REYKJAVIK, Iceland — City officials announced that the annual spraying for feral Björks will begin this week and that residents should take necessary precautions to avoid being contaminated by chemicals, which can be toxic, sources report.
“It’s important that residents know what day their area of the city is being sprayed and to ensure they remain indoors overnight with their windows closed,” reported Gudrun Johannsdottir, a spokesperson for Reykjavik Animal Control. “We really want to stress keeping windows closed, not only to protect residents from the spray, but also the feral Björks which will become agitated and try to seek shelter. While we understand the imposition this puts on folks, it’s critical that we do this to keep the feral Björk population in check because if the ecosystem gets beyond its capacity, they are known to attack random people or record albums like ‘Medulla.’”
Residents expressed their thoughts on the yearly tradition with responses ranging from frustration to casual acceptance.
“I’m wondering if these sprayings actually do anything because each year there seems to be more and more Björks alternating between whispering impishly and shrieking in an ungodly manner at all hours of the night,” stated resident Sigrun Einarsdottir. “Just the other day, one bolted in front of my car in some sort of biomechanical suit and I had to swerve to miss it. They’re also beatboxing in my garden now too. This goes on all night for weeks at a time. I wish the city would do these spraying based on incidents, but who are we kidding, they’ll do the rich neighborhoods first.”
The original Björk issued a public service announcement to prepare the public ahead of time.
“Think of the droplets of this arsenic, wormwood, and saltpeter mix as beautiful, but deadly, notes of music raining down from above,” the singer said while piloting some sort of steampunk helicopter emitting said spray. “Also remember that Björks exist on a very specific diet of nutrients and that introducing other food items can wildly alter their chemical balance making them even more unstable. During sprayings only go outside if there’s an emergenceeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
At press time, Iceland’s main television network announced plans to show Lars von Trier’s “Dancer in the Dark” on a loop during sprays for people stuck at home.
Photo by Paul Familetti.