay. Nevermind. I forgot to turn the hot water on. Where was I? Oh yeah. The scene. It’s come a long way from where it was. I mean, when I was a kid going to shows you didn’t know if you were gonna make it out aliv- there it goes again. Damn, that water got hot fast. Excuse me for a second.

Sorry. False alarm. Y’know, to be completely honest, my tinnitus has gotten so bad that I can never tell if my tea is ready or if the eternal ringing in my brain is amplifying. It’s pretty miserable sometimes, I can’t lie. I should have worn earplugs at all those shows but I didn’t wanna look like a dweeb. I mean, it was the 90s! Nobody worried about that type of thing back then.

Thinking back, it wasn’t worth it. This condition has really ruined my life. Never in a thousand years did I expect to end up on the no-fly list. I didn’t mean to scare everyone at the airport! I really thought I heard the faint high-pitched sound of a bomb dropping out of the sky and I thought I could save hundreds of lives. And since only thirty-five people were trampled to death in the panic, I’d say the numbers support my decision to speak out.

If I could instill any advice onto the younger generation of folks going to shows it would be this: WEAR SOME DAMN EARPLUGS. Not only could it save your life but it could save others and, oh, hold on. I think my tea is ready.

The Hard Times Guide to Saying Nothing When a Young Person Discovers a Band You Like

Posted on by Tom Peters

It will happen to us all. We will see a post online or overhear a conversation in a vintage store. An excited young person will make a public declaration about a cool band they just “discovered.” One that we’ve already lived several lifetimes with, tracking their ups and downs with each release, perhaps even abandoning them forever, only to come back around again with the forgiveness that only time brings. It can be tempting to speak up and tell the Wednesdays of the world that the “new” band they’re falling in love with actually belonged to you first.

That’s why we’ve put together these step-by-step instructions on how to not do that. This is the Hard Times guide to saying nothing when a young person discovers a band you like.

Step 1: Don’t Say Anything
This is always the hardest one to get right. How can you resist explaining to a Stranger Things fan that you’ve listened to Metallica for so long that you only like “Master Of Puppets” ironically now? Simple: Shut the fuck up. Just let people enjoy things and try to remember what that feels like. Besides, young people don’t need any extra help thinking you’re old.

Step 2: Be Quiet
Okay, you’ve made it through step one. The hard part’s over. But how will everyone know you’ve got an original pressing of the latest TikTok trend on vinyl? This one’s tricky, but it looks like the answer is still shutting the fuck up. It turns out that younger generations don’t share in your object fetishization, so the gate you’re keeping has already turned to dust. Just keep quiet and go back home to your precious possessions and be happy that your records will go on to make someone happy long after you’re gone, or whenever you decide to sell them.

Step 3: Did You See Them Live? Doesn’t Matter, Stop Talking
Quite possibly the highest form of clout to lord over a burgeoning music fan is having seen a band live in their heyday. But unfortunately this, too, is meaningless. There’s no magic that rubbed off on you because you got drunk in the same room as a cool band. Frank Stallone saw the Velvet Underground live and look what happened to him. Just write down whatever you were going to say and post it in a YouTube comment where it belongs.

Step 4: Keep Shutting The Fuck Up
Time to take everything you’ve learned and get out there and leave everybody alone. It might feel like your favorite music is a precious resource and that new fans enjoying it the wrong way will take away from how much it means to you. But for them to gain doesn’t mean you have to lose. Fandom isn’t a zero-sum game. Just be happy that your favorite bands are living on through new fans and the magical life experiences they’ll be soundtracking.