Fascist Historical Figures Ranked by How Badly Joe Rogan Wants Them on His Show

Posted on by Dan Rice

Joe Rogan’s last-minute endorsement of Donald Trump came as a shock to anyone not already familiar with his “I’m not a conservative, I just conservative a lot” schtick. Now that he’s discarded all token pretense of just being a “free-thinker,” it’s time to talk dream guests!

It’s always been Papa Joe’s deepest wish to sit face to face with the most prolific fascists from history and ask them hard-hitting questions like “Didn’t ‘The View’ used to love you?” and “Don’t you think it’s sad cops are sad because libs get mad when a few of them do murders?’”

If you’re scratching your head wondering “How can Joe interview these people, they are all long dead!” try to remember all the stuff they’re doing now with AI brah, plus the singularity and also mushrooms as well. Yeah, now who is stupid? Maybe do your research next time? 🤔😎💩

10. Fumimaro Konoye of Japan

One surefire way to become a guest on the Joe Rogan show is to get a bunch of people to compare you to Hitler, and we all know Hitler made a name for himself during WWII, but what about the men who made that great war possible in the first place? Today, as a special treat, Joe welcomes former Japanese Prime Minister Fumimaro Konoye, whose Wikipedia page Joe will read at him occasionally pausing to ask hard-hitting questions like “You did that stuff? Wow.” and “The bioavailability of fish protein is insane, right?” You’re gonna want an extra cup of Black Rifle Coffee and lion’s mane mushroom extract on hand as Joe breaks down how Konoye’s dissolvement of all rival political parties was a lot like his move to Spotify.

9. Ante Pavelić of Croatia

Ante Pavelić was the dictator of The Independent State of Croatia from 1941 to 1945, head of the ultranationalist organization Ustaša, and recipient of the Grand Cross of the Order of the German Eagle awarded by Hitler himself. After Joe harshly condemns his genocidal actions against Jews, Serbs, Roma, and anti-Fascists as “whacky” and “pretty nutty if I’m being honest dude” (right to his face!) the boys talk about how cool the Grand Cross looks, the importance of medals and the drive it takes to achieve them. Need nootropics on the go? Try Neurogum today. Use promo code JRE for $10 off your first order.

8. Engelbert Dollfuß of Austria

Fascist leaders are like highlanders bro—in the end, there can only be one. Of all the heads Hitler chopped off to gain the political equivalent of the quickening, Dollfuss’s probably… gave off the most sparks? I don’t know, I’m pretty high right now. From his humble beginnings as Minister of Agriculture and Forestry (before the libs took it over and made it all political yo) Dollfuss (or Dollfuß if you’re nasty) rose to become dictator of Austria. On paper, it sounds like he and Hitler would be great friends, but apparently, they weren’t because of some complicated history shit? Today Joe sits down with the former Chancellor of Austria to get to the bottom of this, but he doesn’t really pay a lot of attention and they wind up going on a tirade about trans athletes. Sick fucking episode, buckle up.

7. Getúlio Vargas of Brazil

Brazil, retirement paradise of Nazi war criminals and home to some of the fiercest fighters in the world thanks to genetics and an 80% Toxoplasmosis infection rate brah. Today Joe has the pleasure of chatting with Getúlio Vargas, who served as President of Brazil from 1930 to 1945, and then again from 1951 to 1954. Hmm, a lot of these fascist dictator guys seem to have gaps like that… probably nothing to worry about. Anyway, Joe helps break down how Getúlio is proof positive that America can work with, not against fascist dictators by sighting FDR’s support of Estado Novo before devolving into a diatribe about how young people are going gay to get into Ivy League schools, all brought to you by the good people at Athletic Greens.

6. Philippe Pétain of France

Should a country dismiss the legacy of a bonafide war hero just because he went on to seize control of the government and collaborate with one itsy bitsy Nazi dictator? Joe doesn’t think so! In the interest of fair and balanced media, Joe wants to give Pétain a chance to tell his side of the story. They’ll talk about how giving the slightest, completely empty protest to deporting French Jews to concentration camps wasn’t actually a big deal, why Charles De Gaulle was a cuck, and how to stay fit in exile way into your ’90s (hint, the secret isn’t soy milk bra!) Brought to you by Zip Recruiter.

5. António de Oliveira Salazar of Portugal

Stalin’s got the kill count, Hitler’s got the branding, but isn’t there something to be said for staying power? Serving as Prime Minister of Portugal from 1932 to 1968, Oliveira established one of the longest-lived authoritarian regimes in all of modern Europe. Think about that bro! Today Joe picks his brain about how to best ward off contenders to the throne (he’s seeing Theo Von in his rearview a lot lately,) how to get ahead in fascism by adamantly claiming not to be a fascist, and how totalitarianism and capitalism can totes coexist!

4. Ioannis Metaxas of Greece

Any Roganite knows it takes some seriously high T to become a fascist dictator, but pulling that shit off in the country that invented wrestling bro? Now that’s some real MAN shit. That’s probably why his whole country called him Daddy. Well, that and the fact that he demanded they do it. This week Joe sits with the Freethinkker’s Party founder to talk about how the Greek economic collapse of 2007 never would have happened with a strongman like him making all the decisions, the importance of book burnings, and how Pankration paved the way for mixed martial arts in 648 B.C.

3. Benito Mussolini of Italy

In today’s guest corner, we have Il Duce, the founder, the Ray Kroc of fascism, it’s Benito Mussolini! This is the man who showed the greats how it was done, and Joe will be quick to remind you that he means “great” in the Dan Carlin way, with a big “G,” not great as in good. He’ll say it a lot though, to the point where you start to think “Is this a dog whistle? Does he want it both ways or something?” Mussolini laid out the blueprint of government that would be copied and adopted by nearly all Axis powers, basically what Joe did for the carnivore diet. Anyway, Joe takes him to task with hard-hitting critiques like “Yeah I mean, I can’t condone what you did and what it inspired, but like, you’re an O.G dude, that’s undeniable.”

2. Ion Antonescu of Romania

When we think of WWII-era fascist Axis leaders, after efficiency, we think of very bad people who murdered Jews. Well, what if Joe Rogan told you that the dictator of Romania actually SAVED the majority of Jews in Romania proper from deportation to Poland? And what if Joe forgot to mention that he did so by killing 400,000 Jews in Romanian territories, seizing all wealth and property from the ones he didn’t deport, and pretty much just leaving the time and manner of their execution “TBD?” Well, Joe would get right on X (not Twitter) and post a correction, calling himself an idiot, but reminding you that you’re the bigger idiot for listening to him in the first place. Then he would go right back to directly influencing a sizable portion of the voting population.

1. Adolf Hitler of Germany

The man himself. From Duncan Trussell to Elon Musk, it has all been leading to this folks. For years Joe has been telling his guests that it’s completely unfair they get compared to Hitler. Today, he reveals that this sentiment comes from a place of love and adoration. If you thought his Trump interview was a sycophantic cards-on-the-table moment, you ain’t seen nothing yet. After some light token criticism over his extermination of “an unclear number” of Jewish people, Rogan invites Hitler to open up about what it’s like to be a victim of liberal media bias. Joe can’t post the video out of fear of being shadowbanned, but there is totally a clip out there of “The View” hosts praising Hitler before the leftist political machine made them reverse course brah.

Attorney General Nominee Matt Gaetz Requests to Be Sworn in on Epstein’s Little Black Book

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Former Florida Congressman and current Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz reportedly put in an unorthodox request today after asking to be sworn in on Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book, sources confirmed.

“Whether it was an argument with my girlfriend over her curfew or an illegal Democratic witch hunt over a tiny little alleged ‘sex trafficking’ violation, when times were tough there was always one book I could turn to for salvation: Epstein’s Little Black Book. Without it and the towering influence of the figures within, I wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s why I think it’s only right that I’m sworn in as your next Attorney General on this sacred text,” said Gaetz, giving a statement from his field office underneath the bleachers at a high school volleyball game. “I just wish that my good friend Jeff was here to witness this day, but sadly you can’t have a holy crusade without a martyr.”

President-Elect Donald Trump took to Truth Social to quickly make the historic announcement all about him.

“My friend Matt Gaetz, good guy, loves women, all women, young old, it doesn’t matter, he loves them all, but especially young. That’s what makes him great, he told me he’s going to be sworn in as Attorney General on Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that great folks? And let me tell you what a special book it is. A great book. People keep telling me my name is in there many times, many more times than Bill Clinton even, can you believe that?” said Trump, holding up a gilded copy of the book. “Well folks, for just $59.99 you can get a copy of the God Bless the USA edition of Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that wonderful? It’s got the Ten Commandments, only the good parts of the Constitution, and many celebrities. Let’s stop the madness and Make America Prey Again!”

Trump insider Glen Stephens revealed that similar requests have skyrocketed amidst the flood of Trump Cabinet nominees.

“President Trump has been appointing nominees so quickly, I can hardly keep up with all the requests for Epstein’s Little Black Book for swearing in ceremonies. Luckily we kept a few of the copies Trump left in the Lincoln Bedroom nightstands,” said Stephens, searching through a cardboard box full of confidential documents in a Mar-a-Lago janitor’s closet. “The special requests have been making it tough, though—Stephen Miller requested his with all the ‘ethnic sounding names’ crossed out, and Elon keeps asking if he can be sworn in on a flaming katana.”

Gaetz later announced that his first act as Attorney General would be to urge the DEA to reschedule Rohypnol.

Study Finds 100,000 Drummers Are Lost A Year In Stage Fog

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

DENVER — A recent study conducted by the National Drummers Association (NDA) found that upwards of 100,000 drummers a year are lost in theatrical stage fog.

“Our study confirms what we already suspected,” said lead researcher Jasper Curtins as he zoomed in closely on a concert reel of a drummer helplessly disappearing into the fog after a slight attempt from the guitarist to wave off a puff of the dense artificial cloud failed. “There are in fact hundreds of talented drummers helplessly lost in the mist every single day. Most concertgoers don’t even realize there are drummers sitting back there until the clouds clear and there is a lonely drum kit with nobody to play it. It’s tragic that the numbers are this high, but we figured spreading awareness is a good place to start.”

Local drummer Steve Fry was glad the statistics were finally made public, saying he’s sick and tired of being sucked into a cloud every time a song calls for an edgy vibe.

“Every show I’ll say ‘Hey guys can we let off? Do we need the fucking fog?’ and the show producer gives me some bull about how he needs the stage to look like a steamy subway platform out of a Stephen King novel. I mean Christ, I’m about to change my profession to wind chimes, ” said Fry. “I try to tell them that every time we fire up the fog machine I’m transported to a netherworld of horrors so immense that I can no longer sleep at night, but nobody seems to care. At this point I feel like I’d have an easier career being a fighter pilot navigating a hurricane at 40,000 feet. I’m tired of this shit.”

Mindy Flitz, a member of the Fire Department’s Drummer Safety Team, weighed in with steps drummers can take to avoid becoming a fog casualty.

“Drummers should be wearing goggles on stage. This can help them keep a clear line of sight once they are taken by a fog cloud. If they feel they are too disoriented in the fog to attempt to walk out themselves, then they should remain seated until the end of the show until a parent, or guardian can escort them to higher ground,” said a deadly serious Flitz. “A vacuum is another tool drummers should keep in their arsenal; vacuuming up the fog around their drum set might give them an extra 5-10 seconds of visibility. After this point, drummers should fire off a flare so we can locate them after whatever song the band is playing ends.”

At press time, Fry was seen setting off an aforementioned flare before being enveloped in a dense cloud during his band’s cover of Phil Collins “In The Air Tonight.”

I Follow My Son on Goodreads and He’s Reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” What’s That All About?

Posted on by Bob Kerr

So, get this—I’m on GoodReads to rate the book I just finished reading. (If you’re curious, it was “The Diary of Anne Frank” and I DNF it. One star.) So I go and check out what my son Brian is reading and I find out he’s reading a book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. Um, excuse me? I was going to comment on it and say, “Is there something you want to say to me?” But then I remembered that my profile is a fake one because I don’t want him to know his mother is keeping tabs. And no, it’s not spying! I’m his mother. And I wouldn’t need to resort to a fake profile if he wasn’t so secretive!

When he was younger, we used to talk about anything! He’d tell me how he was scared about asking some girl to the prom and I’d tell him how his father could never bring me to orgasm. I remember him turning pale at the thought of his poor mother, lying in bed, weeping with miserable dissatisfaction.

Speaking of which, he’s probably reading that book because of Gerald. Talk about being emotionally immature! The man wants hugs all the time! He’s 55! You know who else wants hugs? Toddlers! He not only has the emotional maturity of a 5-year-old, he also has the penis of one. I wish I was joking.

I’d say that I’m maybe too emotionally mature. I’m sure Brian would agree. After all, he’s the one who told me that I needed to get in touch with my “inner child”. Um, sorry, Brian, but I aborted my inner child once I had you. Sounds dramatic, but it’s true! Maybe I should write that on his birthday card next year.

Oh, now I see he’s put up another book that he’s reading. “How to Set Boundaries”. Not surprising. It might as well be called: “How to Get Your Father to Stop Being Such A Needy Little Bitch”.

Now that I think of it, these books are probably a cry for help. My poor little guy! I should call him. No, no. I don’t want him to think I’m clingy like his baby of a father. I’ll let him come to me. He always does, eventually.

Second Page of Tubi Search Results Offers Horrifying Glimpse Into the Absolute Dregs of Human Creative Output

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SALEM, Ore. – Local resident Lourdes Castello caught a horrifying glimpse into the worst creative slop humanity has to offer when she casually searched streaming platform Tubi for a movie she wanted to watch, visibly repulsed sources reported.

“I was in the mood to watch ‘Notting Hill,’ so I typed it into the search,” Castello said. “It wasn’t available, but I absent-mindedly scrolled through the results and became more appalled and fascinated the further I went. The first result was ‘Autumn in New York’ with Winona Ryder, which I suppose is close enough, but after that it went completely off the rails. I mean, ‘Bikini Hackers?’ What the fuck is that? I ultimately ended up watching ‘Hee Haw Farm.’ I just couldn’t resist.”

Castello’s roommate Shelly Lewell happened upon the result of Castello’s sordid plunge into the grim media depths.

“I walked into the living room and glanced at the TV, and I couldn’t believe what Lourdes was watching,” Lewell noted. “It was this unbelievably low-budget movie about a donkey farm, or something, and it had the worst acting I’ve ever seen. It was definitely a children’s movie, and I think it might’ve been Christian, but I’m not sure. Lourdes just had this glazed-over expression on her face, like she definitely wasn’t enjoying it but couldn’t help herself from watching. It was really grisly. I could actually feel myself getting swept up in it, as well, so I had to run out of the room.”

Tubi representative Jack Loganmeyers was not surprised by the situation.

“This is actually what Tubi’s business is modeled after,” Loganmeyers offered. “Very rarely will somebody end up watching what they set out to when they logged into our platform. They’ll type in ‘Interstellar’ and end up watching some shitty 45-minute documentary about the guitarist from T. Rex. They’ll try to watch ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and end up playing ‘Like a Country Song.’ Some think it’s sick, but we actually generate 90% of our views off of morbid curiosity alone. How else would we be able to stay afloat? It’s a free service, for Christ’s sake.”

At press time, Castello had finished watching ‘Hee Haw Farm’ and had headed to her local Walmart to peruse the bargain DVD bin for her next watch.

Report: Pop Punk Frontman’s High School Sweetheart Still in High School

Posted on by Dom Turek

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 35-year-old pop punk singer Ross Calderon’s high school sweetheart is reportedly still in 10th grade, grossed-out sources confirmed.

“‘Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,’” said Calderon, frontman of The Broken Swing Set Anthology. “This is a quote by my all-time favorite author on the politics of ageism, Mark Twain. I’ve never read anything else he’s ever written, but this quote resonated with me on a spiritual level. When people tell me that the age gap between me and my girlfriend is unethical, I tell them to sit and spin, because the second she’s legally able to rent a car in seven years, we’re out of this shit hole town for good.”

The couple’s friends and family are worried that the age gap could result in an unhealthy power dynamic where the teenager is groomed, used, and later discarded, but the teen insists there’s no cause for concern.

“Everyone needs to chill,” said high school sophomore, Hally Erickson, pulling on her cotton candy-flavored vape. “We all know that women are emotionally ten years older than their biological ages, and men are emotionally ten years younger than their biological ages, so we are both probably about 25 years old. He said he might even take me to their next show in Cleveland if I promise not to get jealous of other girls who hit on him.”

While the couple seems too engrossed in their dream of a “happily ever after” to listen to naysayers, relationship experts caution that a significant age gap often signifies deeper problems.

“There is a tendency for older men to prey on younger women, especially in towns with a heavy pop punk scene,” said relationship expert Donna Brady. “As you can imagine, Rochester is a hotbed for this kind of activity. Luckily these relationships don’t last long and usually come to an abrupt end once the woman’s frontal lobe has finished developing. Unfortunately, pop punk frontmen’s brains never fully form.”

At press time, Calderon was seen asking girls outside of the mall what colleges they planned to apply to.

So a Part of Your Ass Just Touched the Dive Bar Toilet Seat—Here’s How To Make the Most of the Next Five Minutes Before It Falls Off

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

Well, it looks like your worst fear has been realized: a portion of your bare ass has just grazed the dive bar toilet seat. While hovering over the blood-stained bowl, you slipped on a used condom and your knees buckled. It all happened so fast. You landed right onto three decade’s worth of caked on fecal matter, vomit, and unidentified bodily fluids. But you can’t blame yourself—your butt cheeks were drawn to it, like moths to a dusty porch light, or wraiths to the ring.

Don’t worry, there’s plenty you can do within the next five minutes before flesh-eating bacteria causes your butt to rot and fall off. Here are our top 10 go-to activities for the last few moments before you say “bye-bye” to your backside.

Hold a Zoom Vigil: Invite family and friends who will miss your absolute dump truck. Photos and videos are highly encouraged. May they remember it fondly.

Find an Online Mystic: Hypnosis is a powerful way to trick yourself into thinking your ass is still there. Life might feel somewhat normal, like living with a phantom limb.

Post a Thirst Trap: Take one last low-angle photo of your ass to memorialize it in all its glory. Post it to every social network, including LinkedIn. Your employers should know you’ll need a standing desk moving forward.

Prepare an Ice Bucket: It’s gonna fall clean off and land on the floor. You’ve gotta put it on ice before it starts rotting. Modern medicine has come so far—they might be able to reattach it to your body. At the very least, you can save it and sell it on Facebook Marketplace.

Boof a Rum and Coke: There’s no time better than now to drink some alcohol through your butthole. Might as well take the opportunity before it’s gone forever.

Hire a Caricature Artist: What better way to immortalize your fudge factory than with a silly caricature of it? They’ll be able to capture its essence and highlight cute details like the three moles on your right cheek that form the shape of Orion’s Belt.

Call Your Mom: This is an insanely good reason to call your mom. She’ll know what to do. Her decades-old healing method of chicken noodle soup, Sprite and Vicks VapoRub will make you feel better in no time.

Alert the Government: You might have some great benefits coming your way if you frame this properly. Injured at a public establishment? You’ll be swimming (without a butt, of course) in cash. This could be the lawsuit you’ve been dreaming of.

Sit on Grass: Find a small patch of grass to sit on with your bare ass. Some people say you can’t smell or taste anything through your anus, but now that your senses are heightened, who knows? Let your behind take it all in.

Let Your Partner Go For It: Most importantly, just let your partner go for it. Let them get up in there and motorboat the hell out of that cake — put a finger or five in the back door. Let them grab the ham hocks, slap the booty, hold a tea party on that dumper, whatever they can think of!

If you’re in need of further post-detachment resources, please reach out for recommendations on the following: guided ass therapists, prosthetic butts and glute support groups.

Grindcore Frontman with Writer’s Block Only Writing 19 Songs a Day

Posted on by Ben Friedman

FORT WORTH, Texas — The lead singer of local grindcore band Razor Masturbator found his creative output drop dramatically after his debilitating writer’s block had him down to writing only 19 songs per day, bandmates have confirmed.

“I used to write 40 songs about desecrating corpses within 30 minutes, and these past two weeks I haven’t been able to crack 20 songs. I guess I’ve just been in a good mood lately and it’s really fucking up my ability to fit three minutes of lyrics within ten seconds,” said frontman Russel Conner. “It feels like I’m just screaming about the same shit. If I can’t get over this writer’s block I might have to do something drastic like get a full-time job. Maybe in order to convey how sick our capitalist society is I have to be a part of it. What the hell am I saying? I’m an artist dammit!”

Conner’s bandmates’ attempts to inspire him have so far been unsuccessful.

“I’m just the guy who plays three variations of blast beats but even I know Russel’s creative burnout could tank our momentum. Shit, our label expects four more albums by the beginning of 2025! I get writer’s block happens but nothing’s been able to inspire him, not even our weekly viewings of fucked up Eastern Eurpoean horror movies,” said Sid Garza. “I pitched this idea of a 43-track concept album of inhuman growls but he said he’d rather his mind stay blank than take suggestions from a drummer. Sorry for trying, asshole!”

The band’s label rep was not concerned, as he’d seen this exact scenario play out before.

“Russel and the band are in good hands. I developed a little retreat for our grindcore artists so they can rejuvenate their sound. Basically I just send ‘em to the middle of the woods and they’re subjected to the most brutal living conditions possible,” said A&R rep Jeff Skinner. “Once, Pig Destroyer was struggling with material so I had them all thrown in a hole, covered it with razor wire, and left them for six days. They came back to the studio and used the experience to record ‘Terrifyer,’ and the rest is history.”

Later, Russel had a burst of creativity and wrote 30 songs in an hour after finding out his reclusive aunt died and was eaten by her cats.

Every State Champs Album Ranked From Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

After the neon fad thankfully came to a close in the late aughts/early 2010s, Warped Tour kids with extremely cartoonish t-shirts were looking for some more punk to defend, and boy did they get it in poppy droves from such bands as The Story So Far, Neck Deep, and Defend Pop Punk overlords/mainstays Man Overboard! Another victorious member of the DPP community are Albany, New York’s State Champs, who formed in 2010, and contributed a different yet refreshing sense of melody and catchiness to the Ak-47 goofy “movement.” Surprisingly to some, but not you, the band is still going strong fourteen years later with five full-length studio albums that we are about to rank from worst to best. For this piece, EPs, acoustic albums, and anything not considered an LP are disqualified from entry, so we aim to elevate by your greatest mistake. Easy enough!

5. Living Proof (2018)

We will go on record by stating that we sincerely like all Of State Champs’ albums, but this one is the most inconsistent release front-to-back, so it’s in the golden stinker spot. Honestly, “Living Proof,” the band’s third full-length studio LP, was sort of handicapped from the start as it followed their first/best two records, and a higher quality follow-up was a difficult feat. Maybe there were too many producer cooks in the proverbial kitchen which made it feel a tad more disjointed than prior efforts? Maybe the songs couldn’t cut through the static and remained frozen for both SC fans and casual listeners? Or maybe our opinion is wrong? Whatever it is, most of the songs are still gold from the insides AND the sidelines.

Play it again: “Frozen”
Skip it: “Cut Through The Static”

4. Kings of the New Age (2022)

State Champs are no strangers to collaborations and this, their fourth length studio album “Kings of the New Age” showcases that with features from artists like Mitchell Tenpenny and bands like Four Year Strong, Neck Deep, and Against The Current. It’s definitely a step in the right direction after “Living Proof” and the band literally, uh, proved that they were here to stay. That’s good because they’re good enough, they’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like them. Some minds don’t change but some bands do, and State Champs managed to pull off changing a lot but somehow staying the same… and we like it like that, yeah, baby, we like it like that! Let’s end this section with the beginning: Opening track “Here to Stay” has a killer riff and its execution and guitar tone is far, far more than just sound.

Play it again: “Here to Stay”
Skip it: “Where Were You”

3. State Champs (2024)

Self-titled efforts are effectively a statement from their start and State Champs’ fifth and most recent full-length is a more than solid one. It may not reinvent the wheel of pop-punk but it definitely will run you over and over to your favorite streaming platform to listen and give your .0004 cents to. Songs like “Silver Cloud” and “Light Blue” are undeniably pleasing and the band seemingly had a hell of a time providing each listener a constant refrain to sing. Also, it must be said that the band truly delivers in the best way live, so if you have a chance AND the change to attend a show, check them on their headlining tour supporting this album with openers Knuckle Puck, Meet Me @ The Altar, and Daisy Grenade… So can we get back to basics somehow? Yes. We. Can.

Play it again: “Light Blue”
Skip it: “I Still Want To”

2. “Around the World and Back” (2015)

Sometimes a sophomore album that comes out is essentially the same album as its former on steroids, or whatever performance-enhancing illegal drug the kids are on these days. While, and it semi-pains us to say this but not really, “Around the World and Back” contains “Secrets,” which is the band’s best single in their catalog, the band’s debut album contains zero “skip it” tracks and this one doesn’t. A silver medal is better than a bronze or none, so ATWAB stans should still stay stoked, but we know that they won’t as you readers typically focus on what we gaffed over any agreements, and we hate/don’t blame you for it! By the time this record was released, State Champs was already a headlining band and it was supplanted further by its success…

Play it again: “Secrets”
Skip it: “Tooth and Nail”

1. “The Finer Things” (2013)

If you were lucky enough to go to When We Were Young this past October in Las Vegas then you were treated to State Champs playing their all killer no filler debut full-length studio album “The Finer Things” in full for its eleventh anniversary. Even though “deep breath” gets confused for “dick breath” by a casual listener of TFT, we forgive the entire region of Upstate New York and the art of yoga. Broad/bold statement alert: “The Finer Things” is certainly one of the better pop-punk albums and most certainly one of the more high quality efforts in said genre of the 2010s. Said opinion that doubles as a fact means so much more than normal as the 2010s was EXTREMELY oversaturated with pop punk records.

Play it again: Excellence
Skip it: Nonentities

25 Descendents Songs Your Old Ass Can Listen To While Shopping For Skate Shoes Big Enough To Fit Your Orthopedic Insoles

Posted on by James Knapp

Wearing skate shoes is a great way to still show the world that you’re still young at heart even after all of the cartilage you once had in your knees has long since turned to dust. But it can be time-consuming trying to find footwear large enough to accommodate your arch-supporting prescription insoles, especially when you don’t want to compromise yourself by asking the seventeen-year-old employee at the Journeys in the mall for assistance. So to help you pass the time while your old ass browses the Etnies website, we compiled 25 songs by perennial youngsters the Descendents that remind you that it would be far easier to just give up and buy an all-white pair of New Balances already. (Listen along to the playlist while you read each entry, click here)

25. Sick-O-Me

Man, that opening riff sure slaps. Do the kids still say that? “Slaps”? Maybe don’t risk asking the hipster kid who works here until you’re sure or you will end up being a punchline on TikTok, an app you still haven’t figured out how to use.

24. You Make Me Sick

“Tony Lombardo was 20 years older than the rest of the Descendents” is something you can mutter under your breath repeatedly to convince yourself that it’s cool that you’re going to pay for these shoes with a coupon you manually clipped out of a Good Housekeeping magazine.

23. Sour Grapes

A song all about not being willing to claw for the attention of someone younger and cooler than you will make a great soundtrack for when you finally break down and make the Journeys cashier go in the back for a third time because it turns out you don’t wear a size 11 anymore.

22. Pervert

There was a time when this song would have been ironic and kind of cute for you. But now you’re worried that just being in a children’s shoe store at the mall will end up getting you on some sort of watch list.

21. We

We’re including this song to remind you that you have been married for fourteen years and that you have three kids who were with you when you got to the mall. Please look around you now to ensure that they are still there. Don’t see them? Well then maybe this purchase can wait for a little while.

20. Coolidge

Reflecting on your very uncool past and the mistakes you’ve made in your life really shows your growth as a person. Well, sort of. Your doctor did tell you that you should have gotten these insoles five years ago, but you said “no” at the time because they wouldn’t fit into your Vans slip-ons.

19. Bikeage

A song about the devastation of being a teenage junkie is perfect for reminding you that you haven’t been able to get drunk in eight months, and that the last time you did it was when you had three beers with your father-in-law during an early afternoon golf game. You felt sick for a full week after that.

18. ‘Merican

You’re probably old enough to have personally been present for every historical reference in this song.

17. Cheer

Hang on. Pop those wired earbuds out for a minute. Oh damn, this song is actually playing over the in-store sound system. See, you aren’t really that old after all. Just hope no one in your vicinity uses the term “retro” in the next few minutes and this could be the self-esteem boost you really need during this shopping trip.

16. Smile

Here’s a good song to remind you of the fact that, when you first walked into this Journeys, the cashier actively sneered at you. But it’s cool, they probably do that to everybody, right?

15. I’m Not a Punk

While you’re listening to the lyric “I’m just a square going nowhere,” we hope that you remember that you also have to stop by Macy’s to buy some more relaxed fit Dockers while they’re still on sale.

14. Everything Sux

Well, you finally found a pair of shoes you like that are also wide enough to accommodate your “balloon animal arches.” But unfortunately, they just sold the last pair to a twenty-year-old with intact kneecaps who can actually do hardflips and not those weird ‘90s frontside shuv it looking things you grew up watching. Man, fuck everything.

13. Kids

We used the live version for this song because sometimes it can be a little jarring to hear a live track when you weren’t expecting it. And hopefully it will jar you into realizing that you’ve been zoning out in this Journeys for 45 minutes while you left your own kids unsupervised back in the food court.

12. My World

Your doctor expressly told you that skate shoes were a bad option for these insoles. But shows what that egghead knows – he was probably a parking lot security guard in a past life.

11. Parents

Well, your kids aren’t where you last remembered leaving them. Let’s head back for one more browse over the clearance section and hope that this situation just resolves itself somehow.

10. Clean Sheets

Don’t forget, you also have to pick up dry cleaning while you’re running errands today.

9. Victim of Me

There are plenty of ways that life doesn’t turn out exactly like you thought it would. For instance, you didn’t anticipate having such bad insurance that the only podiatrist you can afford also moonlights as a bouncer at an erotic donut shop. But hey, plans change.

8. My Dad Sucks

Now that you yourself are a parent of three children whose location is currently unknown, you have a small amount more understanding for your own parents being tyrannical jerks your whole childhood. Also, you should inform mall security that your kids are loose somewhere on the premises.

7. Cool To Be You

No it’s not just your imagination, everyone in the store is looking at you. And not in the “hey look at the cool shoes that that cool guy is checking out in that cool corner over there” way – in the “maybe we should call the retirement home to see if he escaped somehow” way.

6. Marriage

If you ask the Journeys cashier if they’d be willing to let you adopt them, it might help your spouse forget that you have absolutely lost all of your previous children by this point.

5. Tired of Being Tired

When you wake up everything hurts. And when you try to go to sleep, as soon as your head hits the pillow, you suddenly feel like you have to pee – not enough to actually have to get up to pee but enough that it’s going to keep bothering you. Goddamn, it’s just fucking exhausting.

4. Get the Time

When you “get the time” you’re probably gonna have to go to a PTA meeting or drive to the good Panera even though it’s way out of your way. That’s all that happens when you “get the time” now, oldy.

3. When I Get Old

Well, no point in wondering about it anymore. Here’s exactly what things are like for your old ass – buying prescription strength shoes at one in the afternoon.

2. Suburban Home

Here’s a song that you probably thought was a sarcastic jab at the status quo when you were a shithead teenager but now would gladly give any three body parts to be able to afford any part of the current real estate market.

1. I Don’t Want To Grow Up

So, you’ve irritated your doctor, made everyone at Journeys uncomfortable, sent mall security on a hunt to find the children you’ve neglected and, despite all of that, you still haven’t found a pair of skate shoes that will accommodate your frail, old person bones. Yeah, it sure would be nice to not grow up – but since you’re already there, just buy the fucking New Balances already and call it a day.

Listen along to the playlist: