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Scientists Create First Hummus Platter That Comes With Enough Pita Bread

PARIS — A team of international scientists at the University of Paris stunned the world when they produced the first hummus platter in human history that actually comes with enough pita bread.

“We were inspired by the ‘Space Race,’ in particular the mobilization of expertise across disciplines to achieve the impossible,” said Dr. Rene Durand, who oversaw the project’s $500 billion budget, funded by contributions from G-7 governments, the private sector and a consortium of restaurant-goers who are frankly tired of the bullshit. “Today, as in 1969, every person on the planet can celebrate our species’ great leap forward with this hummus platter. No longer will patrons wince when the appetizer arrives, nor spar over the few scraps like the desperate apes of old.”

Skeptics, including renowned scientist Albert Einstein, had long considered such an adequate appetizer to be the stuff of science fiction.

“Today, I have been informed I shall receive the high honor of a Nobel Prize for my ‘contributions to theoretical physics,’” read an entry in Einstein’s journal from December 1921. “While I am proud, I fear my failure to address the greatest problem of our time will be my epitaph. Just this afternoon I’ve been served another so-called hummus platter with: a few sticks of smallish carrot, a handful of pale, watery celery, and merely three (!) pitiful triangular portions of what my American friends call ‘pita’ bread. An insult! I had scarcely begun to enjoy the dish before the miserly supply of dipping apparatus was extinguished. I wept and pondered how society can continue to march forward without addressing proper pita inventory.”

The Restaurant Association of America, while nominally supportive of the culinary breakthrough, issued a statement warning of its downstream effects.

“Our four million members, largely small business owners alongside a handful of international conglomerates, are pleased to see the news from Paris,” said RAA President Dawn Sweeney. “However, while serving enough pita bread alongside hummus dip would certainly make customers happier, we are concerned that the creation of more pita bread – a monstrously complex and prohibitively expensive food to source, which only the most expert chefs can conceivably envision, let alone create — could result in decreased profit margins. We are committed to serving our customers, but will likely be upping the portion of very cold slices of red pepper which nobody wants instead.”

As of press time, Dr. Durand’s team had begun preliminary investigations into whether slamming burritos together at near-light speed would properly distribute the guacamole throughout each.