Sorry for Asking if the Gig Pays or Not, It’s Just That I’m Not Fucking 12

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

First off, let me profusely apologize for asking if this gig pays. I had no idea how much it would possibly offend you, the promoter, to ask for logistical details about the event you booked me on. You’re right, after all, I was being “rude” and “greedy” when I inquired about the possibility of at least getting reimbursed for the gas it would take me to get to the show. Thank God I didn’t ask about parking validation. But in my defense, I’m not fucking 12 and have financial responsibilities to consider. But for real, I’m sorry. So terribly sorry.

It’s so easy to criticize somebody for wanting to monetize their time. I don’t even want to live some unrealistic rockstar dream. I just want to break even from ducking out of my day job early to make the ridiculous 2:00 pm load-in even though the doors aren’t open until 8. But you did make some good points about not booking me again for being an “upstart” so, once again, I’m sorry.

Yeah, I have a day job. I know, I’m such a sellout. Plus, my wife works the night shift so I had to hire a sitter just to play this gig. On average, gigging out on a Wednesday night costs me about $100 and I simply want to recoup that expense because I’m not exactly J.P. Moneybags over here. Especially whenever I’m closing my tab and you hit me with a “make sure to tip the bar extra since you were on the show.”

I love music more than anything. If it means I can keep playing shows, I’ll join a Limp Bizkit cover band painted up like a spider monkey. But I’ll be honest I don’t think I can keep doing your shows. So, once again, I’m sorry.

Hacky-Sack Circle Breaks Up Over Creative Conflicts

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

BERKELEY, Calif. — A popular local hacky-sack circle broke late yesterday afternoon up over key creative disagreements among its many members, sources report.

“I’ve loved my time in the circle,” said circle co-founder and part-time home brewer Ira Mullins. “But all things come to an end. Me, Jarrett [Costa], [A]Mos Defferman, that guy who wore a serape, Jennly H., Brady Berry aka BB Gunn, the Nathaniel Parsons Project, Ira 2, and Ed have grown apart creatively. I will always remember the countless minutes we spent kicking that sick ‘bag, perfecting our double hacks, free-styling, and watching BB attempt the Frigidosis without ever catching the freeze. This corner of the University of California, Berkeley quad witnessed some of the best hacks of my life. But we simply are no longer growing as a circle, and thus must go our own ways if we are to remain creative hackers.”

His fellow circle co-founder, Amos Defferman, echoed his sentiments in a different tone.

“Those motherfuckers were always stifling my voice,” Defferman said while weirdly squatting in the quad. ‘They were always like, no jestering! No spitting in the circle! No rocking a 15-minute Cloud Delay, just because I’m the only one who has the sick calf strength to pull it off! All those goddamn rules. By the end of the circle, it’s like they weren’t even in it for the hacking, they were just there for the fame and the ego, even BB Gunn. I’m glad to finally be doing my own thing and establishing my own circle, where people don’t have to toe the line about what Big Hacky says to do.”

Kenny Saunders, a nearby cannabis enthusiast, had been watching the circle for nearly 20 minutes from a nearby bench in the quad.

“I’m going to miss those classic moves, man,” said Saunders. “But I’m excited to see what cool new moves and wild flagellations they come up with as individuals. You have to believe that each of those guys had a little piece of hacky sack magic in them, and they’re going to bring that to whatever they do next, whether it’s more hacky sack circles or ultimate frisbee or even more hacky sack circles. Plus, I bet they end up doing a reunion set at Coachella, if they manage to get tickets.”

As of press time, co-founding circle member Brady Berry was initiating a new solo project by repeatedly kicking the hacky-sack straight up in the air.

Opinion: I Would Consume Less Misinformation If The Regular Information Wasn’t Behind So Many Paywalls

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Misinformation may be the single biggest threat to our democracy and unquestionably to blame for the growing divide in this country. But you know what? At least it’s free.

That’s right. I don’t have to shell out a couple bucks a month just to get the incorrect information delivered directly to my iPad every morning. It’s almost like you can’t put a price on misinformation. It’s worthless and I can afford that.

Have you ever tried sitting down and reading the regular information? It’s boring as hell. Especially when the misinformation is so entertaining. Like, how about spicing it up a little for your audience, New York Times? If I’m going to pay the same price for regular news that I do for Netflix even though I don’t pay for it at all because I use my ex’s password, at least throw some Mad Libs in there or something.

Misinformation on the other hand may be deceptive, harmful, and the source of my family’s arguments at major holidays, but it never disappoints. It’s like watching a train wreck of a Jerry Springer episode. I can’t look away even though I very much need to for the sake of my mental health!

Just the other day, I was reading an article from a completely free yet misinformed news outlet that was clearly just some schmuck’s half-baked opinion presented very convincingly as if it was the truth. Now, a guy like me can usually call bullshit when I see it. But this article on the benefits of fracking made some pretty good points about the alien lizard people who drink baby blood and vote Democrat stealing our jobs. The mainstream media seems to be curiously silent on this issue too.

Thankfully, some of the regular information gatekeepers of this country are nice enough to give me three free articles a month before erecting a paywall. That means one day a month I guess I’m pretty well-informed. But in all honesty, the rest of the month is a lot more interesting!

Local Man Who Always Brings Cases of Beer to His Neighbors’ Basement Shows Unaware He’s a Pivotal Member of Local DIY Scene

Posted on by David Arriaga

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Rick Anderson remains ignorant to the fact that the generous beer donations he makes to his neighbors’ basement shows are the main supply and lifeblood of the local DIY scene, buzzed punks confirmed.

“Rick is like the father most of us wish we had. He helped me build my bar and taught me about carpentry,” said Anderson’s next-door neighbor Chase Shelton. “Last weekend someone drop-kicked the water heater over at Charm House and he skipped the Tigers game to repair it for them. Then when my friend Dan (Rooney) had a leak in the ceiling of his apartment Rick let him crash in one of his kid’s rooms. I heard Rick made them pancakes then they got drunk at the zoo. Rick is the fucking best. He always shows up with a couple of cases of PBR and some sour IPAs from HOMES brewery.”

Anderson insists that since his wife passed and his kids went off to college, he really just needed an excuse to leave the house.

“This group of kids throws neat little parties all the time. Typically a couple of them practice music. It’s a little rough, but you’ll never hear me complaining about live music. I like to rock as hard as anyone. Maybe someday they’ll be able to play some Rush,” said Anderson. “I feel a bit out of place here, but these kids were kind enough to invite me. So I figure, why the hell not? This beats sitting at home watching ESPN. When I finish renovating my basement I’m going to invite them over to play one of their concerts at my place. Maybe we can all play some Styx together.”

Long-time scene veteran, Brenda Hill from down the street, stated that while they feel indebted to Anderson they might be too dependent on him, without him the scene falls apart.

“Our first and last Sunday night show was the same night as a Lions game,” stated Hill. “It was a disaster. We all figured Rick’s good for a couple of cases of beer, but he was a no show because the Lions were actually winning for once. Halfway through the first set we ran out of beer. Most people left for the bars before the second set. Someone clogged my basement toilet. Rick like, knows how to fix stuff, he would have been able to clear that up in no time.”

At press time, Shelton’s basement suffered a power outage which delayed the show until Anderson showed up to show them what the breaker box was.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Review: Type O Negative “Bloody Kisses”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each week, The Hard Times takes a look back at a classic album, some of which are easier to find through a cursory Google search than others. This week, we take a look at Type O Negative’s “Bloody Kisses.”

Type O Negative’s classic album, “Bloody Kisses,” was recently released in a collector’s edition package along with a book about the band. These items, when sold together, really make a difference in ensuring that you enjoy these songs in a way that is safe and hygienic.

What is Type O Negative?

Type O Negative is a band from Brooklyn, New York. Their album, “Bloody Kisses,” went gold and platinum thanks to the songs “Black No. 1” and “Christain Woman,” both of which are included in this special collectors sample edition. Not one to cry over spilled milk or blood, Type O Negative stayed together as a band from 1989 to 2010, finally succumbing to high pressure and clots in their creative process, presumably leading to a circulatory changing of band members over the years. Frontman Peter Steele died of an aortic aneurysm in 2010, which occurs when the aorta, an artery carrying blood away from the heart, disrupts.

What To Expect When Donating Blood

Donating blood is a quick process that is done safely with the help of skilled phlebotomists. To gather a blood sample, they will first need to know your blood type, which includes A, B, AB, and type O negative. While waiting for your blood to be drawn, you can engage in a relaxing activity, such as listening to a metal music album or reading a book or booklet. Donating blood can make blood available to those in need of a blood transfusion, especially in cases where rare blood types such as Type O Negative are required. Blood banks save lives, so if you’re considering making a donation, contact your local Red Cross today.

Ed. note — We have a feeling that this assignment was incorrectly assigned to our SEO optimization team. While they certainly did their best at making any of this sound natural, we apologize for the oversight and hope you at least learned a little about how important donating blood can be for your community.

SCORE: Still, this one gets a solid 4.5/5 keywords or other index terms.

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Accountant with Wife and Kids Has “guitar” At End of Instagram Username For Unknown Reason

Posted on by John Danek

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Accountant Keith Lowell has the suffix “guitar” at the end of his Instagram handle despite showing no signs nor evidence of having interest in playing music, confused coworkers reported.

“I’m a little late to the social media game, but it’s been very fun to keep my friends up to date with my various projects,” described Lowell, a 49-year-old married father of two who uses the handle @keithkeithguitar despite having not one picture or video featuring him playing an instrument. “I love sharing my creativity with the world, outside of work hours of course! Anyways, I have some really cool stuff in the works, follow along to join in the fun.”

Coworkers at DEI Accounting Services are utterly confused and disturbed by the presence of “guitar” in Lowell’s screen name.

“When I saw the username and pictures, I realized that this is Keith from the legal compliance department; I assumed that he must play guitar on the side and post his work here. Nope,” explained DEI junior accountant Lila Khan. “Not a single song, or selfie video, or picture of a guitar. One pic was rumored to show an acoustic guitar hanging on the wall which would have at least been something. But nope, another angle in the same room revealed it to be a cuckoo clock.”

“Otherwise, it’s mostly photos of his landscaping triumphs, a kid’s middle school basketball game, and a vacation to Ocean City, New Jersey. I’m getting strong serial killer vibes. I will definitely avoid him from now on,” she added.

Psychiatrists identified artistic delusion as a lesser known symptom of the traditional mid-life crisis.

“People in their 40’s will subconsciously entertain their teenage rockstar fantasies from decades earlier to very depressing results,” explained Dr. Paula Wringer, specialist in adult and elderly psychology. “Under no circumstance should you ask the subject about what guitars they own or what music they like to play—it could have a violent effect similar to waking up a sleepwalker. Just let them live out their story. Eventually, they will forget their password to that account and never sign in again, abandoning the username permanently.”

B.C. Rich Guitars has announced that they are releasing a new Keith Lowell Warlock signature guitar, featuring his customized specs and a grotesque blood-splatter paint job.

5 Other Times Phil Collins Watched A Kid Drown

Posted on by Dan Rice

Ever get the feeling that you’re stuck in the same cycle of events repeating themselves over and over again? We all feel that way from time to time. But whether you’re a serial hobbyist, a serial dater or a yo-yo dieter, just be glad your loop doesn’t include the gift/curse of watching children drown and writing hit songs!

We all know the story of Phil Collins writing “In The Air Tonight” after witnessing a camp counselor allow a child to drown. What most people don’t know is that wasn’t the first kid Phil watched drown to death, and it would be far from the last!

Phil Collins has indeed watched enough children die of asphyxiation to fill a book, and what a book it would be, but who has time for books?

Here’s our definitive ranking of the top 5 times the former Genesis drummer watched a kid perish and did nothing… besides ROCK that is!

4th of July, 1984, Martha’s Vineyard
A beach town on the 4th of July, is there a better setting for a child’s tragic drowning death? As Collins noted how easily the undertow claimed the life of 11 Billy Myers he jotted a few lines into his travel notebook that would eventually become Easy Lover.

August 9th, 1983, The Atlantic Ocean
It was 9 year old Simon Perts’ stuttering, futile attempts to call for help after falling off of a cruise ship that gave Collins the inspiration for the hook “Su-sussudio” in the song “Sussudio.”

June 13th, 1997, Cape Cod
Witnessing the drowning of 12 year old Anthony Haggins in the beautiful waters of Cape Cod didn’t inspire any Phil Collins song in particular, but it’s not always about that. To quote the man himself, “Sometimes it’s just about beholding the majesty of a child drowning in the ocean.”

September 4th, 1985, SoCal YMCA
If you’ve ever enjoyed the Genesis ballad “In Too Deep,” and who hasn’t, you can thank 8 year old Ryan Pateneli, a boy who thought he could swim in the deep end and was wrong. Dead wrong.

Just the other day
Remember the late 2000s when Collins announced he was retiring from music? Well, that lasted about as long as it took for him to watch another kid drown and then BAM, 2010s “Going Back.” We can’t wait to hear what future adult contemporary mega-hits he writes after the untimely death of 10 year old Andrew Panning at a community pool early this morning.

Punk Band Kicks off World Tour With 36 Straight Shows in Hometown

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

SHEBOYGAN, Wisc. — Local punk band Disquantify announced today they will embark on an extensive world tour, with the first 36 stops right here in Sheboygan, perplexed sources said.

“It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, you’re living the dream, but on the other hand, you really start to miss your friends back home,” said Disquantify guitarist Jimmy Jessup. “The road gets to the point where you don’t remember where you are, and that’s an eerie feeling. You’ll forget if you’re playing the YMCA Auditorium, Steve’s house party, a bowling alley, your old high school, or what. It all blends together. Sometimes it gets to where you can’t close your eyes without seeing white lines from the road. But hey, we get to tighten up and really dial it in right here in our own backyard, so I can’t complain.”

Fans say they’re excited and baffled to see the band line up so many gigs in their hometown.

“Disquantify kicks fuckin’ ass, let me first say that,” reported scene veteran Claudia Slocombe, scratching the back of her head. “But if you sleep at home for 36 shows in a row, is that even a tour? That’s gotta be at least a month, probably more like two or three. Don’t get me wrong. They’re exposing the lies and hypocrisy of this fuckin’ bullshit town, but at what point are they lying to themselves?”

Disquantify isn’t the first area band to begin a tour with an extended home stint, with metal band Menacing Onus setting a record 78-date tour of Sheboygan County in 2013.

“That tour was the wildest and craziest thing I’ve ever done,” recalled former Menacing Onus singer and current bowling alley attendant Brutus Shellbright. “It was everything I ever dreamed of, but it came at a price. My dad came down with cancer while I was on a loop up near Elkhart Lake. I considered coming back since it was only a few hours’ drive, but I couldn’t let everyone down. I knew they would have understood since I was so close to my dad, but I wouldn’t change a thing.”

At press time, Jessup could be heard explaining to a print shop employee that he needed 10,000 Disquantify shirts with “Sheboygan, Wisconsin” printed 36 times on the back.

9 Times He Was Just Kidding, Lighten Up

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I know you aren’t a big fan of Dave, but this is a really long tour. He’s a great guy with a colorful sense of humor, but he doesn’t mean anything he says. Lighten up and learn to take a joke every once in a while, okay?

“You look like shit when you sweat.”

You really can’t joke about anything anymore, can you? Honestly, I hate the term “snowflake” as much as the next anti-racist, pro-choice, left-leaning punk, but you can’t say someone is an unsafe individual with no regard for personal boundaries just because you don’t like his sense of humor. Besides, does anyone really look good when they sweat?

“During your set, I stole your phone and changed your Instagram password.”

This is hilarious–chill! Dave did the same thing to me, but before he deleted all my pictures and cleared my iCloud and Google Photos, Dave posted a bunch of super offensive shit to my Facebook. When I found my phone in a urinal, I laughed because Dave is the type of guy that will do ANYTHING for a laugh. LOL!

“We should have babies together.”

Was that really such a weird thing to say to someone in the back of a cramped, dark van with no clear exits in the middle of the night while your band is on a six-week tour together? Obviously he didn’t mean it. But if anything, I think it’s the kind of sweet thing people tell their grandkids when they ask how Granny and Pappa met.

“Good morning!”

Were you really worried that Dave snuck into your boyfriend’s room and watched you sleep or were you worried that he saw your night time retainers? I can’t believe you kicked him out for that! One time, Dave was hovering over my bed, but he poured vinegar in my ears and hit me with a pillowcase full of dog shit because the “Jackass” movies prove that physical violence is the best way to make your friends laugh. Not to be whatever, but, like, get over it.

“I invited my parents to tonight’s show to meet you.”

Greg and Marta were only trying to hug you and asking a bunch of extremely personal questions because they’re in on the joke, too! Dave’s parents wouldn’t possibly drive two hours to a venue just to see the rhythm guitar player in the opening band because they believe Dave when he says you’re getting married next month! Watching you squirm and tell Dave’s family that their son was a psychopath was like watching a live taping of “Punk’d.” Plus, I really think your band’s progressive post-hardcore won them over.

“I adopted a shelter dog with your name and killed it because you’re too beautiful to live.”

Come on, Dave didn’t really do this. And if he did actually kill a dog, it’s likely he stole a sick dog from someone else. Not like a healthy puppy or whatever. It’s pretty funny that he trolled you like that, though– but you’ve got to realize not everything is about you.

“I lit my couch on fire and pushed it down the stairs because you didn’t text me back.”

You know, it’s okay to joke about people that don’t text back even if you think the message came at a totally inappropriate time or that the sender was clearly making a shrine to you in their closet.  If I can see you read my message, don’t not reply without at least dropping a “haha” on it. Communication is a two-way street, and when it isn’t, it makes people do hilarious things.

“I’ll feed you to Lucy if you don’t go out with me. 💯”

Lucy is an emotional support animal and definitely not an intimidation tool, so let’s not jump to conclusions about whether or not your life was in danger just because you have no sense of humor. You should really check your assumptions about reptiles and reflect on why you think a nice guy you just met would want to do anything other than make you feel loved, welcome, and seen.

On second thought, Dave’s a piece of shit. You should totally get a restraining order.

“If you don’t marry me tonight, I’m gonna put you in my trunk, drive to the desert, and bury you alive. LOL”

This is clearly not a big deal because the text ended in a very chill LOL. Just because Dave is hiding in the bushes outside your apartment and tried adding himself to your insurance at the Co Op as a spouse is just tour hijinks. Sure, the tour ended weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean the fun should end or that the man hiding in the dark outside your window is a danger to your safety.

Vegan Stoked About Fast-Food Chains Offering Worse, Plant-Based Versions of Already-Mediocre Menu Items

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

DENVER — Local man and vegan of two months Gabe Rumsey voiced his delight over the abundance of tasteless, processed plant-based options being unveiled at his favorite fast-food restaurants, confirmed sources.

“I’ve always wanted to go vegan, but how could anyone give up those delicious KFC nuggets? I’d formed so many fond memories of just shoving them into my mouth at 2 a.m in depressive agony that I thought I could never quit them,” said Rumsey. “Lucky for me, they have these new ‘Beyond Nuggets’ that pretty much taste like unseasoned, deep-fried erasers. And I hear McDonald’s has a vegan Big Mac in the works? I can’t wait to spend $6 on that and feel nothing but numbness while I eat in my car.”

Rumsey’s new dietary habits have received a mixed response from his friends, who question the nutritional value as well as some of his claims.

“I was really happy to hear Gabe went vegan. He hasn’t stopped talking about his ‘reducing his carbon footprint’ and ‘increased energy,’” said friend Lucas Lund. “But I’m not sure how true that is when he’s eating like, 10 vegan sliders a day and the closest thing to a fruit he’s eaten is just family-sized bags of Skittles. I came over the other day and the only things in his fridge were a jar of Just Mayo and some hot sauce packets from Taco Bell. He lives a block away from a grocery store too.”

Tracey Tompkins, Director of Innovation & Product Commercialization at Burger King, cited Rumsey as a ‘perfect example’ of who the company is trying to reach with their plant-based offerings, like the Impossible Whopper.

“When someone makes a commitment to veganism, there’s this assumption that they’ll develop a whole new relationship with food, one that emphasizes freshness, sustainability, and nutritional content,” said Tompkins. “Mr. Rumsey, on the other hand, is content to consume any cheap room-temperature mediocrity so long as it’s been labeled ‘plant-based.’ And he doesn’t even seem to care when it’s cooked on the exact same grill as our meat-based products. Rock bottom standards like these show vegans can be just as undiscerning as anyone else.”

At press time, Rumsay announced that he will continue to improve his overall well-being by cutting out all alcoholic beverages and instead drinking six cans of Mr. Pibb every day.