BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — Pop megastar Taylor Swift revealed the impromptu lyrics change during her performance of “Karma” over the weekend was actually a reference to Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid, sources confirmed.
“I know Travis (Kelce) and I have been making some waves lately. But when I sang ‘Karma is the guy on the Chiefs, coming straight home to me,’ I was sending a message to Big Red himself about how much I loved his company over the past few months,” said Swift, who acknowledged she’s been romantically involved with Reid. “Andy and I met a few years ago and our story has evolved and blossomed into something beautiful. We tried to keep it under wraps because technically he’s still married, but I’m just so excited and can’t wait to get a full-body dusting from his mustache later tonight.”
Reid confirmed the affair while preparing for the Chiefs’ week 11 game against the Philadelphia Eagles.
“It was my goal to stay disciplined and never have an extramarital affair, but I got a DM from Tay Tay after a game where she said the Nike polo I was wearing looked really good on me, but it would ‘look better on her bedroom floor,'” said Reid. “Honestly, I didn’t know what she meant, so I had her explain the message. She went on in great detail about how she finds my play calling ‘Sexy’ and that when I burn a timeout at the beginning of the third quarter for no reason it does, in fact, arouse her. I prayed on it, realized you only live once, and now we are ready to make it public.”
Pop culture historian Ezra Hopley says this is not the first time a pop icon pursued a popular NFL coach.
“Stevie Nicks was infatuated with the Houston Oilers Head Coach Bum Phillips. It was one of the reasons her relationship with Lindsey Buckingham ended. Phillips and Nicks briefly dated during the off-season in 1979 but apparently his rampant cocaine use drove them apart,” said Hopley. “And more recently Britney Spears revealed in her memoir that she secretly dated Mike Ditka in 2008 while he was working for ESPN and that one time Ditka ‘Beat the living shit’ out of her ex-husband Kevin Federline”
At press time, Doja Cat admitted she was inspired by Swift and will “shoot her shot” with long-time New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.
This lovable oaf is only ever there to help you out. Hodor may not be able to communicate all that well, but at least you don’t have to worry about loading in your own gear with him around.
Effective, understanding and compassionate – Missandei is everything a good sound guy ought to be, and yet none are.
Sam is too sensitive to be an asshole to anyone. You could probably push your whole bass cab off the stage and have it land on his wife and he’ll apologize to you. Asking “Could I get some more bass in the monitor?” might actually kill him.
Maester Luwin is only there to serve whoever the fuck is in power at that exact moment. And for the next 20 minutes, as you muddle through your half-rehearsed ska rendition of Men Without Hats covers, that’s you. Who can dance if they want to? Fucking you can!
Podrick is a nice boy – that’s good. He’s also an unstoppable sexual dynamo, which sets him as the diametric opposite of every other sound guy who’s ever lived. Yeah, he’s not gonna be giving you any shit about feedback as he confidently and lovingly fucks your bass player’s sister.
Lord Stark has a pretty strict code of honor which dictates he always does the right thing for those who are loyal to him. All you gotta do is bum him a Parliament before sound check and he’ll go to bat for you even if the venue manager threatens to cut off his head.
She’s a sweet kid. You’ll probably have to hear some guff about how her dad is trying to get promoted to night manager, but just don’t say anything about that thing on her face and you’ll be fine with her running the show.
Qyburn is a bit of a renegade, but that means he’s willing to bend the rules a bit to get what you want done. So your amps exceed the safe voltage restrictions for the club’s electrical system? Qyburn is already on his way down to the fuse box with a pair of wire clippers and a sly smirk on his face.
The Spider has always said that he lives to serve the realm. One could assume that most of the time that means the venue you’re getting fifty bucks to open in – but since he’s also not afraid to stab a few backs every now and then, it stands to reason that if you stay on his good side then maybe you wind up the headliner sooner than you’d expect.
She’s surprisingly sweet despite meeting the core sound guy criteria of barely being able to read and having a baby born of incest.
The Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch can definitely be a hardass, but rest assured he always has your best interests at heart. Keep that in mind when you accidentally lock yourselves out of the green room and need someone to strongarm the custodian to get the keys for you.
This dude’s a smuggler. You know what that means? It means he knows where to get coke. You’re welcome.
This plain-flavored-tapioca of a character doesn’t have enough personality to even know how to be a dick… on.
He can be a bit cryptic, like when you ask him where he wants the guitars loaded in and he replies “The ether beneath the field where men pretend they control the skies.” But this dude has been around since this venue was still an abandoned Waffle House – he’s gonna show you everything you need to know about why the PA system is making that noise again.
Fuck! Arya already killed the booker ‘cause he once called her dad “a bit of a knave.” Welp, onto the next name on the list… erm… we mean “tour date.”
If you treat him like dogshit long enough then apparently he falls in love with you. At least he’s devoted to the artists.
Jon Snow has really been through the ringer, and usually when that happens to a sound guy they just get really into salvia and refuse to make eye contact. But Jon somehow keeps going – which may actually be a bit annoying when he comes back from the dead just to show you the proper way the mixing board is supposed to be set up.
Fuck – we got a lot of Northerners on this list so far. Let’s get the hell out of that do-gooding tundra on the next one if we can.
There we go! King Tommen is a perfectly affable little shit. He’s easily distracted by the prospect of getting laid, so he might miss sound check because they hired a new bartender for him to harass. But as long as he’s back by showtime he’s not gonna try to cut anyone’s mic.
Once she starts to serve you, Brienne is loyal until the end – like, annoyingly so. She’ll adjust the monitor levels once for you and next thing she’ll be declaring how she’s gonna produce every record any member of your band ever does for free. It’s an overcorrection that isn’t so much being an asshole as just being “a lot.”
When we first meet him, he’s an asshole. Then he’s just kind of a goon. Then he’s actually a pretty useful plot device. Is he the most developed character in all of “Game of Thrones”? No, that can’t be right. But still he’ll be pretty unpredictable as to which version you get as your sound guy.
I, uh, don’t really know what to do with this one. It’s simultaneously not quite a remix album and not quite its own thing. It consists of alternate arrangements of each track from “Heartworms” and feels like it should have been released as a bonus disc for the album’s 25th-anniversary edition. Conceptually, it’s a pretty neat idea, and I like some of the tracks well enough. If I’m sitting down to listen to The Shins, though, I’m almost always going to ignore it in favor of their actual, y’know, albums.
Part of me wants to say that this album was where James Mercer ran out of creative gas. I mean, he shuttered the entire project without releasing another record after this one, so it kind of tracks, right? It’s very easy to think that the reason I never want to listen to “Heartworms” is because it’s just not a worthwhile listen. It couldn’t possibly be that I was closing in on thirty when it was released, right? I’m sure my appetite for indie pop will remain as insatiable as it was when I was a hormonal teenager, no matter how old I get. To think anything else would be admitting that my own colors are fading, and that’s impossible.
I really do like “Port of Morrow,” in the way that you like a non-favored cat. See, unlike children, you’re allowed to like your pets to varying degrees — and even dislike them, if they suck. I don’t think “Port of Morrow” sucks, and I don’t dislike it, but my phone isn’t filled with pictures of it. When I get home from work, I don’t pet “Port of Morrow” before I greet my wife. I don’t even have a single nickname for it, let alone dozens like “Po-Po” or “Porty-Morty, My Handsome Little Soldier.” Still, I’ve definitely spent some happy hours curled up on the couch with it, and that’s not too shabby.
Please don’t get mad at me. I love this album! Some of the songs on it altered my brain chemistry on a fundamental level! Honestly, these top three are basically a 1A/1B/1C situation, but the ancient rules of ranking require me to put them into some kind of hierarchy. See, the system is to blame, not me. In any case, I’ll take Mercer’s advice. I will not betray the way I’ve always known it is: I probably listened to the “Garden State” soundtrack more times than “Oh, Inverted World,” and I don’t feel that bad about it.
I’ll admit, a lot of my affection for “Wincing the Night Away” might have to do with the fact that I was a teenager going through my vinyl phase when it was released. Despite any hipster prejudice I might have had in favor of the rapidly-warping record sitting in direct sunlight on my bookshelf, it’s a great album. It still feels like it’s in the same vein as its two predecessors but with significantly better production. The band’s next two albums would see the dismissal of long-time members, and The Shins have never really felt the same since. So, if anyone is looking to buy a lovingly-used copy of this wonderful record, drop me a line.
It is just about impossible for me to listen to “Kissing the Lipless” and not follow through with a full-album listen of “Chutes Too Narrow.” From the moment those goofy little claps play in the intro, I am totally hooked. This is an earnest opinion, but I’ll admit that it’s a take that gave me a ton of indie cred in high school. “Oh, you like The Shins? Me, too! Except all of my favorite songs are from the album you’ve never even heard of, poser. Don’t worry; I’ll help you. You can take one of my earbuds and we’ll listen to it together. Please don’t look at my face during the bridge of “Young Pilgrims.” I will be crying.”
