Here at the Hard Times, we’re no strangers to waking up from a drug-induced slumber in a dingy bathroom next to a bunch of random people and no idea how we got here. But when a little clown puppet with a soul patch and a red Yankees hat asked us how much we were willing to sacrifice for the nookie, we knew this wasn’t a typical hangover. Well turns out Jigsaw is a massive nu-metal fan, because a sinister voice has commanded us to rank the top 15 Limp Bizkit songs, or he’s gonna take a cookie and stick it up our—well, you know.
15. “Hold On”
When we realized we were wallet-chained to a wall next to a hacksaw, it became pretty clear Jigsaw wanted us to suffer for making fun of his beloved nu-metal. We thought we could appease him by putting Limp Bizkit’s most earnest song on the list to prove we were taking this seriously, but some contraption broke a bunch of our fingers and now we can’t hold on to the saw and escape.
14. “Boiler”
Fred Durst bares his soul in a song that’s surprisingly vulnerable considering it appears on a record named after buttholes, but at seven minutes long we contemplated just letting the laser collar trap dice us up chocolate starfish-first.
13. “Hot Dog”
Hot Dog hits the ‘fuck’ quota needed to earn the coveted Parental Advisory sticker in roughly 30 seconds, freeing Fred Durst up to spend the rest of the song ripping Trent Reznor. Speaking of getting ripped up, we had to crawl over an enormous hot dog roller covered in barbed wire to get out of this one.
12. “Pollution”
Truly a fitting soundtrack while you’re being forced to put on jean shorts, take your shirt off, and then start a pushpit in a hole full of dirty hypodermic needles.
11. “Eat You Alive”
When the clown-faced man re-appeared we thought we were gonna get instructions for the next game, but turns out it was just Wes Borland. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for him to get tired of whipping us with a cat o’ nine tails made from guitar strings, and he just left to go work on other projects before this song finished.
10. “Counterfeit”
Limp Bizkit really was beefing with a lot of bands, huh? Well Jigsaw commanded us to ‘open our eyes to see beyond the mask called counterfeit’ by fishing a key out from behind our eye socket, but we’re kind of hoping it’s our ears next time.
9. “Re-Arranged”
By this point we were warming up to the idea of having our heads torn off by the reverse bear trap, but Jigsaw was pretty insistent that we finish ranking songs first. The sinister voice told us that the only way to get this trap off was by “rearranging” Carson Daly’s internal organs and retrieving a key from his torso before the song ended—and yes Jigsaw, we see what you did there, you’re very clever.
8. “My Generation”
Just like when Fred Durst let his fellow bandmates shine on “My Generation,” Jigsaw brought in some backup for this one. It was bad enough when we were strapped into a torture rack while John Otto beat us relentlessly with drumsticks, but DJ Lethal scratching as our pained screams echoed through the torture chamber just added insult to injury.
7. “My Way”
Fred declares it’s my way or the highway, but turns out ‘Jigsaw’s Way’ is through the razor wire maze.
6. “Take a Look Around”
Jigsaw must not have taken kindly to his favorite band providing a song for the Mission Impossible 2 soundtrack instead of Saw, because the exec that greenlit the decision just had the flesh torn from his skull with exploding sunglasses straight out of the movie. On the plus side, the slow-motion doves flying by in the background while his head detonated looked cool as shit.
5. “Rollin (Air Raid Vehicle)”
Look, we wouldn’t usually admit a song this embarrassing was in our top five if we weren’t coerced, but Jigsaw made us do the stupid Rollin’ dance on a pile of loose legos until we confessed. It was easily the most painful thing so far, and the only thing that kept us going was the chorus was catchy enough to help us ignore the pain.
4. “Faith”
This high-energy George Michael cover melts your fuckin’ face off when the chorus kicks in, much like the vat of boiling hot dog water that just got poured onto the guy next to us.
3. “N 2 Gether Now”
Listening to Fred Durst’s singing for an extended period of time can feel like its own unique form of torture, but thankfully Method Man’s mellow rapping over a DJ Premier gem gave us a needed reprieve. Unfortunately, Jigsaw might have recruited another new apprentice because we just saw Meth put a coat hanger on a fuckin’ stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour like ‘tsss’.
2. “Nookie”
Fine, we admit it! We boosted this CD from Tower Records in ‘99 so we could listen to “Nookie” on loop. Ow! Fine, it was an FYE and we paid for it. Ow! Okay, it was Walmart, it was the edited version, and our mom bought it. We loved the song and Grandma got us a shirt from Hot Topic for Christmas. Is that what you wanted to hear? Now stop with the cookies.
1. “Break Stuff”
‘Everything is fucked, everybody sucks! You don’t really know why, but you want to justify, rippin’ someone’s head off!’ It’s clear John Kramer heard this banger on TRL, and like many troubled young people, made it his whole personality. We’re unsure if this is what he wanted us to take away from this deadly experiment, but we’re just saying that the soul patch he’s rocking in the first Saw makes a lot more sense now.
Well we had to start somewhere, and it had to be their debut album. “Shallow” comes out of the gate swinging (as an eight-track album should, there’s limited time damn it) but overall doesn’t say a whole lot that’s super consequential, unless you’re the kind of person who gets irrationally angry over having a head cold. Though what it lacks in the lyrics department is made up for in feedback-laden raw energy and hilarious self-deprecation. The one-two combo of the script flipping “Closet Marine” and “I Broke My Own Heart” are the glue that holds the album together.
Five albums and more than a decade into their existence, you can hear in Matt Korvette’s voice that he’s angrier than ever, his piercing scream now more of a guttural growl. “Why Love Now” covers the existential crisis of realizing our bodies are falling apart (“Waiting on My Horrible Warning”) along with the world around us, and that mediocrity is the new normal (“The Bar is Low”). The band sounds like they’re soundtracking the apocalypse while Korvette’s voice gets even more gravely as the album trudges on. Still, he makes a pretty good case for pegging on “Cold Whip Cream” so at least we can have some fun before the end times.
Remember when you graduated college ready to conquer the world only to realize that everyone sucks and the best days are behind you? Pepperidge Farms – I mean Pissed Jeans – does. It’s the darkest effort in their catalog, and a perfect soundtrack for mid-20s angst set to post-punk and old-school hardcore. Though as Korvette deftly illustrates throughout the album, the only thing worse than life not turning out how you expected is being a conformist tool. And yet on “I’ve Still Got You (Ice Cream)” he makes a compelling case that there’s still beauty in this world.
It’s a dangerous game when a band begins an album with the best song in its repertoire, but from the infinitely ass kicking “False Jesii, Pt. 2” the only way to go is up. You’d swear upon first listen that this was the second coming of Jesus Lizard. Korvette comes as close as he can to writing love songs with “She is Science Fiction” and “Lip Ring”, while also pointing out that as opposed to what Green Day has said, masturbation hasn’t lost its fun on “Pleasure Race”. Hell, it’s more fun than ever! “King of Jeans” is a perfect encapsulation of being in your late 20s/early 30s: the mind rages, but the body wants to stay in bed.
“Honeys” plays out like a day in the life of an office worker at 100 miles per hour. With opener “Bathroom Laughter” launching you out of bed like a screeching alarm clock when you’re already late for work, the next 40 minutes of “life is hell” affirmations are the boys at their best both sonically and lyrically. Dispensing hot tips on subjects like how to stay healthy (don’t go to the doctor) and keeping your partner happy (do the bare minimum, it’s fine), not a moment is wasted and you’re left with the satisfaction that someone out there would also do cartwheels if your boss died.
This woman shows up, briefly alludes to having a kid with Roman, and then vanishes from existence. I need people who are going to be on time, not disappear from reality.
Dude was offended I even approached him. “Your entire enterprise is the exact sort of hollow, pedantic, lowest common denominator drivel eroding the human spirit like a cancer from the inside, all in the name of the almighty dollar” were his exact words. We sell t-shirts, bro, chill.
With the exception of Roman, the overt Nazis on “Succession” are low on this list, and Jeryd Mencken is the lowest of the low. This dude dismissed someone for crying at their father’s funeral, he’s not someone I want to see when I stroll into work on molly.
His entire marketing strategy was that I should call my dad? I don’t even know my dad.
She spent the whole interview telling me I need to strategize, but she wouldn’t strategize with me! Then she told me I need to talk to Ewan some more, and that guy hates my ass. She’s out.
Weirdest interview ever. She stared at me making passive-aggressive small talk the whole time as her staff brainstormed and printed a shirt design. Then her maid handed it to her and then she handed it to me and said “
All we know about Ray is that Logan once told him to piss in a bucket and he thought Logan was serious. I don’t know if he was intimidated or he’s really that literal, but either way, he doesn’t have what it takes to make my t-shirt shop the top on the boardwalk.
Matsson sent in some physical 
I don’t know where this guy gets off. He spent the whole interview asking who else I knew on the boardwalk and saying he would love an introduction like I owed him something. Screw him and his cheese knobbies.
Imagine what an incompetent pariah you need to be to wind up playing second fiddle to Connor Roy.
The dude’s only previous job experience was at The100, a company that never got off the ground. Pass.
Mark’s shirt design was a swastika, and he spent the whole interview telling me that it was a Tibetan swastika that had nothing to do with the Nazis.
Willa’s Mom spent the entire interview walking around the shop and announcing how she planned to redecorate. Did you know our vinyl press station would be the perfect spot for a chaise lounge?
Kendall’s kids decided to work together as one creative team. Unfortunately, all their design pitches involve 
The failed White House press secretary to t-shirt hut pipeline is more significant than you think, and it doesn’t usually work out for anyone involved.
The boardwalk t-shirt shop game is a competitive, cutthroat world. I thought I could use his skill set to dig up some dirt on my neighbors over at “Tee Myself and I.” Unfortunately, his design pitch, a shirt featuring a 
Her pitches were all plays on “Live Laugh Love.” “Live Laugh Divorce,” “Live Laugh Chardonnay,” “Live, Laugh, Overreact,” etc. Kinda played out, Rava. You’re too online, and mostly Facebook mom groups from the looks of it.
Tom may have “won the succession” and he’s a company man through and through, but he brings absolutely nothing to the table creatively. He did offer to go to prison for me several times, but unless he can deep fake himself in that video of me setting fire to “Beach Tees and Beyond” I’m going to need to keep exploring other legal strategies.
Connor’s pitch: A cartoon drawing of Napoleon with a visible erection captioned with “
You would think a father/daughter team would be relatively wholesome, but no. The t-shirt design pitches that twisted old man whispered to that woman to relate to me were some of the most depraved things I’ve ever heard in my life. There was one involving a catheter and an orphanage that will haunt my nightmares forever. We like to be edgy at Whack-eyed Tees, but the things this man wanted to print would get us shut down and possibly arrested.
10 years ago Lawrence would have made the top of this list in a heartbeat, but he’s a little too stuck in the VICE era to make it in today’s t-shirt game.
If this guy couldn’t beat Jeryd Mencken in an election, how is he going to help me push out those yahoos over at Patriot Tees?
“I went for three jobs, I didn’t get them, my vineyard was a write-off and now my trophy wife is sucking some waiter’s dick in Palermo and all I got was 
Hugo’s inept opportunism is the opposite of what we need, and his t-shirt pitches left something to be desired as well. One was a dog with his face saying “
The Used’s seventh record “The Canyon” is almost universally known by the group’s fans as a meh and way-too-long misstep for the band, but 2017 itself had a huge gaffe and was doomed from the start being that it was Trump’s first year as President of the United States, which seems to have really worked out for him. Anyway, this is The Used’s sole effort produced by nu-metal paladin Ross Robinson, the record doesn’t get repeated spins over and over again, but it still has some solid tunes.
2012’s “Vulnerable,” The Used’s fifth studio album, is the band’s first non-major label LP effort and hit stores almost exactly ten years after the four-piece’s breakout debut. While it is (wait for it, wait for it) a VULNERABLE-in-the-best-way overall listen, and “I Come Alive” is a hell of an opening track, the remaining eleven songs sadly aren’t in the same league overall, and provided the act with less of a chance to shine. It’s hard for any band with such an expansive catalog to consistently wow everyone, but “This Fire” and “Now That You’re Dead” are both literal bangers and silver medal song entries even though, as Ricky Bobby said in a different fashion, “Second place is the first loser.” Still, you should check both of those tracks out again, and immediately thereafter shake/bake!
Real talk that may cause force without violence: “Cry” is the band’s best post-major label single from 2010-the present day, and we’re not taking any further questions on the matter, as our love is not a battle, it’s a ticking time bomb. Yeah. 2014’s “Imaginary Enemy” is The Used’s best Hopeless Records release, and despite the fact that you didn’t realize that the band had a song newer than 2004’s “All That I Got,” it even charted at number one on the Independent albums chart. That’s not make believe! Said stat probably caught you off guard as you’re so deep. In closing, this album is also longtime guitarist Quinn Allman’s last with the band.
This album from The Used definitely has the band’s best LP title and album cover. “Toxic Positivity” has a solid flow front-to-back and features a diverse array of tones and textures throughout its eleven fruitful tracks. Speaking of the word “fruitful,” there’s nothing toxic about cherries unless you’re allergic to them. The prior sentence makes sense (as well as so many other brilliant ones here) if you deep dive into the band’s colorful catalog, which is so much more than strictly blue and yellow. Sky. Pee. Toxic positivity. Easter eggs are great for our headspace. Anyway, this album is the band’s shortest full-length, with no individual song being longer than three-minutes and thirty-five seconds, so if a particular tune offends you, and we know that at least one or more will for you punk rockers, you can make it through the rest quite quickly instead of giving up.
There were two eras of the early part of the pandemic (or plandemic if you nasty): The oft-forgotten-like-his-character-in-“Castaway” Tom Hanks’ self-quarantine period in Daniel Johns’ Australia, where The Used vocalist Bert McCracken currently resides, and the impossible-to-erase-from-your-mind-no-matter-how-hard-you-try rise of Netflix’s incomparable sleeper hit “The Tiger King’.’ 2020’s “Heartwork,” the band’s best non-major label release, was released shortly after the big, wanna-be Joe Exotic’s original “country” music caused the internet to have a permanent bloody nose from the metaphorical accident known as his two LPs. What a weird time to be alive! In closing, “Heartwork” is current guitarist Joey Bradford’s debut effort with the band, and the four-piece’s first for label Big Noise.
Fun fact: The band originally wanted to work with Weezer’s extremely lovable/hateable/revered/doomed frontman Rivers Cuomo on their fourth album “Artwork,” but ended up not exactly settling with platinum-and-then-some-producer Matt Squire for this one, the band’s first non-John Feldmann production effort. This eleven-song record is without question the band’s best sans Feldy, and their most underrated body of work altogether. Sadly, it seems that this album’s then-label Reprise Records showcased that they were born to quit just as the album cycle started, as the band had a chance to release only one single from “Artwork” before the suits quietly gave up on the other ten songs and the entire LP as a whole. We suppose that the relationship between Reprise and The Used was meant to die a short and painless death after a lucrative run, but there will be forever blood on the hands of the conglomerate label. You cigar-toting bigwigs with no semblance of taste know who you are!
Lunacy fringe from us: For the next three LPs listed, we don’t recommend skipping ANY tracks, so read on, loser. The Used’s second album “In Love and Death” is their biggest seller to date, but it’s set in stone in the bronze medal spot here, and could stay a while. If you feel differently, your opinion is wrong. That blunt posit wasn’t hard to say, and moving forward, you need to update yesterday’s feelings with more quality control. Anyway, if you were at a tour date for this record in the fall of 2004 with The Bronx, Head Automatica, and Atreyu opening like we were, you were both on the right side of the bed and history. This frenetic-in-the-best-way album was eventually reissued with an Adam Lambert feature on a My Chemical Romance cover with Bert Bowie, but smart and astute readers like you already knew that.
This one’s a ripper: 2007’s “Lies for the Liars,” The Used’s third studio record and first without current Rancid drummer Branden Steineckert, is a extremely diverse and beyond solid introduction to the band for those who missed the first two LPs for whatever reason and/or were born after Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson. We stand by our 100% factual opinion that this record is their second most underrated just after its follow-up “Artwork,” and hope to find a way for you to feel exactly the same about this non-subjective point of possible but unjustified contention. The record sounds like it utilized the biggest budget allotted to the band over the course of its twenty-plus year career in the best way, as it sounds HUGE AF and so, so lush. The four-piece pulled out all the stops on this one, that’s for sure! Time has been kind to this album as it still holds up like the next-to-be-mentioned AND kills.
A post-9/11 concert trump card was witnessing The Used open for H2O as direct support and Box Car Racer in the headlining slot on their only fully national tour. If we’re being honest, it’s a daring, daring move to have your debut album be a self-titled one, but The Used excels in Word’s bold and italic fonts. This may get us canceled, but so will everything that we say and don’t say: The Used’s 2002 LP known as “The Used” is one of the best debut rock albums to be released this century and that wasn’t meant to be funny. If you have any further questions, you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that.
God, what haven’t I tried?! I was a flying drone guy, a guy whose always working on his truck, a guy whose always talking about buying a boat, I even watched college rugby for a year. None of those hobbies really reflected the hollowness I feel inside at all times.
I grew up in a community with a really thriving hip-hop scene. I struggled to fit in because music and words never interested me. Then I noticed all of the hip-hop people wore shoes and I was like “Hey, I can do that!” Now, everyone calls me “The shoe guy” and I’ve had sex more than once. Life is pretty great.
A significant relationship with another human being. Next Question.
Oh, I have a ton of other interests, I just like wearing expensive kicks as a status symbol. Plus I’m earnestly a huge fan of inflated overhead costs and barbaric child labor.
Vintage. Air. Jordans. I’m just gonna keep repeating that until you go away.
Funny story actually, I used to be obsessed with model trains. One day I asked a store clerk where the trains were, and he thought I said “trainers,” as in sneakers, and I was too shy to correct him, so I now I do this.
Before my sneaker obsession, and you might wanna sit down because you’re not even going to believe this, I was a DJ!
Technically I’m also a father, but I’m non-practicing.
Cocaine. It just wasn’t expensive enough.
Oh, I’m still a lot of other things. I’m an entrepreneur, an obsessive-compulsive, and a stalker.
Playing basketball. I was never very good at it, except for the part where you buy the shoes, so I leaned into that.
Look, I know it’s lame, but this is the least violent way my neurosis can manifest itself so just let me have this.