Opinion: Let’s See That Thirteen Year Old Who Beat Tetris Fit My 12-Piece Drum Set In My Ford Fiesta

Posted on by Ryan Clark

I bet you think you’re a big man now, don’t you? But guess what, just because you are the first and only person in human history to ever accomplish something it doesn’t mean you are special! There are more things in life than pushing the limits of human potential, and in the real world, baggage doesn’t clear itself up just because you put it away neatly. Because, unlike Tetris, the real world is not all ages.

You think you’re the shit because you beat Tetris once? Try doing that in six different cities in a week with a bass player who keeps bringing you a snare drum when it’s obvious the wind chimes need to go in first! And unlike you, I don’t have the advantage of knowing which piece his coked-up ass is going to bring me next!

My trunk barely has enough room for one bass drum and I’m working with four! My tags have been expired for 2 years and I can’t check to see if a cop is behind me because high hats are blocking all of my mirrors!

You successfully fit bricks into a small space and become a viral sensation! I successfully fit all my drums in my car and I’m suddenly getting yelled at because my girlfriend needs to drive herself to the show now!

So go ahead and keep thinking you’re the shit! Because one day you’re gonna learn! The world is not a kind place, and sooner or later it’s going to grab you and blow you right in the cartridge!

Jack White Severely Sunburned by Buffet Heat Lamp

Posted on by Chris Bratton

LANCASTER, Pa. — Jack White, formerly of the White Stripes, was spotted outside of the Shady Maple Smorgasbord receiving treatment by EMTs after suffering second-degree burns caused by the glow of the buffet heat lamps, concerned sources confirmed.

“Being around fiery red heat bulbs I knew I was going to need the strongest sunblock, stronger than the stuff Marlon Brando lathers his face with in the remake of The Island of Doctor Moreau. But then I saw the line thin out at the carving station and instinctively ran in and grabbed a plate, it’s the country’s largest buffet, when you get a window for prime rib you plug in,” White laughed. “These are just battle wounds I cooled off at the sundae bar!”

Several staff members reveled in hosting a famous musician but seemed slightly confused by his enthusiasm.

“I was so stoked to talk to him about the Detroit scene when he was coming up but he just kept thanking me and asking how we do it. I don’t even cook anything,” Troy Grisette the establishment’s dishwasher elaborated. “I came in after a cig break to see if he would advise me on my pedal board layout, and at this point the burns on his face were oozing. I think the EMTs dunked him in a barrel of aloe. I know he must have been in excruciating pain but he was still beaming with excitement, and also holding up boxes of takeout food, shouting about how nobody ever gets to take food home from here. He kept referring to the experience as a ‘net positive,’ it was real fucking weird.”

Dr. Amy Lawrence, a dermatologist who specifically treats musicians expanded upon the incident.

“Most musicians don’t see much sunlight due to their lifestyle so they must be careful. Jack especially, because he has the skin tone of a bowl of milk mixed with hospital linens, said Dr. Lawrence. “I recommend sunblock for bright lamps, any situation around reflective surfaces, IMAX theaters, display screens on the Apple Watch, pretty much just always. Drink water, lotion up, and apply it so thick that bugs get stuck inside the excess goo when you walk around! I told Bob Dylan the consequences of a bad skin routine and now he looks like a California raisin come to life.”

After the interview, White heeded his doctor’s orders and went to the pharmacy to pick up prescription strength sunblock, aloe, and various moisturizers. Unfortunately, he was then very badly burned by the humming fluorescent lights of CVS.

Ticketmaster Somehow Charges $7.99 Service Fee for Secret Green Day Show on Subway Platform

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local entertainment ticketing conglomerate Ticketmaster was inexplicably able to charge a $7.99 service fee for each MTA rider who saw Green Day perform a secret set on a New York City subway platform, outraged sources confirmed.

“I was just trying to go home from work when all a sudden I swiped my metro card and was charged like five times the normal amount. I now understand why some people jump over the turnstile. It’s clearly to avoid Ticketmaster fees,” said Manhattan resident Jules Pennington. “Not to mention there was a $2.99 rat and large insect handling fee as well as a $1.99 fee for something called ‘just in case Jimmy Fallon shows up for some reason too.’ Can’t anyone just casually see a legendary band perform on New York City public transportation on a Tuesday to garner social media attention anymore? I guess not. Times have really changed.”

Ticketmaster executive Rory Glenn defended their decision to charge for the secret show.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. All we did was rig the Metropolitan Transportation Authority system to pay us a small handful of fees whenever a world-renowned band plays on one of their platforms,” said Glenn before cackling for several uninterrupted minutes. “It could be worse, we could also charge extra fees whenever those buskers play at any subway station across the tri-state area. We wouldn’t want to come across as greedy or anything though. Regardless, it’s like that saying we always refer to in corporate meetings: If a band plays in the woods and no one is around to charge service fees, did they really play? The answer is clearly no. This has been our mission statement since the beginning.”

Experts were quick to note Ticketmaster’s power over the music industry.

“It doesn’t matter where a band is playing or in what context, this company is going to charge you unnecessary fees,” said music historian Gabriel Huntington. “It’s just like whenever you’re watching a live performance of a band on YouTube or late night show. Ticketmaster will somehow add additional service fees to your internet or cable bill as a result of your viewing. In fact, 75% of inflation is due to Ticketmaster adding extra fees to everyday items. They somehow connect them to music. No one knows how they do that, but those that can do something about it don’t seem to care. We are all screwed.”

At press time, Ticketmaster also charged extra fees on all coffee orders at a local cafe where members of Green Day were spotted after the subway platform gig, despite the band not even performing.

Punk Kid Sets up Sharpie Tattoo Shop in Playground Tunnel

Posted on by Nat Hrvatin

PITTSBURGH — Trailblazing tattoo artist, entrepreneur, and fourth-grade student, Sammy “Slugman” Sluggins opened up a discreet semi-permanent Sharpie-based tattoo shop in a tunnel located on the playground at the Longbrook Intermediate School, confirmed multiple sources getting black ink all over the place.

“I dunno. I found a Sharpie on the ground and felt like drawing stuff. After my first two clients it really took off just by word of mouth,” Slugman revealed when asked about his inspiration behind the innovative shop. “And soon enough, I got customers lined all the way to the swingsets, looking to trade bags of Doritos for whatever I felt like tattooing on them. I got so busy I had to close my books until after summer break. Some people are mad that I haven’t responded to their ‘Will you tattoo me? Yes or No’ notes, but I promise I’ll get to everyone eventually.”

Although praised by all his classmates, Slugman’s work raised some controversy in the community when PTA president, Mary Roseum, shared her disdain for the tattoo shop.

“My son, Fitz, came home yesterday with the most disgusting thing on his wrist,” Roseum stated while scrubbing off a Sharpie tattoo of a planet under the words: UR ANUS. “Then today, my sweet but impressionable boy stole all the chips from our pantry to pay for a Sharpie sleeve of solar system tattoos and now I want that Slugman kid stopped. What these children don’t realize is that ink can stay visible for up to eight days. They aren’t thinking about the long-term ramifications or how their grandmother will react.”

Longbrook’s principal, Dale Damiano, addressed requests to have the Sharpie tattoo shop shut down immediately and Slugman suspended.

“As Mr. Sluggins has not broken the student code of conduct, I do not feel any punishment is necessary. His shop is a creative endeavor that I support wholeheartedly,” Damiano announced while concealing with his pant leg what appeared to be a Sharpie tattoo on his ankle depicting Shrek belching out the motto: LIVING THAT SWAMP LYFE. “However, some parents will be happy to know that Mr. Sluggins’s shop was closed due to a hornet infestation.”

At press time, Slugman announced plans to re-open for business in the wobbly bridge in his neighborhood park, as the ever-moving surface will create organic, spontaneous designs that he says will look “really cool.”

How to Explain to Your Parents that They Don’t Need to Comment on Every Facebook Post They See

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The way our parents engage on Facebook with the same excitement and wonder as we did in the mid-2000s is adorable. Though it’s now largely a wasteland of Minions memes and boomer humor cartoons, the olds still feel compelled to comment their inner monologues on every post they see. I mean it’s really bogging down the algorithm. Here are some helpful tips to reign in your parents’ commenting sprees.

Informing Them that Not All News is Good News

Even if you’re barely on Facebook nowadays, it’s still prudent for some people to post life news there especially if it’s something significantly tragic. Let your parents know clicking the care emoji is a simple enough gesture, and commenting with a list of all the animals that have died in their care is not an effective way to express sympathy,

This Isn’t Grandma’s Photo Album

We do miss leafing through physical photo albums, but then again we weren’t screaming “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY” or “BARBARA CALL ME” every time we turned a page. Ask them if they really, truly need to say anything about pictures of food or your second cousin’s ex-wife’s son’s piano recital.

Leaving Restaurant Reviews to the Professionals

If your folks take issue with the color of their servers hair/nails, advise them to keep that shit to themselves instead of dropping a missive on a restaurant’s page about professional attire unless they want their food spat in 100% of the time.

Murphy’s Law: Porn Edition

Make them repeat after you: Facebook is not Google. Get that in writing and notarized if you have to, as no one needs to know your dad’s porn search habits. Why after all these years they can’t differentiate a social media site and a search engine is shocking considering the latter predates Facebook by twenty fucking years.

Grammar Police, Arrest this Man

One would assume, after enduring so many rants about being taught how to write cursive, that our parents would grasp the concept of basic grammar. Maybe the effects of all that lead consumption have finally caught up to them, because a frightening majority of anyone over 50 can now only communicate via multiple ellipses and exclamation points. Inform your mom that if she needs to vent her frustration about our country’s immigration policies to a knitting group, maybe do so in a way that doesn’t make her look like she was raised by feral hill people. We’re pretty sure they make Hooked on Phonics for adults.

DIY Musician’s Appreciation of Different Genres Leads to Five Uniquely Terrible Solo Projects

Posted on by KC Jones

AUSTIN, Texas — Local musician Garrett Thompson’s attempt to explore diverse music genres resulted in five uniquely terrible solo projects which were met with embarrassment across the scene, confirmed multiple sources familiar with the situation.

“I usually just stick to my usual alternative stuff, but I thought to myself ‘I have a really eclectic taste’ I could probably do this stuff too. I’m kind of a music freak, I even listen to everything. It’s weird, but I’m like a weird guy, you know?” said Thompson before long-windedly listing the influences his music sounds like a pale imitation of. “I wanted to do a psych-folk thing like Neutral Milk Hotel, but if Aphex Twin was in the band and they were mixed with the nu-metal elements of Korn, all with a tinge of Coldplay layered deep in the roots. I’m also working on a ska project for the eventual sixth wave.”

However, Thomspon’s attempts to showcase his expansive taste and finally be taken seriously as a musician backfired when it became apparent that he just sort of sucks.

“He did this one EP and was calling it ‘experimental hip-hop’ but it sounds like he’s just ripping off JPEGMafia,” said longtime friend Tim Weaver. “We can normally tell what he’s been listening to based on his current ‘style.’ He was really into country music for like a week, so he released a song ‘America My Home’ that was all weird and patriotic, but that same month he did this solo noise thing where he made a song called ‘This Country Can Lick My Shit-Filled Ass,’ and honestly I don’t know which was worse. Garrett is a nice guy, I don’t want to discourage him from trying new things, but he should stop trying new things.”

Thompson’s experiments mixing different genres have received a lot of local attention, though it is overwhelmingly negative.

“You’d think he’d try getting good at one thing before jumping into like five other projects but it seems like he really can’t focus,,” said Gage “Bull” Rees, a scene mainstay and bouncer. “I see this all the time. Last year there was a person who tried doing ‘Jazz EDM,’ and it was so bad we had him arrested. I think he might actually still be in jail. Kids think it’s innovative to just mash a bunch of shit together but it’s usually unlistenable.”

Faced with the resounding criticism and public mockery of his diverse projects, Garrett reportedly decided to step away from the music scene altogether in order to “change the landscape of cinema” by writing a screenplay “that’s sort of like Tarantino, meets the MCU, meets A24.”

Local Band Starts Patreon in Bizarre Sexual Humiliation Ritual

Posted on by Andy Holt

AKRON, Ohio — Local post-punk band Blaque Tye started a Patreon page last week as part of an esoteric sexual humiliation fetish, in which their utter failure as artists will reportedly be put on display for everyone to see.

“We’re begging total strangers — just pleading, desperately — for help fulfilling our desire to succeed as a band, since we failed miserably to do it ourselves,” said frontman Greg Thune, fidgeting in his chair. “I gotta admit, we were skeptical… but it turns out Patreon is the ideal platform for musicians like us: pathetic little inferior worms, who just couldn’t get the job done.”

The new Patreon caps an escalating series of actions from the band to denigrate themselves publicly for sexual gratification, including a Facebook fan page with only 17 likes, a battle of the bands in which they received no votes, and a “mixtape release show” that drew two attendees — both of whom left after the first song.

“Man, it would be a shame if this Patreon failed to draw any money, and our complete frustration was laid bare in front of everyone we know. Fuck,” said Thune, jumping from his chair and shuffling awkwardly to the restroom. “You’ll have to excuse me.”

Those close to the band have been mostly supportive of the bizarre fetish, but some have voiced private reservations about this latest escalation.

“Look, I try to go along with Greg’s sexual needs, because I think it’s important to keep open communication as a partner,” said Jenn Thune, his wife and dominatrix of five years. “I mean, we’ve tried every sick sexual practice you can think of — whips, bondage, you name it. But starting a Patreon? That’s just too pathetic. I mean, have some dignity.”

At press time, Thune and his bandmates were last seen hungrily refreshing the Patreon page — which, they were excited to learn, had yet to attract a single patron.

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Bartender Has No Idea Regulars Consider Him a Close Friend

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Leo Radler, a bartender at local pub The Swampland, is completely unaware that many of the regular patrons of his place of employment consider him a close, trusted friend and confidante despite him rarely making eye contact, sources indicate.

“I’m at The Swamp[Land] five or six nights a week,” said Ethan Benz, a part-time contractor. “And about that many days, too. At first, Leo was just some guy who poured my 7 and 7s, but over the years, we’ve really bonded. When I got fired from my job roofing job, he was here for me. When my girlfriend dumped me for going to the bar too much, Leo was my guy. When the manager kicked me out for pissing on the floor, Leo let me back in a few days later. Really, he’s the only person that understands me.”

“I mean that literally,” Benz added. “When I get a few 7 and 7s in me, I slur pretty bad.”

Radler was shocked to find that many of his regulars, whom he keeps track of by their stool number in the POS, are that emotionally attached.

“Bartending at Swampland is just a gig for me,” said Radler while polishing a glass with a cloth. “I play keyboards in an acid jazz band, and we’re going to move up to Portland any day now. As far as I’m concerned, I come here, clock in, pour drinks, wipe up vomit on Fridays, and then I’m outta here. The fact that anyone here considers me a friend is deeply troubling. I’m just glad they stick to this dump instead of the bar where I get fucked up at.”

Sam Lopez, a communications consultant, says that it is extremely common for intoxicated barflies to imprint on the people who provide them with alcohol.

“People in the service industry often face this situation,” said Lopez. “Bartenders don’t know that they’re the emergency contact for the winos they serve, waiters don’t know they’re de-facto emotional support animals for picky eaters, and most therapists don’t realize that their clients have fallen in love with them, like my gorgeous and brilliant Dr. Pritchard-Smoot. The important thing to do is to set clear boundaries with these people to let them know that they’re just a client and not a close friend, confidante, advisor, mentor, protege, or someone who cares if they live or die.”

As of press time, Radler had made another lifelong friend by saying “have a good one” to a departing customer.

Help! I Recorded a Fart Through a Chase Bliss Pedal, and Now I’m Number One on Spotify’s Ambient Charts!

Posted on by John Danek

Oh no. No, no, no. This is bad. You gotta help me!

Here’s the backstory. I told my idiot friend Carl that his overpriced Chase Bliss effects pedals are the equivalent of autotune but for the creatively challenged. That pissed him off and he replied in a very mocking (and borderline offensive) voice that “if these pedals are sooooo easy to use and always produce suuuuuch good results, then use them to make something popular.”

So I set up his Beyerdynamic M160 ribbon mic and connected it to his Chase Bliss Blooper. I removed my pants and underwear, bent over, and gave Carl the thumbs up to press record. After about 30 seconds of tummy gurgling and ab flexing, I produced a fart so heinous that Carl vomited on the spot. But don’t worry, we used a pop filter on the mic so it came out unscathed; I’m no monster.

(Note to Carl: I would throw away that pop filter.)

For good measure, I took the audio from the Blooper and ran it through the Chase Bliss Habit and the Gen Loss MKii then sprinkled on some reverb from the CXM 1978. Is Carl fucking sponsored by them, or are they a legitimate cult? No matter, Carl is in unimaginable credit card debt.

Anyways, the results. My fart was transformed into a melancholic, nostalgic warble of undulating layers and textures. It sounded cool! Of course it did, that’s what these pedals do. But the problem is that anyone else with this pedal can do the exact same thing I just did; the device does most of the “songwriting” here, not my asscheeks.

Things took a turn when I uploaded the “song” via DistroKid. Within hours, Spotify added my composition (named “Flat You Lent, 1986”) to the top of their Ambient Relaxation playlist. And I just saw that I am the most-streamed ambient artist on the platform. Fuck.

Some guy named Brian Eno keeps calling me at 3 a.m. threatening to make me “the next Laraaji” and that “we will make new Oblique Strategies together.” Should I file a restraining order? And now a company called Ambient Church is trying to book me for a gig to fart in some old church in Los Angeles. I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure you go to hell for that. Especially since he pitched bringing in a children’s choir from the inner city.

So yeah. Chase Bliss pedals have ruined my life. But things could be worse: at least they’re not making Tubescreamer and Klon clones.

Indie Shazam Finds Song and Gatekeeps It From You

Posted on by Liam Stephenson

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — A new app called Sentry is being labeled as the industry’s “Indie Shazam” and is capable of identifying a song and gatekeeping it from users, confirmed sources who claimed to know the application before it was cool.

“It’s easy to use, and makes me feel like a total asshole,” claimed tech developer Clint Bordhum. “Just open the app, press ‘find song,’ and boom: Sentry will immediately search its massive database for whiny, eye-rolling excuses to avoid telling you the song you want. Our database has over 100,000 meticulously crafted phrases designed to make you give up, including, ‘They’re not on streaming services,’ ‘You wouldn’t like them,’ and a fan favorite, ‘You don’t know this song? They’re literally nominated for a non-televised Grammy.’ Only thing we have left to do is figure out who the target market for this thing is.”

Fred Burlington, a rabid indie music fan, is extremely happy with the app’s release.

“Thanks to Sentry, music is in a golden age again,” stated Burlington. “In the old days, if you heard a song in public and wanted to know what it was called, you were screwed. Nowadays, people have access to everything: the song, the artist, and what 15-year-old the singer brought on their 1972 tour. I blame that mainstream Shazam app for that. It pains me. I miss the era of explaining music to women at parties. Hopefully, this app will bring back the glory days of music conversations from 2008.”

Though Sentry has faced backlash for “encouraging exclusion,” psychologist and Northeast Iowa College professor Dr. Lippen defended the app’s social impact.

“Exclusion is good for the human brain,” argued Dr. Lippen. “If a kid walks up to another group of kids and asks to play basketball with them, they should say no. Remind the kid that he has flaws, and that nobody likes him, and that he sucks at basketball, and that he’s got a weird-looking neck. It builds character. Music is no different. Sentry is reminding us that some people have cool, niche music tastes that should never be shared with anyone no matter how much you want to make friends, and others that have thriving social lives. You can’t have both.”

At press time, Sentry earned nearly 500,000 downloads in just a week, though developers want users to know that they would “never sell out like that.”