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5 Best Dog Food Brands To Help Condition Your Palate for the Inevitable Nuclear Apocalypse

Nuclear war. It’s been the backdrop for countless movies, and video games and served as the #1 looming threat that causing loss of sleep in America for generations. Unfortunately, it’s safe to say the total bummer that is the threat of nuclear holocaust has made its way back into all of our lives.

Do yourself a favor and get ahead of the game! Morals and human decency will most certainly be sparse during the apocalypse, as will basic necessities like food and water, so you’ll have to improvise! Here’s some of the best dog food out there that you can start eating today to help prepare your palette for Armageddon!

Purina ONE (Beef and Brown Rice Entrée)
Our first choice goes to the reliable folks at Purina with their fine brand of “I love my dog, but not enough to care about what she eats” food. If you’re lucky to find a can of this in the wasteland, you’re in for some good eating. Plus it will help you develop a nice, thick, shiny fur coat to help protect you from nuclear winter!

Kibbles ‘N Bits
If you prefer end-of-day delicacies dry, Kibbles ‘N Bits is probably your best bet. Dry food might be the best way to start out on your conditioning as well. Start by replacing a quarter of your morning Cinamon Toast Crunch with Kibbles ‘N Bits, then add a little more each morning. It’s full of delicious nutritional unnamed animal parts and bone meal! Sounds a little off-putting, but you’ll thank yourself when the bomb drops.

Dogs always love to rip into the garbage whenever they can. And why not? There’s bound to be some good eats scattered in there! But just be aware: rifling through dumpsters to look for old melon rinds and chicken bones to eat might be safe for now, but when the apocalypse hits, you’re going to have to be a bit more cautious of irradiated rubble.

Wallets, Homework, Collectables, etc.

No! Don’t think you have to just chuck out all the things that brought you some semblance of joy in your pre-bomb life! You can just take all those video games, records, blu rays, and other useless crap straight to the kitchen! That small LP collection you inherited from your parents could be more than just a chew toy, with a little fresh water, radiation-free wheatgrass, and some salt packets, you got yourself a nice hot Paul Simon stew to fill you up. Not to mention keep you warm on those cold, lonely, dark afternoons in the barren wastes!

Anyone Who Dares Trespass on Your Territory
More than likely, you’re going to run across a few bad eggs here and there during the end of civilization as we know it. It’s a dog-eat-dog world for sure, and when you add mass atomic death into the equation, things will head south pretty quick. Now I don’t recommend nor condone cannibalism, but maybe you could take a page from man’s best friend and tear off the mailman’s face? Or at the very least, let him know he’s not welcome with a series of vicious-sounding noises and a little mouth froth. Plus, odds are months of radiation from nuclear fallout will turn you and your loved ones into bloodthirsty mutants anyways, so might as well get a head start!