Opinion: They Should Invent a Dog Breed That Doesn’t Look At You While You Jerk Off

Posted on by Dom Turek

Man domesticated dogs nearly 15,000 years ago, and astonishingly, there are now 400 distinct dog breeds. Even more astonishing is that no one thought to engineer a dog that doesn’t stare directly at you while you’re spanking the monkey.

Although long-touted as “man’s best friend,” it might be more apt to call them what they really are, which is “man’s best voyeur.” I’ve had a lot of best friends over the years, and almost none of them have stood still as a statue at the foot of my bed and watched me touch myself to completion. Take it from me, most people won’t consider doing something like that even if you beg, offer to pay, and promise not to tell anyone about it.

A dog’s nature and nurture both play a crucial role in his ability to perform specialized tasks. Basset hounds’ short legs allow them to locate ground prey easily, while Saint Bernards’ thick coats and strength make them ideal companions for rescue missions in low-temperature climates, so you can only imagine my surprise when I adopted a Bull Mastiff for its purported guard dog abilities and have since been forced to jerk off in my closet just to avoid his impenetrable gaze at my manhood.

Selective dog breeding has many benefits, but it is also controversial. Overpopulation, genetic defects, and man’s desire to induce speciation for selfish reasons are just a few reasons why dog breeding is considered a cruel practice but hear me out. If Queen Victoria was allowed to mate dogs endlessly until she got the four-pound emotional support dog of her dreams, why can’t we make a dog that won’t kink-shame me on my day off from work?

I’m no geneticist, but if we can design a dog that can track down cadavers or drugs using its three hundred smell receptors, we can surely make a dog that shows the same level of sexual indifference towards me as a cat or any one of my ex-girlfriends.

Les Claypool Finally Good Enough to Switch to Guitar

Posted on by David Britton

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Founding Primus member Les Claypool finally reached a level of competence that will allow him to stop playing bass and switch to guitar, confirmed sources who thought he was finally ready to make the leap.

“It’s a dream come true! I’ve been practicing bass since the Ford administration and it has all led to this highlight of my career,” said Claypool, who has been hoping to play guitar for decades now. “When I was a kid my father wouldn’t let me touch power tools, the car keys, or a guitar. He gave me a pile of wooden blocks and Fender Jazz Bass to play around with ‘until I was old enough.’ Well, guess what, Dad? I’m 61 now and I can play guitar and stay up as late as I want! I can’t wait to rub this in Flea’s face.”

Claypool’s bandmates were equally excited about their friend’s new instrument.

“Les has wanted this as long as I can remember,” said now-fellow guitarist Larry LaLonde. “He would even add extra strings to his bass so he could pretend it was a guitar. It was kind of cute in a pathetic sort of way. I’m just so happy that all his hard work has paid off. I mean he still can’t play F major, but one step at a time ya know? Also, we’ve decided not to go with a bassist from here on out. It just overcomplicates things.”

Dr. Jim Wegrzyn, a professor of musicology at Oxford, said that the switch from bass to guitar is a rare occurrence in the musical world, and often the would-be musician gives up, or even downgrades to drums, long before he gets close to learning guitar.

“Most bass players are just boyfriends of other band members,” explained Wegrzyn. “They hang around at band practice and are given something to do to keep them out of the way. When it comes time to record an album, they are allowed to play but then the producer secretly drops them all the way out of the mix in a move that’s ironically called ‘Justice for All.’ Now that I think about it, Kirk Hammett started off as the bass player for Exodus, so there’s hope for all bassists out there.”

At press time, Claypool was excitedly trying to teach guitar to his friend Victor Wooten in the hopes he too would someday be able to play a real instrument.

Bassist Writes Own Birthday Post on Band’s Instagram Page Again

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the fifth year in a row, scene sources reported.

“I already write everyone else’s birthday post so I may as well write mine too,” Bolz said while spending his fourth hour crafting the perfect message. “Plus, no one knows it’s me writing my own happy birthday post so I get to be extra nice to myself. Last year I added a fake message from our singer and his wife thanking me for inviting them to spend the summer at my condo in the French Riviera. He’s single and gay and I still live with my parents but no one seemed to notice. This year I’ll go a step further and have our guitarist call me ‘his friend.’”

Death Crack vocalist Abe Springer had to be reminded Bolz was in the band.

“I thought our band page had been hacked,” Springer said. “I was DMing exes with the band account when I noticed this weird birthday post about a guy I had never seen before. There were all these pictures of him with us on stage. Our bassist insisted that he was the one in the photos and that he actually formed the band himself, but I went ahead and changed our passwords just to be sure. With how good generative AI is you can never be too careful.”

Foo Fighters bassist Nate Mendel says he offers an online writing class for bassists struggling to construct their own birthday message on their band’s social media.

“Just like playing bass on stage, you can’t rely on anyone else in the band for anything,” Mendel said. “You can lie about hanging out with the band outside of practice, but implying that they see you as an equal is unrealistic. It’s all about finding the birthday post writing pocket. For that, I recommend drawing up an outline, writing up several drafts, and having it peer reviewed by other bass players in your community before posting. As a bassist, you cannot take birthday posts lightly. It’s your only chance to almost get recognition.”

At press time, Bolz spent the rest of the afternoon periodically checking to see if the post would get more than one three likes.

Self-Improvement Win: This Man Found Someone He Hates More Than Himself

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of is yourself? Well, if you’re self-described “subhuman clown boner,” Fleck Changstein, you spend the day loathing every inch of yourself, from your stupid hair to your weirdly knobby ankles. However, in a surprise twist of fate, Fleck recently found someone he hates even more than himself.

“I was at Wal-Mart buying a bottle of Tylenol PM and a handle of vodka,” Explained Changstein while watching a noose-tying tutorial on YouTube. “When I got to the checkout, I heard the guy in front of me say, ‘Hey chief if it doesn’t scan, it’s free, right? LoL.’”

Changstein described the man as “the human equivalent of having a railroad spike driven through your skull.”

“When he spoke, I had an epiphany,” Fleck continued, “Maybe I wasn’t the grossest person alive. I mean, I’ve done some despicable things, but I’ve never said el-oh-el out loud in conversation.”

From there, Changstein’s life took an unexpected upswing as he realized he had found someone nastier than him. This inspiring moment of self-reflection caused Fleck to take the single greatest step toward self-improvement he had ever attempted. He officially deemed his birth only the second worst crime ever committed against nature.

“Don’t get it twisted.” Said Fleck while looking in the mirror and giving his reflection the finger. “I still absolutely loathe myself to the point where if I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time and force-feed my mom the Plan B pill. The only difference is now I would find that douchebag’s Father first and crush his balls with a big rock.”

Since his chance encounter with the crass troglodyte at Walmart, Changstein has noted a major improvement in both his physical and mental well-being.

“Finding someone I hate even more than myself has definitely improved my mental health.” said Fleck while perusing razor blades on Amazon. “Before I would spend all day calling myself a loser who steals precious oxygen from more deserving people. But now? Even though I still think I’m a flaming bag of dogshit I know that If I don’t use that oxygen, someone even worse will.”

Wow, what an absolutely breathtaking example of the positive effect a random encounter with a stranger can have on one’s life!

Phish Announces Plans to Sing 5 Words and Then Dick Around for 27 Minutes

Posted on by Jeff Bender

HERSHEY, Pa. — Veteran band Phish announced their next song which would feature no more than five words followed by a “jam session” that could last up to 30 minutes, bewildered sources reported.

“Fans who follow us around the country have come to expect this kind of structure at our gigs,” said frontman Trey Anastasio, who unfortunately studied musical composition in college. “We don’t aim to please the audience but to ‘find’ something in the midst of a jam. It’s like deep-diving into the ocean, and we don’t know where we’re going, but we’re feeling it out together. That’s the magic of Phish. We lead our audiences into uncharted depths. Sometimes we wake up playing each other’s instruments. It’s like a communal dream. A dream that has almost no lyrics.”

Not all fans were so enthusiastic about experiencing this “journey” in real time.

“Very early on I got sucked into a vortex of aimless, drug-induced ‘jams’ that seem to have no beginning, middle, or end. At one point I asked my friend when the first song would be over, and he said this was the fourth song. I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’” said new Phishhead Janet Turek. “Look, I really enjoyed the beginning of the show, where the guitar player sang a catchy lyric, and I was hoping to hear it again, you know, like in a real song? But they just drifted off into a world of trampolines and hotdogs. Would it kill them to have a distinct verse and chorus so I can follow along?”

Grateful Dead guitarist Bob Weir weighed in on the insufferable “jam” phenomenon, arguing that it isn’t all Phish’s fault.

“It’s pretty mean what we put fans through, sticking a crowd with such netless, structureless jams for 20 to 30 minutes,” said Weir, who’s also played in the band RatDog. “But I can only see that now, years later. Phish doesn’t know what a mess they’re in or how boring and self-indulgent it is—and Christ knows their fans aren’t helping. They’re just as susceptible to getting lost as the band. For new fans of jam bands, it helps to get high in the parking lot beforehand.”

At press time, Turek was relieved to hear the song was finally ending but enraged to learn it was only dipping into a fermata before heading into the dreaded a-cappella section.

JD Vance Spotted Sign Twirling Outside Tesla Dealership

Posted on by Ryan Sims

ARLINGTON, Texas — Vice President JD Vance was spotted sign twirling outside of a Tesla dealership today, attempting to convince onlookers to pull in for a test drive, confirmed sources who seemed less inclined to purchase one after witnessing his poor spinning prowess.

“Look, the liberal left will attempt to paint this as a humiliating degradation of power by a drugged up South African trying to seize control of the Federal government while also trying to juice his company’s stock. But here’s what the lying media won’t tell you: I’m proud to support a great American company like Tesla,” Vance asserted. “Oh man, it was so funny. Elon asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I of course said yes, and before I knew it, I was bound and gagged in the back of a Cybertruck. He’s always busting my balls like that. Then when we got to the dealership, he tossed me out, threw me a sign, and said ‘dance, monkey boy.’ Man, he’s so funny. You liberal snowflakes wouldn’t understand, but this is how real men joke around. Then the Cybertruck drove off by itself, fully plowing through a red light and several pedestrians.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt provided full details of Vance’s new role.

“The official duties of the Vice President now include working seasonally at Tesla. Elon added it to the constitution this morning,” the press secretary announced. “Regarding the specific role, Mr. Musk thought sign twirling would suit JD because it is quote, ‘the only thing that beta sack of shit could possibly be good for.’ Also, The White House is thrilled to announce that The Vice President’s salary is being redirected into Roadster preorders.”

Kyle Bodie, Vance’s new boss and 20-year-old Tesla supervisor, doesn’t know if the Vice President has the right skillset to succeed at the position.

“Honestly, I’ve seen better sign twirling from high school students,” said Bodie. “The last guy could do all these sick flips and stuff. I told JD that. He tried one and fully ate shit on the pavement. He laughed it off and said he did it on purpose. I don’t see him going very far at the company. If this doesn’t work out, we’ll have to demote him to janitor or salesperson.”

At press time, Vance was seen attempting to wrangle his crying children into Cybertruck t-shirts.

Am I a Celebrity Now? Amoeba Records Security Wants To Know What’s in My Bag

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Man you guys, you’ll never believe what happened to me when I went to Amoeba Records last week! I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t help myself. I was leaving the store when somebody stopped me and asked the question you always wanted to be asked at Amoeba Records.

Amoeba Employee: Excuse me, can I see what’s in your bag?

Me: Wow! Yes! How cool!

Amoeba Employee: It’s my first day and I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just open it up please.

Me: Well I love Samhain, and I already have “Final Descent” on vinyl, but I wanted a CD so I could rock out to it in the car. Plus Samhain isn’t on streaming, so yeah, this was a no-brainer.

Amoeba Employee: Do you have a receipt?

Me: I couldn’t leave here without “Grizzly Man,” it’s my favorite movie ever. The part where Herzog tells her to destroy the tape and she says “I will Werner, I will!” gets me every time.

Amoeba Employee If you don’t show me the receipt for these items I’m going to have to take you into the back.

Me: I got this sweet copy of “October Rust” on tape. And since I don’t actually have a tape player, I grabbed this Walkman too. So cool you guys still sell these things.

Amoeba Employee: That’s it, come with me.

(At this point the man ushered me into a cramped back office with what looked like a one-way mirror in it. He told me to sit down at a desk and to keep my hands where he could see them.)

Me: Don’t you normally film the show on the sales floor itself?

Amoeba Employee: Film what? Actually, forget it. Just slowly empty the contents of your bag. One at a time.

Me:I got this Henry Rollins book, but it seems to be just a bunch of angry poetry?

Amoeba Employee: On second thought just empty your whole bag. This is taking too long.

Me: Have you heard “Mean Man” by W.A.S.P? It’s so rad. Couldn’t believe you had the 7” on hand.

Amoeba Employee: That’s it, I’m calling for backup.

(Someone else entered the room, and I saw the word ‘Manager’ on her name tag. I had no idea that the manager was also the director of the show. Such a neat glimpse behind the scenes!)

Amoeba Manager: This is your last warning. We’ve called the police, and unless you give me a receipt before they get here you’re going to jail.

Me: Amoeba jail? Is that like the Criterion Closet?

Soon afterwards the cops came and arrested me because apparently I forgot to pay for the items. They took me to jail, and the fascists didn’t even let me keep the stuff even though I offered them a credit card to pay for them! All on the technicality that the credit card wasn’t mine, bogus!

So anyway, I’ll be in jail for the next 6–9 months, but keep an eye out on the Amoeba Records YouTube channel for, what I assume will be a very special episode of “What’s in My Bag?”

Owner of Dimly Lit Factory Getting Really Sick of Nu-Metal Bands Sneaking In to Film Music Videos

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BAY CITY, Mich. — President of R&L Composites Inc. Stan Bratonski had just about enough of nu-metal bands breaking into his factory after hours to film their music videos, sources report.

“I get a call from ADT every time the alarm goes off, so I’m constantly having to drive here in the middle of the night to kick them out,” Bratonski complained. “We manufacture composite components for the aerospace industry here. In no way is this facility meant to house nu-metal bands playing their songs in the middle of the floor while surrounded by strobe lights and headbanging fans. They’ve even started bringing in caged fences for them to climb while the bands play inside. I’m going to have to hire armed guards, as it’s just getting ridiculous.”

Nu-metal singer Ricky Schizo of the band IN-Sanitarium provided his side of the story.

“This place is a favorite filming location for every nu-metal band in town,” Schizo admitted. “The dim lighting and industrial setting perfectly match the brooding nature of our music. My band sneaked in here last month to film the video for our song ‘Back Down or Bleed,’ and it turned out amazing. We almost didn’t get to do it because the band Sykotic showed up at the same time wanting to shoot their video, but we were able to compromise and have them film over in the filament winding department. I don’t know what the nu-metal community will do if we can no longer come here.”

Manufacturing expert Regina Eckert weighed in on the nation-wide issue.

“This is a very common complaint amongst owners of dimly lit factories,” Eckert said. “The nightly infestation of mesh tank top-clad rockers can be overwhelming, and the messes they leave behind can actually cause issues for unwitting employees in the morning. Few people know this, but the factory where Sevendust filmed the video for ‘Denial’ actually burned down the next day because a puddle of hair gel left by one of the extras caused a fire with an industrial oven. I suggest Mr. Bratonski have his second shift set out bug foggers and mousetraps before they leave to discourage these bands. I would also recommend barbed wire around the premises, but it’s likely the bands would steal it and convert it into jewelry.”

At press time, Bratonski was hit with a lawsuit from one of the trespassers who lost his leg after getting his Tripp pants caught in a machine.

MAGA Christian Reminds Himself of Core Values With “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” Bracelet

Posted on by Matt Husser

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” bracelet, sources confirmed.

“We live in a divided nation, and there are times when I lose sight of what it means to be a good MAGA-faithful Christian in today’s crazy world. But when I need a little clarity, all I have to do is look at my WWJDD bracelet and ask myself, ‘What would the man who firmly believed in the institution of slavery do?'” said Monroe, admiring his Confederate Flag Crucifix necklace. “I mean it can be hard to know how to treat all the immigrants, feminists, transgenders and DEI folks out there, but I just need to remind myself that moral guidance will come from the big man upstairs who is always looking over me: The President of the Confederacy.”

Megachurch preacher Harland Tillman was thrilled to hear that the bracelets he sold were making such an impact on his congregation at the Stonewall Community Church.

“With all the cancel culture and satanic liberal nonsense out there, it’s important to remember the source of our righteous values. Each bracelet contains five letters that deliver a reminder of a humble man who was ahead of his time, until he was unfairly crucified for his beliefs that were ultimately proven right in the eyes of history and the Lord,” said Tillman, passing out the gold-plated collection basket. “Now one of these fine WWJDD bracelets can be yours for any of my faithful congregation that donates $100 or more today to help us spread the teachings of the Master, the Worker, and the Holy States Rights.”

White House Spokesperson and former “America’s Next Top Militia” host Gunther Solomon announced that President Trump mandated that WWJDD bracelets would become standard attire for all government employees.

“The President has declared upon high that the WWJDD bracelets represent our nation’s traditional Christian values, and has decided to make a $400 million investment to outfit every civil servant in America,” said Solomon. “Elon Musk’s DOGE department has assured that they’ll be able to find that money by shuttering wasteful SNAP and Medicaid programs utilized by the nation’s underclass of freeloading poors.”

At press time, President Trump reportedly signed an executive order adding the Ten Commandments to every public school classroom, with a proposed Eleventh Commandment that stated, “Thou Shalt Not Forget the South Will Rise Again.”

Heartbreaking: Ghost Of Elliott Smith Still Too Shy To Haunt People

Posted on by Kyle Donley

As we all know by now, heaven and hell do not exist, God is a figment of our collective imagination, and all religion is horseshit. When you die you become a ghost, simple as that. Your primary objective as a ghost? To haunt people. While there is undoubtedly a learning curve, most notably portrayed in such prophetic films as Ghost and Ghost Dad, a majority of all ghosts are able to get the hang of it after 6-8 months. But in the curious case of indie rock darling Elliott Smith, 22 years of ghostdom has produced scant results.

In his mortal form, Elliott quickly established himself as a talented singer-songwriter with a knack for sensitive, heartfelt lyrics and melodies that at times could evoke the Beatles or the Kinks. But in the afterlife, Elliott has proven to be hella weak at haunting people.

“That sensitive guy shit does not fly out here,” an anonymous spirit whispered to me in an abandoned burn ward. “Most of these singer-songwriter types struggle at first, but eventually get the hang of it. Like that dude from Sparklehorse has all these dank-ass chains now that he rattles. And Nick Drake is basically the Michael Jordan of haunting in our realm, he’s that good.”

Smit, on the other hand, has not acclimated to ghost life well at all. Being aloof and apathetic may have served as a boon for him in the ‘90s but these traits are anathema in ghost culture because ghosts are already invisible. Years of stage fright have seemingly manifested into what ghost psychologists refer to as crippling haunt-fright. Instead of joining his ghost colleagues in games of merriment and terrifying spooks, he just fingerpicks his ghost guitar all day, which is totally pointless because the strings are invisible and make no sound.

Indeed, over the past two decades, records indicate he has only been credited to a measly 1.5 haunts — a dog that he didn’t mean to scare and the bass player for Built To Spill who he kinda thought was a dick. Sadly, the Silverlake home where he stabbed himself in the chest, most ghosts’ bread and butter, remains unhaunted and reportedly houses a perfectly content Vietnamese family.

His anti-social behavior and disengagement in the ghost community has led critics to wonder if he could possibly be at risk of ghostbusting himself. The question weighs heavy on my heart but for now the truth remains — we ain’t afraid of no ghost named Elliott Smith.