Ageism? Nobody at This Party Cares That I Saw Bane in a Basement in ‘98

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I’m not a gatekeeper. Hardcore is for everybody. But I just casually dropped that I saw Bane in a basement in Allston back in ’98, and nobody said a damn thing.

What? Because I’m 42 I’m not “scene” enough? The fuck? Do these kids not get it? Bane. BANE. And not on some weak-ass reunion tour bullshit. This was before “It All Comes Down to This.” And it was early ’98, so it was just 7 inches at this point. No EP. Was Turnstile even born yet?

Respect your hardcore elders, ya fucks. I don’t care whose party this is, or how many times I’m told “This isn’t a party, this is an open-casket wake and we are calling the cops.” I’m gonna make sure that everyone knows the significance of me cornering Aaron Dalbec in a musty basement while I tell him about the band I want to start. Just because I’m 47, doesn’t mean I’m not down.

Are you ready for this? My buddy Tommy from Brockton, god rest his soul, was also there, and he was talking about how he wanted to do something important with his life, and I said, “Tommy, you should GIVE BLOOD.” Bedard was definitely within earshot, and then 3 years later they released which album? You’re welcome. I’m not looking for credit, but somebody should recognize me for what I did.

Meanwhile, everyone at this party keeps telling me I’m being “disruptive” and “nobody knows who you are. why are you here?” And “please leave this Stop & Shop immediately.” Can you believe this shit? You know there was an age when guys like me were looked upon with respect. You could say “Yeah I saw Bane back in the day” and people would respond “That’s awesome” and “Tell me more stories about how you saw bands that are now very popular, long before they became so popular.” But now that I’m 51, everybody’s looking at their phones and telling me “You can’t show up to an elementary school production of the ‘Pirates of Penzance’ if you don’t have a kid here.”

Speaking of which, kids these days are so fucking soft. In my day hardcore was all about welcoming anybody who cared about the music, regardless of where they came from or what they believed. But now it’s all about being “inclusive”, whatever the fuck that woke shit means.

What was I talking about? Right, seeing the Cro-Mags at CBGB’s in ’85. Hell of show.

Child Laborer at Fast Fashion Warehouse Can’t Keep Up with Metallica Partnerships

Posted on by Zac Lux

BANGLADESH — Representatives overseeing child employees of the most successful garment factory in the country reported the illegal laborers can’t keep up with the production of Metallica branded clothing.

“It’s just too much,” said 8-year-old Aijaz Biswas, one of the more senior members of the Child Laborer Division at H&M’s garment factory. “We have to cut and sew this stuff so fast that my hands feel like they are on fire. My shredded, bloody fingers aren’t the worst part of this job, they will heal. It’s the terrible art printed on all the shirts? It will stay with me for life. Talk about salt to the wound. My manager says if we can produce 75% more product this year then the band will send us a video message thanking us. But I don’t know who these guys are, and I wish they would stop touring so we can slow down a little.”

Members of Metallica don’t see a problem with utilizing child laborers to produce clothes emblazoned with their branding.

“I mean, come on,” said Kirk Hammett, lead singer and guitarist. “We’re giving these kids an opportunity. How sick is it that they get to work for the most kickass metal band ever to grace the earth? It’s great for their resumes, and think about it, by the time they reach a more appropriate age to work jobs on the business side of the music industry, they’ll already have decades of experience working for mother fucking Metallica, baby! Besides all that, there’s no way we can survive rocking all these stadiums without the financial catalyst of these crappy t-shirts sold at fast-fashion outlets to teenage girls. We would starve otherwise.”

According to high-level executives at various cheap fashion stores, the “Metallica Effect” is mutually beneficial in that it makes everyone but the child laborers boatloads of money.

“If Metallica didn’t exist, our company would have gone down the drain a long time ago,” said Daniel Ervér, President of multinational fast fashion clothing store H&M. “We aren’t the only ones who rely on Metallica to survive. Forever 21, Zara, Shein, I could go on and on. The relationship between fast fashion companies and Metallica is so symbiotic now, we need them to continuously crank out these sub-par albums, just as much as they need us to keep producing sub-par articles of clothing for them to sell at 100 times the cost of production in every mall in the West.”

At press time, Lars Ulrich was too busy drafting a lawsuit against someone who made NFTs slightly referencing their shirts to comment.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Beyoncé Forgot To Cover On ‘Cowboy Carter’

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

You read it right, we’re using a superstar album drop in the title of this one to shamelessly boost engagement. But admit it, you can only listen to that “Jolene” cover so many times in a row, though, so here are our humble suggestions for Ms. Yonce to consider for her next magnum opus.

St. Vincent “Flea (ft. Dave Grohl)”

Our close personal friend Annie Clark is at it again with another off-kilter fuzz-rock single, this time featuring our other close personal friend Dave Grohl. “Flea” pinballs between paranoid, mellow, and grungy effortlessly in only a way St. Vincent can pull off without falling into total chaos. We will be waiting outside her house for the full album with bated breath, and our tent is open to visitors for a small fee.

Snarls “Heavy Drinker”

Ohio’s own “Lover Girl” indie-rock sweethearts Snarls just recorded an album produced by Chris Walla, and “Heavy Drinker” is an extremely promising sneak peek of what’s to come. Dreamy, shimmering harmonies soar in this delightfully catchy ‘90s vibe-fest that would be right at home in an alternate universe where Alvvays did the soundtrack to “10 Things I Hate About You,” or a really good banned episode of “Daria.” Either way, we are tuned the fuck in.

Heading North “Toss/Turn”

Pittsburgh is known for odd shit like toilets in the basement with no walls around them and french fries on top of a wedge of iceberg lettuce masquerading as a salad. What they should be known for, however, is their impressive and varied local music scene, including pop-punk shitkickers Heading North. Their new single “Toss/Turn” contains gorgeous vocals over deeply hooky driving guitars reminiscent of Paramore’s best work. Play this one when staring out the car window while it rains, which, in Pittsburgh, is 99% of the year.

Castle Rat “Fresh Fur”

Have you ever looked at your collection of high fantasy softcore pornography and thought, “Man, I wish this Frank Frazetta painting turned into a band”? Then have we got the crew for you. Brooklyn’s self-proclaimed “medieval fantasy doom metal” group Castle Rat took the aesthetics and lore of the nerdiest ‘80s subcultures and infused them with some sort of Fu Manchu meets Ruby the Hatchet sexy magic. “Fresh Fur” is your soundtrack for the next time you need to climb a mountain made of skulls.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy…, Courtney LaPlante “To The Dance Floor For Shelter”

The internet keeps calling SeeYouSpaceCowboy… “sasscore” for some reason, and while we are way too fucking old to know what that means, we are definitely on board with whatever it is they’re doing these days. The first single off their forthcoming full-length “Coup de Grâce” featuring Courtney LaPlante is an intoxicating mix of mid-aughts emo theatricality, haunted house instrumentals, and brutally gritty screams. This should not work, and yet, we’re on listen number 15 in the last few hours.

Stand Still “Mysticism”

Long Island’s pop punk/emo outlet Stand Still has somehow managed to craft a stellar single that could frankly be a forgotten “Tell All Your Friends” B-side, complete with introspective lyrics, energetic drumming, and stellar syncopated riffs. We can almost see our old desktop computer’s Windows Media Player visualizer when we listen to “Mysticism,” and will gladly accept this type of auditory time travel in the future.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Cost of Living Too High? Here’s How I Bought a Gorilla Suit and Started Squatting at the Zoo

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Have you ever gone on Zillow to fantasize about your dream house? And then searched a cheaper area after you realized your dream house is too expensive? Oh look, there’s one you could maybe afford someday if you want to live in that Ohio town where the train derailed and poisoned the water. How about this one? Wait no, that’s an empty plot of land on a nuclear testing field. Maybe that one? Nope, that’s just a pop-up ad for the San Diego Zoo.

And you wonder, what are your options really? You work a stable full-time job and it’s still not enough to afford rent, let alone a house someday. And the primates in that ad looked really peaceful roaming on that spacious grassland.

Here are the steps I took to secure myself alternative housing while impersonating a zoo gorilla:

Step 1: Give Up

Accept that there really is no other option. You’ve tried looking up DIY tiny house tutorial videos. As a last resort, you’ve stared at the abandoned ice cream truck across the street and wondered if it could fit a mattress inside and how badly you’dd be injured trying to get the raccoons out of there. But let’s be real: you have no idea how to build anything, you don’t own a mattress, and those raccoons would use their tiny fists to beat you to a pulp. It’s clear what must be done.

Step 2: Buy a Gorilla Suit

A high-quality suit is a good investment here, but I imagine that isn’t an option for many of you. I was only able to afford a Party City gorilla suit. I’m hoping that I can make up for what the suit lacks with a very passionate acting performance. If that doesn’t cut it and I get caught, I’ll just say that the whole thing was a performance art piece to protest capitalism.

Step 3: Break Into a Zoo

The downside of residing near a major city is the absurdly high cost of living. But the plus side is that there are usually a few zoos in the area to choose from. Make sure you pick one that has a gorilla exhibit. It seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people screw this part up.

There are a few disadvantages to my new lifestyle: Harambe (no relation) won’t let me on the climbing apparatus during enrichment time. I accidentally used my AirPods, and a zookeeper saw. But instead of discovering that I’m a human, he assumed that gorillas are just evolving at a quicker rate. I think scientists are coming to study me, and I overheard that Jane Goodall might even be visiting on Thursday. And the worst part of all is that I still can’t figure out how to get that damn banana out of the puzzle feeder.

But it’s still a lot less stressful than my previous living arrangement.

Just do it. Go apeshit. Be free.

Nation Once Again Agrees That Easter Candy Made of Exact Same Ingredients as Regular Candy Tastes Better Due to Shape

Posted on by Peter Woods

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Consumers across the nation broadly agreed that easter candy tastes better than regular candy despite being made of the same ingredients, sources experiencing a sugar coma confirmed.

“People are always surprised by this,’” said Juliette Chung of the National Institute for Dietary Trend Research. “But take Heath Bars as an example. Eating one is technically the closest experience we have to biting down on a mummy’s thumb that also has rocks in it. But if you imagine eating one in the shape of a rabbit, it actually sounds kind of appetizing. A Reese’s egg will hit much harder than a simple peasant Reese’s cup.”

While many journalists and national pundits have claimed that Easter candy is made of different ingredients, food scientists have disproved this theory.

“We’ve run every possible test on these candies we could think of,” said organic chemist Shauna Frye. “We’ve done every kind of spectral and chemical analysis available to the scientific community. There’s absolutely no difference. But when we tried a piece of Hershey’s special dark chocolate in the shape of an egg, our taste buds damn near gave us an orgasm. Basically, all we did was prove that our 26 billion dollar lab is useless and that we might as well burn the place down and start over.”

With this improvement in flavor scientifically proven, many have called on candy companies to produce Easter shaped candy all year. However, corporations have been reluctant.

“There’s a pretty serious danger in doing Easter shapes year-round,” said Lean Collins of Mars, Inc. “Environmental agencies have repeatedly told us that if our candy tasted that damn good all the time, our sales would skyrocket to the point of over-production and we could potentially deplete the world of all of its food resources within 15 months. So making our candy in shitty-tasting shapes is actually how we give back to the planet.”

In a joint statement, representatives have confirmed that Just Born Candy Company will only make peeps in the shape of chicks, and Cadbury will continue to make cream eggs to trick people into thinking they are eating something other than styrofoam and frosting jizz, respectively.

​​Aw Crap: I Thought I Said Something Normal but My Therapist Responded “Let’s Unpack That”

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I’ve been seeing my therapist, Terry, for a few months now, and overall it’s fine. I go to his office and get to complain about my job. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and not saddle my girlfriend with all my work drama. But recently he’s been asking about my parents. All I said was “Every family screams at each other.” But Terry sat there for a second, cocked his head, and said “hmmm… let’s unpack that.” And now it’s a whole thing.

Look, I’m a modern man. I understand I don’t have it all figured out. But if I’m being honest therapy sometimes just feels like a whine-fest. I had a great childhood. But as soon as I say something like “if I smell alcohol on a man’s breath, I immediately think of my dad” Terry just responds with some overthinky, pschobabble like “It sounds like you never felt safe as a kid.” Which is pretty ridiculous. Because NOBODY feels safe as a kid, right? That’s part of being a kid. You know at any point you’ll do something wrong, and it’ll set your parents off. That’s just part of growing up.

My parents didn’t hit me, and that means they were good parents. That’s the metric everyone uses. But Terry will say something like, “A lack of physical violence doesn’t mean a surplus of love” because he clearly doesn’t understand my parents. They grew up at a different time. Things were hard for them. So encouraging their children in their pursuits isn’t something they had time for. All I ever needed from my parents was an occasional “good job,” a pat on the back, or an extra scoop of ice cream. And sure, I never got those things, but how else was I gonna learn that I was neither special nor important?

I appreciate that Terry is trying to help me, but he acts like my parents were abusive when I say something like “My dad has never said he loves me” or “My mom has clearly tried to sabotage every romantic relationship I’ve ever had.” I mean, he refers to my folks as “emotionally withholding”, and it’s like, did Terry just not have parents? Because that’s what parents do: they withhold emotions so that you do whatever they say in the hopes that they will express even the smallest bit of love or approval, so… oh fuck. Yeah, never mind, Terry’s right.

Punk Celebrates Easter by Painting Eggs Before Throwing Them at Police Station

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

AUSTIN — Local punk Kyle Burnett’s annual Easter egg painting tradition took an interesting turn after he drove to a nearby police station to throw them at the building, sources with egg on their faces confirmed.

“Painting eggs is just therapeutic for me,” Burnett said before tossing one into a law enforcement vehicle’s windshield. “I spend all of Good Friday listening to my favorite Christian bands to get into the spirit, which is nice because I get to revisit Underoath’s early work. Then I invite my friends over to draw band logos and other cool shit on the eggs before getting in the car on Easter morning to chuck ‘em at pigs. Feels good to get out there and celebrate since I had to give up vandalism for lent.”

Officer Mike Richards was not amused by Burnett’s actions and plans to press charges for attempted murder.

“Oh, he paints all the eggs?” Richards said while removing eggshell fragments from his uniform. “I wouldn’t know that since I only see them after they hit me in the goddamn crotch. Don’t laugh at me. Some of those things were hard-boiled. If I hadn’t worn my bulletproof vest, that kid could’ve killed me. Some of the other officers think I’m overreacting because we found a few shells with skulls painted on them, but they weren’t even Punisher skulls. Those would have been much more respectful.”

Youth pastor and self-described Jesus expert Clay Driscoll offered a surprisingly more positive interpretation of the incident.

“Say what you will about the vandalism, but Kyle painting colorful eggs for our boys in blue is totally in line with what Jesus says about loving your enemies,” Driscoll said after leading youth group. “He’s tossing Easter joy straight through their windows even though they have to work during the holiday. That kind of gesture is sure to get him into Heaven when the time comes. Hopefully not soon, but worst case scenario, he’s logged enough community service hours to get past the pearly gates.”

At press time, the cops began their annual Easter egg hunt by cleaning up broken eggshells around the station.

How I Stopped Buying $5 Coffees Every Day for 5 Years, Saved Nearly $10,000, and Still Find Myself on the Brink of Financial Collapse After One Flat Tire and Medical Bill

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

You guys! I finally did it and accomplished the unthinkable. I stopped going to Starbucks before work every day, and after five years, I’m no better off than I was before deciding to forgo the one thing that actually gets me out of bed in the morning. In fact, I had car troubles during the same week I needed to go in for an emergency root-canal, and I probably won’t recover from the out-of-pocket expenses for at least six months. But hey, fiscal responsibility, amiright?

For as long as I can remember, my parents told me that I’d never be able to afford a down payment on my dream house if I treated myself to a latte every morning. So I stopped. But there’s one issue that needs to be considered: I only saved $10,000, which is nowhere near what I would need for a down payment on a house, or even a nice car now that I think about it. Not to mention that making coffee at home isn’t free either. Heck, I even reuse old grounds sometimes because eggs are about to be $9 a dozen again and I have to cut corners somewhere. Sure, I didn’t treat myself to anything for five years, but the money’s gone anyway.

If you’re an older reader, I’ll bet you’re thinking that I spent too much money on my iPhone. Well, you’re probably forgetting the fact that my iPhone is actually my boss!

First of all, without a smartphone, how am I supposed to pick up a shift as a Door-Dasher? I’ve got to supplement my income somehow because I haven’t gotten a raise at my office job in three years despite the fact that half of the branch was laid off and I got all of this extra work dumped on me.

Secondly, I need my iPhone to do a quick Google search for “broken arm home remedy” because I don’t have health insurance and I need to somehow justify the $150 phone bill I pay every month. Since I’m apparently not allowed to put avocados on toasted bread and post it to Instagram, I figured I’d teach myself how to fashion a makeshift splint out of plywood and old underwear while biting on a piece of tile and waiting for the unskippable YouTube ad to run its course so I can administer first aid from the comfort of the studio apartment I share with three other roommates.

But I’m as frugal as frugal can be. Here’s a list of other things I don’t allow myself to enjoy because I decided to go to art school when I was 18: streaming, dining out, ride-sharing, getting drinks with friends, going to shows, paying my water bill, and turning the heat on.

Now, you may want to ask, “Are you suffering?” Yes, immeasurably! But I’m one slow-drip cup of Maxwell House closer to financial stability.

Just kidding, I’m going to die like this.

Woman Knows Name and Birthday of Every Dog in Neighborhood But Cannot Remember Name of Any Human Neighbors

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local woman Carmen Montozo admitted to knowing intimate details about each dog in her neighborhood while failing to learn the names of any one of her human neighbors, confirmed multiple sources who also don’t know her name.

“It’s kind of funny that I see the same seven people every single day of my life and I don’t know a single thing about them. But I know their dog’s name, their birthdays, any recent health concerns, their favorite treats, their style of play, and that’s just the beginning,” said Montozo. “Take Pepper for example, she’s a border collie mix that was rescued in Mexico and adopted out through Mutt Scouts. She doesn’t like when someone touches her paws, and she takes Trifexis as her flea and tick medication. I have her owner’s phone number in my phone if they ever need a dog sitter, but he’s just in there as ‘Pepper’s Dad.’ I think his name might be Robert, or maybe it’s Mike. I know he drives a Subaru.”

Matt MacDonald is a dog owner who frequently runs into Montozo while walking his Husky named Abby.

“I got Abby about four years ago and that’s when I met, uh, I think her name might be Mary or something. I wouldn’t say she and I are friends, but Abby absolutely loves her. She brought a huge cake to Abby’s third birthday that she made herself. All the other dogs from the neighborhood were invited and I can confidently say I didn’t know a single name of any person there,” said MacDonald. “It would just be too awkward to ask someone their name at this point. I usually just address the dog owners by calling them ‘Big guy,’ or ‘Chief.’ Unless I’m talking to the guy who owns a German Shepherd named Chief, I usually just say ‘There he is’ any time I see him.”

Social psychologist Dr. Aram Medvedian says it’s very common for humans to become more attached to dogs than their neighbors.

“It’s pretty simple, dogs are apolitical, humans are not. A dog will never start talking about how Trump will run this country like a business, or claim Israel can do whatever it wants to ‘defend themselves,’” said Dr. Medvedian. “So instead of having actual conversations with the dog’s owner it’s easiest to just ask the dog a semi-rhetorical question like ‘who’s a good boy?’ and ‘show me that tail wag?’”

At press time, Montozo was agonizing over which dog she would vote for as the ceremonial mayor of the neighborhood.

Photo by Brianna Tuma-Marcella.

Help! My Boyfriend Is 5 Years Older Than Me And Won’t Stop Making References to Early 2000s Flash Animations I Don’t Understand

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Me and my boyfriend Mark started dating a little bit ago and he’s great and everything but there is a slight age gap between us. I’m 25 and he’s 30 which isn’t a big deal in terms of age differences, but lordy I did not expect those years to make that big of a difference when it came to understanding certain referential bits of humor. Mainly in that he keeps referring to early 2000s flash animations and I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about.

It all started when I told him to slow down while driving because the speed limit was 55 and he started saying “Schfifty-Five” a lot while calling me a little girl and saying that his IQ was also Schfifty-Five. Suddenly he’s giggling like a small child and I have no idea what’s so funny.

Later on we were talking about how North Korea was doing that thing where it pretends it’s going to nuke everyone again. He starts rambling about how it’ll really start when the US decides to take on those “Chinese sons of bitches” and how the French will be too “le tired” to do anything about it while Australia is all like “WTF.” His analysis of the situation did not calm my nerves and I thought maybe he was a racist for a second until he explained it was another cartoon he watched.

He offered to show me all of these things and asked if I had even heard of AlbinoBlackSheep which confused me more because that’s an oxymoron which I realize is the joke. He then asked me about watching stuff on NewGrounds and while I have heard of it, to be honest most of the stuff hosted there has made its way to YouTube so I’ve never needed to visit it. He tried to get me to watch something called the ‘Demented Cartoon Movie” but I just didn’t get it. It was completely asinine because there were no jokes, just randomness. Like it seemed like the type of thing only a 10-year-old would laugh at. Which I guess is how old he was when he first watched it.

I will say that I did know who Trogdor was but for the wrong reasons. I only knew about Trogdor because that song was featured on “Guitar Hero 2” but when he mentioned someone named “Strongbad” and asked if I ever wanted to be a member of the “Teen Girl Squad” I was lost again.

It’s not all bad though. We eventually found that we both enjoyed watching “Charlie The Unicorn” and spent the rest of the night talking about going to “Candy Mountain.” That shit’s much funnier than any kamikaze watermelon ever could be.