GLENDALE, Calif. — A local man who was at first believed to be dressed in an impeccable GG Allin costume was later revealed to simply be having an especially ill-fated and unlucky Halloween night, astonished sources holding their noses confirmed.
“They think I’m wearing a costume? I didn’t even get a chance to put mine on! I was beaten senseless on my commute home from work, dragged into the bushes, shaved from head to toe, smeared with excrement, which I’m pretty sure somehow is my own?” sputtered a beleaguered Huckle Kirkland, slurring his words due to having his teeth knocked out. “Then, I came to in the middle of running from the police while wearing nothing but a heavily, and I mean HEAVILY, used jockstrap. I was supposed to be dressed as Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit.’ Now dogs only come near me because I smell like old beef stew.”
Acquaintances of Kirkland reportedly did not know that he had no intention of dressing like the deceased rock provocateur.
“I mean, I was floored by the attention to detail that went into that GG get-up. We’re talking down to the smell! He kept screaming ‘My life is fucked! My life is soooooo extremely fucked!’ and we were all just applauding his commitment and authenticity. It was like watching ‘Hated’ all over again!” said neighbor Claudette Jerricault, who attended a party Kirkland stumbled into in a daze. “Not sure what he meant when he continued ‘I have to work a shift at the bank tomorrow, my boss is gonna be so pissed’ but that was the thing about GG, y’know? You never knew what he was going to do next.”
Representatives from the Allin family trust are apparently less enthusiastic about the perceived costume, and are threatening legal action.
“All we’re saying is, we wish Mr. Kirkland would have worn one of our officially licensed GG Allin costumes that we started offering in our online store this year. GG may have been the god’s vessel for pure rock ‘n roll, but make no mistake: there’s nothing punk rock about copyright infringement,” said Rutherford Hamilton Allin, distant cousin of GG, from his Burbank penthouse. “But, sadly, it doesn’t stop there. We’re losing so much money competing with the cheap Spirit Halloween store ‘Scumfuc Gross Man Singer’ knock-off versions that have been flying off their shelves. I know my cousin was primarily known for his other bodily fluids, but this would have certainly brought a sorrowful tear to his eye.”
As the night came to a close, the other partygoers started to realize it wasn’t a GG Allin costume when they accidentally saw Kirkland’s penis and it was not absurdly tiny.