SUN PRAIRIE, Wis. — Overconfident white guy Randall Weiss, who frequently proclaims his “life is a movie,” is reportedly ignorant to the fact that said movie is a documentary about a total dud, sources shaking their damn heads confirmed.
“Bro, I’m telling you, sometimes I feel like I’m the main character in a majorly epicsauce story,” said Weiss, apparently unaware of that the director of the upcoming doc “No Friends, No Future, No Freakin’ Clue” was making the “keep rolling” motion with her finger. “Every single night I’m grabbing life by the cajones, because all I do is win! I got a sick-ass part-time job at a pet store, 6 hot as hell ex-wives, and an allergy to most forms of gluten – let’s do this! Everybody hates me ‘cause they ain’t me! Oh, I say that one a lot too… Now, watch me dazzle these fine, fine, FOINE chicas over at the bar with my Napoleon Dynamite impression…”
Filmmaker Jessica Salarini is consistently impressed and sickened by her documentary subject’s heroic lack of self-awareness.
“I hate to toot my own horn like this, but I couldn’t have cast this movie any more perfectly. Randall moves through life with such He’s like Mr. Bean if he went around quoting ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ all the time. And quoting it wrong, at that! All I have to do is point a camera at him and he says something so cringe-worthy that Tim Heidecker would be taking notes,” said Salarini, while she edited a montage of Weiss being terrible to various restaurant workers set to “Puttin’ On The Ritz.” “It’s just a shame that filming is coming to an end soon, and I’ll have to get a restraining order put on him just in case. If he calls me ‘mamacita,’ I swear I’ll have him killed.”
Representatives from the Sundance Film Festival are looking forward to the documentary’s inclusion in this year’s proceedings.
“From the early buzz we’ve heard, we expect ‘No Friends, No Future, No Freakin’ Clue’ to join the ranks of ‘American Movie’ and ‘The King of Kong’ in terms of documentaries with ‘guys you’ve gotta get a load of,’ so to say we’re merely excited is a considerable understatement,” said Sundance Head of Programming Eugene Hernandez. “Ms. Salarini should ready her mantle for a plethora of trophies and commendations, which we’ll take the opportunities to fill with mace in case she ever gets hit on by her documentary subject. On that note, we do hope we aren’t required to invite Mr. Weiss to the festival, as we’ve heard his hygiene is sensationally questionable. Man, we can’t wait to watch this flick!”
At press time, Sundance officially deemed the first cut of the documentary “far, far too sad for release.”
Photo by Jeff Owens.