London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump to the City, sources confirmed.

“I’m proud to bestow this honor upon Ms. XCX,” said London mayor Sadiq Khan at the award ceremony. “Few Londoners in recent memory have done as much as Charli has to get the people dancing, support mom-and-pop drug operations, or popularize the color green. We thrive in thinking of London as one of the world’s premier party cities, behind only Berlin, Miami, and several dozen others. ‘Brat’ has kept that reputation alive, with its fresh hyperpop sound and existential dread about aging. In light of your accomplishment, I grant you, Charli XCX, this nose candy as a token of our appreciation.”

Charli XCX took her prize in stride.

“I didn’t know the city had a giant key, a novelty gallon-sized dime bag, and a modest amount of coke,” said Charli XCX upon receiving the award. “Even knowing it exists, I can’t believe they gave it to me for free! I’ve always wanted my music to mean something and score me some complimentary blow in the process, so I’m excited to use my newfound power for good. I just want the youth to know that, no matter how hard your life seems right now, no matter how lonely you might feel, you can always do a little bump.”

Charli XCX is the most recent artist in a long line to receive the Key Bump to the City.

“London has a storied history of rewarding drug use, but the Key Bump honors those venerable titans who have hoovered enough booger sugar to laugh in the face of Jesus himself,” explained historian and cocanologist Professor Robert Klisch. “Charli follows in the footsteps of David Bowie, Eric Clapton, and Sir Elton John, each of whom left a wake of destruction behind their Key Bumps to the City. In fact, Bowie used the key to come into London in the middle of the night so many times that they had to change the locks to the city while he was away. I can’t wait to see what Charli XCX does with her success.”

At press time, Charli XCX was seen paying £1 to enter the Loo of the City with her key.

Trump Suddenly Doesn’t Want To Make a Big Deal About Someone’s Emails

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In light of recently released emails between Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell that mention Donald Trump by name, in what some are calling a reversal of past policy, Trump has posted several rants on social media,  all condemning “making a federal case” out of “some dumb emails.” 

“This is nothing but a sad attempt at a witch hunt cooked up by the commie-Democrat deep state!” said Donald Trump, current president of the United States. “Who gives a crap about what a bunch of dumb emails say? They aren’t even real, okay? It’s just a bunch of numbers, folks. I know numbers, believe me, 1, 2, 3, I can keep going! I asked one of the top computer guys at DOGE ‘What is an email?’ You know what he said to me, tears in his eyes? ‘It’s a bunch of numbers, Mr. President,’ so there ya go. Used to be in this country, you got some mail, it would be this big, beautiful sheet of paper, you could fold it, it was incredible. Not any more. Trans athletes come along, they say, ‘We don’t want that mail, we want fake mail made of numbers.’ Very sad.” 

While several reporters brought up Trump’s past criticism of Hillary Clinton’s private servers, and the fact that ‘But her emails!’ became a crucial slogan to his 2016 campaign, press secretary Karoline Leavitt was quick to dismiss any allegations of hypocrisy at a briefing this morning. 

“The fact of the matter is that the President is far too clever and strong to care about what a bunch of fake number mails may or may not say about pedophile activities he may or may not have engaged in,” said a visibly embattled Leavitt. “The President does not think emails are a big deal, he does not think we should pay any attention to them, and he certainly does not think anyone should be ‘locked up’ over them, end of story.” 

While each new detail of the Epstein controversy turns some supporters away, most of Trump’s core base remains capable of the cognitive dissonance necessary to make this all work for them. 

“It’s very simple,” claims long-time MAGA influencer Stewart Davies. “Hillary Clinton had sex with a bunch of pizza kids and hid them in emails, that’s bad. Donald Trump then becomes President and makes emails not matter anymore, and that’s good. Now, what about the fact that these Epstein emails predate Trump’s presidency? Well, Hillary Clinton has a TARDIS. JFK Jr., who is alive, also has a TARDIS, and they are fighting. If you’ll excuse me, my stomach hurts again and I’m gonna go lie down for a few days.” 

At press time, the administration was still weighing how many new tariffs would be needed to bury this story.   

ChatGPT’s Ability to Write Cogent Email Really Impressive to Fucking Idiot

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LOS ANGELES — Well-known idiot Donald Robertson was beside himself with amazement when ChatGPT was able to produce an unexceptional but coherent work email, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“There are few things more byzantine in their complexity or taxing in their execution than writing an expositionally sound and grammatically correct email with three whole sentences,” said the benighted Robertson. “Then all of a sudden the impossible occurred. Lo and behold, a totally boilerplate email to my manager detailing a straightforward and routine workplace matter just appears before me like manna from Heaven. It seemed to know exactly where all the commas and periods were supposed to go too. I’ve never been able to quite wrap my head around the whole punctuation thing. Needless to say, I will be anointing ChatGPT as the entity in charge of all of my day-to-day tasks.”

Robertson’s coworkers took note of the simpleton’s wonder at this effortlessly minor task being done for him.

“Donald is truly one of the most mouth-breathing, glassy-eyed dullards shuffling around on God’s green earth and when that basic, typo-free cliche of an email was written for him his face lit up like you’d just shown a caveman fire, and then used that fire to illuminate a 60-foot-tall Taco Bell drive-through menu,” said Matthew Sullivan, Robertson’s manager. “For a man with the critical thinking and communication skills of a sea cucumber, this is an absolute game changer. Actually it’s the first email he’s sent that didn’t seem like it was written by an incarcerated pre-teen.”

Noted AI expert Greg Dono has been following the story as it develops.

“While it appears that Mr. Robertson is remarkably doltish, he isn’t entirely alone at the absolute bottom of the intelligence totem pole,” said Dono. “For many people like him, AI has been a panacea to the everyday aches and pains of living your life as just a complete shit-idiot. The silent struggle these people undergo attempting tasks a masturbating gibbon could effortlessly overcome is not only being cured, but it’s also being destigmatized. ChatGPT is giving these imbeciles a voice to stand up and say, ‘I’m a fuckwitted dipshit and I needed an ungodly and potentially species-ending leap in technology in order to get in touch with Barb from accounting.’”

At press time, Robertson was reportedly inconsolable due to having forgotten his ChatGPT password and also being unable to figure out how to reset it.

Is It Time To Make an Incongruous, Hyper Specific Style of Hat an Essential Part of Your Personality?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

At The Hard Times, we’re constantly confronting the existential quandaries that come with aging. Perhaps you, too, have resorted to extreme options in an attempt to recapture your glory days. Maybe you’ve taken a pole dancing or aerial silks class or two, only to realize that group activities give you a bleeding ulcer. If you’ve gotten a high fade and left more on top, inexplicably had a country phase, bought a DMT pen, tried improv and everything beyond or in between, but nothing seems to reinvigorate your soul, we have fantastic news — you can just get a fucking hat!

Not just any hat, mind you. Here’s the code: your new hat must not click with or complement anything you own. Celebrities do it all the time! Take, for example, Pharrell’s famously inexplicable dalliance with that flat-brimmed fedora that seemed specifically designed to sneak honey-baked hams into movie theatres. That hat and vibe should be the ever-fixed star that guides you to your new hat and personality.

Do you work in tech and mostly own leisurewear as a result? Why not slap on a leather, stovepipe hat? You’ll look like Abraham Lincoln just got back from Burning Man, and golly gosh will people take notice!

Own mostly jeans and old band t-shirts? How about a red felt pork pie hat with a feather or two dangling off the side? You’ll convey to the world that you’re aware that both “Breaking Bad” and “The Lumineers” are two things that you know exist!

Never done a day’s manual labor in your entire life and have the soft, pillowy hands of Dutch master painter’s subject? Well, saddle up, pardner, because a distressed cowboy hat with plastic, mass-produced “tribal” jewelry is what’s hot for you.

Do the phrases, “enjoys wine” and “goes out to eat sometimes,” summarize your entire personality? Not anymore, because now you also wear a big ass sunhat, baby! Get some Jackie O sunglasses and hie thee hence to the nearest Chablis tasting!

Anyone can do this. Simply look at what you own, drink in what it conveys to you on an emotional level, and just go as hard and fast as you possibly can in the other direction. And remember, snickering behind your back is just hater-talk for “I’m jealous of that swagger!”

ICE Agent Tries to Impress Women by Showing Scar From Injury Sustained While Tackling Child

Posted on by Tim Graham

BURLINGTON, Mass. — ICE agent Wayne Almeida attempted to pick up women at a local bar by showing off his dubious scars, according to amused waitstaff.

“There’s no better way to demonstrate to a woman that you’re an alpha dog than showing proof that you’ve survived some serious bodily harm,” said Almeida. “In my line of work, I’m confronted with physical danger on a daily basis, and I’ve got the scars to prove it. It’s a no-brainer that I’d use those scars to entice females. I’ll usually sidle up to some attractive ladies at the bar and strike up a convo. Then, to seal the deal, I’ll pull up my sleeve and show the scar I got when I took down this really tough eleven-year-old Guatemalan girl and scraped my arm on her piccolo case.”

At least one of the women Almeida had approached was decidedly unimpressed.

“My co-worker and I just wanted to go out and get a drink, and then this meathead started bothering us,” said Gretchen Masterson. “His efforts at impressing us with being an ICE agent didn’t work on us, of course. He had no idea my friend and I are both civil rights attorneys. Then he started in with the scar. He was vague at first, but we managed to get him to admit he was injured while trying to snatch a little girl while she waited for the school bus. We made it clear we thought he was a disgusting fascist and he slunk off, muttering some threats about having us deported.”

Pickup artist and influencer Scott Hampton suggests that Almeida embellish his story to make himself more appealing to women.

“I would tell Wayne that while scars are indeed attractive to females, he may need to use a little ‘poetic license’ regarding how he got them,” said Hampton. “You don’t have to say you got the scar from taking down a kid. Go ahead and lie—who’s gonna know? Tell them you got it while single-handedly neutralizing half a dozen Tren de Aragua gangbangers, for instance. I tell my followers to lie all the time. It’s really their only option. No offense, but there’s no way those incels are going to get laid by being honest about themselves.”

At press time, Almeida was now telling women he got the scar while tackling half a dozen little kids after misunderstanding the pickup artist’s advice.

The Five Sickest Megadeth Guitar Solos That I’ll List Here Because My Bumble Date Had To Leave Suddenly

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh man! My Bumble date with this girl Rachel was going great, but then she looked at her phone and mumbled something about her cat before rushing out of the Buffalo Wild Wings right in the middle of my Dream Theater album ranking. I hope everything’s OK! I could tell she had been super impressed with me ordering the Blazin’ Knockout sauce for my Crispy Chicken Dippers (it’s the hottest sauce on their menu but I usually have no problem with it, and I assured her there was Imodium in the left knee pocket of my cargo shorts if it did cause an emergency), so I know a second date is imminent. I was saving this Megadeth guitar solo ranking for her, but I suppose I’ll just list it here until then.

5.) Looking Down the Cross
This ripper from one of the best songs on their lamentably overlooked debut album is among the sickest solos in their catalog, and Rachel definitely would’ve appreciated hearing about it. Funny, we had been messaging for weeks before our date, and she never mentioned having a cat. I honestly could’ve sworn she said she was allergic? I must be misremembering.

4.) Ashes in Your Mouth
“Countdown to Extinction” is the beginning of the end for Megadeth, in my opinion, but it’s still got some unforgettable tunes, and the solo in this song is definitely one to write home about. Maybe I should text these to Rachel so she can listen in anticipation of our second date. She hasn’t responded to the myriad messages I’ve sent her since she ran off, though.

3.) Set the World Afire
What really sucks is that I was hoping she was going to pay, and maybe give me a lift home. I’ve racked up a serious check with all these Dogfish Heads; not to mention I probably shouldn’t be driving after drinking all of them. Anyway, the solo in “Set the World Afire” fucking rules.

2.) Holy Wars…The Punishment Due
Whaaaa? The ending solo to “Holy Wars” is only Number 2? Yeah, I’m not just another metalhead, and Rachel will likely swoon when she hears this. Speaking of her, didn’t she say she lives alone? If so, who’s texting her about her cat? Weird.

1.) My Last Words
Perhaps the most underrated song in the band’s entire catalog, this one closes out 1986’s “Peace Sells, But Who’s Buying?” perfectly, and honestly, should I call her now or wait a bit to see if her cat’s doing alright? I have a lot more to say on this particular solo, and I’m sure she’d love to hear it.

Entire Town Killed After Installation of Roundabout

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — The entire population of nearby Mesa Springs was killed after a roundabout was installed in their town, unsurprised sources report.

“I’ve heard of five, ten, twenty people that died in a traffic circle, but never an entire town,” said KOAA News reporter Russ Turnbull while talking into a microphone that wasn’t plugged in. “Mesa Springs was largely a retirement community, and we all know how hard it is for boomers to adapt to new practices and traffic laws. Especially when those practices slightly inconvenience them despite benefitting everyone else. We’re hearing that two cars initially collided in the roundabout, and over the next week the rest of the town plowed into the original wreck. 7,089 people dead because of a circular intersection where drivers simply had to go counterclockwise. Unbelievable.”

Grand Junction’s biggest funeral parlor says business has never been better.

“Like I always say, the best thing for a funeral home is war and traffic circles.” said Eternal Hope funeral home owner Hiram Jessop. “When I first read that they installed the roundabout I thought it might drive up business a little, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d bring me an entire town. Heck, I’ve already reached my sales goals for the next eight years because of the Mesa Springs roundabout. Not only that, but my wife is the town florist, so our fortunes have doubled!”

Colorado governor Jared Polis says Mesa Springs isn’t the only town to be wiped off the map due to recent road changes.

“We just got word that Clarkston is no more, thanks to the tragic addition of a zipper merge near a construction site,” said Polis while lighting a cigar with cash. “We mourn these brave souls that were forced to take turns entering a single lane. America was built on the idea that everyone has their own lane to do as they please. So the idea that residents had to share their lanes with others is a stain on our history. And if I’m re-elected I promise that no Coloradoan will ever have to zipper merge or enter a roundabout again for the rest of their lives.”

At press time, a State of Emergency was declared after a new stop sign was installed in Denver.

Environmentalist? This Guy Recycles His Nudes

Posted on by Dom Turek

Major change is the result of millions of seemingly insignificant endeavors converging. As a community, we can minimize waste and conserve natural resources by reducing, reusing, and recycling, so why is this local stud catching so much flak for repurposing old his dick pictures? I think it was Einstein who said, “Great spirits have often faced violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

Next time you feel like coming down on someone because they used the same dick picture to sustain some pretty hot and heavy sexting in their last four relationships, you should take into consideration that 90 percent of jerk-off videos end up in the digital ocean. Do you have any idea how much hydropower goes into cooling the data centers that store your poorly-angled amateur erotica? He even cuts down on physical waste by refusing to use anything in the picture for scale. Sorry, ladies, but this conservation enthusiast won’t be squandering any bananas, rulers, or baby cucumbers in his NSFW content.

Okay, fine. Maybe hearing him moan another woman’s name at the tail end of his nut wasn’t your favorite part of the video, but it’s a small price to pay considering the climatological rewards. A man shouldn’t have to hold up a copy of the Sunday Times when DMing his assplay content. If having to listen to him blurt out “Jessica” instead of “Taylin” before cumming all over his stomach saves even an iota of E-waste, we can all sleep a little easier at night knowing the polar bears might have one more ice cap to rest on.

Some might call his behavior disrespectful, lazy, or even pathological. They might pose the question, “Why don’t you just record a new video since you already spend all day alone jerking off in your room and shoving things in your ass?” Well, maybe while they’re feeling inquisitive, they should also ask Francis Ford Coppola why he didn’t reshoot “The Godfather” because of a continuity error. Sometimes a reshoot just isn’t in the budget.

What his detractors don’t understand is that this recurring video has everything to do with the environment and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the sun happened to obscure the scarring on the underside of his shaft following a furious bout of poison ivy, or that the glare coming off his widow illuminated his precum in a way that made it look like morning dew dancing atop a four leaf clover, or that for once in his entire life, his balls didn’t look like the grey dangling earlobes of an elderly man. Believe what you want, but this is all in the name of ecological protection.

Punk GPS Says You’re Approximately Five Cigarettes From Your Destination

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

JUPITER, Fla. — A new feature in your vehicle’s GPS now measures distance in the time it would take you to smoke a cigarette, confirmed sources who finally found a benefit of smoking.

“I clicked on something called ‘Punk Mode’ on my GPS app and suddenly it told me I was approximately five cigs from my destination,” you said at a gas station as you bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time. “Then another menu popped up asking me to select my brand and whether I smoke regulars or 100s. It also asked if I chain smoke or if I take a few minutes between. I don’t know much about cigarettes yet but I appreciate the level of detail. I have a trip planned to Arizona next month and the GPS said it’ll take roughly two cartons to get there.”

Your significant other said the distance-in-cigarettes feature isn’t the only quirk about the GPS’s Punk Mode.

“The directions have become horribly inaccurate,” said your better half while wondering why your phone suddenly smells like a wet dog. “Before it used to say things like ‘Turn right on Maplewood Dr.’ and ‘Merge right to stay on Center St.’ But now it gives directions like ‘Turn left where the liquor store used to be.’ and ‘Make a right at the bar where The Casualties played that time.’ Who the hell are the Casualties, and why do I care where they played?”

The CEO of Wherez, the company that provides the GPS app, weighed in.

“That all seems accurate,” said CEO Tam Rinsk while taking in the view from his second story office. “We actually don’t own any GPS satellites floating around in space, so we’re left to bum signals off of bigger, more successful companies. Therefore, we need to use more fluid directions as opposed to actual numbers and distances. So using unintelligible directions like that is actually the perfect way to skirt around that minor detail. Say, you don’t have any GPS satellites we can use, do you?”

At press time, the GPS was seen asking if you had any spare change.

Chill Atomic Scientist Sets Doomsday Clock to 4:20

Posted on by Charles Bill

CHICAGO — The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists shocked the world today with an announcement that their most chill scientist set the Doomsday Clock to 4:20, confirmed sources.

“Shit’s mad fucked right now,” explained stoner atomic scientist Dr. Olga Lyman as she rolled a blunt on her stomach like an otter. “Fact of the matter is between climate change, nuclear war, rising fascism, and me losing my keys, the world has never been worse off. Things probably won’t last much longer, so just kick back and roast a few bones. That’s what I’ve been doing. Hell I managed to flip some ‘bee with a few college students on the quad. That’s what life’s really about. When the world ends, I’m tryna go out zooted to the upper hemisphere. Ja feel [sic]?”

Although the Doomsday Clock’s time change was lauded by the general public of burnouts, not all of Lyman’s colleagues approved of the change.

“This isn’t something that you can just do unilaterally,” said chairman of the bulletin, Dr. Wesley Jung. “Every change of the clock is done with precise debate about the nature of the world and the state of danger we find ourselves in. Olga just snuck in after ripping a dab and moved it. What’s really frustrating is that we were on the verge of deciding to move the time to half past beer o’clock. We wanted people crushing mad brews while they contemplated dying in nuclear inferno, but instead they’re ripping doinks to it. I’d fire her if she wasn’t my plug.”

Despite the internal conflicts at the bulletin, many have heaped praise upon the time change.

“Let me tell you from personal experience, we are utterly fucked,” explained UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres. “We’ve tried everything, and nothing is getting better. I think the Doomsday Clock has the exact right idea. Instead of trying to save the Maldives from going under water, we should just grind up a nug, roll up a fatty, and watch the world fall apart in between episodes of ‘Adventure Time.’ It’s over, just try to enjoy the ride. We will now take a vote on Resolution 2899 starting with Afghanistan.”

At press time, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists was heavily considering changing the clock to digital so it would be easier for people to read.