Why My Collection of Old Slayer Shirts Is Better Than a Roth IRA

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Who needs conventional retirement planning? As the saying goes, if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life, and that’s truly how I feel stealing copper wire from construction sites and selling it at various scrap yards in my town. And anyway, if that security guard ever follows through on his threat to beat the shit out of me, rendering me incapable of practicing my craft, I’ll have my collection of old Slayer shirts to provide me with a nice little nest egg. Who needs a Roth IRA?

Have you seen how volatile the market’s been in recent years? I hear about people losing all their equity in the stock market all the time. You know what isn’t subject to the unpredictable highs and lows of our capitalist hellscape? My vintage “South of Heaven” tour shirt that I stole from my buddy Craig’s house after he refused to chip in on the three grams of crystal we bought off that guy in the Long John Silver’s parking lot. That bad boy’s sure to fetch me a couple hundred dollars on eBay, which will easily keep me afloat for a couple months. And that’s just one of many.

Just look at this “Diabolus in Musica” shirt! Sure, it’s got what appears to be a mustard stain on the bottom left, and it’s without a doubt Slayer’s worst album, but that priest looks fucking awesome! Who wouldn’t shell out a sizable amount of dough for a chance to strut through the streets with this adorning their torso? 

You know what? The more I go through this collection, the more I’m convinced I have everything I need to live comfortably for the rest of my life. Hell, I may even buy a boat or a house in the Hamptons with what I have left over. There’s nothing wrong with treating myself. I can easily fetch hundreds of dollars by saying this shirt with the “Show No Mercy” goat demon is an authentic from the early eighties. No need to mention that I bought it from Hot Topic in 2008. What the customer doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

I’m also aware that you should keep six months of pay stashed aside for emergencies, but I also just unearthed a box of Pantera merch from the early 2000s in the back of my closet. So yeah, you may be stressing out about your finances, but it looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Impending Civil War Delayed by 2026 Weird Al Tour

Posted on by Sinead Rose

WASHINGTON — The imminent Civil War between the nation’s two political parties is reportedly delayed because of the 2026 Weird Al Yankovic tour, confirmed sources.

“Look, I’m just your average leftist who loves accordian-based parodies about food,” said Yankovic enthusiast Jane Murray. “I’m the union leader at my abortion clinic and the comptroller of my local Antifa chapter. When the eight other members of my intersectional polycule told me Weird Al was going on tour this year, I nearly dropped my fair-trade ketamine! That’s when I set down my street knife and put away the brick I’d been planning to hurl through my Republican uncle’s window. A wave of peace washed over me. Next year, there will be war. This year, there will be polka.”

Yankovic’s fans on the opposite side of the political spectrum also seem willing to put differences aside, at least for the duration of the tour.

“You talked to that freak, Jane? Yeah, I know her. I’ve seen her at shows. Personally, I think some time in a prison camp would do her some good,” said conservative Yankovic fan Jerry Fanklin. “See, I’m a traditionalist. I believe in freedom. And sometimes freedom means throwing commies in prison camps. But y’know, when Jane and I are both in the front row watching Weird Al re-emerge after his 27th costume change, I don’t see her as a commie. I just see another human being who knows all the words to ‘Albuquerque.’ And that’s how I’ll see her until the tour ends on October 17th. After that, my militia group has some plans.”

Dr. Barbara Sanchez, a political scientist and expert on civil wars, weighed in on the severity of this moment in history.

“Yankovic’s role in delaying the next American civil war cannot be overstated,” said Dr. Sanchez. “In our crumbling society, plagued with division, the only fact upon which everyone agrees is that Weird Al is a god among men. The problem is that once the tour ends, the war will undoubtedly commence. The only solution I can recommend is for Yankovic to remain on tour indefinitely.”

At press time, Yankovic has yet to comment on whether he will fulfill this sacred duty to his country.

House Democrats Release Video Singing ‘Imagine’ Together

Posted on by Todd Monitto

WASHINGTON — A contingency of Democrats from the House of Representatives finally took a stand against the rise fascism by posting a clip of them singing lyrics to John Lennon’s “Imagine,” confirmed sources.

“After seeing the footage of ICE raids threatening the streets and citizens dying at the hands of government officers, we decided a statement must be made. We had to come together and create one viral clip to stand against tyranny,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jefferies. “Nancy Pelosi was the one who suggested ‘Imagine,’ and I knew that was the answer. It’s such a poignant and important song. Though of course, this is Congress, so it was not without dissent. Pete Aguilar really wanted to do the ‘Cell Block Tango,’ but I was afraid that might send the wrong message. Hopefully, this will assure Americans that we will not sit back idly and watch this country be destroyed by authoritarianism.”

The video reached millions, leaving an emotional imprint on those who were feeling lonelier and more isolated than ever.

“I have neighbors who are immigrants and have been held up in their houses terrified for months,” said Samantha Conner, a Minneapolis resident. “But the other day I saw this video and sent it to them. They seemed to like it so much that they forgot to respond to my text. I think it’s really important to know that the government is doing everything they can to stop these heinous attacks.”

This message was even felt across the aisle as Speaker of the House Mike Johnson reports on seeing the video.

“I don’t know what to tell you other than that I cried,” said the Republican leader. “I cried and I showed my wife and she cried. Then I showed each of my sons and daughters and one by one they each cried. It was cathartic and made me realize how much we need to come together as a nation and implement Project 2025 as soon as possible.”

In response to the video, President Donald Trump posted an AI-generated video of him dumping feces onto Lennon at a protest.

Five Songs on My Sex Playlist That’ll Have You Saying “Isn’t This Just Cheap Trick’s Greatest Hits?”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Awww yeah, time to get busy. From choosing the most appropriate scented candle (Cinnamon Caramel Swirl) to making sure I have the perfect amount of lighting in the bedroom, I take my lovemaking seriously. Of course, this means curating the music to ensure it perfectly coincides with every kiss, caress, and pelvic thrust I plan on making. As such, here are five songs on my sex playlist that’ll have you saying, “Isn’t this just Cheap Trick’s Greatest Hits?”

  1. Hot Love

“I’ve definitely heard this before,” you’ll say shortly after I hit the Play button on my iHome and begin to slowly untie the clasps on my blue velvet robe. “I think this song was on the CD my dad used to play in his 1990 GMC Sierra 1500 while he drove the whole family to Ponderosa. Why are you playing this?”

  1. Hello There

“Wow, this song sounds exactly like the last one,” you’ll comment as I stride seductively toward you to begin our passionate coupling. Of course, any reservations you have about my choice of music will go out the window as my powerful kisses make your knees buckle. Thankfully, my Dragon Ball Z-themed bean bag chair is on the floor, should you lose your balance.

  1. High Roller

“Yeah, this is definitely Cheap Trick’s Greatest Hits,” you’ll confirm as my strong yet gentle arms guide you to my unmade bed, effortlessly sliding the polyester sheets and half-empty bag of Sea Salt & Vinegar Miss Vickie’s chips out of the way. “I think the cover was all of them sitting on motorcycles and glaring at the camera. These songs used to drive me crazy. Can you put on something else?”

  1. Dream Police

“I hate this. Honestly, if you don’t put on something else I’m going to leave,” you’ll complain as Robin Zander incessantly croons this song’s chorus over and over again, only to watch me huff indignantly as I roll off of you and sit at the edge of the bed, arms folded stubbornly while I insist that my beloved playlist stays on.

  1. Way of the World

“Alright, I guess you really didn’t want to get laid,” you’ll holler over your shoulder as you storm out of my studio apartment while I continue to sit on my bed listening to these catchy, keyboard-backed riffs, which is a huge shame, because you definitely wouldn’t have been able to resist if we’d made it all the way to “Can’t Stop Falling Into Love”. Maybe next time.

Radio Station Unclear on How, Why Anyone Calling To Request Songs in 2026

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

SEATTLE — Staff of Washington-based alt station WFRD reported complete bewilderment this past week over hearing a ringing phone in their office, which, once answered, proved to be from a caller requesting a song despite it being the year 2026, confirmed sources.

“Out of nowhere, we heard this ringing, which kind of sounded like it was in the studio,” said WFRD DJ Shayna Woolsy. “At first, we assumed it was from a song—we’d been playing Geese, so, who knows, right? But it kept going on well after ‘Taxes’ ended. Turns out, it was from a phone in the studio. Not a cell phone either. It was, like, connected to the wall. I’d never seen such a thing before. We answer, ready for god knows what, and it was this… guy? He wanted us to do ‘Trinidad’ next. We’d already been planning that, so the whole thing was a waste of time. What a creep.”

Before streaming, tapes, CDs, vinyl, cassingles, 8-tracks, and humming, calling into radio stations was among the only ways to hear individual songs, as noted by WFRD caller Reed Fisher. 

“I’m old school. I listen to the radio. I talk on the phone. I’ve even sent a handwritten letter in my lifetime. When I heard the new Geese, I had to hear more, ideally over my FM. So, I called WFRD up, and here we are,” said Fisher. “Getting through was not easy—they must be flooded with requests day in and day out—but I persisted, and eventually, I got to hear that Brooklyn sound.”

Despite the recent nosedive in intentional calls to radio stations, the practice did once enjoy wide popularity, as telecoms specialist Patricia Bamberg explained.

“Calls into radio stations made up around 25% of the nation’s phone traffic in the heyday of FM, which came to a screeching halt when Pandora launched in 2005,” said Bamberg. “Since then, when anyone does call in for a song, we immediately dispatch a team for a wellness check. They sign callers up with Apple Music, drop off some of the consensus best albums of the last 20 years, and give them with a smartphone, which they walk them through streaming on. By the time they leave, callers are usually looping Fiona Apple’s ‘Shameika’ all on their own.”

At press time, Fisher was seen knocking on his neighbor’s door for a chat, a move that led his neighbor to immediately call the police on him.

‘Power Couple’ Shocked To Learn No One Else Calls Them That

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NEW YORK — A local couple who have for years referred to themselves as a “power couple” were reportedly “blindsided” to discover that no one else has ever used the term to describe them, confirmed sources.

“We genuinely thought it was widely accepted,” said 35-year-old Emma Ainsley. “Between my job as a Director of Brand Empowerment, my work as a social impact advisor, and my online presence as a wellness educator, plus Derek’s podcast that has 67 subscribers, there’s just not much of this city we don’t cover. People like us usually compete, you know? But we’re a unit because we’re stronger together. That should be abundantly obvious to our friends, families, and complete strangers.”

Friend Melissa Fitzpatrick said she assumed the phrase was “ironic” or “aspirational.”

“I thought it was like when you call your cat ‘little king,’” Feldman said. “You don’t actually think the cat runs a monarchy. I figured they were manifesting. Or maybe it was, like, a kinky thing? Like they got off on saying it to each other before some roleplay. But, to be clear, I have literally never heard another human being use those words to describe their relationship.”

Publicist Brit Blefko confirmed that self-appointment is “not only common, but historically consistent.”

“Every major power couple you can think of today began by declaring themselves one first before it almost kind of caught on,” Blefko said. “You think anyone else was walking around ancient Egypt saying, ‘Wow, what a power couple, that Cleopatra and Mark Antony’? No. They curated that title on their own. Sure, there is no actual evidence that they used the phrase, but they did, in fact, wield significant geopolitical influence. That’s close enough. It’s only now that we can look at the lovers who aligned the Egyptian East with the Roman Empire in the greatest expansion of power the world had ever seen as deserving of the label, and one day the same will be true for this generation, with people like Emma and Derek.”

At press time, the couple confirmed they would no longer be referring to themselves as a “power couple,” noting that the title itself may be dated, opting instead for “a merger.”

We Sat Down With Future Supreme Court Justice Kid Rock

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s almost a certainty that, given our current societal trajectory, musician turned presidential confidante Robert James “Kid Rock” Ritchie will become a Supreme Court Justice at some point in the near future. At one point, we would’ve considered his not having a law degree, or even the apparent ability to read, to be a disqualifying factor, but that’s clearly not going to halt the inevitable, so we might as well resign ourselves to it. As such, we decided to interview Kid to try and get on his good side before he’s given the robes.

The Hard Times: Hi Mr. Rock, how are you doing today?

Kid Rock: I’m chillin’ man, just thanking my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for every new day in this great country, you feel me?

HT: Sure. So, we’d like to congratulate you in advance for your future appointment to the Supreme Court.

KR: What’s that?

HT: It’s one of the most consequential positions you can have in this country, as the Supreme Court is one of the three branches of the federal govern—you know what? It’s not important, but it’s going to be a job that President Trump—

KR: Fuck yeah! Make America Great Again! Whooo! 

HT: Ok. Well, anyway, do you have any plans for how you’ll be interpreting the Constitution? We know you’re conservative, but will you be more of a practical originalist like Justice Alito, or a judicial minimalist like Justice Roberts?

KR: I don’t know what the fuck you just said, but I believe in God, guns, Trump, and huge titties. Ain’t nothing wrong with any of that!

HT: We understand that, but the work you’ll be doing with the rest of the Court will have lasting effects on the life of every American for generations to come. We’re sure you grasp the overwhelming weight of this responsibility, so is there anything you’re doing to ensure history looks upon you as favorably as it does past justices like Charles Evan Hughes and Earl Warren?

KR: Fuck the mainstream media, fuck Fauci, and fuck Joe Biden! Let’s Go Brandon, motherfuckers!

HT: Alright, can you at least promise not to overturn Loving vs. Virginia?

KR: Whatever man, I brought my AR-15 and a case of Bud Light if you want to see me light this bitch up!

It was at this point that we counted our losses and left the interview. Here’s hoping that our upcoming interview with future Senate Majority Leader Kyle Rittenhouse goes better than this.

CDC Announces Final Eradication of Bieber Fever

Posted on by Todd Monitto

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced the final eradication of the Bieber Fever outbreak, confirmed sources.

“It’s been almost 16 years since this outbreak and if you think it wasn’t an active effort, you’d be sorely mistaken,” said Joseph Takahashi, a researcher at the CDC. “Ever since ‘My World 2.0’ came out, it’s been all hands on deck. Most cases we initially found were in the school systems, but soon it was infecting everyone. Cases were coming from office workers, food service employees, even health care. Nurses humming ‘Baby’ were spreading their infection to some very vulnerable patients. We knew we had to do something.”

The CDC spent the better part of the next decade working on plans to contain the outbreak. 

“It was a team effort,” said CDC spokeswoman Lynn Getty. “One of the most visible symptoms was the influx in men growing hair similar to Bieber’s swish. Our first plan of action was a change in Beiber’s hairstyle, but we quickly saw the patient’s hair morph with it. That’s when we came up with the idea for an antidote. We split Harry Styles from his One Direction counterparts and gave him the solo career. Soon symptoms started to subside as the patients’ immune systems were focused on this new pop heart throb.”

While Bieber Fever is officially eradicated, there is still a chance that similar diseases could emerge.

“Please keep an eye out for future symptoms that can form,” said Former NIAID director Anthony Fauci. “Despite its national headlines, Bieber Fever is not the only disease of its kind. There have been multiple reports of Swift Fever and BTS Fever, but they never took hold because the names don’t rhyme. Still there could be other contagious diseases in the future. Look out for artists who could be easily manipulated into a symptom. Like Drake Aches or Genesis Sepsis. I will advise installing a rhyming dictionary on your phone and checking proactively before listening to any new artists or entering a Macy’s.”

At this time, the CDC is urging all music listeners to regularly wash their earbuds and keep at least six feet away from anyone refusing to say “never.”

We Taste-Tested Five Different Weezer Album Covers

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Weezer is easily one of the most influential alt-rock acts of the nineties, and over the decades, they’ve amassed a cult following rivaled only by a select few other bands. They also have one of the most delicious discographies we’ve ever seen, and after years of resisting the temptation to press our tongues against their album’s liner notes, we’ve finally caved. As such, here is a taste-test we conducted of five of their releases.

  1. Weezer (Green Album) – 1994

We imagined this would have a rich, slightly sour but altogether pleasant flavor similar to a green Now and Later. However, we could not have been more disappointed when we ran our tongues over the band members posing in front of that green expanse. It just tasted like paper, with a faint cardboard finish to it. We don’t recommend.

  1. Weezer – 1994

Blue raspberry flavor was huge in the nineties, and we were really stoked to bask in the nostalgia of an album cover that tastes like Ka-Blueys or blue Shock Tarts. Again, though, this just tasted like we were licking a goddamn envelope. What the fuck? Why do people like this band so much?

  1. Weezer (Red Album) – 2008

Red’s always fun. Would it be cherry? Would it be strawberry? Ooh! What about watermelon? Honestly, we’d have been happy with any of these, but alas. Another album cover that just tastes like paper. Fuck Weezer. 

  1. Weezer (Teal Album) – 2019

This would’ve been a perfect opportunity for them to brainstorm a new taste sensation. You don’t see “teal” flavor anything, and we feel like there’s a bunch of really cool combinations you could make using lime, blueberry, and lemon. This could’ve been a whole new Ecto Cooler situation. Nope, they didn’t even bother. If we ever see Rivers Cuomo, we’re going to smack those pretentious, nerd-chic glasses off of his stupid fucking face.

  1. Hurley – 2010

OK, hear us out. We know this is going to sound insane, but this album cover tastes exactly like “Lost” actor Jorge Garcia. Granted, we’ve never licked his face, but we just know. We can’t describe it, but trust us. You need to run out and buy this album right now so you can try it for yourself. We’re going to stop this taste test here, because we’re actually a little freaked out after that one.

Minimalist Couple Uninterested in Adding a Third

Posted on by Shane Pauker

DENVER — Minimalists Mark Blake and Tara Owens expressed no interest in adding other partners to their relationship, sources in pineapple-adorned t-shirts report.

“Minimalism emphasizes owning less, but having functional versions of what you do keep around. That’s why all relationships should be useful and practical,” Blake explained from his all-white, predominantly rectangular living room. “Unfortunately, polyamory seems complicated and cluttery, so I’m afraid their lifestyle is out of the question for Tara and I. Just the thought of all those fluids and holes haphazardly scattered in my home makes me cringe. I’ve come to appreciate the simplicity of a straightforward, stripped-down wife.”

Critics of minimalism, however, have deemed the couple’s self-imposed monogamy restrictive.

“The Dieter Rams mentality is keeping people from finding the best D to ram,” self-described maximalist Andrew Clarendon claimed from a jewel-toned, debatably uncomfortable angular loveseat. “The only true path to quality is curating a diverse array of objects to sift through every time you open a cabinet. I have 12 partners right now — one for each dirty mug on my desk — and they each help me fixate on different, potentially diagnosable sexual deviancies. Look at the choices that a maximalist philosophy affords me: I get to both suck and fuck. It’s kind of poetic, in that it rhymes.”

Experts speculate that the sexual trends following home decor all boil down to economics.

“It’s all reactionary: At this point, needs are luxurious and luxuries are cheap,” asserted interior design consultant Alexa Cunningham. “If you’re a millennial who can actually afford a house, you’ve probably pooled your money with a spouse and have still blown all your decoration money on property. You get sucked into minimalist, gray, generic, bleak decor because it’s cheap and easy to unify — basically the same reason Tara is with minimalist, gray, generic, bleak Mark. Conversely, the amount you save short-term by renting saves money for maximalist hedonism — hence why Andrew can have the short-term thrills of a trinket-soaked apartment and, as we call it in the design space, ‘railing floosies.’ My condo-owner clients seem to be the only middle ground between broke and sexually adventurous, which is why they’re the only ones getting freaky Herman Miller sex swings.”

At press time, the minimalist couple were last seen critiquing the busy composition of the Brazzers gangbang scene they were watching on Blake’s laptop.