Seven Different Black Metal Bands Claim Responsibility for Church Fire Caused by Faulty Wiring

Posted on by Chris Bowen

FULTON, Ill. — Several fire department officials deemed a recent fire at a local Christian church to be caused by the chapel’s decades-old electrical wiring and not from the many black metal bands that are claiming responsibility, sources report.

“It’s pretty clear that Goatrïmmer is the only band in all of Illinois metal enough to actually go through with a real-life church burning,” Goatrïmmer frontman Böwël explained, adding the fact that him owning an original Bathory “Yellow Goat” pressing is one of the many things that sets him apart from the posers. “Sure, we weren’t physically in the church’s vicinity when it happened nor do we own anything incendiary that could engulf a structure in flames, but we have our ways of making it happen. Mystical, diabolical and pure evil ways. The fools in the fire department just don’t want to accept that, for some reason.”

Officer Richard Carr, an investigator with the Fulton Police Department, says their phones have been ringing off the hook with bogus claims.

“Since the tragic and unfortunate fire on Friday night, we’ve been getting calls from teenagers and grown men alike saying their bands are responsible for the fire,” Officer Carr explained. “Seems like a pretty morbid thing to brag about, but what’s even more sickening is how embarrassing these guys are. We 100% know the fire was caused by the old knob and tube wiring, but these dorks just keep fighting with each other over who is taking the blame. We’re just going to let them fight it out until they admit defeat, or until they just grow out of their black metal phases. Unfortunately, black metal fans never grow out of that phase.”

Fire Marshal Robert Almonowski noted the frequency of bands taking credit for crimes they didn’t commit.

“While church fires and black metal bands taking credit for them are probably the most prevalent, there are other bands from different genres who do the same,” Almonowski said. “Once there was a fire caused by an unattended crockpot at a police station luncheon and many anarcho punk bands said that it was caused by their molotov cocktails. It was quickly proven to be a pot of meatballs, but the punks insisted it was them. However, they were tracked down and severely beaten by the police anyway. Cops never turn down an opporutnity to assault the general public.”

At press time, Goatrïmmer was quick to claim responsibility for a large number of cross decorations at a local Hobby Lobby being placed upside down.

The 50 Worst Blink-182 Songs to Play at Your Grandfather’s Funeral

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It finally happened, your beloved Grandfather passed away. He will be remembered for complaining about how nobody wants to work these days, how he put himself through college while working part-time at an ice cream stand on Cape Cod, and his rampant alcoholism. It’s time for your family to honor his life, and they’ve put you in charge of selecting the music for the event. We’re not sure why you’ve been selected for such a sensitive task given your predilection toward the goofiest pop-punk songs of all time, but here are 50 Blink-182 songs you are absolutely going to want to avoid.

50. “Going Away To College”

We should probably rip the band-aid off here. Your family initially told you that your beloved grandfather would ‘be going away for a while.’ This is due to your inability to handle most heavy emotions. We can’t really blame your loved ones for shielding you from the truth here, but you’re a grown adult and it is a little ridiculous that you actually thought your 78-year-old grandfather was legitimately going back to NYU to finish his Master’s.

49. “Black Rain”

This one might feel like it’s appropriate for a funeral, but it’s a boring Matt Skiba song, so it automatically feels a bit wrong. Your Grandfather always used to say “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and if it is broke and you have to fix it, at least don’t give Matt Skiba any leads on the new album.” Honor his words by skipping this one.

48. “Adam’s Song”

Your Grandfather’s name was Stephen, not Adam, and he died surrounded by his family and loved ones, not alone. Nobody at this funeral will relate to this one, and it will likely make them all depressed as fuck if they hear it.

47. “I Miss You”

Everyone misses Gramps that’s for sure. Still, the second verse describes spiders capturing and devouring prey, which, gross. The psychological community largely agrees that the fear of spiders only ranks a few pegs below the fear of death when considering people’s most common phobias. Is this a funeral or a haunted house?

46. “Disaster”

This song is seemingly about death, but in a way that makes you think of the futility of life and your fragile mortality. Chances are that at least a few people in this room are already spiraling about this very topic. If you leave this one on the queue, your Aunt Theresa might do that thing where she breaks out wailing about how she “can’t take it anymore” while trying to make the entire event about herself. Your dad hates that. Try to avoid it if possible.

45. “Home Is Such A Lonely Place”

Your Grandmother has been staying at your parent’s house since PaPa Stephen went into hospice. It was a kind gesture for your dad to offer, but your mom is starting to go a little crazy. In her defense, you just moved out a few months ago after years of ‘looking for a job.’ It makes sense that despite the situation, she’s just a little frustrated to have her privacy delayed even further. If you want to help her out, maybe don’t play a song whose thesis is about how depressing someone’s house can be when uninhabited by a lost partner.

44. “I’m Lost Without You”

This song has emotional elements that you might expect to hear amplified at a funeral, but it’s also long as fucking shit. No one has ever listened to a Blink-182 song and thought ‘this is really great, but I wish it were almost seven minutes long and super droney too!’ That trend likely isn’t going to change anytime soon, and definitely not at your Grandfather’s wake.

43. “Man Overboard”

‘Man Overboard’ details the loss of friendship and laments the stark reality that as people grow, they no longer have time to get shitfaced with you. Your estranged Uncle Jerry, who was almost excommunicated from the family for enabling your grandfather’s aforementioned alcoholism, personally requested to hear this one, and he has never really been known for his judgment.

42. “Feeling This”

Apparently when Mark and Tom wrote this one, they went off into separate rooms as an experiment. Tom was tasked with the verse lyric, while Mark was tasked with the chorus. Both wrote about love from wildly different angles. Unfortunately, no one at this funeral is fourteen years old, and it’s highly unlikely they will be impressed by this fact you once found to be mind-blowing. Nerd.

41. “What’s My Age Again?”

When we think about death, we are often reminded of our struggles to stay focused while making out with our partners and also our inability to not prank call their mothers in a fit of embarrassed rage. Just kidding. You’ll likely find it in your best interest to read the room here and leave this one off.

40. “Dammit”

Watching your loved ones wander off into that good night is a major part of growing up and it can be a pretty harrowing experience. Still, despite your misinterpretation of this classic, Mark is actually singing about a romantic relationship turned cold, not the death of his Pop Pop. As far as breakup songs go, this one’s pretty mature. Out of sheer decency though, you shouldn’t be laying the notion that you still aren’t over your ex from five years ago on top of your family’s grief. The human heart can only take so much.

39. “CHILDHOOD”

Most family members like to reminisce about the good old times when a loved one passes. They often talk about how it’s sad that they only get to see each other in such circumstances. Grand statements are made that they’ll be closer and more in touch following the event. Most of it is bullshit and rings about as hollow as the cliche lyrics to this song. Do your loved ones a favor and skip this one. It’s just time that everyone starts being honest, is all.

38. “Heaven”

This is one of those Blink tracks where you can kind of tell that Matt Skiba was heavily encouraging Mark to be spookier than he actually is. It falls as flat as you would expect, and it’s probably not great to play a song that repeats the line “Heaven doesn’t want me” at a man’s funeral. The fact that at least a few of your family members are sure Papa Stephen is absolutely going to Hell is irrelevant here.

37. “Always”

This is one of Blink’s more emotional songs, but it also features one of Tom’s horniest choruses of all time. It’s not likely that anyone here wants to think about touching, kissing, holding or tasting your grandfather in such a somber moment. It’s just too gross.

36. “Please Take Me Home”

There are several messages your family may interpret poorly within this song’s runtime. One of which suggests that this deeply sad moment for everyone is the ‘best time they ever had.’ This is without mentioning that the desire to leave the event, though likely a shared sentiment, should not be spoken aloud.

35. “Lemmings”

Your grandfather’s side of the family is notably conservative. You might be thinking of including a song in the playlist that calls out their hypocrisy in a subtle way. Don’t pick this one, though. It’s about scene politics (we think), and no one gives a shit about that subject.

34. “Remember to Forget Me”

Typically, a funeral encourages keeping the memory of your deceased loved one alive. While there are many aspects of your grandfather’s personality you’d rather bar from your heart in mind, forgetting him as a whole would be a bit cruel. This is without mentioning the imagery of spreading his body parts alongside a road that the chorus evokes.

33. “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE GOT”

Putting a spin on Joni Mitchell’s ‘Yellow Taxi,’ Blink claims that the listener doesn’t know what they have until it’s almost gone. Unfortunately, your Pappy Stephen is very much all the way gone, meaning this one doesn’t entirely apply here.

32. “Down”

It’s perfectly understandable to be feeling a bit low at this event. While this track seems perfect, it’s just going to make your father talk endlessly about how much the band ripped off Bruce Springsteen during the chorus. In fact, the Springsteen song would have been a great choice for the event, according to him. Your grandfather loved the Boss.

31. “M+M’s”

There are plenty of things you can talk about at a funeral. Still, there are topics to avoid including your inability to find new ways to masturbate and your desire to electrocute yourself in a bathtub. This song mentions both within a single verse, so skip it.

30. “Aliens Exist”

Your grandfather worked at an Air Force Base and claims to have seen UFO wreckage, and you were supposed to keep that shit a secret. There are four men you don’t recognize in the back pew, they’re all wearing sunglasses, and none of them have spoken a word this entire event. Unless you want to be formally introduced to them before never being seen again, we recommend holding off on this one.

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Toddlers Go On Strike After Dino-Shaped Chicken Nugget Recall

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

SPRINGDALE, Ark. — The Department of Agriculture’s recall of 30,000 pounds of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets led to an official toddler dining room walkout nationwide, confirmed parents who say they don’t care if their kids go to bed hungry.

“The Mommies and Daddies paint us as an unreasonable mob. Our demands are simple–dinos with ketchup, on the blue plate,” scoffed Toddler Representative Cora Scherer, while angrily flipping pages backward in a Paddington Collection. “They tried to play hardball, saying metal pieces in nuggies could hurt us! I eat more metal off the floor during ‘Yoga for Crawlers’ at the library. Moreover, they made a mockery of our offer by presenting yucky breaded chicken pressed with snowflake cookie cutters. We demand to be taken seriously.”

Despite several attempts at outreach, parental groups are unsuccessful in reaching an agreement amid the loud protests of the toddlers.

“We can’t underestimate them when it comes to nuggets,” said frustrated Parent Advocacy Leader Dylan Ruderman, from the floor of his kitchen, lightly banging his head against the cabinet doors. “The uproar when we attempted to introduce plant-based nuggets was only resolved by an eleventh-hour trip to McDonald’s. But they’ve presented few, if any, moves on the numerous remaining open items.”

A statement from the group reads, “In our last meeting, we extended offers including: raising the percentage of mac and cheese intake, adjustments to the daily screen time allotment, and the promise of a trip to the My Gym ball pit.” Even the best and final offer, mentioning Santa is watching, did not bring the children back to the table.

Despite this stalemate, the company at the heart of the matter remains optimistic.

“We urge both sides to come to a compromise while we resume production of our deliciously fun white meat dino nuggets,” said Laura Burns, Public Relations Director at Tyson Foods. “We remind all parties it was simply one product recall. See this as an opportunity to explore our entire exciting line. Why not some ‘Any’tizers’ Popcorn Chicken with a side of ‘Any’tizers Chicken Fries?”

At press time, the Grandparents Guild, historically committed to the “eat what’s in front of you” platform, extended a waiver to “come to Nana’s and get whatever you want.”

Punk Lights Cigarette With Single Match Despite 100 MPH Wind, Torrential Downpour

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local punk Tabitha Milner recently lit a cigarette with a match on the first try, despite the fact that a Category 2 hurricane was raging, according to sources that Milner had just bummed a cigarette from.

“I can light a cigarette with a match in any situation, just like a butane lighter,” said Milner while smoking directly behind one of those swamp boats with the big fan on the back. “I smoked for years before I could afford a lighter, so shitty free motel matches were all I had. Hurricanes, tornadoes, dust devils, and water spouts; I’ve smoked in them all. I can light up with matches that are soaking wet, too. My buddy works at NASA and is even trying to get me in there to see if I can light up within a complete oxygen vacuum.”

Milner’s coworker John Kobashi was unable to get his cigarette lit before his break ended.

“Tabitha has always been the matches queen, but even I was impressed this time. She didn’t even cup her hand around the match to block the wind or nothin’,” reported Kobashi while paddling down flooded streets in a kayak, shouting to empty houses for survivors. “She was underneath the roof’s downspout as well, which was a full on waterfall. She’s a miracle worker, what can I say? Hell, I couldn’t even light my smoke with my car’s plugin lighter, and I had the doors closed and the windows rolled up. It was that windy out.”

Climate scientist and chainsmoker Donovan Quick thinks that Milner’s skillset will be useful in the coming decades.

“The earth’s weather patterns are changing faster than any of us anticipated, so smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” said Quick while failing to blow smoke rings. “As our climate reaches untenable extremities, it will be of the utmost importance to smoke accordingly. Not everyone will be able to smoke inside because it’s too cold, or to go around the corner when it’s too windy to light up. The more adaptable you are in enabling your crippling nicotine habit, the better off you’ll be. It might get so bad that some people will have no choice but to quit altogether, but let’s pray it never comes to that.”

At press time, Milner had finally saved up to buy her first carton of cigarettes after nearly seven years of smoking.

15 Reasons I Stopped Going Through My Boyfriend’s Phone That Have Nothing To Do With Him Changing His Passcode

Posted on by Dom Turek

It’s never okay to go through your partner’s phone unless you have concrete evidence of infidelity, like seeing he randomly started streaming “The O.C.” or having a dream he cheated on you.

Here are 15 reasons not to invade your partner’s privacy that have absolutely nothing to do with the fact I’m locked out of his phone for the next seven hours due to incorrect password entries.

1. It can quickly become an obsessive habit

A harmless habit can quickly escalate into a full-blown obsession that runs on nothing but adrenaline and muscle memory. One day you’re casually lurking on his Instagram and the next you’re a low-level cryptanalyst trying to figure out how to replicate his fingerprint so you can check if he re-downloaded Tinder.

2. He started bringing his phone into the bathroom with him

He used to leave his phone on the bed when he went to the bathroom, which gave me just enough time to check his DMs, texts, and deleted voicemails before placing the phone back where I found it and pretending to be asleep, but that was back in our honeymoon phase.

3. It makes you look insecure

Nothing turns a man off more than an insecure woman. Well, that and telling them you’ll jump out of a moving vehicle unless they prove they weren’t using WhatsApp to message that ex from his hometown you know he’s still in love with.

4. It’s an Invasion of property

Just because he’s 38 and his mom still pays his phone bill doesn’t make it any less his property, however, the iPad you bought him for Christmas last year is technically yours, so feel free to bust it out while he’s at work and try different passcodes until you fry the mainframe.

5. It’s a dishonorable way of obtaining information

How you glean information has the potential to undermine the information you find. Imagine everyone congratulating you for saving a stray kitten you found in an alleyway, but later everyone finds out you were only in that alleyway to buy crack. Context is everything.

6. His phone is dead and you can’t find the charger

I bought him an extra charger to keep by the bed to avoid this exact scenario, but he probably left it at his secret girlfriend’s house. A dead phone is a great opportunity to practice self-control, that is unless you live close to an Apple store and can juice up over there.

7. Don’t let the pain from past relationships affect new ones

Don’t take out pain, trauma, or resentments from past relationships on your new partner. It’s not fair. After all, that’s what excessive masturbating, binge drinking, and abusing waitstaff are for.

8. You’ll feel guilty afterward

Guilt is shame’s less sexy cousin and should be avoided at all costs. Fortunately, I have a condition that prevents me from feeling guilty, but I hear it’s like some kind of negative self-evaluation that causes stomachaches and diarrhea.

9. Snooping fosters secrecy and distrust

You run the risk of creating a distrustful environment by going through someone’s possessions, which can lead to your partner becoming more secretive around you, and eventually cause them to change their passcode to something more complex than “6969.”

10. It exacerbates communication issues

Lack of communication is relationship kryptonite. Listening is the backbone of effective communication, and it’s also a great way to appear interested and understanding while quietly gathering information and waiting for them to slip up and accidentally incriminate themselves.

11. You can just go through his computer instead

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and the same goes for spying on your boyfriend. Why go through his phone when the real meat and potatoes of his infidelities are on his computer? That’s like going fishing in a swimming pool when you live next to the ocean.

12. If you go looking for something, you’ll find it

The mind is a powerful tool that can turn even the most benign text message or email into “evidence” that he’s cheating on you. The mind is also a powerful tool that can generate and test over 700 permutations of his previous passcode ‘420420.’

13. Your partner is allowed to be independent

Experts say you don’t have to know everything about someone to love them, but experts also used to say cigarettes were good for you. Providing he lets me know what he’s doing and who he’s talking to at any given moment, I’m happy to give him all the independence he needs.

14. Know your strengths

Obtain so much blackmail on your partner they know betraying you would mean certain death. Maybe cheating on you means his company finds out about his payroll fraud. Maybe it doesn’t. Let him decide if this is a game he wants to play.

15. The phone is now permanently disabled and must be reset to factory settings

You have exceeded the number of incorrect passcode entries and his phone is rendered useless. Your partner has ended the relationship and is giving you one week to find new housing arrangements. Are these really the actions of an innocent man with nothing to hide? It just goes to show you can’t trust anyone.

Every From First to Last Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

We’re ranking the five studio albums From First to Last from almost last to almost first. Basically, Skrillex + Periphery + D.R.U.G.S. + IBS over the counter pills = From First To Last is a formula for mid-aughts success with sprinkles of victories in the 2010s. Formed in the late-90s, Tampa, Florida’s FFTL is and was a group of Florida Men but not the literal Florida Man that you can read about with a Google search; one fun fact to note is that if you do such with your birthday, you will likely read a headline like “Florida Man Brings A Rocket Launcher On A Flight.” We don’t make the rules, just the ranks. Anyway, despite what you toolboxes think, FFTL has more than one song and album, and your “wit” is crop dusting us. 

5. Self-Titled (2008)

This major label album debut, which was FFTL’s first of one, and self-titled effort was meh and sadly world’s away from its two predecessors. Admittedly, Matt Good is a solid singer, but he had large AF shoes to fill, and that’s an understatement, as the new lead vocalist once Marshmello unceremoniously got the boot as the frontman, but the band would’ve been better off releasing its follow-up, no matter how long it took to record, and scrapping this one. Furthermore, this version of From First to Last should never have performed on the main stage of Warped Tour the year that this record came out, and such posit is clear from the crowd’s general apathy and the band’s ok performances themselves on said stage. Oh well, we all turn back to dust anyway.  

Play it again: “Two As One”
Skip it: Sadly but truthfully, most of it; sorry not sorry but kinda sorry

4. Throne to the Wolves (2010)

How can you not like an album with a song called “Going Lohan”? You, me and the significant others will universally agree regarding such unless you don’t. After From First to Last left Suretone/Interscope Records, they signed with Rise Records, then home to other mall screamo/post-hardcore peers In Fear and Faith, The Color Morale, Sleeping With Sirens, and Robert Johnson, and released “Throne to the Wolves” to more than solid reviews but not enough sales to make a dent anywhere. Pity, as this record is FFTL’s second most underrated album, and deserves your attention, Elvis’, love from the cast of the movie “The Little Rascals” sans Bug Hall, and King Joffrey I Baratheon’s personal pardon that doesn’t include blood, sperm, sadism, and an extremely punchable face. 

Play it again: “Going Lohan”
Skip it: Going Amanda Bynes and several other tracks here

3. Dead Trees (2015)

After a short hiatus, From First to Last regrouped in 2013 as a SIX-PIECE, yes, a six-piece, with new vocalist Spencer Sotelo from the musical hacks known as Periphery, and signed with Sumerian Records, then home to, uh, Periphery, Asking Alexandria, Veil of Maya, and indie darling Adele, and released one of the more slept on mid-2010s record known as “Dead Trees”. First of all, it showcased tight AF musicianship and jaw-dropping vocals. Second of all, its last three bonus tracks, “Note To Self,” “Ride The Wings of Pestilence,” “The Latest Plague,” and bonus hidden gem, Melissa (Lou; yes, Lou) Etheridge’s “Come to My Window,” showed this album’s small gaggle of listeners that the group was incredible at covering their own material with a healthy blend of nostalgia and then modern production.

Play it again: The three new school recordings of old school FFTL songs
Skip it: Some of the middle and closing tracks before #12 

2. Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Bodycount (2004)

Even though you all are going to state on record with ultimatums for egos and bible in your hands and lies in your hearts that the band’s debut EP “Aesthetic” is what brought you here, we know that you’re lying through your teeth and that the band’s debut, and long in an unintentionally comedic way, titled full-length album, and first of two for Epitaph Records, “Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Bodycount” was your gateway drug to From First to Last. This album definitely got the band to the point of a slot on HUGE tours, and FFTL was second of five on 2006’s “The Black Clouds And Underdogs Tour” with hip-hoppers Fall Out Boy, doo-woppers The All-American Rejects, classical guitarists Hawthorne Heights, and metalcore platinum rocker Kylie Kristen “I’m Not A True Kardashian or Minogue.” In closing, Emily’s smiles and laughter helped catapult this LP.

Play it again: “Ride The Wings Of Pestilence”
Skip it: “Populace In Two”

1. Heroine (2006)

“Heroine,” From First to Last’s second and last for Epitaph Records, then home to Matchbook Romance, Escape the Fate, I Am Ghost, and Chumbawamba, was a heavy music fan’s wet dream simply because of the fact that it was produced by nu-metal savant Ross Robinson, who also worked on Korn’s self-titled LP, Wes Borland’s band’s debut “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” At the Drive-In’s masterpiece “Relationship of Command,” and Boston’s underground math-rock bible “Boston.” Sadly, this one is Sonny Moore’s last full-length as the band’s lead vocalist, but happily, the band recently released two singles, the minor-hit track “Make War,” and a cover of Cheap Trick’s “Surrender” in bossa nova style. In closing, “Heroine” is FFTL’s best selling album and we back said fact to the crows, your mother, the latest attraction, and mall vending machine Dippin’ Dots.

Play it again: “Mothersound” and eight to nine other songs on this gem of an LP for you and me to be free like the sea
Skip it: “Waltz Moore”



Morrissey’s Evil Twin Actually Very Cool

Posted on by Tim Graham

MANCHESTER, England — Singer Morrissey’s so-called “evil” identical twin Montgomery is by all accounts a kind, well-liked bloke, according to jolly, red-faced sources at his local pub.

“I’m a simple family man living a quiet, contented life of service and gratitude,” said Montgomery while wrapping toys for an orphanage. “On a typical day I’ll put in my hours at the chip shop, then home for supper with the family. Some nights I pop over to the pub, have a pint or two with me mates. I don’t know why my twin has said such dreadful things about me. Sadly, he doesn’t seem to be a very happy man, despite the money and success. I’ve extended the olive branch in the past, but he wouldn’t come ‘round to mine ‘cos we cook meat in the house on occasion.”

Moz’ former bandmate Johnny Marr insists that Montgomery has been unfairly slandered by his famous twin.

“I’ve been great pals with Monty for ages now,” said Marr as he put the final stitches in what appeared to be a Morrissey voodoo doll. “He and I are in a darts league together. What a sweet fellow! Couldn’t be more different from that bell end Steven. Monty’s quite the poet, as well. In fact, his poems would often get much more acclaim than Steven’s in school. That’s probably where the seeds of this silly one-sided rivalry began. What’s more, Monty’s got a great set of pipes. The pub erupts in applause whenever he and I get up to do some old Smiths numbers.”

Cultural anthropologist Edgar Wickersham says that the “evil twin” cliche is often a mischaracterization made by an insecure, jealous family member.

“The phenomenon of a successful public figure casting aspersions at their twin is somewhat common,” said Wickersham. “Famous people are often quite competitive and will attempt to strike down anyone in their circle who appears to be doing well. Consider the case of Russell Brand’s allegedly ‘evil’ twin Gary, who is in fact a faithful, conscientious family man. Alex Jones’ twin Dwight is often maligned by the notorious conspiracy theorist, but Dwight Jones is a lawyer who does pro-bono work for the Innocence Project and fosters kittens.”

At press time, Morrissey had taken out a full-page ad in the Manchester Evening News decrying his “wicked and nefarious” twin after Montgomery was photographed volunteering at a soup kitchen over the holidays.

Every Big Bang Theory Character Ranked Randomly, We Tried To Watch It, We Just Couldn’t Do It

Posted on by Dan Rice

Like many Americans, we’re behind on our clickbait quota, and our mom has been on our case to watch “The Big Theory.” We figured we would kill two birds with one stone. We would finally watch the show mom swears we’ll love so we have something to talk about at Thanksgiving besides whose died in our hometown this year, and then do a ranking of all the characters. “What could go wrong?” We literally asked that out loud to ourselves, such was our hubris.

Holy bazinga this show is bad. Are we using that right? We really wouldn’t know, because two and a half random episodes of this even-by-Chuck_Lorre-standards drivel of a show is all we could sit through. There are twelve seasons of this? How?! Well, we’ve gotten used to disappointing our mom, but not our editor, so as promised, here are the characters of “The Big Bang Theory” ranked by closing our eyes and shuffling the names around on a spreadsheet.

35. Eric Gablehauser

Coming in dead last is Dr. Eric Gablehauser because let’s face it, that’s where we placed him randomly with our eyes closed. According to the fan Wiki, he’s the main character’s mean boss, so maybe fans would agree? It’s hard to say but if we’re accidentally right, hey, we’ll take it!

34. V.M. Koothrappali

He’s Raj’s Dad, and that’s about all the fan sites have to say about him, so it’s probably fine that he’s ranked so low. Oh my god, are we nailing this? I think we are. We can’t wait to ignore all the “Big Bang Theory” Reddit boards when they discuss these rankings and then go to sleep alone.

33. Stephanie Barnett

This is a direct quote from the fan wiki—”Stephanie’s primary role in the show is being Leonard’s girlfriend.” Kind of highlights a lot of the reasons we could not get into this show.

32. Beverly Hofstadter

We know what you Big Bang heads must be thinking—”How can you rank Leonard’s neuroscientist Mom so low on the list?!” The answer is we essentially pulled these out of a hat, and we’re having trouble recollecting which one Leonard is.

31. Mrs. Koothrappali

We didn’t catch an episode with her in it, but we’re willing to bet Chuck Lorre’s 2D caricature of an Indian mom makes every “Dharma and Greg” character seem as flushed out and complex as Tony Soprano.

30. Mary Cooper

Oh, Sheldon’s mom is a born-again Christian? I bet that’s funny for like, one beat, and then joylessly played over again and again for 12 years.

29. President Siebert

Actually, this is the one deliberate ranking on this list. That’s right, we at the Hard Times believe President Siebert belongs at exactly #29 on this list, and it’s a hill we WILL die on. You hear me Siebert-heads?! Siebert nation, stand down and don’t @ us!

28. Halley Wolowitz

Halley is a child. We have no idea what she adds to the show. Let’s just move this along.

27. Dave Gibbs

According to Wikipedia he’s a founding member of the Boston power-pop band Giglo Aunts. That can’t be right. This character looks like someone familiar, someone important to the world of pop culture who might have created a decent sitcom.

26. Richard Williams

I guess someone’s boss is like an Air Force guy? Like in “I Dream of Jeannie?” Honestly, that’s the move. If your show is going to be this cookie-cutter and lazy just go all the way and throw in a sex genie.

25. Wyatt

At first, the Wyatt storyline was an intriguing part of the show’s cerebral hook, but like many of its early mysterious yet promising elements it didn’t materialize into much with the latter seasons and ultimately doomed the show. Wait, no, that was “Westworld.” What are we doing again?

24. Penny

The fan wiki says she’s the primary female character of the series, an attractive person who is married to a nerd! Can you believe it!? Oh, you can? Commonplace for decades you say? Both in real life and popular media? Hmm. The wiki also lists her IQ as 100. Wow. Just… god, fuck this thing.

23. Kurt

Okay going off just his picture I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the dumb bully. Let’s check the fan wiki and see how I did: “A muscular, but not very educated man, Kurt is arrogant and condescending toward the likes of Leonard and Sheldon.” You could probably write this whole episode with no additional information and your script would be like 80% right.

22. Janine Davis

She’s Caltech’s HR manager who enforces political correctness. “Boo, hiss, bazinga!” (cue laugh track.)

21. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz

Bernadette is one of the main characters and a microbiologist, so she is presumably very smart. I say presumably because her fan wiki page does not list her IQ, which is odd. After all, it does that for all of the male main characters and the other female lead, which again is exactly 100.  Does this speak volumes about the attitude of this show and its fanbase? Who’s to say? Those are just the facts.

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Jay Weinberg Booted From Slipknot After Lying About Ability to Hook Up Band with Springsteen Tickets

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SIOUX CITY, Iowa — Slipknot announced they parted ways with drummer Jay Weinberg after it was revealed that he exaggerated his ability to use his father’s connections to procure Springsteen tickets, the band’s reps confirmed.

“I didn’t think this lie would come back to bite me on the ass, but after almost ten years in the band they were bound to find out that I can’t actually score Bruce tickets whenever I see fit, let alone nine of them. I just told them I had connections when I was auditioning as a ‘perk’ of letting me in! In reality, most of the time I went to a show I was just my dad’s plus one,” said Weinberg. “But the guys just kept nagging me every time Bruce and the band would go on tour, and I could only blame Ticketmaster for so long before they discovered my ruse.”

Lead singer Corey Taylor said the decision to kick Weinberg out of the band was swift and unanimous.

“It’s one thing to lie, but it’s another thing to string me along thinking that I’m eventually going to see Bruce play ‘Spirit in the Night’ live when in fact the only times he ever hung out with Bruce was at his goddam horse ranch,” said Taylor. “I always thought ‘Iowa’ and ‘Nebraska’ were companion albums, and the band pitched having the E Street Band to play KnotFest with us on six different occasions, but Jay would always come back with some excuse about Bruce needing a break from touring which we all know is bullshit. That dude is a machine. So yeah, he’s leaving the band due to creative differences in that he needs to be more creative about having actual connections.”

Despite the discourse within the band, Bruce Springsteen himself was surprised his name even came up.

“Hang on, Jay was in Slipknot? I thought he was in a jazz quartet or something, at least that’s what he told Max,” said Springsteen. “Well if I can be honest, I don’t know why he’d say they could come to one of our shows when everyone knows I’m way more into ICP. He’s seen how much Faygo I consume. Shaggy, Violent J, those guys have a standing invitation to any show I perform, and I’d love it if they let me wrestle with them a little. Come on Jay, get it together.”

Band reps have also reported Weinberg is attempting a possible reconciliation with the band after proposing he could possibly get Conan O’Brien to hang out with them backstage next week.

Photo by Kaanislek.

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Catholic Church Unveils Limited-Edition Berry Blast Eucharist

Posted on by J. Taylor Lee

VATICAN CITY – The Roman Catholic Church recently unveiled a new limited-edition Berry Blast flavor for the Holy Sacrament of Communion, sources at the Vatican confirmed.

“The Church of Rome has long been beset by an ever decreasing number of youthful congregants,” said Pope Francis in his weekly Angelus address. “But we pray that this delicious new Eucharist will endear us to younger generations. Please trust that our ends are neither nefarious nor perverse. We simply desire for new worshipers to enter our doors, such that we may convince them that ours is the only Church with a path towards salvation, and that to deviate even in the slightest from our teachings is to damn oneself to everlasting hellfire. And that a very tasty snack may entice them to do all this. You know, pretty standard stuff.”

Catholics around the world voiced support for the new culinary improvements.

“I think this is the most exciting thing to come out of the Church since the Second Vatican Council,” said Daniel Denton, a Millennial Catholic who attends Mass regularly. “Don’t get me wrong: I love the Holy Sacrament, but I’ve always said the Body of Christ was a little bland. Like, let me at least get a side of ranch. But this new flavor? So delicious. I’ve been going to Mass eight or nine times a week just to get another taste. I heard they’re going to do more flavors, too. Cheesy Nacho, Flamin’ Hot, Wintermint. Maybe even a PRIME Crossover or something. Now if the Church would just put this flavor out as a vape juice – man, I’m literally salivating right now.”

Katrina Cutrera, Senior VP of Marketing at the Vatican, noted that the Church’s announcement is the culmination of months of preparation.

“We spent considerable sums on market research to develop the perfect flavor and texture. After many weeks of trial and error, we finally settled on this unique gummy consistency, accented by Holy Flavor Crystals,” said Cutrera. “And in support of this new flavor roll-out, we will also be launching a web-based ad campaign. We actually just finished shooting our first commercial. It’s a take on those Trix ads, except instead of cereal, it’s the Body of Christ, and instead of adults trying to get a hold of the delicious treat, it’s Baptists.”

At press time, a contingent of church goers was forming outside the Vatican to protest the new flavor, claiming that, if anything, Jesus was lemon-lime.