NEW YORK — Muscle-bound Harm’s Way vocalist James Pligge scaled the Empire State Building and was seen attacking aircrafts that were sent to force him down, according to terrified spectators on the ground.
“He’s up there doing that hardcore ‘running man’ dance and batting those planes outta the air,” said Officer Herb Reynolds of the NYPD as he trained a spotlight on the rampaging Pligge. “First, we sent up a chopper with a negotiator on board, but Mr. Pligge did a roundhouse kick and sent it spiraling. Then the Air National Guard brought in these fighter jets, but he’s just obliterating them. Not for nuthin’, but this is what you get with this violent music. You’ll never see Michael Bublé up there, just sayin’.”
Harm’s Way manager James Vitalo says he gets nervous every time the band is booked to play a city with skyscrapers.
“He just can’t help himself,” said Vitalo as he dodged falling debris. “When he sees tall buildings, something snaps in him. He goes primal and starts climbing. We tried to tempt him to come down with a massive whey protein smoothie we mixed up in a cement truck, but no dice. James is a great hardcore frontman, but he’s also a maniac. The remaining shreds of his humanity are hanging by a thread. For instance, if he ever sees a big snake or crocodile, he gets an irresistible urge to wrestle it. We’re no longer welcome at most zoos around the country because of that.”
Cryptozoology expert Gus Hanford has ideas about the origins of Pligge’s bestial behavior.
“This latest incident gives more credence to my theory that Pligge is some kind of primitive half-man/half-beast that was likely captured during an expedition to a previously uncharted island,” said Hanford while taking a plaster cast of one of Pligge’s footprints. “I believe the buildings remind him of the tall, slender rock formations found where he’s from. That island would also be home to many presumedly extinct prehistoric creatures which Pligge would’ve fought with daily for survival. He no longer has an outlet for that aggression, so naturally things like this happen.”
At press time, the famished Pligge had been lured back to the ground by a gargantuan Chipotle burrito bowl delivered in the back of a dump truck, and managed to be on stage for the evening’s Harm’s Way performance in time.