Mike Pence Forced to Drop Out of Presidential Race After Grazing Door Knob Touched By Woman Who is Not His Wife

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

LAS VEGAS — Former Vice President Mike Pence dropped out of the 2024 presidential race Saturday after grazing a door knob previously touched by a young waitress, sources who are men and close to Pence confirmed.

“It is with a heavy heart that I am suspending my campaign for President of the United States of America, effective immediately,” said Pence at the Republican Jewish Coalition’s annual meeting in Las Vegas. “I did not intend on giving this speech this evening. My intention was to stand before you and make the case for my campaign; one centered on the conservative values that have guided my life and my time as a governor of Indiana, as a congressman, and as a vice president. Unfortunately, just before coming up here, my hand gently brushed a door knob that had been touched by a woman who works here; a woman who is not my dear wife, my Mother, my Karen. It is for that reason that I must drop out of this race and seek forgiveness from the good Lord above.”

Pence’s wife, Karen, said she and the former Vice President had made a deal prior to the start of his campaign.

“I told him under no circumstances was he to have any untoward contact with women while on the trail. Mikey agreed that, if he did, he would immediately conclude his campaign and return home to his beloved in Indiana,” said Ms. Pence. “As soon as he touched that door knob, I felt a jolt in my body and I knew what had happened. We made plans to avoid this very type of thing, you know. We hired a nice young man, Samuel, to open doors for Mikey. He must have gotten careless. I think the low poll numbers, lack of any real donors, and enmity of the entire Republican base has really been wearing on him.”

Sarah Towson, the waitress at the Venetian Resort who touched the door knob that concluded Pence’s campaign, was shocked to hear of her impact on the Republican primary.

“I was just trying to do my job,” said Towson. “I definitely wasn’t trying to end the political aspirations of a Christofascist candidate for president. I guess this just shows anyone can make a difference. This has empowered me to touch more doorknobs, use more public restrooms, and generally make religious zealots uncomfortable everywhere I go.”

At press time, Pence was crouched in a corner of Harry Reid International Airport with a 51 ounce bottle of Purell Advanced Hand Sanitizer murmuring to himself “Clean. Clean.”

Classically Trained Actor Reprises Role as “Psycho Clown Zombie #3” At Local Haunted House

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – Classically trained stage actor Douglas McNulty is returning to the role of the chainsaw-wielding “Psycho Clown Zombie #3” in the Historic Ardenwood House of Scares hospital-themed room. 

“I approach ‘Psycho Clown Zombie’ the same way I would Hamlet or Richard III, not that I’ve ever been fortunate enough to play those roles,” laughed Douglas, stretching his back while thumbing through Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting. “Every day is a school day, another chance to develop my craft, hone my voice. Who is this Psycho Clown Zombie? Where is the pain located in his body? Sure, I’m severely in debt, but my degree from NYU Tisch was worth it for every night that I stand on that bale of hay and swing a plastic chainsaw at strangers. No one else captures the twisted lunacy of ‘Psycho Clown Zombie’ like I can. I wonder if we’ll get a review!”

Frustrated attendees confirmed McNulty’s commitment. 

“We bring the kids every year, and frankly we try to skip the hospital section because that one zombie clown just gets out of hand,” complained real estate agent and mother of four Deborah Kenney. “It also doesn’t make very much sense – he has a chainsaw, in a hospital, and he’s a clown zombie? Everything is way over-enunciated, the movement is way too abstract. It’s basically bad performance art. This is a haunted house for kids, it doesn’t need to be an artistic struggle of the soul. It’s pretentious, ya know? Seeing him warm up in the parking lot, doing neck stretches or making weird shouting noises. This haunted house is constructed in front of a Chili’s and a Staples, maybe just warmup at home.”

Sandy Berkshire, retired teacher and volunteer director of the annual haunted house, voiced concern with Douglas before over his enthusiasm for the role. 

“I’ve told him: this isn’t Lincoln Center of the Performing Arts, Dougie. It’s a haunted house, plus we’re gathering money for a public park. He’s out here trying to win a Tony,” Sandy opined during hay-maze construction. “We love Doug. We have him every year. Hell, I taught him, but I’ve talked to him about this before. The only time I ever get complaints is when he starts visiting hospitals in character, dressing up like a psycho clown zombie doctor. That might be fine in our show, but that’s not acceptable out there in the real world. He’s not a doctor! He didn’t go to medical school. This place doesn’t call for someone like Davey Dan-Lewis or what have you, ya know, the tall fella who played George Washington in the movie about his left foot, I can’t remember the title.”

At press time, McNulty was seen preparing for his upcoming role as a corpse in a Civil War reenactment. 



Type O Negative Albums Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Subcultures tend to take themselves way too goddamn seriously. That’s why Type O Negative’s sarcastic take on gothic metal was and is so vital. The quartet—bassist, vocalist, and primary creative force Peter Steele; guitarist Kenny Hickey; keyboardist John Silver; and drummer Johnny Kelly—are best known for two things: the band’s often goofy take on goth metal, and Steele’s ironic humor delivered through black porcelain vocals. The band’s biting satire was often mistaken for honest expression; thus, while “I’m proud not to be PC” works as a (joking?) thesis statement, they understood absurdity and how to wield it. Unfortunately, Type O Negative only released seven albums, with Steele’s death in 2010 cutting the band’s career short. Life is short, so let’s explore the darkness while we can. Happy Halloween.

7. The Origin of the Feces (1992)

Type O’s sophomore effort is their most tongue-in-cheek record. “The Origin of the Feces” is a fake live album, complete with canned applause and Steele’s between-song banter to no one. The majority of its material is re-recorded, renamed, and rearranged songs from “Slow, Deep and Hard” (see below)—which is to say, inferior versions. The one improvement “The Origin” has over its predecessor is the musicianship, especially original drummer Sal Abruscato’s playing. It’s the heaviest Type O ever got, coming much closer to the thrash of Carnivore (Steele’s previous band), with uneven results. In this way, the record is best viewed through a what-if lens. “The Origin” ends with crickets chirping—a nice touch—which is entirely fitting: this mostly entertaining record lands with little impact relative to the others in the band’s catalog. Even if the joke is the substandard and recycled quality, it’s still substandard and recycled all the same.

Play it again: “Hey Pete” and the bonus track “Paranoid” (not a great sign that the covers are the go-to songs)
Skip it: “Kill You Tonight,” because the reprise is better

6. World Coming Down (1999)

“World Coming Down” is (mostly) a return to goth metal following “October Rust” (see below), and is the only of the band’s albums with genuine emotion. Steele suffered some tough losses in his life between “October” and “World,” so naturally he wrote about death: “Everyone I love is dead / Goddammit!” This is their heaviest record lyrically, with self-loathing and addiction being throughlines. To match the weighty subject matter and haunting melodies, Steele and Silver coat the record in a thick comatose haze, especially Hickey’s excellent playing. “World” would be ranked higher had they not decided to include (and end!) the record with a sarcastically fun but glaringly inappropriate Beatles medley. It’s more out of place than Lauren Boebert at a Mensa gathering. That’s the band’s only real fault: a pathological need to shoehorn a joke into everything.

Play it again: “Everyone I Love Is Dead” and “Creepy Green Light”
Skip it: “Day Tripper (Medley),” which shoulda been a B-side

5. Life Is Killing Me (2003)

Type O’s penultimate record finds them facetiously playing with arena goth rock. “Life Is Killing Me” is the band’s overtly mainstream album, filled with earworm choruses, satisfying melodies, neat riffing, and soaring leads. It’s the sort of crass commercialism that Disney can get behind. Meanwhile, Steele’s sense of irony has fully returned following “World,” as he pairs big dumb rock songs with gleefully resentful lyricism: “Even though I still miss your lips / You’re about as real as your tits.” Steels also takes time to explore some Weird Al-esque silliness: “Appointment made, waited three hours / Did not realize you had such power / I’d rather see a mortician.” The takeaway, though, is this: “Life is” is the best display of the band’s superb pop songwriting.

Play it again: “I Don’t Wanna Be Me” and “(We Were) Electrocute”
Skip it: “IYDKMIGTHTKY (Gimme That)”

4. Dead Again (2007)

Their seventh and final album is a sample platter of their career up to this point, which—thanks to Steele’s untimely death—turned out to be the entirety of it. “Dead Again” has the thrashy riffage of “The Origin,” the goth metal of “Slow,” the beautifully melodic balladeering of “October,” and the arena rock ambitions of “Life Is,” with many of its songs employing some combination of those. As such, it’s the most logical entry point into their catalog. (In other words, start here if you’re lazy.) Being the band’s heaviest record since “The Origin,” it’s also a helluva lotta fun. While the lyrics feature multiple winks at the end (“I can’t believe I died last night / I’m fucking dead again”), the spritely music suggests a rejuvenation: Hickey never played with more purpose, while Steele overacts vocally throughout the record, chewing scenery at every opportunity. “Dead” isn’t their most consistent work, but it’s a strong note to (unintentionally) end on.

Play it again: the title track, “The Profit of Doom,” and “Halloween in Heaven”
Skip it: “These Three Things,” a bit too self-indulgent and too self-serious

3. October Rust (1996)

As the title hints at, Type O’s fourth full-length is their bleakest. It’s also their most poetic. Steele’s sarcastically touching writing suggests decay is everywhere he looks: nature (“Winter’s breath of filthy snow / Befrosted paths to the unknown”), love (“All of the flowers I gave her / She burned them”), and Christmas (“The stockings are hung, but who cares? / Preserved for those no longer there”). He didn’t discard his biting wit, however. Here he is discussing a threesome: “They keep me warm on cold nights / We must be quite a sight / In our meat triangle.” Musically, “October Rust” is the band’s gentlest offering, composed largely of goth rock ballads with lovely melodies and pillowy arrangements. It’s their prettiest, and least metal, album for sure. The band’s debut (see below) ended with the line “Suicide is self-expression,” and “October” provides the soundtrack for it: perfect-temperature bathwater to lay in and open a vein.

Play it again: “Red Water (Christmas Mourning)” and “My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend”
Skip it: “Haunted,” a bit too self-indulgent for its own good (Might be a pattern here…)

2. Slow, Deep and Hard (1991)

Type O Negative came out fully formed and didn’t do any of that hand-holding shit on their debut LP. This is the band’s satire at its blackest—topics include racial hatred, the angry ex-boyfriend hurling misogynistic invective, and suicide being a kind of art—and features Steele’s career-best biting, sarcastic delivery. His exaggerated performance allows him to sell the album’s best joke, ending “Slow” with the lines “You think I’m insane, but I have no regrets / One more time won’t matter, no question / Suicide is self-expression.” Musically, “Slow, Deep and Hard” contains genuine hooks here, as well as several cool riffs, but Steele’s compositional skills weren’t fully developed yet. That’s OK, though, because “Slow” is still an excellent first effort. To wit: some of this material is so strong, the band would reuse it for their follow-up.

Play it again: “Unsuccessfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity”
Skip it: “Glass Walls of Limbo”

1. Bloody Kisses (1993)

Type O’s third and best album is both a classic of gothic metal and its best parody. Steele’s writing and singing is so tongue-in-cheek that there musta been a hole in his face after recording. His smug-drenched condescension, combined with the band expertly providing space for him to perform, is a thing of beauty. “Bloody Kisses” is a CD-capacity sarcastic song cycle, and also probably the funniest gothic metal record ever. The song lengths and the overlong fadeouts seem sarcastic. Even the sarcasm feels sarcastic. So when Steele sneers, “We don’t care what you think,” it’s both a fuck-you to any criticism of goths and to goths themselves. His succinct crotch kick to the absurdity of fake identity posturing within and without goth culture—“You wanna go out ’cause it’s raining and blowing / You can’t go out ’cause your roots are showing”—remains incisive, funny, and relevant 30 years later.

Play it again: “Black No. 1 (Little Miss Scare-All)” and “We Hate Everyone”
Skip it: “Blood & Fire” and “Can’t Lose You”

25 Great Joyce Manor Songs That I Absolutely Won’t Be Stage Diving To

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

In 2014, Barry Johnson, lead singer of Joyce Manor, asked fans to stop stage diving at their shows. Johnson was sick of seeing (mostly) larger hardcore dudes crushing (mostly) smaller, younger women and had seen enough people get hurt to begin calling out stage divers. He wasn’t the first to discourage this type of behavior at shows (Fugazi would occasionally bring moshers on stage to apologize to the crowd) but Joyce Manor’s stance ignited a whole precious punk controversy with one side arguing “[caveman voice] Me want stage dive” and the other saying, “I just want to see my favorite band and not get hurt by a guy stage diving feet first into my head and neck.”

Anyway, here are 25 great Joyce Manor songs, in no particular order, that I absolutely won’t be stage diving to.

25. “Christmas Card”

The opening track of Never Hungover Again and a certifiable bop, “Christmas Card” reminds me of the holiday season and Santa Claus. If there is one person who hates stage diving more than Barry Johnson, it’s Santa. If he catches you stage diving (and he will), you’ll be permanently added to the naughty list and never get that Jeff Rosenstock record you wanted.

24. “Constant Headache”

If you know a Joyce Manor song, it’s probably this one. The verse and the chorus of “Constant Headache” use the same three chords. This simplicity makes for a great song and also allows Barry to dedicate more cognitive capacity to scanning the crowd for potential stage dive bogeys. No way I’m going to stage dive when I know the singer of the band is watching extra closely. I don’t want to get yelled at.

23. “NBTSA”

A lot of people think the second song off Joyce Manor’s most recent record, 40 oz. to Fresno, stands for “Never Be The Same Again.” You’re wrong though. It stands for “Never Be The Stage Diving Asshole.” Fine. I won’t.

22. “Big Lie”

“Big Lie” is a very good song off 2018’s Million Dollars to Kill Me. It’s so good that when I listen to it I forget to breathe. How am I supposed to summon the will to stage dive if my brain and respiratory system aren’t even communicating with one another? I should probably see a doctor.

21. “Beach Community”

I’m sorry but I might actually have to stage dive to this one. Ban me from all future shows if you have to.

20. “Catalina Fight Song”

The penultimate track on Never Hungover Again, “Catalina Fight Song” begins with the lyrics, “Suckin’ titties by the ocean.” Wait…it doesn’t? The lyrics are actually “sunken city by the ocean”? Fuck. I was so confused that I forgot to stage dive. Oops.

19. “If I Needed You There”

I’m sorry but I might actually have to stage dive to this one too. Who could possibly stop me?

18. “Do You Really Want To Not Get Better?”

This song is too short and it sounds like it’s about something sad. For those reasons, I will be refraining from stage diving. Thank you.

17. “Chumped”

This track, originally off an early demo and then rereleased on Songs From Northern Torrance, fucking rips. That being said, on my “salty, stoned nights,” I’ll be at home diving into a bag of Trader Joe’s Almonds, Chocolate, and Cashews Trail Mix instead of diving into a crowd at a Joyce Manor show.

16. “The Jerk”

You might think this song off Never Hungover Again is referencing the 1979 Steve Martin movie, The Jerk. But what if you, dear stage diver, were the Jerk being referenced all along? Hmmm? Bet you never thought of it that way.

15. “Last You Heard of Me”

In this very good song off Cody, the narrator is at a karaoke bar. The last time I was at a karaoke bar I drank too much, sang “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” got kicked out for trying to stage dive off a small table, and was arrested for public urination. Hearing this song brings to mind painful memories of that night so I can’t stage dive to it.

14. “Friends We Met Online”

I spent A LOT of time on r/emo in 2014 fighting over whether or not Joyce Manor’s stage diving stance was “punk” or “not punk.” Some of these Redditors became good internet friends and some became worse internet enemies. In honor of these friendships and rivalries, and in the spirit of a stage diving “third way,” I will be neither stage diving nor not stage diving to this song.

13. “Fake I.D.”

The lead track off 2016’s Cody, “Fake I.D.” might also be one of the best songs on this album (and it’s a really good album). Unfortunately, the lyrics in this song assert that Kanye West is “great,” “the best,” “better than John Steinbeck,” and also “better than Phil Hartman.” Since this song was written, Mr. West has said a lot of bad things. Bad, bad things. I wouldn’t stage dive to this song because it’d feel weird and bad. Also, according to Setlist.fm, it doesn’t seem like Joyce Manor plays this song anymore and that’s probably because of all the bad things.

Maybe Ye will redeem himself sometime in the future and I can not stage dive to this song for my usual reason: fear of being humiliated by Barry Johnson.

12. “Leather Jacket”

Another classic Joyce Manor song from their 2013 self-titled album, “Leather Jacket” details how the titular item of clothing changed a person and then a relationship. I bought a leather jacket once because I thought I could pull it off. My co-workers at Dick’s Sporting Goods laughed at me and I was humiliated. Stage diving to this song would force me to relive the sting of that degradation so I’ll just hang out in the back and scream the lyrics with everyone else.

11. “Call Out”

It’s right in the title. If you stage dive, you’re going to get called out by Barry. I don’t want that to happen to me.

10. “I’m Always Tired”

A recent study from Oxford University found that the number one reason stage divers don’t stage dive is sleepiness. It’s a real study and definitely not made up. The narrator of “I’m Always Tired” off Joyce Manor’s sophomore release, Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired, might not be referring to stage diving but he could be!

9. “Think I’m Still In Love With You”

I don’t stage dive to this song because I pogo to this song.

8. “You’re Not Famous Anymore”

This track reminds me too much of my past life as a child actor: the long days on set, the pain of lost childhood, being thrown into an inconsolable rage because someone put the wrong type of M&M’s in my dressing room. The weight of it all bears down on me so heavily I can barely move, never mind stage dive. Good song though.

7. “Orange Julius”

When I was five my mom took me to Orange Julius and then we went to the park. While on the merry-go-round, I puked it all up. Now whenever I even think of Orange Julius, I puke. If I’m at a Joyce Manor show, I need to put my fingers in my ears when they play this song otherwise I’ll get sick on everyone in my immediate vicinity. So yeah…no stage diving.

6. “Eighteen”

In the state in which I reside, it is illegal to stage dive if you’re over 18. State Code 17432.1, Section B reads: “No person over the age of 18 shall stage dive at public events where live music is being played. Those in violation of this law shall face penalties not to exceed $200.” It’s a real law and definitely not made up.

Normally, I’m all like “Fuck the government and authority bro. I’m going to stage dive if I want.” However, this song makes me very self-conscious and nervous that I’m going to get a ticket. I can’t afford a $200 stage dive ticket right now because all my liquid assets are tied up in NFTs.

5. “House Warning Party”

This song has an acoustic guitar in it and no one has ever stage dived to a song with an acoustic guitar in it. That’s just a fact. Maybe you can be the first?

4. “Heart Tattoo”

Let’s entertain a few purely hypothetical questions that have no relation to my lived experience AT ALL:

When you were young and dumb, did you ever get a tattoo for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Was it a heart tattoo with a ribbon bearing their name?
Did you get it after only one date at the Cheesecake Factory?
When they saw what you had done, did they immediately break up with you?

I bet if you answered “yes” to all those questions, it might be hard to stage dive to this song. I definitely wouldn’t know though because none of those things has ever happened to me.

3. “See How Tame I Can Be?”

I can be a tame, good boy. I can nicely listen to the band play and not have a sudden urge to push my body through tens of strangers in an effort to climb onto a stage and jump on those very same strangers. I can be nice and not cause too much trouble.

2. “Silly Games”

Dude, there is no way I’m pitting or stage diving to a song with a glockenspiel in it. I’ve got a rep (as an insufferable and obnoxious person) to protect!

1. “Constant Nothing”

This version of “Constant Nothing,” from Songs From Northern Torrance, was originally on the Constant Headache EP and then re-recorded for S/T. When Joyce Manor plays this song, it would make sense that they’re playing the re-recorded version, right? If so, it would be impossible to stage dive to the original “Constant Nothing.” Really makes you think.

Photo by Karen Seifert.

13 Couples Costumes To Show off the Strange Power Dynamic in Your Relationship

Posted on by Malia Simon

For most of the year with the exception of one special day, you and your partner’s upsetting sexual kink remains a mystery to the onlooking world. That’s right—we’re talking about Halloween, the one day you and your lover finally get to announce to strangers which one of you respects the other more, and how much that turns you on. Here are 13 couples costumes that will—-if there was any doubt before—make the imbalance of power in your relationship crystal clear.

Teacher and StudentWith this statutory classic, you and your partner take a flirty spin on student-teacher affairs and hint that while you are both of age, that is a mere coincidence in this relationship.

Hefner and Playboy BunnyNothing says “I know exactly how much mayonnaise he takes on his sandwich” like a pair of hot pink bunny ears. This adorable sex boss and sex object costume will show party-goers that he has a very high opinion of himself, and that your relationship is predicated on both of you maintaining that fantasy.

Doctor and Nurse

This sexy career ensemble will show everyone that one of you gets paid more even in your pretend jobs! As an added bonus, he gets to hold a clipboard while you get to hold your pain and resentment deep inside until it bubbles over one day years later and he acts totally blindsided to it.

Cruella and DalmatianIt’s not always the man who holds a weird and sexually charged position of power! The power dynamic in this relationship is slightly different, in case anybody was wondering. Dress him up in a dog collar that you totally owned prior to Halloween, and hint with an egregious lack of subtlety that he has a thing for mean ladies and being called a loser.

Stanley Cup and Hockey PlayerNothing illuminates mutual respect like dressing up as an inanimate object that rests motionless on his shoulder.

Boo and SullyNow we’re talking—you get to live out your dream of dressing up like an adult baby and pretend this was a last-minute choice.

Superman and Lois LaneDress up as Superman and his girl-next-door sidekick and announce to the world: “I am here strictly for the purpose of his character development. Also, he made me watch this movie six times.”

Barbie and KenThis one is for the boyfriends that were introduced to feminism against their will this year and now somehow know how to take a Boomerang.

MGK and Megan FoxHonestly, we are not even sure if one of you holds the power here or if neither of you is free from the shackles of this relationship. Either way, dressing up as this sexy duo will show everyone that you two are “twin flames,” and also that you are both off your medication.

Preist and NunInstead of trying to reinvent the wheel, why not go with the power imbalances inherent to the church? Women cannot ascend the higher ranks of the church, nor can they assert any real influence on this particular partnership.

Artist and Landscape PaintingSomebody thought this was a good idea, and we have a feeling it was not the person wearing a pillowcase with a face hole.

Adult HandcuffsWhy not just an on-the-nose depiction of how you feel about being with each other?

“She’s My Trick, He’s My Treat”

These matching Halloween tees will show your party-going friends that although neither of you could think of a real costume this year, you still found it absolutely necessary to emphasize the stifling degree of possessiveness between you.

Guy Not Actually Wearing GG Allin Costume, Just Having Really, Really Rough Halloween

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

GLENDALE, Calif. — A local man who was at first believed to be dressed in an impeccable GG Allin costume was later revealed to simply be having an especially ill-fated and unlucky Halloween night, astonished sources holding their noses confirmed.

“They think I’m wearing a costume? I didn’t even get a chance to put mine on! I was beaten senseless on my commute home from work, dragged into the bushes, shaved from head to toe, smeared with excrement, which I’m pretty sure somehow is my own?” sputtered a beleaguered Huckle Kirkland, slurring his words due to having his teeth knocked out. “Then, I came to in the middle of running from the police while wearing nothing but a heavily, and I mean HEAVILY, used jockstrap. I was supposed to be dressed as Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit.’ Now dogs only come near me because I smell like old beef stew.”

Acquaintances of Kirkland reportedly did not know that he had no intention of dressing like the deceased rock provocateur.

“I mean, I was floored by the attention to detail that went into that GG get-up. We’re talking down to the smell! He kept screaming ‘My life is fucked! My life is soooooo extremely fucked!’ and we were all just applauding his commitment and authenticity. It was like watching ‘Hated’ all over again!” said neighbor Claudette Jerricault, who attended a party Kirkland stumbled into in a daze. “Not sure what he meant when he continued ‘I have to work a shift at the bank tomorrow, my boss is gonna be so pissed’ but that was the thing about GG, y’know? You never knew what he was going to do next.”

Representatives from the Allin family trust are apparently less enthusiastic about the perceived costume, and are threatening legal action.

“All we’re saying is, we wish Mr. Kirkland would have worn one of our officially licensed GG Allin costumes that we started offering in our online store this year. GG may have been the god’s vessel for pure rock ‘n roll, but make no mistake: there’s nothing punk rock about copyright infringement,” said Rutherford Hamilton Allin, distant cousin of GG, from his Burbank penthouse. “But, sadly, it doesn’t stop there. We’re losing so much money competing with the cheap Spirit Halloween store ‘Scumfuc Gross Man Singer’ knock-off versions that have been flying off their shelves. I know my cousin was primarily known for his other bodily fluids, but this would have certainly brought a sorrowful tear to his eye.”

As the night came to a close, the other partygoers ​​started to realize it wasn’t a GG Allin costume when they accidentally saw Kirkland’s penis and it was not absurdly tiny.

Movie Monster Wishes It Was Metaphor For “Being Super Rich And Sexy” Instead Of “Grief”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

ADELAIDE, Australia — Iconic movie monster the Babadook was recently seen chain-smoking in a Hungry Jack’s parking lot after learning it was a metaphor for “grief” and not “manic sexy trillionaire awesomeness” like it had hoped, entertainment sources reported.

“I’ve got badass claws, a cool top hat and scuttle around ceilings like a weird bug, and apparently, somehow that means ‘grief,’” said the Babadook. “My calling card is a spooky pop-up book and I wear old-timey clothes, so I assumed I was the ghost of a big-dick publishing magnate from the 1850s. But no, I guess I represent trauma, which just doesn’t feel right. I eat gross worms. When I want to scare someone I fly around and yell my name over and over in a creepy low voice. Why would a monster as fun and cool as I am represent something so depressing? I repeat; I’m wearing a top hat!”

Director and screenwriter Jennifer Kent said that despite the film’s 2014 release, she only recently told the Babadook what it represented. 

“He was just having so much fun, being a gay icon and all that, and I didn’t want to ruin it,” Kent said. “We’d be on set filming and it would say stuff like ‘wow, it’s so great that you wrote a movie about a monster who likes to party and can afford cool clothes.’ I mean, frankly, I just couldn’t bear to say ‘actually, you are a metaphor for how the single-mother protagonist’s trauma manifests as an unspoken resentment towards her son.’ But I had to rip off the band-aid, it’s been a decade after all. Now I’m paying for it and the Babadook won’t return any of my calls.”

The Thing from the eponymous 1982 John Carpenter flick has experienced this kind of disappointment before.

“Babadook called me sounding pretty upset, and I said ‘dude, I’ve been there.’ It took me until 1989 to realize I represented how easily rational people can turn on each other,” reported The Thing. “It’s hard; one moment you’re a guy whose stomach turns into a big mouth, only to be the subject of an overwritten college film studies essay the next. It’s not fun to hear, but, like I tell my husband, Tobey, you can’t let your screenwriter’s themes define you. I can still grow eyestalks and crab legs out of a guy’s head, or combine a bunch of dogs into a bloody pile of writhing flesh whenever I want, and that makes me happy.”

At press tiem, The Thing and The Babadook have launched a self-help podcast for “kick-ass movie monsters who are more than their metaphors.”



This Day In Music History October 29th

Posted on by Tim Graham

If you don’t know your music history you are doomed to repeat your music history. Here are all the key events that happened on this day October 29th.

1846: Youth Arrested For Piracy After Transcribing Sheet Music Of Popular Song

“Transcription is killing the music industry,” said an indignant music publisher. “You wouldn’t transcribe a horse-drawn carriage, would you?”

 

1980: Alvin and The Chipmunks Abruptly End Punk Phase

The short-lived departure from the novelty band’s pop style drew to a close when fourth Chipmunk “Scuz” died from an overdose while on tour in Stockholm.

 

1983: Slash Adopts His Iconic Nickname

Future Guns N’ Roses guitarist Saul Hudson filled a notebook with possible stage names including Slit, Gash and Slice before finally arriving at his now-famous sobriquet.

 

1989: Jandek Dropped From Major Label Hours After Being Signed

The reclusive musician was immediately let go after an initial meeting during which his only contribution was a long, graphic story about watching two stray dogs copulate on his lawn.

 

1991: Carcass Frontman Performs Appendectomy On Self

“Looks like studying all those medical textbooks for lyrical inspiration ended up saving my life,” said Jeff Walker, who had fallen ill during a solo hike.

 

1994: Mayhem Post Ad Seeking New Guitarist

The ad, which assured prospective members there had been no murders or suicides within the band for nearly a year, asked that applicants have “pro gear and be drama-free.”

 

1997: Embarrassed Man Shows Up to Barenaked Ladies Concert With Pockets Full of Dollar Bills

“I thought it was a different kind of show,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I stuck around till the end thinking maybe they were just openers for some actual naked ladies, but no dice.”

 

1998: Labels Pressure Bands to Come Up With Songs Similar to Semisonic’s Hit “Closing Time”

“Why not a song about opening up a 7-11 in the morning?” suggested a Geffen Records executive. “Or how about a catchy number about the Spanish siesta, where they close for a little while in the afternoon and then open back up again?”

2002: Frank Black and The Catholics Transfer Problematic Drummer To Another Band

The ex-Pixies frontman was accused of taking a page from the Boston Archdiocese when it came to dealing with “bad apples” within his organization.

 

2011: Lou Reed Blames Recording of “Lulu” on Brief Period of Sobriety

“I was out of my mind sober when we made that fuckin’ record” said Reed. “I just hope I live long enough to record another album all fucked up like usual so I can redeem myself.”

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Make Our Spotify Wrapped Look Cooler This Year

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

There is nothing scarier than having bad taste in music. This is why your friends faint and go into convulsions every time you’re in charge of the aux cord. You’ve probably been thinking that they were just so excited to hear ‘Dopesmoker’ for the hundredth time that their nervous systems just couldn’t handle the rush of serotonin and dopamine, but you’ve never been known for your pattern recognition skills. Because we hate to see your friends writhe on the floor of your house as you alert them to every ‘sick drum fill’ that’s coming up, we’ve compiled a list of some newer tracks to try. It’s imperative that you do it for the sake of all involved.

Green Day “The American Dream Is Killing Me”

Green Day announced their 14th studio album “Saviors”, their first since 2020’s failed pop-rock experiment “Father of All Motherfuckers.” The new record finds the band working with producer Rob Cavallo for the first time since 2012 and hopes to harken back to previous stylings of the group’s signature sound. Lead single, “The American Dream Is Killing Me,” refreshingly sounds like it was plucked from the B-Sides of an early aughts session before everything started going terribly wrong for all of us.

Ghoul Lewis & The Boos “Gravedigger’s Ball”

Halloween is just around the corner, and if you’re trying to wrap up a playlist that will really carry your depressing Tuesday Night Halloween party all the way through until 9 p.m. when everyone remembers they have to work the next day, look no further than Nova Scotia’s most depraved video store employee Ghoul Lewis. Backed by a macabre band of various spooky musicians known simply as ‘The Boos,’ Lewis is making party jams for the undead, and you’re invited. “Gravedigger’s Ball” is a haunted blast that will surely get your shindig going hard until maybe even 9:30 p.m.

Teenage Halloween “Getting Bitter”

New Jersey’s Teenage Halloween have been making a steadily larger name for themselves since their eponymous debut album was released in 2020. Their second LP, “Till You Return,” dropped last week and carries on the band’s penchant for intense vulnerability wrapped in short and extremely satisfying power-punk compositions. Album standout “Getting Bitter” details a plea to a subject who has lost sight of themselves. Its earnest and brutally honest pieces of advice are delivered in an incredibly cathartic sing-along chorus, which brings to mind an old adage that says “when your friend is starting to become an asshole, just write an extremely catchy song about them and hope it works out.”

Private Mind “Disconnect”

Long Island’s Private Mind just released their second EP “The Truth You See” and it is a near-perfect start-to-finish firestarter of a release. Notable highlight ‘Disconnect’ packs nearly every facet of the past decade of melodic hardcore into a highly digestible bite-sized three-minute barnburner. By the time the breakdown hits, you’ll be begging for seconds and possibly even thirds. For fans of ‘90’s inspired album art and ignorantly saying there hasn’t been a good hardcore band since 2003.

Glitterer “Plastic”

Title Fight will likely never get back together no matter how often you bitch about them on the internet. Fortunately Ned Russin’s solo-project-turned-full-band Glitterer is releasing a new album, “Rationale.” While Russin recorded nearly all of the instrumentation on Glitterer’s previous releases, building songs atop loops and synth grooved, he has now welcomed three full time band members into the fold. The resulting lead single “Plastic” brings a ferocity not previously heard in his work. It’s a chugging and heavy sound that will hopefully get insufferable thirty-somethings across the world to shut the fuck up about a Title Fight reunion for at least a little bit.

Sunn O))) “Evil Chuck”

Just in time to soundtrack your poor excuse for a ‘haunted house,’ Sunn O))) has dropped two new tracks. ‘Evil Chuck’ and ‘Ron G. Warrior.’ We’d put both on the playlist, but you kind of get the picture with just the one. Released as part of Sub Pop’s long running and revered ‘Singles Series,’ both tracks are practically preview-length versions of their typically interminable ambient drones. To celebrate the release, one of our writers came to work in a black robe, set a bass down on the floor, plucked all the strings at once and let it feedback for eight hours straight while live-streaming the entire event in the hopes of becoming the newest member of Sunn O))). Though we haven’t seen him since, we’re pretty sure it didn’t work.

Home Front “Jupiter”

Canada’s Home Front recently put out one of our staff’s favorite albums of the year so far. It’s not hard to understand why. Their sprawling style runs the gamut of synthpop, industrial, dance punk, and despite all odds, a little bit of hardcore to boot. Simply put, their debut album ‘Games of Power’ has something for nearly everyone. To say we were thrilled to learn that the group had released two new tracks – as well as a remix of ‘Games of Power’ standout, ‘Nation’ – would be an understatement. If you’re new to the band, which of course you are, you tasteless nerd, “Jupiter” is an excellent place to start. Its brooding arrangement neatly packages every aspect of the group’s chaotic leanings into the perfect primer.

Jhariah/Pinkshift “Eat Your Friends”

The future is here and it’s Jhariah. The Brooklyn-based artist has been championing and pushing the boundaries of theatrical emo-core since their first single dropped in 2017. The sound is pretty hard to place, blurring lines between early aughts emo legends like My Chemical Romance and nu-metal influences such as System of a Down. Their latest single “Eat Your Friends’ tags in fellow wall-breaking contemporaries Pinkshift (who are also the future) for a dramatic and chaotic arrangement that never ceases to let up in its intensity. The lyrics take aim at the highly competitive nature of the music industry, while the track’s driving Blood Brothers-esque vocals and dizzying guitars seem intent on destroying it altogether. Kind of like what you thought your failed hyperpop project was doing before you gave it up entirely.

Did you know that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that there are like… a fuckton of other songs on it too? Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

We Asked Billy Corgan to Rank These Pumpkin Flavored Drinks and He Told Us to Go Fuck Ourselves

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

With October nearly in the books, we decided to take a look at some of the newer variety of pumpkin flavored beverages offered up this autumn. And we thought it’d be fun to do it with the most famous pumpkin of them all, Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins.

Or so we thought.

When we surprised Corgan with our taste test at the start of the interview he just got really quiet and made a face. He chuckled and asked if this was a prank. Far from it, we told him, we thought our readers would get a kick out of it.

He told us to go fuck ourselves.

We know as well as anyone that Corgan can be a bit of a curmudgeon, but we thought he had a little bit of a sense of humor. He was on “The Simpsons” after all. But, no, we were wrong in that assumption as his frequent eye-rolling and head shaking are an indication that he’s preparing to scald us with some of the piping hot pumpkin flavored drinks we presented to him.

Also he’s still here.

He said we booked him for three hours to do this profile and he’s not leaving until it’s done. He’s just sitting there, drinking the pumpkin flavored tea we wanted him to rate. When we asked him how he liked it he gave us the finger and went back to looking at pictures of his cat on his phone.

He’s actually been drinking a lot of the pumpkin stuff we have out. He said if he’s going to be stuck here all afternoon, he’s going to need to get something in his system. We pointed out that he was halfway there with our original idea, but he told us it was the principle of not “playing our stupid fucking game” as he put it.

He mentioned the Faygo Pumpkin Soda tasted like shit, but he said if we printed that he’d have his lawyers tear us a new asshole. Telling him to relax a bit didn’t go well. He got really in one of our intern’s face, screaming something about integrity. When we asked him to sit down, he threw a chair across the room and just stood there with his arms crossed and stared at the floor for a weirdly long amount of time. It got really uncomfortable.

Hopefully the surprise appearance from Stephen Malkmus will lighten things up a little.