Kirk Hammett Officially Announced as Metallica’s Lead Guitarist After Successful Completion of 42-Year Probationary Period

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year probationary period, sources confirmed.

“I thought this day would never come,” Hammett commented. “I’ve been waiting for this announcement every day since I was 20 years old. Honestly, I’ve been a little worried ever since James and Lars told me we weren’t going to record any leads on ‘St. Anger’ back in 2003. I was convinced they weren’t going to let me in the band that day, but we ended up finishing that album, which I think is one of our best, without issue. I can’t wait to call my old buddies from Exodus to tell them the news. They’re not going to believe it!”

Metallica frontman James Hetfield thought it was finally time to make the decision.

“We weren’t so sure about Kirk when he first started playing with us, but he’s really come into his own in Metallica,” Hetfield provided while struggling to hold onto an armful of Armani bags from a recent shopping excursion. “If I’m being honest, Kirk’s first few performance reviews weren’t that great, and we considered parting ways with him shortly after we recorded ‘Master of Puppets.’ Then Cliff passed away and we didn’t want to have to look for a new guitarist as well as a bassist, so we just decided to stick with Kirk. It wasn’t until he approached me the other day asking for a professional reference for a job application to Best Buy that I realized we never made him an official member.”

Former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine was distraught to hear the news.

“What do you mean, I didn’t get the job?” Mustaine griped. “I just thought Kirk was an interim player until they gathered the guts to ask me to rejoin. I’ve really been pulling for him to not work out over the past four decades. I can play circles around Kirk, and I’ve showed that I can be in a band without getting kicked out for being obnoxious and unreliable. I don’t know what more the guys in Metallica could ask for. I guess I’ll just go back to playing in Megadeth, but that’s really been more of a backup plan than anything else.”

At press time, Jason Newsted was thinking of ending his sabbatical and returning to bass duties in Metallica.

19-Year-Old DOGE Agent Running Out of Excuses for Why He Can’t Hang Out With Elon This Weekend

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he can’t hang out with his boss Elon Musk, sources report.

“I’m really starting to panic here,” Wakefield admitted. “I woke up to dozens of texts this morning from Mr. Musk asking if I wanted to come over and play ‘Path of Exile 2’ on Saturday night, and I can’t think of a single excuse that I haven’t already used. I’ve made up the deaths of all four of my grandparents, as well as a house fire and emergency surgery for my parents’ cat. I told him last weekend that I had car troubles and he bought me a brand new Cybertruck to use. Thankfully, it completely died for no reason after I had driven it for less than a quarter mile. If I don’t think of something fast, I’m actually going to have to go to his house.”

Musk didn’t quite take the hint.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get the bros together to hang out since inauguration,” Musk said as he repeatedly checked his phone for texts. “I can tell how pumped they are to hang out with me by the way they kind of smile and nod when I make hilarious jokes around them. The other day, I did an amazing impression of Ron Burgundy from ‘Anchorman’ during a meeting, and you should’ve seen their faces. I just know they’d be my best friends even if I wasn’t paying them to have unfettered access to sensitive government information, so we’re going to have a really great time once I can get the gang together.”

Social scientist Rashida Garis provided her expertise on Musk’s social ineptitude.

“I see this all the time with repugnant men who find themselves in positions of power,” Garis offered. “It’s obvious to everyone around Musk that he’s a putrid excuse for a human being, but in his eyes he’s the coolest guy on Earth and people are clamoring to spend time with him. He may be the most glaring example, but I’ve conducted case studies with similar situations involving Donald Trump Jr., and just look at Ted Cruz. He actually started a podcast because he thinks people enjoy speaking with him.”

At press time, Wakefield considered telling Musk he had COVID, but immediately dismissed it because neither he nor Elon believe it to be real.

The New David Lynch? I Added Ominous Synth to My Colonoscopy Footage

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

The doctor said this was a first: no one had requested their own colonoscopy footage before. I said this was a request from the deepest corners of my artistic soul, like a love letter straight from my heart. Seemingly tired of talking to me, he emailed a video of the procedure over.

Over buckets of coffee, smoking like a chimney, I watch the footage caught by the colonoscope burrowing inside me, exploring my canals. I slowly fade in music, which happens to sound a lot like Angelo Badalamenti. I begin to weep.

My ulcers: once so banal. Now striking. Beautiful. It speaks to the haunted rot beneath America. Behold, a polyp hiding in the pink corners of my smooth, shining tissue. That polyp is named Fred. And Fred is the pure representation of all that is evil. No further explanation. My film is titled ‘Inland Empire’ for the inland means within my colon and the empire is me.

I sit my family down to show them my latest video masterpiece, serving cherry pie. They immediately recoil and leave the room. Typical: normies never understand great art. Are Hallmark films prodding their subconscious? I think not.

For feedback, my sister mentions liking the score, at which I begin crying and gritting my teeth. She certainly recognizes her own trauma in my work. Mother calls the film deeply disturbing, which I only hear as Lynchian: a compliment from the womb master. Father says it felt like a nightmare. I say to him, “Yes, daddy. Exactly!”

I begin showing my film publicly, projected on diners and vape store walls, blasting that stirring synth score. Apparently colonoscopy footage counts as indecent exposure. I tell the police captain, “You wouldn’t get it. You’ve never been to Cannes. You’ve never held a fire in your heart. Silencio.” I am punched in the eye. It feels like a kiss.

Once released, I practice transcendental meditation. New revelations from my film bubble up to the surface. My internal hemorrhoid is now named Judy. And she is in trouble. I decide to add grainy low-grade VFX and doo-wop ‘50s needle drops.

Desperate for a follow-up, I inquire about exploring my stomach, or a gastroscopy, to pair the looped footage of my digestive system with industrial metallic droning. ‘Esophagushead’ will be released this summer in black and white, playing only at midnight, with a runtime of five hours.

Kanye Apologizes for Past Remarks About George W. Bush

Posted on by Jon Wood

LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources.

“I said some things I now regret and I’m here to set the record straight,” West stated, referencing his infamous 2005 outburst criticizing the former President’s response to Hurricane Katrina. “When I said that ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’ I was referring broadly to the countless Americans disenfranchised by a rigged system — the same broke-ass haters that make every day a living hell for me on social media. Anyway, I just want to apologize for any pain my words may have caused by setting the White Lives Matter movement back decades.”

Actor and comedian Mike Myers, who presented alongside West at “A Concert for Hurricane Relief” in 2005, shared his recollection of the spectacle.

“If it wasn’t clear from my face, I was totally unprepared for the drama of that day,” recalled Myers. “I mean, I wasn’t surprised that Kanye went off-script and called the President of the United States a racist, or what everyone saw on television. What caught me off guard was all the crazy stuff he said when the cameras weren’t rolling. He asked me if I thought Hurricane Katrina could’ve been a false flag operation carried out by the Energizer corporation to sell more C and D batteries. And then he got really upset when I told him I didn’t know if Shrek’s penis looked like any of the dozen drawings he brought with him. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs.”

Mike Burkett, founder of punk rock band NOFX and the 2004 “Rock Against Bush” campaign, responded to West’s latest remarks.

“How does a war criminal like George Bush get his own art exhibit at Disney World, meanwhile a band that’s 80% dick and fart jokes gets canceled for some supposedly tone-deaf stage banter?” said Burkett, known professionally as Fat Mike. “If you had convinced me 20 years ago that Kanye would eventually blame black people for slavery and that Bush would become a nostalgic symbol of civility embraced by the left, I would’ve taken things in a different direction — though ‘Rock Against Any Hope for Humanity’ doesn’t have the same ring to it. Jesus Christ, next thing you know the cheapest place to buy a carton of eggs in this country will be at the Warped Tour.”

At press time, West is reportedly organizing a benefit concert to help victims of the LA wildfires rebuild their million-dollar sneaker collections.

From “The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy” to “The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me,” We Ranked Every Tool in Elon’s Shed

Posted on by Dan Rice

Yesterday, Tesla CEO and current Trump BFF Elon Musk wowed the Nazi-sympathizing crowd at CPAC by unveiling The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy, a legendary weapon that allows him to turn millions in budget slashing into billions with a single unfounded lie. While the mere existence of such a magical tool came as a shock to many, those in Musk’s inner circle know it is but one of many enchanted artifacts he’s collected over the years that helped make him the successful human-ish thing he is today.

Today we take a deep dive into Musk’s inventory screen. Here is our definitive ranking of every legendary weapon in Elon’s mythical tool shed.

The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy

That’s right, the weapon currently taking the government by storm (think Katrina) is but the weakest taste of Elon’s legendary arsenal. With merely +2 durability and -20,000 sanity, it’s a true testament to Elon’s swordsmanship that using only this humble weapon he has already saved us from the ravages diversity hires, planes that land, and employees who know how our nuclear weapons work.

The Miter Saw of Self-Awareness

Sitting on Musk’s workbench among a plethora of Diet Coke empties and pornographic Spongebob comic books is The Miter Saw of Self-Awareness, and while not the most stacked weapon it’s a crucial addition to his armory. Being an unelected foreigner with -400 billion charisma currently dismantling the government (his words) loathing Musk is one of the few attributes shared by both sides of the American political spectrum. If he had even the slightest fleeting glimmer of how most people actually perceive him he would probably kill himself, but this clutch tool gives him total immunity from facing such realities.

The Paint Scraper of Non-Transactional Fuckability

Having someone earnestly desire you sexually is a useless distraction to men on Musk’s grindset. Be it directly or through the advancement of status, this handy tool ensures Musk will never see a pair of legs spread without money being involved.

The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me

The love of a child is a weakness Musk can’t afford. Once they aren’t cute enough to use as human shields anymore he uses this bad boy to cut ties forever.

The Drain Snake of Landing a Joke

Elon is naturally funny, just ask him. This incredibly useful tool boasts -infinite charisma and guaranteed critical failure for every punch line, assuring his penchant for making jokes will never lead to distractions like praise or comradery. Let that sink in.

The Hatchet of Gastrointestinal Health

You may have noticed Musk has been looking more swole over the years, not as in like a guy who works out, more as in like a defective pool noodle someone punched too many times. That’s no accident. Chronic constipation gives Musk the focus, harshness, and cruelty of character required to take food out of the mouths of impoverished children while hoarding the largest fortune in recorded history. Between this enchanted paint scraper and his distaste for vegetables, Elon is able to retain his stool for weeks, sometimes even months at a time.

The Mallet of Uncringeyness

Wielding this legendary weapon imbues Musk with +500 repulsions and a 5000% increased chance of critical failure in seeming human. With this baby at his side, he can’t so much as say hello to a person without them feeling like they need a shower immediately.

The Weed Whacker of Meaningful Human Contact

Love or even significant familiarity with another person can be total productivity killers. The mystical properties of this fabled artifact have rendered Musk so insurmountably alone that he’s had to pay for high-fives since 1997.

The Lawnmower of Positive Public Perception

Remember when Musk was largely viewed as a pro-environment genius who just might save the world? Honestly, you probably don’t anymore, and that’s all thanks to this ridiculously overpowered lawnmower. According to legend, Musk was riding it the day he decided to launch his car into space.

Punk Starts Non-Profit Dedicated to Finding a Cure for Coke Dick

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local punk Pattie “Two Dollar” O’Malley set up a foundation dedicated to researching and curing “coke dick,” a condition that renders victims incapable of maintaining erections after binging cocaine and other amphetamines, confirmed sources.

“For too long the stigma of having coke dick has prevented scientists from getting the resources they need to combat this terrible affliction,” said a visibly haggard and bloodshot O’Malley. “We’re talking about a disease that affects thousands of dudes just trying to have a good time. Not me, but a lot of dudes I know, who are solid. To date the only treatment has been ‘Don’t party so much.’ Maybe that works for some nerd-ass doctor, but not for me and not for my crew. If you’ve been up blasting rails for the last three days and it’s taking everything you’ve got not to cry in front of your chick ‘cause you’re pushin’ rope, know that Hard-Cure is here to help.”

While Hard-Cure’s mission statement promises a future free from coke-related impotence, Chief Researcher “Doctor” Rusty Blaze says the road ahead, unlike the phallus of a cokehead, will be long and hard.

“There’s still so little we actually know about coke dick. What causes it? Why does the straight edge community seem immune? Who actually shot JFK and why, was it the mob? The CIA?” said Blaze. “So far all we really know is I can see God when I try to sleep and these Hims pills don’t do shit. Anyway, who wants to hit up a diner? I’m buyin’! You gotta spot me though, I’m not liquid at the moment.”

Some have criticized the foundation as a waste of resources.

“With everything going on in the world right now, it’s disgusting that this is what Pattie is putting his money into,” said scene veteran Beka Rush. “I can think of way better ways for him to use that money, like donating to the ACLU or giving me back that 60 buck he owes me! If not that, maybe his back due child support or better yet, more coke. That stuff’s expensive and it’s always a wise investment, at least for the next 12 hours.”

At press time, the organization already raised several times its startup capital with a confirmed multi-million dollar donation from Mickey Rourke and the relocation of all EPA funding by President Donald Trump.

Wrongful Termination? The Legal BAC is .08 But I Just Got Fired For Blowing .07

Posted on by Drew Gigis

The judiciary system of the United States of America was established on September 24th, 1789 to protect the rights of our nation’s citizens and it has repeatedly been mocked, most recently in my complete unlawful firing from Cobblestone Rehabilitation Facility.

I arrived at work on January 21st a mere 2 hours late and was subject to, an unconstitutional I might add, sobriety test. I was absolutely irate. I fully believe this was a backlash after being accused of stealing cold medicine from the site’s clinic. The investigation was inconclusive so they were unable to take action against me, but then this incident conveniently took place.

I informed the administrator of my pigeon toe condition which leaves me unable to walk in a straight line and it was disregarded. I was humiliated as I was forced to attempt impossible tasks such as standing on one foot for an entire 15 seconds and reciting the alphabet in its entirety without any pauses. Once it was deemed that I had failed these egregious tests I was forced to blow.

I felt fully vindicated when the breathalyzer device showed I had a blood alcohol content of .07 and was not in fact intoxicated at my post. I was then called into the office of my immediate supervisor and relieved from my position.

I was stunned. My home state’s regulations clearly read that .08 BAC is the level that would result in arrest. I cannot understand any justification for my firing as I was obviously well under the legal limit. My former employer now has the nerve to deny me unemployment benefits on top of all of it. I have submitted my case to several wrongful termination lawyers to no avail. I am currently in the process of appealing to the state on my own accord to right this incredible wrong but the state Attorney General seems to be refusing to respond to my dozens of emails.

I assure you I will win this case when it is brought to trial. I will also be suing for emotional damages as the stress of this incident has resulted in a dependency on alcohol so severe that my family forced me into the very rehab facility that brought about this whole situation. I will not rest until I take everything these criminals own and restore my good name.

Man Who Spent 40 Minutes Talking About Steely Dan on First Date Confident It Went Great

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan, for approximately 40 minutes, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I really don’t think it could have gone any better,” said the clueless Hensley. “Her interest in Steely Dan was so intense that she barely said a word the entire date! Rachel was so generous with our time together that I was able to tell both the long version of the story of the dbx noise reduction system failure on ‘Katy Lied’ and speak at length about how Alfred Bester and Norman Mailer influenced the lyrics of ‘Deacon Blues.’ She was so captivated that she only took two 15-minute bathroom breaks the whole date!”

Caldwell, a marketing analyst and Dave’s date, described the date very differently.

“Oh wow. He thought it went well? Yikes,” said Caldwell. “Don’t get me wrong; Dave seems like a really nice guy, and his passion for this band is obvious, but this was maybe the worst date I’ve ever been on. He seemed perfectly normal on his dating profile, but once he started talking about Steely Dan, it was like he was possessed. He physically could not stop. He kept making this joke about how he’s ‘never gonna do it without the fez on’? I don’t know, man. Ultimately, I learned more about Walter Becker’s guitar collection than I did about Dave.”

Martin Corbin, the waiter at Maple & Vine who served Hensley and Caldwell, could tell the date wasn’t going well within the first five minutes.

“It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. The entire wait staff was transfixed by the sight of the two of them,” said Corbin. “I love Steely Dan, but I would never talk ad nauseam about them on a first date. At one point, Dave was miming the guitar solo to ‘Kid Charlemagne’ at the table, and I just want to say, for a so-called ‘super fan,’ he really failed to capture the subtleties of Larry Carlton’s playing. I mean, if you’re going to embarrass yourself publicly by doing an air guitar bit, at least get it right.”

At press time, Hensley was busy assembling a five-hour YouTube playlist of “essential” Steely Dan demos to share with Caldwell on their second date.

Report: Average Veterinarian Has Eight-Hour Wait List for Hunky Off-Grid Outlaws Needing Stitches at 2 a.m.

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — A new independent report revealed that the average veterinarian has an eight-hour wait list due to the sheer volume of hunky outlaws needing off-grid medical care after hours, sources confirmed.

“Most veterinarians just want to help animals, but somehow word got around to every vigilante, mobster, and anti-hero in town that they can also stitch them up in the middle of the night while these guys lay low from the law. Vet offices usually have a waiting room full of stoic badasses,” said researcher Melanie Garcia. “You can’t go into a hospital with a gunshot wound or they’ll call the cops, but these guys need to wait until vets tend to the cats with diarrhea, pitbulls that swallowed a Costco-sized pack of tube socks, and hamsters with gout. In the meantime, all they can do is sit down next to the rest of the outlaws and bleed all over the Cat Fancy magazines.”

Local vigilante Frank “The Compensator” Vercetti had been receiving off-grid medical care at Healing Paws Animal Clinic for years, but revealed that things have changed over the last few years.

“In the old days you could stumble into a vet clinic at 2 a.m., get a bullet taken out of your shoulder and still have time to flirt with the tough yet beautiful veterinarian all while a sensual saxophone soundtrack plays against the pale moonlight shining through the window,” said Vercetti, pouting while a receptionist handed him paperwork. “But nowadays there’s so many other outlaws in here it totally kills the vibe. Doc is so busy she doesn’t even have time to longingly watch me through the window as I slip off into the night for the final showdown with the bad guys.”

Healing Paws’ regular customers were starting to notice the change in clientele.

“I don’t think I’m gonna come back to this vet clinic, the waiting room is always full of masculine dudes with black eyes and gunshot wounds—and the weirdest part is none of them have pets with them,” said Howard Barlow, comforting his goldendoodle, Francisco. “Well they better quit their bellyaching and get in line because my Francisco has a doozy of a tummy ache. Also I’m pretty sure that guy over there pretended to be a cop and commandeered my vehicle last week before crashing it into the old steel mill in a hail of gunfire.”

At press time, a nearby gas station stopped letting customers use the bathroom after the owner was tired of cleaning up bullets and vodka bottles from hunky off-grid outlaws performing field surgery on themselves.

Oh Wow, We Were Way Off! Eric Clapton Just Revealed “Tears in Heaven” Is About His Struggles With Porn Addiction

Posted on by Tim Sheard

We at the Hard Times are big classic rock fans, and it definitely shouldn’t surprise you that one of our favorite artists of all time is Eric Clapton. We may not agree with his views on politics or public health, but whether he’s singing “Can’t Find My Way Home” as a member of Blind Faith or as a solo artist rocking to “Change the World” on the soundtrack to everybody’s favorite John Travolta movie “Phenomenon”, we can’t get enough of his tunes.

We had taken ourselves as Clapton experts, but a recent reveal by the prolific guitarist took us for a loop. We thought we knew the inspiration for his 1991 hit “Tears in Heaven”, but it turns out the popular tune is actually about his struggles with porn addiction.

Oh wow, we were way off!

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Clapton revealed that the lyrics to the popular, tear-inducing hit were written to explore his fears that his indulgent and Onanistic lifestyle would preclude his admittance into God’s kingdom, as it turns out the rock star had troubles quelling his fixations over the sprawling collection of hardcore pornographic magazines he’d amassed throughout the 1980s. According to Clapton, the wealth he’d earned from his numerous hits up to that point had been used exclusively to build a treasure trove of smutty magazines from “Club” all the way to “Gent”, with even an entire section devoted to the full-penetrative stylings of “Puritan.” With his financial success unfettering him from the constraints of a typical 9-5 job, he was free to devote every waking moment of his time to obsessively manipulating his genitals while poring over every page of his lascivious cache.

Yeah, that’s definitely not what we thought “Tears in Heaven” was about. Color us surprised!

“I must be strong and carry on, ‘cause I know I don’t belong here in Heaven,” laments Clapton over that beautifully composed acoustic legato we’ve all come to love. Now that we know we are hearing the mournful intonation of a man conflicted between his faith and his socially backward affinity for excessive masturbation, we’re not sure if we’ll ever be able to listen to this song the same way again

Thankfully, Clapton has since sought professional help for his unchecked hedonism and has been clean these past three decades. Considering the downward spiral that would inevitably have resulted from having the Internet able to instantly fulfill every one of his darkly libidinous fantasies, we consider this a blessing. Hopefully, Clapton has found peace with his Maker as well and now considers himself worthy to be seated at the right hand of the Father for all of eternity.

Again, we were truly taken aback by this revelation, and while we’re certainly sympathetic to his plight, we might not have sobbed so heavily during his 1992 performance on MTV Unplugged had we known the true meaning of this song. Thanks, Mr. Clapton, and good on you for kicking that porn habit!