Harm’s Way Frontman Spotted Atop Empire State Building Swatting Planes From Sky

Posted on by Tim Graham

NEW YORK — Muscle-bound Harm’s Way vocalist James Pligge scaled the Empire State Building and was seen attacking aircrafts that were sent to force him down, according to terrified spectators on the ground.

“He’s up there doing that hardcore ‘running man’ dance and batting those planes outta the air,” said Officer Herb Reynolds of the NYPD as he trained a spotlight on the rampaging Pligge. “First, we sent up a chopper with a negotiator on board, but Mr. Pligge did a roundhouse kick and sent it spiraling. Then the Air National Guard brought in these fighter jets, but he’s just obliterating them. Not for nuthin’, but this is what you get with this violent music. You’ll never see Michael Bublé up there, just sayin’.”

Harm’s Way manager James Vitalo says he gets nervous every time the band is booked to play a city with skyscrapers.

“He just can’t help himself,” said Vitalo as he dodged falling debris. “When he sees tall buildings, something snaps in him. He goes primal and starts climbing. We tried to tempt him to come down with a massive whey protein smoothie we mixed up in a cement truck, but no dice. James is a great hardcore frontman, but he’s also a maniac. The remaining shreds of his humanity are hanging by a thread. For instance, if he ever sees a big snake or crocodile, he gets an irresistible urge to wrestle it. We’re no longer welcome at most zoos around the country because of that.”

Cryptozoology expert Gus Hanford has ideas about the origins of Pligge’s bestial behavior.

“This latest incident gives more credence to my theory that Pligge is some kind of primitive half-man/half-beast that was likely captured during an expedition to a previously uncharted island,” said Hanford while taking a plaster cast of one of Pligge’s footprints. “I believe the buildings remind him of the tall, slender rock formations found where he’s from. That island would also be home to many presumedly extinct prehistoric creatures which Pligge would’ve fought with daily for survival. He no longer has an outlet for that aggression, so naturally things like this happen.”

At press time, the famished Pligge had been lured back to the ground by a gargantuan Chipotle burrito bowl delivered in the back of a dump truck, and managed to be on stage for the evening’s Harm’s Way performance in time.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Waiting For Our Offer Letter From GQ

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The world is in a constant state of change. Always evolving, flowing, and altering its shape. It’s time you get with the program and stop floundering in your old ways. One of the easiest things you can do to improve your compatibility with the modern zeitgeist is make some upgrades to your musical taste. Considering the fact that you’ve consistently bitched about how music hasn’t been good in nearly two decades, it’s likely the notion of being proven wrong is scary and overwhelming to you. That’s why we here at the Hard Times have consulted with our in-house experts to bring you eight of the best new tracks the internet has to offer. Throw these into the rotation and watch as your friends and loved ones suddenly want to associate with you again.

IDLES “Gift Horse”

IDLES frontman Joe Talbot has touted the band’s forthcoming effort ‘TANGK’ as a collection of love songs. Bearing this in mind, it comes as no surprise that their latest single ‘Gift Horse’ is a deranged, rowdy, and dissonant dance tune seemingly written about one hell of a racing stallion. Perhaps the lyrics are metaphorical, but until we get some decent liner notes upon the album’s release we can only assume that Talbot and company have a disturbing soft spot for equestrianism.

Modern Life Is War “End Times Dub”

Between 2018 and 2021, hardcore mainstays Modern Life Is War released a series of singles known as Tribulation Worksongs. Originally released on limited seven inches, the six songs that comprised the sessions have now been condensed into a single EP, with an added Urian Hackney dub remix of highlight “Feels Like End Times.” This is not only great news for vinyl enthusiasts that hate standing up repeatedly in between songs, but also for those who like their apocalyptic lyrics coupled with a bit more groove.

Laura Jane Grace “Birds Talk Too”

With less than a month until the release of Laura Jane Grace’s forthcoming LP, ‘Hole In My Head,’ the singer-songwriter has, well, graced us with one more earworm to tide us over. ‘Birds Talk Too’ – which was reportedly written on an elaborately painted guitar gifted to her by Japanese tattoo artist, Gakkin – is a ridiculously fun new-wavy bop that only Grace could sing. Be warned that we are not responsible for your impending inability to get the hellaciously catchy guitar riff out of your head once you hit play.

Adrianne Lenker “Sadness As A Gift”

Big Thief’s Adrianne Lenker just announced her fourth LP, ‘Bright Future,’ which is due out at the end of March. If you hear reports of unprecedented flooding around that time, keep in mind that global warming might not be the culprit, but rather the collective tears of all who dare to pick up a copy. Coupled with the announcement comes a new single ‘Sadness As A Gift’ which is an Americana-drenched ode to finding beauty in the aftermath of a romance grown cold. Despite its overall positive outlook, you should probably delete your ex’s number before listening.

Green Day “Bobby Sox”

Green Day just released their fourteenth studio album, ‘Saviors.’ You might be shocked to learn that it’s actually a pretty solid effort after what seemed like an endless slew of misses from the legendary pop-punk trio. To help usher in the album’s release the band dropped a surprise video for the song ‘Bobby Sox.’ In addition to being a refreshingly fun track and album highlight, its accompanying visual is a wholesome who’s who of a new generation of punk, featuring cameos from the Linda Lindas, Destroy Boys, Zulu, and a shit ton more. The kids are alright, and apparently Green Day is too.

The American Analog Set “What Are We Going to Tell Guy”

Early next month, lo-fi noise-pop legends The American Analog Set will release a 5-LP box set entitled ‘New Drifters.’ It will collect their first three albums and a bevy of studio outtakes. The latest outtake, ‘What Are We Going to Tell Guy,’ is a nearly 13-minute stroll through various soundscapes. It’s so calming that we’ve been quietly playing it during the frequent and violent altercations that occur in our writers’ room. It seems to be working so far, but we can’t emphasize how soon the rest of the box set needs to come out.

Arm’s Length “I Don’t Love You (My Chemical Romance Cover)”

Every fledgling emo band must go through several rites of passage before becoming embedded within the scene. While many of these rites are steeped in mystery and heavily guarded from the public, the covering of ‘Black Parade’ era My Chemical Romance is a well-known and essential practice. The quality of said cover can make or break a band’s entire career, so we’re happy to report Ontario up-and-comers Arm’s Length have really knocked it out of the park with their rendition of MCR’s classic ballad ‘I Don’t Love You.’

The Menstrual Cramps “Body Politics”

Last year was so jam packed with absolute jams that we were bound to miss a few, including The Menstrual Cramps excellent single ‘Body Politics,’ which was released back in November. The track carries on their legacy for patriarchy smashing political punk as it tackles societal gender norms with ferocity and a backbeat you could set a broken watch to. Imagine your Gender Studies professor at a rave and you might get close to the raw power the Menstrual Cramps exude.

We know you have a lot on your plate, and making a playlist is a monumental task to ask of you. That’s why we’ve taken the time to compile these and other songs in an ongoing playlist. It’s updated weekly so all you have to do is blindly follow it and let it warp you accordingly. You can click here to do just that! Thank us when you finally have some relevant bands to talk about.

TurboTax Adds New Feature to Show How Much Blood Users Have on Hands Just From Paying Taxes

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN DIEGO — Tax preparation software giant TurboTax announced a new feature that shows users exactly how much of their tax dollars are going to fund a war machine currently perpetrating genocide in Gaza, representatives confirmed.

“We understand a lot of people are frustrated about high taxes, often clenching their fists and screaming ‘What am I even paying for?’ when they see how much money is taken out of their paycheck. That’s where we come in. Our new Blood Calculator™ uses a proprietary algorithm to detail how every dollar you are taxed goes to build a new bomb or drone,” said TurboTax representative Alisha Omari. “And that’s just the free version. For an additional $99 our upgraded package will actually show you photos of the devastation your tax dollars funded that you won’t see anywhere in the media.”

Self-proclaimed conservative Alex Grunnel says he is excited to try the new software.

“I drive down the road and I see all these potholes, bridges falling apart, and trash everywhere and then I’m expected to fork over 25% of my income willingly? I won’t lie, it makes me think this country isn’t that great. And it kills me to say that because I love the flag more than I love my own daughters,” said Grunnel. “But now I’ll get to see the beautiful bombs America so graciously donates to countries we deem worthy so they can absolutely obliterate their enemies without any oversight or repercussions. This might be the first time I’ve looked forward to paying taxes.”

Tamanna Krish, a CPA based in Boston, says competing against corporate tax preparers is getting more difficult.

“When people come to me to do their taxes I don’t have access to Defense Department spending numbers so I can’t give them the same detailed explanation of how their money is being used to kill civilians seeking safety,” said Krish. “H&R Block just rolled out a new feature that shows clients how their taxes fund local police departments and that means H&R Block can basically corner the middle-aged white man market. A lot of my clients tend to be a bit more progressive and believe this is a waste of their money. So after I prepare their taxes I offer a service where I suggest other countries they can move to where taxes fund social services that benefit the people living there, and far less money gets spent on bombing foreign lands.”

At press time, TurboTax announced a new premium package that will show detailed information about how individual taxes are being used to abuse migrants at the Mexico border.

How to Work Out Using Just The Crushing Weight of Your Own Existence

Posted on by Kelley Greene

Want to squeeze in a workout, but not really in the mood to go to the gym?

This helpful guide will provide you with an easy workout you can do right now, in your home, with the heaviest thing you have available — the crushing weight of your own existence. No equipment necessary!

Start by Standing up and Reaching Both Arms Above Your Head

Reach, reach, reach and try to grab ahold of the nagging thought that your one wild and precious life on this Earth is being spent on the Sisyphean task of working 40 hours a week selling things to other humans just to make enough money to buy the things that other humans are working 40 hours a week to sell.

Lower Your Arms as You Begin to Drop Down Into a Squat

Think about the coffee you had this morning. Consider the person who made it for you, the person who delivered the beans, the person who grew those beans, and their lives. They are toiling away simply to provide you with a little treat and you have the nerve to complain about Netflix raising their rates? But if you hadn’t bought the treat, how would they survive? The cycle is endless, like a hamster perpetually spinning in its wheel.

Keep Squatting Down, Down, and Stretch Forward Into a Plank Position

Hold your arms steady and try to keep yourself up while you remember that beyond your monotonous day job, you’ve been making art for years and sharing it online in an attempt to connect — but it’s falling into a massive ocean of human content that will never be acknowledged as society’s attention span continues to wither and die.

You Know What, Just Go Ahead and Lower Your Body Until You’re Face Down on the Floor

What’s the point in doing anything, really, when this physical body will inevitably cease to exist at some unpredictable point in the future? Close your eyes and remember that you’re a tiny speck on a giant rock, hurtling through space at thousands of miles an hour, infinitely moving from dawn to dusk as the universe glides toward entropy.

And that’s it! You’ve done it. Now hop up and try to go about your day normally. Do another workout tomorrow when your AirPods die the second you sit down on the bus, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Guitarist Showing Riffs to New Guy Unaware He’s Training His Replacement

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NEW YORK — Darren Gunderly, longtime guitarist for local doom metal band Lizard Fire, is blissfully unaware of the fact that the new guy at rehearsal he is showing the band’s songs to is actually his replacement, sources report.

“When we talked about the idea of getting a third guitar player, I was immediately super stoked about it even though it makes zero sense,” Gunderly explained as he put all of his gear into a box to be taken away. “Apparently, not only is this guy super talented and can catch on fast, the other guys say his gear is way better than mine, and is taking my old spot in the jam space. When I showed him ‘Bongbone Wasteland,’ our stoner anthem, he had it down on the first try! I can’t wait to see where Lizard Fire goes next, or where I’ll be setting up in the rehearsal space.”

Current Lizard Fire rhythm guitarist Shane Algieri says he doesn’t have the heart to tell Gunderly he’s been axed.

“It is really, really sad to see Darren just going along teaching the new guy everything he knows while totally unaware he’s toast. We thought he might get the hint when we asked him to stand out in the hallway during practice, but he just thought it was a unique way to focus on his playing,” Algeri explained. “But, on the other hand, I don’t have the patience nor the time to teach any newbies, so to hell with him. Besides, he would always be so sober compared to the rest of us on stage. It made us look bad. So good riddance!”

Music historian Robert Lucas says musicians working themselves out of a job is as common as you would expect.

“Many famous musicians have fallen victim to this very situation, even going back as far as the late 19th and early 20th centuries,” Lucas explained. “World renown folk singer Joe Hill probably had it the worst out of all of them, as his songs encouraging labor reform and Union activity worked him out of life itself. Little did he know that his songs would lead him to the firing squad. Sort of makes the P.M.R.C. look pretty tame in comparison.”

At press time, a confused Gunderly was heard asking his bandmates how changing the locks on their rehearsal space was supposed to improve the direction of the band.

 

Photo by Ian Charbeneau

Biden Sends Fundraising Email Asking Nation for Help Remembering White House WiFi Password

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — Democratic donors recently received a plea from the Biden campaign featuring a direct appeal from the President asking for assistance connecting his computer to the White House’s wireless network, sources confirm.

“It’s honestly getting annoying,” said Adrian Daniels, a frequent campaign volunteer who signed up for the Biden administration’s mailing list during the 2020 election. “Just last week, he said he needed help updating his anti-virus. It turns out that the license for the free premium demo was running out. We tried to explain that the basic protection plan would still work, but he said that he kept getting pop-ups about it. And don’t even get me started about the robo-calls asking us which TV remote he’s supposed to use when he wants to watch a DVD.”

President Biden issued a follow-up statement clarifying the email.

“Folks, let me be clear,” said President Biden through an aide who can type faster than 40 words per minute. “I have already tried the password posted on the refrigerator. I tried it once with big letters and once with small letters. It didn’t work. I think maybe one of you changed it the last time you were at the White House. I’m not blaming you. I just need your help. I do a jazz hour on the Alexa every night at seven, and she keeps telling me that she can’t connect. This should never happen in America.”

Presidential historians noted that this is not the first time that voters have been taken off-guard by unconventional outreach strategies.

“Of course, President Reagan was famous for his phone calls,” said Leona Wilson, professor of history at Columbia University. “Many Americans had the joy of picking up the phone during election season only to hear that familiar, kindly voice saying, ‘Hello, this is President Reagan, and I need your help. I don’t know where I am. There’s all these people around me who claim to be my staff, but I know they’re impostors. I think they’re trying to kill me.’ And we all remember President Clinton’s much more personal approach to persuading voters. It’s nice to see that type of communication evolving in the digital age.”

At press time, President Biden was able to successfully access the WiFi after his aide re-typed the exact password posted on the refrigerator.

What to Do When Caught in a Psychobilly Freakout

Posted on by Chris Jones

Once again you find yourself trapped in a Psychobilly Freakout and realize that it’s your last chance to escape before succumbing to a life where all your friends are fully-grown men who refer to themselves as cats. How did we get here? Maybe you were feeling nostalgic and replayed “Guitar Hero 2” only to discover that after 30 failed attempts of “Psychobilly Freakout” on Expert, you’re now so deep within the rockabilly scene that you’ve reached the point of no return. But it’s not too late! You don’t have to move to Encinitas, California and become a mechanic! Simply escape the psychobilly freakout using one of our tried and true methods.

Show Off Photos of Your Restored ’50s Convertible

The mob hopefully will then let you leave out of sheer respect for your ride. Beware that this can backfire though, and you very well could find yourself stuck facing off against multiple foes with soul patches in an on-the-spot car show while somehow still being trapped within the psychobilly freakout –like that movie Inception that we never understood, which is far worse.

Use a Pay Phone to Call Your Much Younger Girlfriend Sporting Black Bangs and Excessive Tattoos Saying Daddy-O Needs Rescuing Pronto

Just keep in mind you may have to bribe her with an offer to buy more bandanas or polka dot dresses that are way more expensive than they have any right to be. Sure, you’re already broke from driving a car that gets 5 miles per gallon and buying copious amounts of hair grease weekly, but hell—this could be your only ticket out of this pompadour hellhole after all, so don’t be stingy.

Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ’em

And by that we mean fucking all of them. Smoke so many damn throwback Lucky Strike cigarettes that you set off the fire alarm, using sprinklers to drown out the ‘50s surf guitar just long enough for the crowd to thin out and for you to beam your way to the malt shop just in time for your big date with Sally Williams, her dad’s wishes be damned.

Tell Everyone You’re Just Here to See Johnny Napalm

How were you supposed to know you were walking into an Eddie Knox show instead? Shout this repeatedly while forcing your way out and hopefully the crowd of wannabe Johnny Bravos will know you were expecting to hear a performance of ‘Search and Destroy’ instead of some deranged Dick Dale revival shit and obviously, therefore, don’t belong in the same room as these cat-calling animals.

Say a Quick Prayer to the Reverend Horton Heat

Rumor has it his psychobilly powers include to the ability to part a crowd akin to the way Moses parted the Red Sea. Sure, we only overheard this from a dude sporting an old leather jacket in between him asking for change to play jailhouse tunes on the ol’ jukebox at Smitty’s dive bar, but if you’ve tried step one through four already—what the fuck else do you have to lose?

Nu-Metal Conjoined Twins Born Connected by Dreadlock

Posted on by Courtney Hill

APPLETON, Wisc. — Hot Topic co-workers, Brandy Graff and Dilan Hoffstedter, were “hella stoked” to welcome healthy twin boys conjoined by a single dreadlock, into their life, hospital representatives reported.

“Watching my sons Phreak and Bizkit come into this world was like the nacho effect–ya know, where you grab one chip but then another is attached by melted cheese, except in this case it was two babies attached by a dreadlock,” Graff explained. “Being a new mom really changes you. Holding them for the first time made me think, ‘Ya know what, maybe I won’t let these bodies hit the floor.’ Maybe they’ll be guitarists like Munky and Head, or maybe they’ll just smash their faces against trash cans like Clown and, um, the other clown. Either way, we couldn’t be prouder!”

Neonatal surgeon and die-hard nu-metal fan, Dr. Humboldt “Nuggz” Penwick, weighed the pros and cons of separation.

“From a medical standpoint, it would be the easiest separation of conjoined twins ever, any classroom scissors will do. But that would risk ruining their unique creative bond,” said Humboldt. “When one of them thinks of a dope riff or sick breakdown, the other will instantly know it. We haven’t seen this level of hard rock rapport since the Cavalera brothers,” said Dr. Penwick. “As long as they keep a steady diet of Slim Jims and Code Red the dread will grow with them. They’ll obviously have to start off playing small gigs, but by the time the dread is 25 feet long they’ll be ready to completely destroy the main stage at Knotfest.”

Hoffstedter, however, wasted no time abandoning the twins forever without saying goodbye.

“I want my sons to thrive, and we all know a two-parent household is no place for nu-metal greatness,” he said while taking a hit of his flavored vape before getting in his 2002 Buick. “These kids are gonna have a hard life, but the best musicians all do. Their condition will bring them much fame on the internet, and while I want only the best for them, it’s probably better for all of us if I hit the road and literally go buy cigarettes.”

At press time, Graff is currently dating all of Mudvayne, while Hoffsteder was last seen tricking a Spencer’s Gifts cashier into paying for his Panda Express orange chicken.

Pitchfork Editor Forced to Review Cigars for GQ Calls La Aroma de Cuba Mi Amor Belicoso “Sonically Challenged” and “Derivative”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former Pitchfork Editor Adam Rhodes admitted he was struggling in his new role reviewing cigars after his previous employer merged with GQ Magazine, confirmed sources currently bragging about partying with Jacob Elordi.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be employed but cigars aren’t my area of expertise. If GQ wants an extensive write-up on boygenius I could do that for days, in fact, I keep pitching them on a piece called ‘The Wonderful Mind of Phoebe Bridgers’ and they said if I bring it up again they are going to beat the shit out of me,” said Rhodes. “On my first day, they made me try five different cigars and I threw up for an hour. I’m used to smoking clove cigarettes and doing some light cocaine on weekends, but this is completely foreign to me. Not to mention I hacked off a piece of my fingertip with the stupid cigar cutter and passed out when I saw the blood. Now everyone in the office is calling me the ‘Patron Faint of Cigars.'”

Longtime GQ Editor Kevin DeLaste says many Pitchfork writers have had trouble adjusting to their new roles.

“Adam’s first piece for us was about the best ties for men for 2024 and he used the word ‘angular’ 175 times. And that seems to be the case with most of the staff we brought over from Pitchfork, we had one of them write up a piece on the Tesla Cybertruck and within two sentences it turned into an article about how Frank Ocean’s ‘Blonde’ was ahead of its time,” said Delaste. “We also had to institute a new policy where if you listen to Neutral Milk Hotel you have to do it wearing headphones and you are not allowed to sing along. It was a huge distraction to our team working on a feature about the gadgets Chris Hemsworth can’t live without.”

Online publishing industry insiders say you can expect a lot more of this as major brands continue to struggle in today’s market.

“Social media platforms have basically destroyed online media. Pitchfork is just one of many brands you will see go under within the next few years. Don’t be surprised when you see Wired being merged with Vogue to create one of the most confusing workplaces ever created,” said media analyst Donna Lando. “Brands owned by media giants cannot be saved at this point, but you can support independent publishers very easily by sharing their stories, reading the articles, or even subscribing to their Patreon.”

At press time, multiple former Pitchfork employees were forced to meet with HR to explain all the favorable coverage they gave to Kanye West over the years.

Florida Legislature Changes Official State Bird to Parrot They Taught to Say The N-Word

Posted on by Stephen Bell

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida’s state legislature is once again making waves nationwide after changing their official state bird from the Northern mockingbird to a parrot they taught to say the N-word as their bird representative, confused, but not surprised, sources confirmed.

“This bird is one of the smartest birds I have ever encountered,” stated Florida Governor Ron Desantis. “Parrots are some of the only birds that are unwilling to give into the woke mind virus that corrupts those other loonie birds also known as Democrats. It is constantly speaking its mind and I think does well to represent the good people of Florida that I actually pretend to care about. And yes some people might claim that it’s racist for us to do this, but the parrot has red feathers which I think technically makes it a bird of color or something thus giving it the N-word pass.”

The Republican-controlled legislature expressed how giddy they were to officially make this change.

“When this parrot first flew into our legislative halls we thought it needed to be removed quicker than a Mexican migrant from our state because they’re both invasive species as far as I’m concerned,” said Florida House Speaker Paul Renner. “However, after failing to catch the bird for hours on end we sort of put up with it. Eventually it started to pick up on some of the phrases it heard us saying and pretty soon it was dropping more hard R’s than an episode of ‘Sesame Street’ if it was directed by Ben Shapiro. It was the funniest thing ever and we knew we had to make this our state bird.”

Florida State professor of Ornithology Robin Barns was less than excited to hear about the change that was being made here.

“You know for a group of people who constantly complain about ‘destroying history’ they sure seemed to have no issue changing the state bird when it advanced a racist agenda,” said Barns quite peeved. “This honestly feels like an act of animal cruelty because unlike what Mr. Desantis has said, these birds don’t actually know the meanings of the words they’re saying and aren’t ‘speaking their minds.’ I mean if I taught a parrot to say ‘Ron Desantis wears high heels and drinks his own piss’ then he’d probably put it on trial and give it the death penalty. This parrot’s ‘free speech’ is sure to be limited to only phrases they agree with.”

At press time, it was shown that the Florida legislature had set a trend as the people of Scottsdale, Arizona elected a dog that only barks at black people as their mayor.