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How I Bought a House With Money I Made From Music, Carpentry, Bartending, My Parents, My In-Laws, and Fake Illness on GoFundMe!

As a musician, earning enough to buy a house is quite the feat and I’m damn proud of that. Now I can say that I’m a true professional. Sure, I had a touch of help from carpentry, bartending, my parents, my in-laws, and a questionable GoFundme page, but there was definitely some music money in there somewhere!

Let me break down how you can get on my level. First of all, when saving for a house, keep your expenses crazy low. You and seven other adults shack up in a neighborhood next to the dump, or in a flood zone, or maybe you get lucky like me and your cousin has an in with the mole people in the NYC subway tunnels. There’s no shame in a little nepotism. Look at Mikey Cyrus! Basically, you want most of your music earnings going under the mattress. And of course “under the mattress” is just a metaphor. It’s more of a collection of balled-up hoodies.

Inflation these days is no joke, so when I was short on rent, I’d supplement with some carpentry work. It’s $18 an hour, and like 50 hours a week, so there’s no shame in that kind of cushy side hustle. Sure, sometimes I’d have an early gig and my side hustle wouldn’t allow me to leave for my main hustle, but hey, $18 for the hour is better than the $15 I would’ve made to play for 3 hours.

Speaking of side hustles, bartending is where it’s at! It’s a lot like being a rock star… Only better! Swarms of hot chicks pine for your attention, and I make like 10 times more than what I would’ve made playing at that exact venue! If you work at some shit dive that isn’t anal about inventory, you can pocket a ton of the bar sales while slamming free liquor!

Opportunities are everywhere. You’re an artist. Get creative. For example, I started a Gofundme for my son who has a rare blood disorder. Now sure, my “son” was my roommate’s dog and the “blood disorder” was worms, but he calls the thing his fur baby, so son isn’t much of a stretch. That finally got me to the ten grand I needed!

The ten grand should be enough to show your father that you’re done slumming it, and finally ready to settle down with his colleague Charles’ eldest daughter and purchase some property. Once Charles sees how much your dad threw in, his competitive nature will force him to at least match it and you’ll get a house twice as big! And when you’re all settled into your new home, you’ll gaze upon your expertly manicured lawn and feel gratified knowing that a few hundred bucks of that down payment came from music.