Touring Drummer’s Mom Reminds Them to Pack an Extra Pillow and Blanket in Their Kick Drum

Posted on by Jon Lalu

PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local mother Linda Varst reminded her drummer son to pack an extra pillow and blanket in his bass drum before he went out on tour, confirmed sources.

“You never know when you’ll need to dampen those overtones, tighten the sound, or have that extra bit of warmth while you’re touring Southern California,” said the mother of four before fully believing an AI image of Jesus Christ working at McDonald’s on Facebook was real. “I’ve already fixed him up three months’ worth of bologna sandwiches and cut the crusts off the bread just the way he likes it, dusted his cymbals and drumsticks, and purchased some new tour clothes for him from Kohl’s. But there’s only so much a mother can do for her children. At some point, they need to be on their own. That’s why I always try to prepare my kids by reminding them to pack their kick drums with necessities.”

Son Lukas Varst seemed more embarrassed by his mother than anything.

“Mom is constantly up in my business,” said the 23-year-old percussionist. “She’s always trying to interject herself in my band’s endeavors too. Just last week she made homemade brownies for everyone at practice. Sure, they loved it, but still. Then she offered to give the band a ride to get ice cream, even though we all have licenses and vehicles. I mean, that was sweet of her. Then of course she just had to take pics of us for her photo album. Actually, they came out so badass that we used them as promo pics. You know what? Maybe mom rules after all.”

Experts noted other instances where moms came through before tours.

“Mothers are really the backbone of every band,” said family counselor Daria Gleason. “Fred Durst’s mom always made sure he packed extra red baseball caps with him before he went out on tour with Limp Bizkit. Kiss’ moms let them use their makeup before every show. And the mothers of Slipknot would make extra hauntingly gruesome masks from scratch for the band before every tour to make sure they never ran out. Moms just know best.”

At press time, Mrs. Varst also reminded her son to pack extra underwear in the floor tom just in case he runs out.

Punk Mom Takes Kid to Merch Table to Shop for School Clothes

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE — Local mother and lifelong punk Sherri Dalton reportedly brought her 11-year-old son to a DIY concert this weekend to shop for new clothes, impressed attendees report.

“I told him to pick three things that were black, durable, and not affiliated with a hate group. I also made him name three songs by the band before he could buy their shirt. He is representing our family out there,” Dalton explained, while buying an XXL shirt for local band The Bic Flickers, knowing he’ll grow into it. “We are boycotting Target, Wal-Mart, Amazon and really most retailers now so it only makes sense to go shopping here. Not to mention his dad’s band is opening tonight, so we were going to be here anyway. Two birds, one stone, right?”

While practical, Rollins Dalton was overly embarrassed by having to shop with his mom.

“She tried to pay the merch guy with vegan cupcakes and then called me a poser in front of everyone when I asked if we could just go to Hot Topic. I just want to be a normal kid and wear a Metallica shirt thinking it is a clothing brand,” said the sixth grader after trying on clothes in the venue’s disgusting bathroom. “She kept talking about the quality of the silk screening and limited runs. My friends are going to make fun of me if I wear a ‘Fuck Rent! Squat!’ shirt. I don’t pay rent. Technically, I am squatting at my parents’ house.”

Experts say Mrs. Dalton’s shopping strategy might be part of a growing movement among alternative parents.

“This is a new consumer trend we are calling ‘Anarcho-Sourcing,’ and it is the hottest thing in punk fashion since the invention of shoplifting,” said Dr. Julie Lindstrom, a market research analyst who specializes in countercultural shopping trends. “It’s when caregivers raise children with a blend of anti-capitalist ethics but still want quality items at a fair price. You’re finding families who only shop on Bandcamp rather than Gap Kids. A kid won’t care if you buy the band’s 2018 tour t-shirt at 50%.”

As of press time, the Dalton boy reportedly acquired two shirts, a hoodie, one dozen mini-buttons, and a patch with Trump in a guillotine, all for under $50.

The Hard Times Guide To Smoking Weed With Your Mom

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

In this day and age, it’s common to find a much more relaxed attitude towards casual marijuana use amongst many different demographics. And despite grounding you for it at least five or six times in the early aughts, this shift in perspective also includes your mom.

Wanna get stoned with the woman who bore you this Mother’s Day, but you’re too nervous and weirded out by the mere concept? Fear not. We at The Hard Times present our tried-and-true guide.

1. Broach the Topic with Some Lighthearted Joking

Perhaps begin the process by mentioning that there sure are a lot of weed stores around here now! And yeah, they certainly DO look like an Apple Store inside, what an astute observation. You could even let your mom know that while a lot of states don’t sell baked goods, she might have a corner on the market locally if she gets really good at making butter. Maybe she should test out what weed is like these days?

2. Very Gently Remind Her that Weed is Like Way, Way Stronger Now

Now that your mother has agreed to smoke with you, her adult child, immediately U-turn into gently letting her know that this is by no means 70s or 80s weed. This is industrial strength shit that a 25-year old with purple hair and a bridge piercing sold you after you described what is essentially “age-appropriate back pain.” This is going to knock her flat. In the event she asks for a gummy, lie and say you don’t have any. You don’t want her freaking out and calling an ambulance for herself.

3. Throw On a Grateful Dead LP

Set the right scene by putting on a vinyl record, perhaps “American Beauty” by the Grateful Dead, and lie about how much you paid for it when she asks two puffs in.

After about half a joint, your mom may start to discuss her past hard drug use when she was following the Dead full time. Nod sagely and reserve judgment, though note to ask her if her roommate who made acid in the kitchen is still alive at a later time.

Okay, she’s actually talking a lot. This is getting a little irritating, truth be told. Uh oh, she’s bringing up your childhood…

4. Do Not Let Her Discuss Your Childhood

Things may be going peachy—you’re a little bit stoned, and your mom is being pretty cool, but you’re gonna have to put in some serious work in this next phase to prevent shit from going downhill. Under NO circumstances should you discuss your childhood, especially if she does that thing where she asks you all wide-eyed if she was a good mom, and you don’t have a non-nuclear answer to that question. If you engage at all, she’s either going to cry or get weird. That will harsh the mellow irreparably.

5. Call Your Sister for Reinforcements

Ok, she asked. Fuck. Get your Gen Z sister on the phone to talk politics until your mom is extremely riled up and ready to make protest signs. A little arts and crafts saves the day!

Perennial Plants Thriving at Childhood Home Suggest Mom Can Be Nurturing After All

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND — Local Improv Coach Amanda Paulson is struggling to reconcile her mother’s maternal dedication to her household plants, according to sources.

“Growing up, my mother treated my needs as an inconvenience. She even once said I was dramatic for needing a new coat during a mid-winter growth spurt,” said the 34-year-old. “But now she’s turned my old bedroom into an ‘orchid room.’ And yes, it’s climate-controlled. She’s even replaced all photos of me around the house with pics of peonies she’s personally grown. It just blows my mind that she is so invested. She had zero nurturing instincts when I was a child.”

Jean Paulson rolled her eyes upon hearing daughter’s statements.

“Amanda has always been, how should I put this? A lot,” said the mother of one while working her hands through the soil in a backyard garden plot. “I was sick for most of my pregnancy and it felt almost parasitic. Everyone said it would be different when she was born, but she was even more demanding ex utero. It’s no wonder she turned into a theater kid. But getting a stage and an audience didn’t stop her attention-seeking behavior. I even suggested she emancipate herself at one point so she could leave home earlier and pursue more acting jobs. But she lacked the drive. It’s sort of an ongoing issue. Oh wow, the Frangipiani is flowering! You really have to handle it with kid gloves, but what a reward upon maturation!”

For his part, Local Gardening Club President Trey Hammond is thrilled to have a volunteer like the otherwise neglectful mother.

“Jean started with an amateur interest and has really blossomed. We jokingly refer to her as ‘Plant Mommy’ because she has an almost maternal dedication,” said Hammond. “Last winter there was a terrible ice storm and our greenhouses lost power. Jean purchased a generator and delivered it at great personal risk so that the plants could continue to get UV light. I always tell Jean, ‘I wish we could take cuttings of you!’ The world would be a better place. I didn’t realize she had a daughter. She’s never mentioned her.”

At press time, Mrs. Paulson was planning to grow Amaryllis daughter bulbs in her orchid room until they were hardy enough to be moved outside, unless they showed a preference for living indoors indefinitely.

College Town’s One Homeless Guy Braces for Being Subject of Multiple Photography 101 Final Projects

Posted on by John Danek

HUNTINGDON, Pa. — Local homeless man Scotty Yarborough is actively preparing for the end of spring semester at Juniata College where he expects to be the subject of many Photography 101 finals, local townsfolk report.

“It’s that time of year, so I’ll start growing my beard out all crazy to really lay it on thick,” said Yarborough, who rarely gets paid or even tipped for his modeling labor. “I’ll ham it up and look as miserable as humanly possible if the kids are respectful. But it annoys me when they get creative and ask me to push a shopping cart or sleep under a bench. I have a Geo Metro and have never needed a shopping cart. Also, a couple bucks for a hoagie would be appreciated. Don’t give me that ‘I only have a meal plan’ bullshit.”

Freshmen students at liberal arts schools often overstate their own ingenuity during their college experience.

“I am going to show this small college town that it has real, human problems. I’ll ace this final, maybe they’ll open a homeless shelter because of my submission,” said Brianna Wordsworth, whose parents have paid for her tuition, room and board, books, car, and beer fund. “My piece is entitled ‘Homeless vs Unhoused’ and I snapped photos before and after calling that homeless guy ‘homeless’ or ‘unhoused.’ The results are more powerful than I could have ever imagined. Now I just need to figure out how to get this to the Pulitzer committee.”

Those experienced in working with the unhoused are actively begging freshmen students to reconsider their final project ideas.

“We’ve come a long way from Bum Fights and audio recordings of unhoused individuals as intros to screamo songs, but there is still plenty of progress to be made with how we treat these people in our communities,” stated Morgan Vaughn, director of outreach at Helping Hands, Central PA- a homelessness advocacy non-profit. “So please, students, stop snapping 35mm film photos of people struggling in your college towns. You are exploiting them for grades and prestige without helping them. But also, the concept is cliche and trite.”

In related news, Juniata College’s film school professors were readying themselves for an onslaught of Mafia and cartel-related screenplays by 18-year-olds who have never even seen a gun or a blunt.

Consumer Report: Switching to Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo Had Little to No Effect on How Much I Cry in the Shower

Posted on by Kyle Donley

I recently purchased a bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Shampoo with the expectation that my prolonged bouts of showertime sadness would subside thanks to their self-proclaimed gentle, tear-free formula. I really needed a win here. My morning routine has been taking forever on account of all the crying, and I’ve been having to wake up earlier and earlier just to fit it into my schedule. I’ve already missed two important meetings at work this past week, and our water bill is through the roof! Surely a trusted family brand like Johnson & Johnson would stand by their word and provide a quality product that would hush my fears. But just like my own family, they are liars and cheats.

As gentle to the eyes as pure water my ass! First of all, shampoo goes on your hair, not in your eyes, dipshit! Probably letting AI write all their slogans, humanity’s at an all-time low. These corporate pigs are just preying on those who get sad in the shower and to what end? Just to make a quick buck? Our country is run by fascists. Don’t worry, the shampoo will help. Our planet keeps setting itself on fire. No biggie, probably just need to re-lather. How can any of this matter, what does my life even mean, where is this all headed!? I’m covered in baby shampoo and feeling more lost than ever!

Let’s talk integrity. When you buy a product, you expect that product to work as advertised.
Branded mission statements used to mean something. Built Ford Tough. Subway Eat Fresh. No More Tears? Maybe that would be possible if I wasn’t still paying student loans from 2009 for a fucking Poly Sci degree! Fuck!!! This shampoo doesn’t work. I’ve tried it both standing up and in the fetal position. I even drank a little bit of it. It does not work.

Oh and if you’re gonna say “this product only works on babies” don’t waste your breath. I tested it myself since clearly no one can be trusted. And, shocker, that baby cried the entire time I was shampooing its hair. Don’t buy this product.

DraftKings Predict The Callous Daoboys Have Better Odds of Reaching Super Bowl Than Dallas Cowboys

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unlikely favorite to make it to next year’s Super Bowl, while the similarly named Dallas Cowboys are ranked dead last, sources who figured the team still sucks report.

“The Callous Daoboys are significantly better at music than the Cowboys are at football, so I hope this means we get one hell of a halftime show,” DraftKings user Shaun Kowalski said while betting on the Daoboys and burning his Dak Prescott jersey. “People who didn’t get Kendrick Lamar’s set are gonna be pissed when they open with ‘Violent Astrology.’ That is, if they understand the lyrics. I bet they could get some crazy special guests with their mathcore and nu-metal connections, too. My dream would be a Dillinger Escape Plan reunion, but if they want to play it safe and just let Fred Durst dance onstage, that’s cool too.”

Natalie Jenkins, a longtime fan of The Callous Daoboys, interpreted the DraftKings data as demand for the band to take the field, not the stage.

“The halftime show is cool and all, but nobody gets paid and you don’t get a fancy ring when you win,” Jenkins said after googling the nonexistent salaries of past halftime performers. “Football’s where the real money gets made, and I think the Callous Daoboys would be really good at it. They have seven members, which I imagine is enough people once you add in a few promising draft picks collegiate-level bands. I’ve been in a few of their pits and they were more intense than some of the offensive teams I’ve seen on RedZone this year. The average Cowboys player would get a season-ending injury doing any of their jobs onstage.”

Most surprised of all by the data was Callous Daoboys vocalist Carson Pace himself.

“People bet money on this? They really want us more than the Cowboys? Makes sense, the Cowboys haven’t been in the Super Bowl since the ‘90s!” Pace said while selecting goofy phrases for the band’s next merch drop. “I doubt the NFL would have us unless they want the football equivalent of the SNL Fear performance from way back when, but if we can appeal to nu-metal fans and pop punkers alike, I‘m sure we can make a few fans or foes at the big game.”

At press time, The Callous Daoboys turned down yet another offer from a confused Jerry Jones attempting to buy the band.

Punk Walmart Greeter More of a Deterrent

Posted on by Ben Friedman

RICHFIELD, Minn. — Foot traffic at a local Walmart store has dropped off significantly after one of its greeters, unapologetic punk Steve McKenzie, has turned out to be more of a deterrent than a welcoming presence, confirmed sources.

“I came with my family yesterday when we were immediately accosted by some vagrant who began making pig noises at us and made a condescending comment to my son about coming to buy, as he put, ‘probably some shitty major label vinyl garbage.’ But then I saw his name tag and thought, ‘This is who Walmart is hiring these days?’” said Daniel Wallace. “I thought greeters were supposed to be old retired veterans, not crusties who look like they dumpster dive out back on their lunch breaks. We ended up leaving after he wouldn’t let us in without paying a $5 cover fee or giving him drugs. I’ve been treated better at Dollar General!”

Despite numerous complaints, McKenzie saw no issues with his job performance.

“I guess I’m supposed to greet people with a smile or whatever bullshit was in the job description, but do you see any of my coworkers providing good customer service having to cater to morons all day? If people don’t want to shop here because of me, it’s because they were never welcome in the first place,” said McKenzie. “I run the front the same as the house show doors I work: keeping out poseurs, jocks, and rednecks. My manager pulled me the other day and said the spikes and patches on my work vest are intimidating shoppers. Good, they should be afraid of me.”

Walmart’s Midwest district manager resigned to the fact that store greeters are almost always wildcards.

“The truth is, the position is for employees that can’t really do anything or would do more harm than good if given any real responsibility. But 98% of the complaints we receive are related to greeters acting like security but without preventing any shoplifting, or trying to hand out copies of their band’s EP to everyone. It’s killing our sales more than inflation,” said Roger Baker. “Despite Mr. McKenzie’s numerous write-ups, we’re stuck with him until we can find someone desperate enough for the job who also won’t pull knives on cops.”

As of press time, McKenzie was put on a final warning after several physical altercations with customers wearing MAGA hats, who make up 70% of the store’s clientele.

How To Fill Your Metal Scene’s Diversity Quota With a Weird Old Guy Who Moshes

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know representation matters. Whether it’s in the workplace or in our favorite movies and television shows, it’s important to give marginalized communities a voice in all aspects of society. This works in everybody’s favor, as the inclusion of heterogeneous perspectives in business, academia, and art invariably yields better results.

So there have been calls to up the diversity in your local metal scene, and you only just now realized that it’s comprised exclusively of white men in their twenties and thirties. Who would’ve thought that such a purposely unpleasant style of music would have such a narrow fandom? Anyway, this task might prove too difficult for your fellow Watertown, South Dakota headbangers, so here’s a guide to finding a weird old guy who moshes. We’re going to be completely honest in telling you that’s likely the best you’re going to be able to do here.

Start at the local firehall, where all the weird old guys like to pound shitty beers on weekday nights. Play some old AC/DC on the jukebox and see who gets into it. Any old drunk whipping out the air guitar to “Hells Bells” would surely be open to moshing at 0.75 speed while flailing his arms about unconventionally the next time Deicide comes to town, so find your guy and hand him a flier! Make sure you sweeten the deal beforehand by making sure all venues in your area have plenty of Busch Lite on hand, and a Blue Lives Matter flag outside their front doors certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Following the above steps should prove invaluable to getting one or two weird old guys at the next show, but how do you get them to mosh once they’re there? The answer is painfully simple: beer beer beer! It’s a known fact that the older you get, the more invaluable booze is to getting you in the moshpit. How else can you rationalize slamming into strangers over the death growls and blast beats of Suffocation and Dying Fetus when you’re at the age at which sleeping wrong can somehow throw your back out? Make sure your weird old guy is constantly hitting the sauce during the opening bands, even if it means dipping into your own coffers to make sure this is accomplished. After all, the beer this dude likes is dirt cheap, so don’t let the financial hit stop you, and be sure to keep your eyes on the prize. At this rate, he’ll be sure to throw down and hop in once Decapitated plays the opening riff of “Spheres of Madness.”

Success! You may not have an actually diverse metal scene, but you can at least kind of claim to now that your weird old guy is wheezing his way around the circle pit. Having somebody to awkwardly avoid for fear of causing a stroke or heart attack is the first step in your local scene becoming a beacon of diversity that those in other towns can only hope to aspire to, so give yourself a pat on the back in knowing that you’ve put forth more of an effort in being inclusive than 99% of others in the metal community. Great work, and stay tuned for our introductory CPR course for when your weird old guy inevitably collapses during a wall of death!

Nu-Metal Act Completely Ostracized From Local Scene for Spelling Their Band Name Correctly

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Nu-metal band Deranged found themselves the pariah of their local scene for failing to misspell their band name, sources report.

“I wish somebody would’ve explained this rule to me when we started,” vocalist Teddy “Loco” Sampson lamented. “We would’ve been happy to change the spelling, but we already spent all our money on designing our logo and printing merch, and I already put in my two weeks at Famous Footwear. There’s no going back now. We’re just going to have to try to push forward and play some shows. We already got kicked off the bill for the upcoming Mudvayne concert down in Daytona Beach, which would’ve been huge for us. It really sucks that we have no other bands in our scene to team up with.”

Bassist Dave “Vermin Shock” Taylor from fellow Tallahassee nu-metal band Sikkened expressed his outrage at Loco’s actions.

“When I saw their logo on the bill for the Mudvayne show, I was incensed,” Taylor said as he fiddled with his Ibanez K5. “Everybody knows nu-metal bands aren’t permitted to spell their names correctly. I immediately got on the phone to everybody in our scene, and Deranged is now completely blackballed. I mean, how difficult would it have been to just spell their name ‘DRaynged’? At the very least, they could’ve flipped the ‘R’ around in the logo, but they didn’t bother with any of that. It’s truly offensive that they thought they could get away with this type of behavior. I’m just glad I discovered this before my band sullied its good name by playing on the same stage as them.”

Nu-metal expert Trina Seang provided her insight on the situation.

“Nu-metal appears to scoff at societal norms like grammar, but you’d be surprised at how strict the artists are otherwise,” Seang mentioned. “The list of transgressions a band can commit is pretty extensive, such as not using enough hair gel in your spikes or not having at least one band member who wears a mesh tank top. I wish I could say Deranged could work their way back from this, but I’m not aware of a single documented incident of a nu-metal band redeeming themselves after wrecking their reputation with other bands in their scenes. There’s honestly a better chance of them making it if they change their style to country or adult contemporary.”

At press time, Deranged further enraged their peers by writing a song in standard tuning with a six-string guitar.