There’s nothing worse than a gray, flavorless steak. You might as well be eating a piece of shoe leather! Fortunately, we can give you tips on how to select the perfect cut of meat, dry-rub that is chock full of flavor, and give it that perfect char that makes you seem like the kind of parent who knows their children’s birthdays!

It’s not as difficult as you’d think, unlike remembering the specific day of the year your children first came into the world because you are always too busy working!

Select Your Steak: Not every piece of meat was created equal. Just like when you are desperately racking your brain to pick the date that seems most likely to be the little one’s birthday, you need to be able to make a decision. Different cuts of meat all have different levels of fat marbling, tenderness vs chew factor, and what connoisseurs call “butteriness.” Decide what you’re looking for in the steak (and in a family life that seems more distant every day), and pick accordingly.

Assume the Biggest Child is the Oldest One: This one can be tricky! Most likely, the biggest kid is the oldest, but you can’t take that for granted. The rule of thumb is that height and muscle density are the best way to get a good idea of a child’s general age or the firmness of a sirloin.

Dry-Rub That Sucker: Purists will say a good steak should speak for itself, just like those kids could maybe drop a hint if they were spring babies or maybe summer? One of them was around Christmas, it feels like. But rubbing your steak with kosher salt, black pepper, and our secret ingredient, a pinch of ground coffee will bring things to the next level!

Always Have Some Generic Gifts Ready: Keep all-age gifts like socks, watches, or maybe a bottle of schnapps (if they look like they’re maybe close to drinking age or just hit puberty early) around in your hiding place in your den, and make it look like you know anything about the lives of the human beings you’ve created!

Feigning your way through knowing it’s your kid’s birthday with a pre-prepared stock gift will make the entire steak cooking process go a lot smoother.

Always Charcoal, Never Propane: Wait, who’s that child? Do you have another kid somehow? That’s the neighbor kid? Right. Okay. Whew.

Let The Meat Rest, Unlike Your Conscience: A lot of amateurs cut into a steak fresh off the grill, just like they would say the first date that comes to mind without even watching their kids’ faces carefully while saying some days that seem likely. You need to let cooked steak rest for at least five minutes for its juices to reincorporate back into the meat, and you need to be absolutely sure you don’t accidentally say your boss’s birthday instead of the middle kid’s, unless you want to be sleeping on the couch and looking into divorce attorneys.

Bon Appetit!