Mysterious Package From Taliban Delivered to Supreme Court Determined to be Congratulatory Edible Arrangement

WASHINGTON — U.S. Marshals discovered a mysterious package outside of the Supreme Court which was later revealed to be an Edible Arrangement sent from Taliban officials who admire the court’s recent decisions, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“There hasn’t been much action around here lately,” said Officer Jacob Inverness. “I saw a package near the top of the steps that seemed suspicious. It had some Arabic markings and I thought it could be some sort of bomb. But boy was I wrong, there was a postcard attached with a smiley face and a typed note that said ‘keep up the great work, you’re doing more than we ever could possibly hope for – The Taliban.’ It was a really nice note and I’m sure the justices are going to be happy to see the support from abroad.”

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas quickly made his way back to the courthouse to investigate the package when he heard it had arrived.

“I’ve been an admirer of the Taliban and their system of governance for years. I’m just so happy that I can now consider myself a peer. And they really knocked it out of the park with this gift. They didn’t waste time with any crappy fruits, it’s all cupcakes and candy,” said the Associate Justice while hiding the treats in his desk. “If the Taliban thought this last court session was impressive, just wait until they see what me and the crew have in store for the next session. I’ll give you a hint; if you’re a woman you might want to sell your car now because you won’t be allowed to drive it by this time next year.”

Noted Supreme Court historian Lydia Chalmers says this is not the first time the court has curried favor with maligned groups.

“In the case of Buck v. Bell the justices ruled that it was lawful to sterilize inmates at public institutions,” said Chalmers. “This caught the attention of a young man named Adolph Hitler who was trying to make a name for himself within the German government. Hitler loved the idea of eugenics so much that he actually made it a key component of the Nazi agenda. And it was all an idea started in America and affirmed by the highest court in the land. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. even hung the painting Hitler made for him in his office.”

At press time, the court mailroom was overrun with thank you cards from far-right personalities like KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to exiled leaders from the Khmer Rouge.

Neutrogena Releases Goth-Strength Sunscreen

LOS ANGELES — Representatives from Neutrogena announced they finally perfected a formula strong enough to be certified as “Goth-Strength” by the FDA just in time for the hot summer months, outdoor festivals, and beach days.

“We want our customer base to know that no matter what skin tone or subculture you are we view you as worthy of being safe from the sun’s harmful UV rays. After many failed attempts we were able to perfect our newest formula which is an SPF 250 and able to withstand the harsh demands of goths,” stated Neutrogena scientist Leif Forstfodd. “We proudly do not test on animals so all our research had to be done with actual goths and we are forever grateful for their service and sacrifice in helping our research. These brave, dour souls were exposed to extended time in the sun they hadn’t experienced since their parents forced them to play sports when they were children, and society is better off because of it.”

Long-time goth and avid hiker Wolf Shison was one of the successful test subjects and hailed  Neutrogena’s new sunscreen as a life-changing product.

“Thanks to this new formula I’m no longer constrained to only hiking at dusk, dawn, or the blackest of nights. I can go out and enjoy the scenery without fear of losing my near-translucent glow that I’ve worked hard to maintain. It has also come in handy when going to outdoor festivals as it allows me to ditch the lace umbrella and just have fun,” said Shison. “It quickly became a must-have with our friends and now we can spend all day at Hollywood Forever cemetery instead of just going to the nighttime events. It works so well that some of the groundskeepers actually think we are reanimated corpses, which is the greatest compliment.”

Merchants are already implementing a first-come-first-serve queue outside their stores to meet the demand.

“We don’t want to see violence erupt over a thing like sunscreen so we pre-emptively decided to set up a line outside with strict limits once we noticed goths coming in and being visibly disappointed when we told them we were sold out,” said local CVS manager Jerry Twine. “I don’t know if it worked too well because now they won’t leave even after they make their purchase. We’ve noticed groups of goths hanging around the entrance smoking, writing poetry, and reading H.P. Lovecraft stories. I have no idea how to make them leave.”

Neutragena’s parent company Johnson & Johnson hopes to break into another musical subculture market by unveiling a new line of “No Tears” shampoo strictly for emo adults.

What’s the Etiquette on Postering Over This Missing Person Flyer?

Don’t you hate ambiguous social rules? It’s like a guy can’t even go to a bar, get drunk, and take a piss on a wall anymore without potentially committing a social faux pas. So can somebody just tell me if it’s chill if I tape an ad for my band’s upcoming show over this missing person flyer?

I mean, how many times are we supposed to be saddened by this missing dude’s face? Not only does it creep me out but it’s been up for like three weeks. It’s not like I don’t wanna help the guy but this is on prime postering real estate! So what, do I poster over it? Do I move it to a less ideal spot? What’s the etiquette here?

You might not think so but there are a ton of tough decisions to be made in the postering game. You gotta walk that fine line between cutthroat advertising and common courtesy. If this was a missing dog or cat flyer, sorry but that thing’s coming down, no question. And if I let this flyer fly and some other promoter posters over it, everyone will go to that shitty show instead of my shitty show!

This guy’s not comin’ back. I can feel it. And be honest, do you think the fine people of this coffee house would rather be saddened by some family’s loss or be pumped that a show is going down? It’s this Thursday, by the way. Bring your friends. Shit, if you find this dude, bring him too! I’d put him on the guest list, but it’s filling up. My cousins are in town.

Gas Pump TV Ruins Only Three Minutes Man Has To Himself

MILFORD, Conn. – Local man Gary Miller’s fleeting moment of peace away from his grueling, hellish, and tedious daily life was instantly destroyed by the small TV installed on the gas pump, witnesses confirmed.

“It’s like they’re just actively seeking new ways to piss you off,” lamented Miller as he slowly plopped back into his minivan. “It’s bad enough that it costs $150 to fill this thing. My day started out with my two-year-old pissing in the dryer all over my clothes. Then when I get to work, the boss calls me into his office to chew me out over some shit that wasn’t even my fault. I just wanted to gas up in silence on the way home, and suddenly the TV is screaming at me about 2/$3 Redbulls in non-regional diction like a bullhorn two fucking feet from my face.”

Gas Station attendant Kyle Braun witnessed the incident firsthand and decided to leave it alone.

“When I saw his fists clenching and pupils dilating at the pump, I knew it was that stupid little screen with speakers louder than a concert,” Braun speculated. “I should have intervened when he started beating the ever living shit out of the trash can, but I know the feeling. I’ve got four kids. Heck, I almost went out there and took a tire iron to the whole thing myself. When he marched into the store, panting and perspiring, I just gave him a knowing nod while ringing up his iced tea. I threw in a candy bar free of charge, too.”

Local dissociative expert Henry Kline weighed in with his expert opinion.

“Men need an hour a day to lose themselves in a thousand-yard stare,” said Kline, eyes unfocused and hazy. “It doesn’t have to be cumulative, either. Five minutes staring out the window into nothingness, or fifteen doom scrolling on the toilet is fine. In Gary’s case, checking out mentally at the gas pump was what he needed to be a decent human for the next few hours. When deprived of these moments, men turn into animals.”

At press time, Miller was spotted hiding under his porch with the family cat.

Review: Nirvana “In Utero”

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at Nirvana’s final studio album “In Utero.”

This album is nothing short of iconic. It’s got classics like “Heart-Shaped Box,” “All Apologies,” and that one with Dave Grohl on drums. Aside from that, I think we can all agree that this album doesn’t have “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on it. Despite that one small hiccup it’s still pretty safe to consider this album legendary. And get a load of that cover.

As well all know Kurt Cobain was really into the ladies. Especially the insides of them. That’s why the cover art features the exposed intestines, womb, rib cage, several muscle groups, and delicate wings of a woman. In fact, the album cover image was so impressionable that it piqued my interest in human anatomy. So much so that I can now recite a slew of bodily fun facts as ice-breakers at parties.

Like, did you know that the human belly button is home to a couple thousand different species of bacteria? I would’ve guessed maybe a dozen tops, so we’ll just take the belly button experts at their word. Just know that people at parties will seem indifferent to this tidbit at first but believe me, they’ll never forget you.

Moving on, did you know that your left lung is about 10% smaller than your right? That would explain why the right side of my chest is noticeably larger. Dinner party guests might turn away from you after saying this one, even after giving them a live demonstration. But that’s only because we all process information differently.

Also, blood accounts for approximately 8% of your actual body weight. So whenever you weigh yourself, remember that a lot of that doesn’t even count. For example, I weigh 180 pounds, but only 165 if you don’t count red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets. I recommend talking specifically about blood at the gym where people care about their weight almost to a fault.

Another fun fact is that your ears never stop growing. Ever. Actually, don’t say this out loud at parties. It seems to make people feel self-conscious.

All that said, I can’t thank Nirvana enough for getting me so deeply into human anatomy that friends are actually worried about my mental state. I mean, I’ve only broken into a morgue a handful of times to get a closer look.

Score: 10 out of 10 exposed internal organs.

/**/

Band Not Lo-Fi by Choice

OMAHA, Neb. — Members of local indie band Tetracycle are pioneering a new lo-fi sound but admit it’s not intentional and only the result of being completely broke, sources close to the band confirmed.

“I don’t understand why any band would try to sound this bad on purpose, I’d love to have one recording where you can’t hear a distinct hiss throughout the entire song and you can’t hear birds chirping in the background because nothing was soundproofed,” said lead guitarist Dan Horton. “Our bassist found his dad’s old 4-track and we just decided to figure out how to work it since we don’t really have any other options. Maybe if we all work a ton of hours at our shitty day jobs and pool our resources we’ll be able to afford a laptop and Pro Tools or a proper recording studio session, but until then this is what we’re stuck with.”

Local scene veteran Jeremy Pfeiffer stated he’s a fan and is excited to see young bands with a low fidelity edge.

“I saw Tetracycle play a show last week and the gear they were using wasn’t fit for an elementary school talent show, I’m not sure if the constant crackling and sound cutting in and out was intentional but it sounded cool as hell to me,” Pfeiffer said, “I’ve had their EP on repeat since it dropped, it really has this raw intensity that would get lost if some Hollywood music producer got involved. I hate all that stuff with a pop sheen to it. I want something with some grit, something where you can hear ambulances drive by, and lots and lots of dead air because they couldn’t quite figure out how to edit everything together correctly.”

Writer Sullivan Young has authored several books chronicling DIY music scenes and has noticed a recurring pattern of how “indie” bands often come from surprisingly affluent backgrounds.

“In many cases, the bands who come from wealth and can afford access to the best equipment try to create a faux lo-fi sound,” said Young. “However, that doesn’t appear to be the case here. A good portion of Tetracycle gear budget is spent on non-superficially applied duct tape and fire extinguishers because their gear keeps spontaneously combusting. Most of the bands I’ve written about chose DIY for the ethic or lo-fi sound for the aesthetic, but this band is just plainly struggling.”

When asked about some of their own influences, the band cited Steely Dan, saying “Aja” was a collective favorite.

The End of COVID? This CamelBak Bro Is Sharing Water at Festivals Again

The pandemic is officially over, everyone! Much like a groundhog seeing his shadow, we have received the final sign that COVID is coming to an end. We just saw a CamelBak bro sharing water with strangers at this music festival.

Before the Coronavirus pandemic hit in early 2020, any large-scale summer show was guaranteed to have a series of staple characters. One of which was, of course, the CamelBak Bro. He’d proudly do his rounds across festivals with a downright frightening, yet inspiring, commitment to offering his chewed-up nozzle to as many strangers as possible.

Rumor has it that these self-declared “hydro-homies” were a major player in the World Health Organization’s early calls to cancel shows altogether, claiming that one culprit alone could cause a superspreader event spanning an entire country.

Over the last two years, most considered CamelBak Bros a product of days long gone by. A fable or tall tale from the before times. That is until one was spotted sharing again, marking a dramatic shift in the world’s recovery from the pandemic.

Wearing the latest edition of CamelBak’s Motherlode 100oz pack, Trent Baker stuck out like a sore thumb in the massive turnout of the Electric Palms festival. Sporting an impressive number of ticket wristbands documenting his attendance and heroic hydration efforts at nearly every major festival of the season thus far, crowds quickly began to notice and gather around Baker to avoid spending $10 on a bottle of water.

Now that the pandemic is waning, Dr. Fauci told us to “trust your gut” when it comes to taking Coronavirus precautions. That clearly means sharing a CamelBak hose with a dude you just met in board shorts. Our sources confirm that this obviously signals the end of the COVID era. Next, we’ll most likely be welcoming back the stoner that somehow pulls off sharing a single joint with an entire audience.

“Two Beer Queers” Fighting For LGBTQ+ Recognition

NEW YORK — Nominally cisgender/heterosexual individuals with amusingly low alcohol tolerances, colloquially known as “two-beer queers,” are advocating for their place within the greater LGBTQ+ community, confirmed sources who are completely buzzed off of one hard lemonade.

“There’s always so much talk about gay and trans rights, which should be celebrated,” said Grace Marshall co-chair of the Brooklyn Two-Beer Queers Equity Initiative (BTBQEI). “But surely there’s also room to discuss the challenges we face? In the past month alone, three different bartenders have checked to make sure I’m not driving myself home after my second High Life. And then there’s the way you can hear people chuckle before you’ve even taken one sip that sadly too many of us have grown accustomed to.”

However, some in the LGBTQ+ community worry “2BQs” could potentially cause image problems.

“We have enough trouble fighting against disinformation and harmful stereotyping as it is,” said Lindsay Medford, deputy director of the Staten Island LGBTQ Community Center. “While we always aim to be as inclusive as possible, it’s not the best look to be represented by people whose ‘coming out’ story involves vomiting after chugging two Natty Lights in their friend’s basement when they were 15. And despite their name, it seems most of them don’t stop at two, either.”

Dr. Robert Presley, Associate Professor of History at New York University and author of “Mildy Intoxicating: the Hidden History of Two-Beer Queers,” says that while awareness of the 2BQ community has ‘skyrocketed’ in recent years, there’s still much work to be done in clearing up misconceptions.

“The prevailing image of a two-beer queer is that of a 20-something woman who starts singing along to music on the jukebox after a Heineken and-a-half,” said Presley. “But they’ve existed throughout time and are limited to no one gender or age group. In fact, the oldest record known dates back to Rome in the time of Caligula. A frequent guest of the emperor was noted for his habit of reciting Claudan at dinner parties after no more than two goblets of wine. And people were far more understanding then than they are now, if you can believe it.”

At press time, representatives for the BTBQEI were in the process of joining a coalition of groups advocating for people who take two hits from a bowl and start looking at their hands in amazement.

10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Based On The 1997 Film “Con Air”

Songwriters will often take inspiration from real life whether it be emotions, relationships, or the culture surrounding them. On occasions, however, music’s origins can be less expected. Said inspiration can come from the 1997 John Cusack/Nic Cage/John Malkovitch action blockbuster “Con Air.” Here are 10 songs you never even realized were inspired by, based on, or about the film.

*NSYNC — “No Strings Attached”

Strings like a relationship? Get real. They meant no strings attached like no hidden details in John Malkovitch’s deal they planned to never actually make good on, and no hidden details in the terms of release they offer Nic Cage at the end which they will actually make good on. It couldn’t be clearer.

John Lennon — “Imagine”

They told John Malkovitch he was a dreamer, but he wasn’t the only one imaging a place with no extradition policy, and above him only sky. And as the true visionary Lennon was, he wrote this song about “Con Air” 26 years before the movie even existed.

We Are The Union — “I Am Like John Cusack”

Bet you didn’t even realize the singer from We Are The Union once had to stop a group of criminals from hijacking a plane and escaping capture… she also once traveled back in time via a hot tub at an old ski resort, but that’s not where the song title came from, that was just coincidence.

Tal Bachman — “She’s So High”

Though Tal says she’s so high, he has since admitted he gender-flipped so the song would be viewed as a love song and people would not realize the real meaning, as he was referring to the dead body with a message written on it that gets thrown out of the plane so he is literally so high.

Jay-Z — “99 Problems”

You know how people refer to large vehicles with female pronouns? So are you really surprised that ‘girl problems’ is referring to the issue of John Malkovitch hijacking a plane full of convicts? If you were a coworker, wouldn’t you feel bad for the cop dealing with a ‘con air?’ I would. Even if I had 99 problems of my own, I’d still feel bad for him… son.

Fiona Apple — “Criminal”

When she says ‘what I need is a good defense,’ people thought she was referring to her own wrongdoings plaguing her emotional stability, when in reality she was referring to how Nic Cage’s character was wrongfully imprisoned and ‘needs a good defense’ because he’s starting to ‘feel like a criminal.’

Green Day — “St. Jimmy”

It’s a common misconception that the “American Idiot” rock opera was about a boy leaving his small town and getting lost in the underbelly of the city. Literally everyone knows it’s about the 1997 masterpiece “Con Air.” And never more evident than in “St. Jimmy” when he shouts ‘I am a son of a bitch and Edgar Allen Poe.’

The reprinting of the lyrics omitted the commas, but he was saying he is like Edgar, Vincent D’Onofrio’s character in “Men In Black,” Alan Grant, the archaeologist from “Jurassic Park,” and Cameron Poe, from “Con Air,” obviously.

Foo Fighter — “Learn To Fly”

Dave recently claimed the song was simple: he wanted to become a pilot… this was obviously meant to obfuscate the true meaning of the song, as he says ‘I think I need a devil to help me get this right,’ blatantly referring to how John Cusack needed to collaborate with one of the cons on the plane to ‘get things right.’

Also, the bad guys have to ‘learn to fly’ at some point because they kill the pilot, so, checkmate again.

Red Hot Chili Peppers — “Around the World”

Most people would assume that when Anthony Keidis sang “ding dang dong ding dang dong dong doo dang dong” on the outro of “Around the World” it was just more of the beefy singer’s funk-rappin’ nonsense. But in fact, Keidis said that it was actually a misquote from John Malkovich’s character “Cyrus the Virus” that he heard while watching “Con Air” with water lodged in his ears.

Carly Simon — “You’re So Vain”

While many have speculated that the piano pop classic is about Mick Jagger or Warren Beaty, among others, Simon has stated repeatedly that the “you’re” refers to Dave Chappelle’s “Con Air“ character Pinball Parker. Much to Carly’s chagrin, the lamestream media has refused to acknowledge this explanation of her song.

Noise Band Deals With Existential Crisis After Writing Hook

DENTON, Texas — All members of local noise band Conflicted Hump-Feels recently experienced an existential crisis after accidentally writing a hook during practice, sources close to the band confirmed.

“I don’t know how this could have happened,” said guitarist Sherry Huang. “We were just making a bunch of random skronks until it feels like a song. But then I accidentally played a chord. And our other guitarist tried to ruin it by playing a different chord, but they actually sounded good together. Our vocalist tried to help by yelling at random pitches, but the words started to rhyme and it actually sounded, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, ‘nice.’ In the four years we’ve been a band we have never once tried to sound pleasant in any way. It goes against everything we stand for. Next thing we know we’ll be discussing the ethics of having a chorus.”

As news of the hook spread, long-standing fans of the band shared their outrage.

“I can’t believe these fucking sellouts,” said local music fan Bennett Bauer. “People sort of know me as ‘the guy who likes things that everyone thinks are complete piles of shit.’ The movies I like suck. The food I like sucks. I even like theater. But loving this band was a crucial component of that image, and now I’m going to have to spend a ton of time rebuilding my cred.”

Veteran music promoter Ola Marquez believes the band’s inclusion of actual, listenable music may throw off more than just their immediate circle.

“When noise bands try to become competent musicians it screws up the entire scene dynamic,” said Marquez. “Conflicted Hump-Feels were horrendous, but that made my job super easy. I never had to book them because I knew that no one was going to ever show up. Now that they have hooks, people are going to start wanting them to play shows and I’m actually going to have to respond to their incessant emails about jumping on gigs. How obnoxious.”

At press time, one member of the band has already quit, stating that they did not understand how their role as scrap metal player fits in this new direction.

Photo by Jana Miller.