ABERDEEN, Wash. — Local psilocybin enthusiast Justin Reeves grew suspicious of his partner’s over-the-top reaction to peaking on psychedelic mushrooms, sources reported.
“I’ve seen better acting in local car commercials,” said Reeves, referring to the last time he tripped on mushrooms with his girlfriend, Denise Ashcroft. “There was so much ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ that people from neighboring campsites told us to keep it down. I didn’t think much of it when she complimented my hat even though I wasn’t wearing one, but when she started crying because she ‘heard an ant’s heartbeat,’ I knew I was dealing with an actress.”
When Reeves realized Ashcroft peaked in 45 minutes, a record in comparison to his previous two girlfriends who both took hours, he was particularly skeptical.
“Yeah I faked it,” said Ashcroft. “I figured the faster I pretended to peak the sooner it would be over with. I didn’t even eat the mushrooms. I pretended to chew them the way you fake chew in front of a baby who won’t eat their dinner and then put them in my pocket so I could take them alone later. I should feel bad, but it’s hard to feel anything but seething anger when your partner asks ‘are you peaking yet’ every six minutes while ‘Starship Troopers’ plays on repeat.”
There are many reasons women fake mushroom peaks, but unless your partner flat-out admits to it, it’s usually impossible to prove.
“No two peaks are going to look exactly alike,” said Steven Vetter, a self-described psychedelic researcher. “The movies will make you think that all couples peak at the same time, but that’s just Hollywood. In reality, many women find it easier to peak alone or even with a group of random strangers than with their own partner. Many of my clients have confided in me they’ve faked complete ego deaths, but reported the experience ‘still felt good’ even though they didn’t peak.”
At press time, Ashcroft was seen acquiescing to Reeves by pretending indica made her sleepy so she could roll on her side and stare at her phone.
It’s not Danzig era. It’s not even Graves era. This is Jerry Only singing. Like lead singing. Sure, there are some bright spots if you look close enough, but overall it feels like a watered down version of a previously watered down version of the band. Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein isn’t even on it. Misfits are usually at their best when there are at least two devilock hairstyles in the group at a time.
The first appearance of Only-era Misfits came in the form of this collection of covers. It also features Marky Ramone on drums and Dez Cadena of Black Flag on guitar, so it’s barely a Misfits lineup. It’d be like if Krist Novoselic recorded a new Nirvana album with the drummer of Pearl Jam and guitarist from Soundgarden and acted as if it was business as usual. Doesn’t sit right.
The Graves era endured from 1995 to 2000, which means it had more staying power than the Confederacy. This first Graves record is pretty good on its own merits, but it almost feels like a sequel to a beloved movie. Same genre, similar plot, familiar characters, but new villain who just so happened to come out years later as a Proud Boy and was probably at the January 6th insurrection for all we know. Memorable casting nonetheless.
This one is honestly solid, but it doesn’t have that same “I killed a baby today” lyrical urgency like some of the others. It has elements of punk and metal layered with catchy hooks, so it’s very easy on the ears. The sound is also very polished, which probably makes it a more friendly introduction to the band if you’re just starting your punk journey, until you have enough experience to become a seasoned vet who can, and probably should, dismiss this record entirely.
This one is fast, aggressive, and probably their most blood-curdling studio release. And hey, it’s even got our old pal Glenn. One of the great things about Misfits and this album in particular is that almost none of their songs are personal. While other singers complain about their love lives or going down on Dave Coulier in a theater, Danzig is imagining what it’s like to be a werewolf ripping out the throats of unsuspecting humans. It’s refreshing.
With classic tracks like “Hybrid Moments,” “Last Caress,” and “Teenagers From Mars,” you could easily rank this number one. We didn’t though. But it’s got that demo quality charm that they abandoned in later releases, which proves that bands should never evolve their sound too much (see “Devil’s Rain”) despite the human urge to grow creatively and write and direct “Verotika.”
This is the Misfits mission statement. It’s an album so good that it inspired millions of punk, hardcore, and metal bands for decades to come and as many as dozens of horror punk bands. Lyrically this record is groundbreaking too. Bob Dylan never wrote anything as important or profound as “I want your skull, I need your skull.” Danzig was just on another level.
