WASHINGTON — After a settlement barring them from investigating Trump or his family on past tax issues, crestfallen IRS investigators are left with no choice but to try and nail Trump on violations as trivial as rape, underage sex trafficking, and war crimes, sources within the IRS confirm.
“I’m not gonna lie, this is a real blow,” lamented longtime IRS prosecutor Lewis Adredsson to reporters. “A year ago, I thought we were going to take this guy down on the most egregious charge of all, tax evasion, just like we did with Capone! Now, with this settlement, we’ve got nothing to go on but petty nickel and dime stuff – some rape, a little treason, the abuse and trafficking of minors. Maybe all cobbled together, we can get some case going, but honestly, next to tax evasion, it’s thin stuff if you ask me.”
Chen Wei, a legal researcher heavily involved with the previous investigation into Trump’s tax returns, echoed his colleague’s sentiments.
“This is the biggest upset since we failed to nab Charles Manson on his unreported gambling wins from 1967 and had to trump up all that bullshit murder cult nonsense just to get him off the streets. I still can’t believe we got away with that, I mean, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill!”
Federal justice expert Rita Collinsworth shed some light on the situation from the Internal Revenue Service’s point of view.
“Contrary to what a lot of people think, the IRS can use their powerful prosecution teams to investigate any crime they want; they just almost always choose tax evasion because to them, that’s the worst thing. They’re just like, weird guys, is what I’m saying.”
At press time, the president was reportedly on the phone with Putin and Netanyahu, making the case that he was doing a great job and deserved a raise.
