RFK Jr. Starts Day With Massive Rip From Smoking Manhole Cover

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. started his workday with a massive rip from a smoking manhole cover on the way into the office this past week, reported local sources.

“Taking in ‘exotic,’ untested substances is key to how I operate,” said Kennedy between phlegmy, hacking coughs. “If you’re consuming what everyone else is consuming, you’re putting out what everyone else is putting out—it’s that simple. I don’t want ‘simple.’ I want to zag when others zig. Internet supplements, fat rips of manhole smoke, uncooked mystery meats—it’s all of that that lets me do this job in the way Americans have come to know and expect. Would I be able to improve vaccine policies for hard working Americans if I wasn’t fried on the kind of urban vent gas you can’t just go out and buy? Absolutely not.”

The Secretary’s ever-present sheen of sweat and general disdain for established science has long been assumed to be at least partially a product of his esoteric consumption habits.

“The man I wake up next to every morning is unrecognizable,” said comedian and wife to Kennedy, Cheryl Hines. “He’s calm, he has respect for facts on how much tallow any one person should have day-to-day, he’s essentially your basic 72-year-old guy—it makes me sick. But when he gets a few lungs full of our capital’s hole chiba, he turns into the splotchy-skinned doctor-skeptic I married, thank god.” 

Experts have expressed skepticism of the upsides of manhole cover smoke, including D.C. Sanitation Engineer Grady Forester.

“If you’re not built like RFK Jr.—which is to say, ‘alive,’ but confusingly so—we recommend not sticking your head into the manhole steam columns and inhaling,” said Forester. “His constitution can only be achieved by surviving a worm to the brain and belonging to a family seemingly cursed by god himself. For RFK Jr., who appears to be running some sort of life-long experiment on what one body can endure, it’s all right. But for the rest of us, it’s best to steer clear of D.C. gutter gas.” 

At press time, Kennedy was seen gargling water from the Washington Monument reflecting pool before joining a press conference to bash people who use electric wheelchairs.

Awesome! Here Are Five Bands That Anthony Kiedis Isn’t In

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Red Hot Chili Peppers can sure be annoying at times, can’t they? It’s almost like most of the band is really talented but has been held back by one babbling, nonsense-spewing member for the past four decades. Well, if you’ve had enough of Anthony Kiedis, you’re in luck, because here are five bands that he’s not in!

  1. The Beatles

That’s right. The most influential and iconic band in rock music history also boasted a complete lack of Anthony Kiedis and his toddler stream-of-consciousness lyrics throughout the entirety of their career. We’d be lying if we said we didn’t consider this their strongest attribute. Toss on “Revolver” and enjoy not having to wince uncomfortably at John Lennon’s signature crooning.

  1. Slayer

Fuckin’ Slayeeeerrrrrrr! Did you know that the real reason these thrash gods have such a rabid following is because Anthony Kiedis isn’t their vocalist? You’d better believe people wouldn’t be carving their name into their forearms if they had lyrics like “eyo eyo ding ding dong diggyding ding dong” or whatever the Christ he’s saying in “Around the World”. Ugh.

  1. Echo and the Bunnymen

Echo and the Bunnymen are an awesome new wave post-punk band from England, and you’d likely recognize their biggest song, “Killing Moon,” from the movie Donnie Darko, which you were obsessed with during the brooding, pseudo-intellectual phase you had in your sophomore year of high school. Anthony Kiedis is nowhere to be found in either that movie or in any of Echo and the Bunnymen’s songs, thank God.

  1. Mayhem

That’s right, another metal band without a trace of meaningless words used solely because they rhyme in their lyrics. Mayhem is best known for their stellar 1987 EP “Deathcrush”, their 1994 album “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”, and a bunch of other albums that are really forgettable. They’re also known for killing themselves and each other in the nineties, but we don’t need to rehash that story.

  1. Guns N’ Roses

It’s true that Anthony Kiedis is not in this band, but to be completely honest, Axl Rose might be even more annoying. If we hear him yowl “Do you know where you are?” in “Welcome to the Jungle” one more time, we’re going to disembowel ourselves. Maybe Anthony Kiedis isn’t so bad after all.

Conservative Version of Goodreads Only Has the Bible and ‘The Art of the Deal’

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — New app Patriotreads, a conservative take on the popular social cataloguing platform Goodreads, only had the Bible and “The Art of the Deal” as books for users to pick from, sources report.

“We were sick of the woke nonsense pervading other literary social networking websites,” said Patriotreads CEO Tim Hersham. “These platforms are clearly discriminating against God-fearing citizens with their liberal brainwashing and anti-Christian bigotry with books like ‘Charolette’s Web,’ so it’s time for real Americans to stand up and do what’s right. We currently offer the only two books anyone needs to succeed in life. It’s obvious that anything else is just satanic garbage, so start a Patriotreads account today! Just know that any rating less than five stars will result in your account being suspended.”

User Zach Brenton commented on his experience with the app.

“Finally, an app for pro-American books like the Bible!” Brenton said. “I’ve been telling people for years that the Bible is the only book they need, but I’ve never actually opened it myself. Starting an account was just the kick to the ass I needed to get started on this bad boy. I’m about halfway through the Book of Genesis, and I can already tell God did a great job with it even though I’m not sure what’s going on. I can’t wait to finish this and get started on ‘The Art of the Deal.’ I mean, we all know how great Trump’s tariffs went, so I’m bound to learn a lot of really useful information from this.”

Sociologist Gwendolyn Stursk has been studying conservatives’ takes on popular platforms for years.

“Conservatives are always starting their own platforms after complaining that they’re being left out,” Stursk noted. “I mean, obviously it’s nonsense because it’s just predicated on them being angry at seeing Black or LGBTQ representation in anything, and it’s resulted in a lower-quality ripoff of the original in 100% of the cases I’ve studied. Have you ever watched a Pure Flix movie? You definitely don’t want to, and don’t even get me started on the Turning Point USA Super Bowl Half Time show. I haven’t had a chance to look at Patriotreads yet, but I can guarantee that it sucks.”

At press time, Hersham was open to adding the Harry Potter books to the platform, so long as J.K. Rowling kept up her transphobic Twitter rants.

Israel Sends 1000 American Paratroopers to Iran

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

JERUSALEM — In what many are viewing as an aggressive escalation to the conflict in Iran, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced he will deploy 1000 American Paratroopers to help secure the region. 

“We hope this deployment sends a clear message to any remaining resistance in Iran,” said  Netanyahu to reporters yesterday evening. ”There is no limit to the number of American lives we are willing to sacrifice to achieve our goals in this region. So long as there is a Republican or a Democrat in the White House, Israel’s military power will reign supreme. No matter how much American blood must be spilled, no matter how high U.S. oil prices rise, no matter how much the quality of life for the average American citizen plummets, Israel will prevail.” 

Vice President JD Vance has condemned backlash to the deployment, posting on Bluesky, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for the country that funded all of your country’s politicians’ careers.” 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.

Little Bit of Help Please! I’m the Man in the Box, and I’m a Little Concerned That Alice in Chains Forgot I Was Still in Here

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Look, the last thing I want to do is sound ungrateful for being the inspiration behind Alice In Chains’ first chart-topping hit. It’s truly been an honor, and from the bits and pieces that I can hear from outside of the box, it sounds like there’s a whole Seattle rock movement that’s really coming together! 

It’s just, I don’t know, it kind of sucks in the box. Almost like a gilded cage situation, if you will. I might even be a celebrity out there, but I don’t really have any way to enjoy it, ya know? I’m pretty lonely if I’m being honest. There used to be a time when some of the guys would like, crush up a handful of chips and kind of mash them through tiny slivers between the slats of the box and yell encouraging stuff like, “The song went gold!” and “We’re going to tour Europe!” But it’s pretty much been radio silence for a while now, and I must admit I’m getting a little antsy. It’s pretty hard to keep track of time in the box, but it feels like I’ve been in here for almost an entire year!

And look, if they just made the box a bit bigger so that I could fully lie down in it, I’d be willing to stay in here longer if the band needed me to for some reason. Like, I dunno, maybe a second song about the man in the box since the first one was so popular? I’ve been writing some lyrics, not sure if they’re any good though.

There’s just not much to do in the box, is the thing. And not to get too graphic, but as you can imagine, the amount of shit in here has only increased. I have a system to help with the shit levels, of course, a recycling system if you will. And again, not to get too graphic, but the lack of sustenance in the box all but necessitates the system. God, I’d give anything for those mashed-up pieces of chips right now.

I hope my wife and daughter are doing ok. At the end of the day, I’m doing this all for them. Surely they’re receiving royalties from the song, right? Layne’s a responsible guy, I’m sure he’s taking care of it all. Heck, they wouldn’t have given him the keys to the box if he wasn’t. What am I worrying about? I’m sure he’ll let me out of here once his schedule frees up.

JD Vance Greeted With Boos During Annual Visit to Wife’s Bedroom

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance was greeted with boos, jeers, and obscenities upon making a rare visit to the bedroom of Second Lady Usha Vance over the weekend, confirmed sources who decided to join in.

“Well look, as usual the fake news media is blowing this out of proportion,” said Vance before receiving a text from his mother that read “boo.” “I mean, who hasn’t been viciously booed by their family, friends, and complete strangers? Quite frankly, it’s the radical left losers receiving love and affection from their spouses who are destroying this country. Why aren’t we asking them why their wives always greet them with a warm embrace? These baseless attacks from so-called journalists are an attempt to distract from the president’s America-first agenda. Let’s hope that agenda also includes banning loved ones from sneering at the vice president.”

The loud incident at the vice president’s home drew the attention of nearby residents on an otherwise quiet night in Washington.

“I heard it from a quarter mile away,” remarked dog walker Jess Karlsberg. “It sounded like the Philadelphia Eagles’ stadium after a questionable call. My chihuahua clients went into a frenzy. I had never seen a dog experience secondhand embarrassment before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. The only thing that came close was when I heard the story of Stephen Miller getting booed by his first grade teacher.”

The vice president has been one of the leading voices condemning peaceful protests in recent months, leading critics to wonder if he will now condemn the peaceful protest of his own wife.

“Vance’s popularity has been on the decline for months, and we’re now seeing that his unlikeability extends to his own marriage,” political strategist Michael Sprow explained. “When you dig into the polls, some of his worst numbers are coming from inside the house. It will be interesting to see if the VP calls for any restrictions on the First Amendment rights of his family members. Gosh, I just can’t get over it. I can’t get over how much of a loser he is.”

At press time, Vance’s children were gathering in the family’s living room to boo their father upon his return. 

Canned Microbrew With Beautiful Artwork Shittiest Beer You’ve Ever Tasted

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OMAHA, Neb. — Hazy Cave, a microbrew you purchased at local bar Lucky’s, was the worst beer you had ever tasted despite the beautiful artwork displayed on the can.

“Oh Christ, can’t believe I was fooled yet again by a design,” you grimaced as you took another sip. “I was really psyched to try this because there was this gorgeous painting of a cave on the can that looked like something from the cover of a fantasy novel or stoner metal album. It tasted like a rotting grapefruit with hints of cardamom and tree bark, though. Honestly, microbrewers should spend a little less time on the drawings on their cans and a little more time on making beer that actually suits my exact palate. Jesus, I would prefer a lukewarm Miller Lite pounder to that. That’s the last time I order a microbrew based on illustration. Next time I’m just going for highest ABV.”

Brewer Preston Corbin proudly described his new product.

“This is by far the best product we’ve ever brewed,” Corbin gloated. “We contracted with an incredibly talented graffiti artist here in Omaha to design the beautiful artwork on the can. You can see the vibrant mist coming off the cave in the painting, and its slightly open mouth acts as symbolism for the act of drinking the delicious beer contained within. Of course, we spent so much time on the can that the beer itself was kind of an afterthought, but our signature process ensured that our customers get to enjoy the same high-quality product they’ve come to expect from us.”

Brewing expert Cecilia Flores weighed in on the situation.

“It’s common knowledge that the vast majority of microbrews are bullshit IPAs that all taste the same,” Flores commented. “But a lot of people who wouldn’t otherwise drink them will sometimes get fooled by beautiful artwork on the cans. The rule of thumb is typically the better the artwork, the worse the beer. Microbrew manufacturers will often spend far too much time designing their cans and not nearly enough time brewing quality beer, and consumers will end up shelling out $8 for a can of beer that’s worse quality than a Rolling Rock.”

At press time, Corbin had fired all of his brewers so he could hire a team of artists for future can designs.

Sovereign Citizen Makes Exception for Costco

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PULLMAN, Wash. — Sovereign citizen Ken Rodgers made an exception to his lifestyle of not contributing to the government with his weekly trips to Costco, sources report.

“All state, local and federal government institutions are illegitimate and therefore have no right to impose their rule on me,” Rodgers confidently confirmed. “I don’t have a driver’s license and my Ford F-150 isn’t registered, and there isn’t a thing anybody can do about it. I’m proud to not contribute to any of the revenue taken in by the crooked corporate organization that calls itself the government, with the exception of the 8% tax that’s taken out of my purchases here at Costco. I just enjoy those Boulder Canyon chips too much to keep from coming out here and getting some shopping done every week.”

Employee Craig Weathers was confused by Rodgers’ habits.

“This guy comes in here every week and rants to me about how common law was replaced by commercial law shortly after this country’s founding while I’m ringing him up,” Weathers said. “I’m just like, dude, I don’t care, and I don’t understand why you’re telling me this while I’m running your Cheez-Its and Mountain Dew Code Red through the scanner. Doesn’t this dude understand how sales tax works? Every time he makes purchases here he’s giving money to the government that he thinks doesn’t have rightful authority. If he was really adamant about his batshit views, he would be living completely off the grid and growing his own crops instead of buying Pop-Tarts every week.”

Political scientist Sandra Brewer provided her insight on the matter.

“Unsurprisingly, there’s a lot of hypocrisy in the lifestyle of so-called sovereign citizens,” Brewer reflected. “Clearly our government isn’t functioning in the best way right now, but bullshit conspiracy theories are never a good substitute for actions like voting, protesting for policy reform, or running for public office. If this guy really believed that the rules governing our society don’t apply to him, he wouldn’t be doing things like driving on taxpayer-funded roads to do his grocery shopping. Also, if he thinks that he’s not subject to the laws of this country, he wouldn’t have registered for a Costco membership, and he would just be walking out of the building without paying for his groceries.”

At press time, Rodgers also made an exception for Wendy’s after spotting one on his way home.

Man’s Veneers Way More Disturbing Than His Old Teeth

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — A local man’s decision to replace their rotting teeth with shiny white veneers backfired as they turned out to look way more disturbing than his natural smile, grossed out friends have reported.

“I did a shitty job taking care of my original teeth up until now, but I only got veneers so I wouldn’t look like some kind of halitosis demon when I smiled in public. And for a few minutes after the procedure I felt like a normal person again until people started cowering and running away. And that one guy was being a little dramatic when he pulled out a cross and started yelling at me in Latin, honestly,” said Troy Weathers. “Admittely they do look a little out of place the more I look in the mirror, like an alien put on my skiing and then 3D printed teeth. I wonder if it’s too late to get them taken out and replace them with some yellowed dentures? It might be more on brand for me.”

His friends were unanimous in their disapproval of his new look.

“He looks like Mr. Potato Head after rolling down the uncanny valley. When Troy’s mouth looked like Shane MacGowan’s, he at least had personality. Now he looks more like a haunted doll that wished to come to life, or some kind of prototype android a scientist hasn’t gotten just right,” said Caitlin Connors. “I can’t even look him in the face without gagging. So what if he was missing half his teeth before, his mouth told a story of bar fights, cheap beer, and intermittent brushing. Better his mouth look like a gutter than a toilet seat.”

Weathers’ veneer technician admitted the process was not without its flaws.

“This industry has a lot of ‘gray areas’ when it comes to ethics. So if people want to take the easy route to whiter teeth I’ll do it, no questions asked. But there’s something like an 80% chance patients will come out of the procedure looking like one of those cartoonish boardwalk caricatures or the bad guy from ‘Poltergeist II,’” said technician Gary Thompson. “If folks want to pay me to install the equivalent of halogen headlights in their mouth, who am I to tell them how to spend their money?”

As of press time, Weathers began ripping out his veneers with pliers after receiving offers from multiple traveling circus freak shows.

ICE Agent Unsure How to Conduct Pat-Down Without Leaving Bruises

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

ATLANTA — ICE agents deployed by President Trump to assist with airport security amid the partial government shutdown are reportedly unsure how to pat down alleged criminals without causing significant bodily harm, sources wearing wrap-around sunglasses report. 

“We’re barely trained on how to do our actual jobs, which is fine since I already know how to throw a solid right hook,” said ICE agent Alex Guerra, who was hired five months ago after seeing a recruitment advertisement on Spotify. “But airport security is an entirely different beast. I’ve already gotten yelled at five times for ‘using too much force’ during my pat-downs. How was I supposed to know old ladies bruise that easily? They’re the ones smuggling Werther’s and god knows what else through our nation’s great airports.”

TSA agents nationwide already claim ICE’s presence disrupts their own already-difficult jobs.

“It’s bad enough that I’ve been working without pay for over a month, but now I’m stuck training these buffoons for nothing in return,” TSA officer Seth Farley said after throwing a traveler’s laptop into a plastic bin. “It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even hear myself yelling at people to take their shoes off over the sound of them beating the shit out of people. Travelers are only supposed to leave our patdowns feeling a little violated, not looking like they just had a heated argument with Taylor Frankie Paul.”

Despite the backlash, President Donald Trump remains confident the ICE presence will prove helpful to airport staff amid increased callouts due to the shutdown. 

“Our ICE agents are frankly some of the toughest people we have in terms of security and getting rid of criminals,” Trump said while boarding Air Force One. “The TSA should be thanking them for all the hard work they’re putting in. Some of those people our ICE guys have to pat down, well, they’re not my type, that’s all I’ll say. You say you look bad because an ICE guy beat you up, I say that’s fake news. Most of these nut jobs were barely 3’s or 4’s before the bruises, if those even happened. They’d be lucky to have ICE rearrange their faces a little before they go to the beach for spring break. Which reminds me, I wasn’t on the island, and I didn’t see anything bad happen because the sun was too bright!”

At press time, ICE agents were unavailable for comment as they were busy helping baggage handlers break wheelchairs and walkers on the runway.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.