LAS VEGAS — Former Vice President Mike Pence dropped out of the 2024 presidential race Saturday after grazing a door knob previously touched by a young waitress, sources who are men and close to Pence confirmed.
“It is with a heavy heart that I am suspending my campaign for President of the United States of America, effective immediately,” said Pence at the Republican Jewish Coalition’s annual meeting in Las Vegas. “I did not intend on giving this speech this evening. My intention was to stand before you and make the case for my campaign; one centered on the conservative values that have guided my life and my time as a governor of Indiana, as a congressman, and as a vice president. Unfortunately, just before coming up here, my hand gently brushed a door knob that had been touched by a woman who works here; a woman who is not my dear wife, my Mother, my Karen. It is for that reason that I must drop out of this race and seek forgiveness from the good Lord above.”
Pence’s wife, Karen, said she and the former Vice President had made a deal prior to the start of his campaign.
“I told him under no circumstances was he to have any untoward contact with women while on the trail. Mikey agreed that, if he did, he would immediately conclude his campaign and return home to his beloved in Indiana,” said Ms. Pence. “As soon as he touched that door knob, I felt a jolt in my body and I knew what had happened. We made plans to avoid this very type of thing, you know. We hired a nice young man, Samuel, to open doors for Mikey. He must have gotten careless. I think the low poll numbers, lack of any real donors, and enmity of the entire Republican base has really been wearing on him.”
Sarah Towson, the waitress at the Venetian Resort who touched the door knob that concluded Pence’s campaign, was shocked to hear of her impact on the Republican primary.
“I was just trying to do my job,” said Towson. “I definitely wasn’t trying to end the political aspirations of a Christofascist candidate for president. I guess this just shows anyone can make a difference. This has empowered me to touch more doorknobs, use more public restrooms, and generally make religious zealots uncomfortable everywhere I go.”
At press time, Pence was crouched in a corner of Harry Reid International Airport with a 51 ounce bottle of Purell Advanced Hand Sanitizer murmuring to himself “Clean. Clean.”