I Helped Load in by Carrying the Emotional Burden

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

How dare you say I didn’t help load in. While you were carrying that 900-pound bass cabinet down the narrow, poorly lit, iced-over stairwell, I was carrying the emotional burden of being in this band. And we all know that’s the larger load.

Oh, does your back hurt from contorting to get the kick drum down those rotted stairs that felt like they might break at any moment? Well, my back hurts from all this emotional labor for the last six weeks of us being a band. Do you even know what kind of pressure is on me right now? Way worse than the pressure put on your body getting the equipment from the van to the show and back again.

When you get to the bottom of those stairs, you can put the gear down. It doesn’t stick around for days like my emotional burden. You don’t wake up in pain, paralyzed with shooting aches at the base of your spine like I do, emotionally.

While you were setting up the gear, I was setting up a mental partition to block out the emotional burden of singing these songs. While you sat through the way-too-loud openers so they wouldn’t have to play to an empty room, I was sitting outside where it was so quiet that I could hear myself think. And you know I have ruminating thoughts.

You get to just go about your life after the gig whereas I have to continue this emotional labor all day, every day, over this hobby we choose to engage with. Oh, and since emotional labor takes such a toll on my psychological wellbeing, I think it’s only fair you pay for gas.

Crisis Actor Wants to Direct

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – Local crisis actor Alex Perkins expressed his desire to burst out from his creative cocoon and start directing false flag conspiracies, confirmed clandestine sources.

“I’ve been blessed with a long and successful acting career, but now I’m at the point in my life where I have a burning desire to step behind the camera to express my authentic self as an inauthentic storyteller,” said a beret-wearing Perkins. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved being a crisis thespian since my first role as ‘Sobbing Parent Comforted by Cop’ but just like Hollywood actors I also want to grow and try something new. Hell, if Ben Affleck can do it, how hard can it be?”

Not everyone was excited hearing Perkins’ comments about how easy he thought transitioning to the director’s chair would be, including Jean-Luc Phillipe, a renowned filmmaker of over fifty crisis productions.

“Actors are all the same! It seems like every week I hear from another actor who suddenly has an ‘inspiration’ to do what I’ve trained my entire life for,” stated an irritated Phillipe. “Crisis directing isn’t something you do on a whim, it takes years of dedication and hard work to create an illusion that will fool millions of people into believing the local shopping mall just got shot up, or that there was another bloodbath in a school. I mentored an actor once a long time ago, but the finished product was so shit that CNN almost didn’t believe it. CNN!”

A shadowy figure inside Washington who’s been orchestrating hoaxes for the Liberal Elite’s ideological endgame for years stressed the importance of staying unified for the cause.

“You think it’s easy convincing the media that a bunch of actors with pig’s blood on their faces was actually shot by a lone wolf on the subway or by an incel with an AR-15 in a theatre? The blocking alone is a nightmare! And the number of orphans we need to hire, don’t get me started on the orphans,” explained the unknown Deep State operative with the use of a voice-modulator over the phone. “Fox News and other right-wing outlets are already onto us, so it’s imperative we keep our shit tight if we’re to achieve our main goal of getting guns banned before ushering in our tyrannical New World Order on behalf of the Clintons, Gates, and Obamas. But yeah, dealing with petty actors and directors is literally the fucking worst!

At press time, Perkins was seen breaking character as “Bank Teller #3” to give the director some notes on lighting, dialogue, and the craft services spread.

Top 5 Merch Guys to Watch, Like, They’re Probably Skimming the Till

Posted on by Dan Rice

For most DIY bands, merch is a $630 per year industry, and growing when you don’t factor in inflation. Musicians on the local/small tour level depend on that money to cover travel expenses, guitar strings, and the occasional gram of weed. With so much riding on this crucial stream of revenue, it’s important to hand the cash box over to someone you trust.

Finding someone dependable whose available and willing to work extremely limited late-night hours for $20 and/or some beers is a dubious prospect. In an industry riddled with flakes, drug addicts, and psychopaths, one wrong choice can cost your band dozens of dollars in a single night.

We’ve compiled a list of the top 5 merch guys that you’re going to want to keep your eye on, as in they are shady like they will for sure steal from you.

Trevor Marsden
Ever since Trevor retired from his job as a barista at the age of 27 due to anxiety and a mysterious wrist problem his “fascist” doctor refuses to verify, he’s been more than happy to “help” local bands. Trevor is too much of a coward to steal money directly, but he will give any potential customer an ear full about how fucked up it is that they’re willing to spend $20 on a t-shirt when he’s about to get evicted.

Alex Peters
A master manipulator and 5-time amphetamine overdose champion, Alex is a merch guy you wouldn’t wish on your band’s worst enemy’s band. At the end of the night, he will hand you a cashbox with less money in it than when you handed it to him. When you confront him on this he will bombard you with excuses so frantically that for a minute you will actually believe his claim of “the math is all fucked up,” and after that minute he will be long gone.

Kelly LaPointe
Kelly is the only #GirlMerchGuy to crack our top 5, but don’t let that make you trust her! Kelly is a single mother, and if she thinks you’re about to confront her about missing money she’ll tell you exactly how hard that is before you can get a word out. It is indeed hard not to sympathize with her struggles, save for the fact that the amount of kids she claims to have keeps changing and she always seems to have cocaine.

Shifty
It’s no surprise that Shifty wound up on our list, given that he goes exclusively by “Shifty” and no one knows his real name. Plus he stabbed a dude. Don’t hire Shifty.

Dave
Or was it Don? Dan? He’s your bass player’s friend, right? Wait, your bass player is saying that they thought he was your friend? Where is that guy anyway? And Where is the cash box? Fuck.

Woman’s Guttural Vocal Ability Discovered During IUD Insertion

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

LOS ANGELES — Grindcore frontwoman and recent gynecological patient Lexi Tyler discovered her never-before-heard guttural vocal abilities during an IUD insertion procedure earlier this month, impressed sources confirmed.

“I was told to take a deep breath by the doctor and then next thing I knew, I was death growling my way through what felt like Satan, himself, fisting me with a flaming glove of razor blades,” said Tyler. “For years, I’ve been trying to sing like that but have only been able to scream, at best. Who knew I just needed one archaic, dangerously downplayed procedure to sound kind of like that prick from Devourment. I just feel like kind of an ass for not thinking I would need to take a pain reliever before coming here, but hey, next time we play live I’ll just need to tap into this sense memory to get the brutal vocals I’ve been searching for.”

Fellow patient Abigail Lee was in the office for an ultrasound when she heard Tyler’s vocals from down the hall.

“You usually don’t hear too much in that place other than maybe Muzak sometimes, but that visit was unreal. I heard a sound from the other room that made Corpsegrinder sound like Cocomelon. I swear my baby kicked for the first time, or maybe it was headbanging,” said Lee. “All she needed was some chugging guitar riffs, blast beats, and a soundclip from a serial killer saying something like ‘eating guts is the only thing that makes me happy, and I do it because the voice of God told me to’ then you would have a certified grindcore classic. ”

Gynecologists across the nation have seen an upswing in the amount of metal patients asking for IUDs.

“The Supreme Court has made 2016 look like a practice run, except this time I’ve got metal and some grindcore vocalists knocking down my door not only asking for them, but begging for the most brutal IUD out there,” said Dr. Angel Moore, a gynecologist in Connecticut. “However, none of the patients have even come close to matching Lexi’s vocal ability. They’ve just puked, cried, passed out, bled profusely, all the normal totally acceptable stuff for people with uteruses to go through ya know!”

At press time, Tyler’s band Toxic Shock Syndrome has been gearing up for their next gig thanks to Tyler’s lingering cramps.

Landlord Pays it Forward by Helping Tenants Apply For Food Stamps, Only Raising Rent 200%

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo, — Local landlord Montgomery Hawthorne Jr. found a way to give back to his financially struggling residents by providing easy access to Food Stamp applications with every rent hike, confirmed sources wondering if they can move back in with their parents.

“I provide a service, a much-needed service, some would call it an essential, specifically to those less fortunate than I,” stated Hawthorne while loosening his belt after a hearty meal. “These poor souls get to cram their particle board Ikea furniture into one of the lesser houses my father left me. I know that this effective tripling of the rent may be hard on them, but that’s why I included a PDF of a QR code that takes you to the government food stamps site. Some people say this work is passive. I scoff at the silly notion. It’s tough work looking up the email addresses of all my tenants every time the price goes up. Just last week I texted a pair of tenants to mow their lawn, that was exhausting.”

Tenants at one of Hawthorne’s properties reported financial devastation after their most recent rent increase, yet claim this has been their best rental experience to date.

“Honestly, the EBT application process has been a bureaucratic nightmare,” stated longtime tenant Joey Caldura. “It was pretty convenient to have the application link handy the moment we were made aware our entire food budget would be going to rent instead. I figure until it gets approved we can try skipping meals for a bit, perhaps forage some pine nuts and edible mushrooms in the backyard. One time Monty Jr. helped us fix the water heater himself instead of hiring a professional. We’re still cleaning up from the flood damage that our deposit is responsible for, but we appreciate that he got it done without immediately raising the rent to cover the costs.”

Blackstone CEO, Stephen A. Schwarzman, shared an enthusiastic outlook on the future of the symbiotic nature of tenant-landlord financial relationships.

“I encourage land barons across the nation to do slightly more than the bare minimum that is legally required,” stated Schwarzman. “Establishing these courteous and charitable deeds as standard makes it increasingly easy for proprietors to form new tax write-offs. We here at Blackstone promise to continue hoarding as much housing as possible, driving up market rates to unbelievable record highs. Tenants should rest assured these houses will be rentable until they are only mildly profitable at which case they will be converted to AirBNBs.”

At press time, landlords across the nation were “sharing the love” by paying for pet euthanasias before tenants move into pet-free housing.

How Positive Thinking, Vision Boarding and 10 Thousand Dollars Will Get You a Ticket to Burning Man

Posted on by Chris Bratton

Let’s face it, everything is absolute shit right now. It seems like everyone is draped in darkness and nothing remains that can unite us. But let me reassure you that there is something out there that is still pure, open to all, and untouched by the greedy claws of capitalism. It’s called “Burning Man” and we can tell you that chill vibes will get you there, so believe it and believe in it. Also, take out about ten thousand dollars.

Positive thinking showed me that everything and nothing is a miracle, I was microdosing acid and had just chowed down a couple of caps of mushrooms. Start with hallucinogens or molly or whatever is laying around your mid-century modern bungalow. I didn’t garner the kind of positive thinking it takes to sun my taint or understand 80% of the lifestyle articles on GOOP by wearing a suit to work like my dad. But also Dads can help with that 10k so don’t use positive thinking to burn that bridge.

Next is vision boarding, don’t think about what you want but think about what you fucking need. I put a picture of a 170-foot fully furnished sprinter van with full plumbing, a fridge full of cheese, and queen size bed for example. Bam! I didn’t have to shit in the porta-potties, I always had fresh fromage and a mattress to hide my coke under.

Put up some pics of costume ideas too because you have to look fresh. I cross-referenced sexy anime aliens and spooky spiders for last year’s soiree and I ended up looking like a fucking king. That 10k? Well, I think you know by now that should be tacked up there.

Hopefully, by this point, you are self-assured that you deserve this because a lot of people want this and they are most likely poor or gross or both. That’s why you are going to need the 10k. Last year I was a little bit short so I sold my mom’s peloton to a reiki masseuse to make up the diff. The money helps out in getting a ticket, camping pass, glamper van rental, drugs, organic body paint, lambskin condoms, bottles of mead from a guy name Derrick and all the other essentials that it takes to truly experience art and music in a desert.

Cool: The Overly Friendly Guy Next to Our Campsite Is Going to Be a Problem

Posted on by Chris Bratton

“Always be prepared” is the motto of the Boy Scouts, I think. While recently camping I deluded myself that I was prepared for anything. Ready to say Fuck You to mosquitos and tent poles that keep snapping open. Even accepted the fact that some person with filthy feet would eventually start playing the guitar. But there was a horror no wilderness survival guide could ever prepare me for, a chatty man in a Señor Frog’s t-shirt and cutoffs.

I am 100% behind a solid head nod to any passerby, I am not a monster. But there is a reason I have escaped to the woods instead of doing something like I don’t know, eating dinner at a communal table at Benihanas.

How could I possibly enjoy making a s’more with this animal running around asking what people are having for dinner and trying to pet their dogs? I knew he was two beers away from walking back over and telling us about his ex-wife, and he did and it turns out he doesn’t much care for her. Bear Grylls wouldn’t have lasted a minute in the wild listening to this guy talk about Stryper, no fucking way.

He told me the rangers don’t patrol after dark. What could that possibly mean?

The only thing I want to do after dark is drink twelve beers in front of a fire and obnoxiously walk around with a headlamp turned on. The only thing he wanted to do was make a lot of eye contact and throw half-smoked Pall Malls into our fire ring. He also kept telling my wife that she was a “real” woman which I think is a compliment but then offered her a loose hot dog though he wasn’t grilling.

“I recently found Jesus,” he told us while setting up a hammock uncomfortably close to our tent. “I am going to watch over you as he watches over me.” Poof, the chance of me sleeping had evaporated.

In the morning I was sure he would be cleaning the ax he murdered us with but he was still drinking tall boys and offered us eggs benedict.

Woman Uses Freshly Plucked Chin Hair to Restring Guitar

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

BOSTON — Local guitarist Lacey Buntz successfully replaced the low E string on her acoustic guitar using a thick, incredibly long, jet-black, chin hair she had plucked from her chin moments earlier, confirmed multiple sources.

“I was just noodling away at home when a string snapped and whipped me across the face,” explained Buntz, a founding member of local post-hardcore band Heavy Setting. “I knew I didn’t have any spare strings in the house so I had to get creative. I’ll be honest, I’ve been in a romantic dry spell lately so my normal grooming habits have lapsed, but that worked out because I have this chin hair that grows like a weed and I knew it would do the trick. I grabbed my tweezers and within seconds I had a hair long enough to restring the guitar with room to spare.”

“It’s good to keep a stash of those thick under-chin hairs ready for plucking when they’re needed. The satisfaction of yanking a super thick dinger is only heightened when you can put that bad boy to good use,” she added.

Heavy Setting vocalist Jessie Clink admits to being continuously impressed by his bandmate’s resourcefulness.

“Lacey sent the band a picture of the 25-inch coil she pulled from her face last night. At first, I was worried it might actually be too thick to make work, but Lacey is on another level and she was able to make that hair sound so clean,” beamed Clink. “She’s been using extra long body hairs to restring our instruments for a while now. The absolute beast she pulled from her ass crack last month is still holding our drummer’s cymbal rig together. That thing could have moored a yacht to a dock it was so burly. We’re really lucky to have someone like her in the band.”

Anton Stock, a representative from Ernie Ball Guitar Strings, hopes this trend won’t catch on among other musicians.

“Human hair doesn’t have as great a sound quality as our range of strings, but it is surprisingly pretty close,” Stock revealed. “We’ve invested a lot of money in hair removal and razor companies to continue to insist that body hair is so unsightly that it must be removed and discarded immediately. We actually have one woman we keep on our payroll to prevent her from selling the one hair around her areola to bass players who need durable strings that last.”

Buntz is currently in the early stages of a Kickstarter campaign and was last seen trying to wind suspiciously thick, black strings into small plastic packaging.

I’m JD Power and These Are My Associates, Sure Would Be a Shame if Your Car Didn’t Win Any Awards

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

When you think of trustworthy, dependable reviews of automobile dependability and capacity, there is only one name you think of. If you need someone to keep you in the loop of car industry market research and let you know about that Honda you are thinking of buying, you only go to one guy. That guy is me. I’m JD Power, and these are my associates. It sure would be a shame if your car didn’t happen to win any awards, now isn’t it?

Ah, how nice. Here is a whole new model of an off-road sports vehicle, ready for the upcoming 2023 line. You know, we all have a need for adventure in our soul, but some needs are deeper than others. There is the need to freely drive in the open wilderness, wearing a Patagonia vest. There is a need for the raw horsepower of a vehicle like this to appreciate nature from within your car. And then there’s the need for JD Power and his associates to get fucking paid.

Listen, how are you going to market this shiny piece of junk without a bunch of our awards under your arm, huh? Do you think anyone buys shit in the auto industry without me and my associates’ say-so?

Think again, motherfucker. This is JD Power territory. And that of my associates.

I bet you’d like to win “Best Torque in Its Class,” huh? Yeah, you would. That’s the sweetest little plum of an award that anyone could want. That would be great for this little ol’ off-roader of yours. Probably move an extra two, three million units, easy.

You know what you should be worrying about? Winning the “Safest Person in the Room Right Now” award. That’s not a threat, by the way. That is an actual award that my associate over there, G.R. Knuckles is menacingly holding. Trust me, you do not want to lose that award.

Listen, nobody around here wins an award for torque, safety, or best fucking cupholders without Ol’ JD Power dipping his beak in the good stuff. And that means the associates get a taste too, get it?

If you want to see your modernized, environmentally-friendly off-road sports vehicle in a weird commercial in which a group of actors pretends to be shocked about seeing a car, just do the right thing and kick a piece over to me, JD Power, and them, my associates.

If you know what is good for you. JD Power does.

And so do his associates.

Man Hates All Conservatives Except For Ones Who Make Woodworking TikToks

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Penn. — Local leftist, and amateur craftsman, Flint Cropwell admits to harboring a burning hatred for people who espouse conservative ideals, unless they make engaging woodworking videos on TikTok, confirmed sources close to the self-proclaimed socialist.

“When I was a kid I would build stuff with my dad in the garage and he would always have Rush Limbaugh on the radio ranting about ‘femi-nazis,’ ‘welfare queens’ and a whole bunch of other bullshit,” said Cropwell while watching a tutorial on dovetail joints from a user named PatriotPatCarpentry. “Because of all that time with my old man I learned to love hand-made furniture, but grew to hate conservatism. I started building stuff over quarantine after watching some videos, but what sucks is the only good clips I find are made by right-wing lunatics. Liberal woodworking videos tell you too much of a story; I don’t care about your dying cat, just show me some tricks to make kerf bending easier.”

Though his new hobby involves lots of hours loudly working in the alley behind his apartment, Cropwell’s roommate Kevin Gralot isn’t bothered by it.

“Yeah, Flint kinda picked this up outta nowhere one day. He’d be walking around the apartment staring at his phone while the sound of a whirring saw backed by a Saliva song came out. Flint’s kind of an angry guy, but he calms down when he’s doing his work,” said Gralot while sitting in a chair his roommate made last month. “Sometimes he’s destructive, but I can’t even get mad. Like when he broke the table after hearing Roe V. Wade got overturned, I knew he’d just go out back and make another one.”

Noted media literacy expert Chelsea Dantoleum says enjoying an artistic project from a member of an opposing political ideology is fairly common.

“Many people who despise or unconsciously hate someone can still respect their work. This is evident when looking at viewers of reality shows where a technique or art is put on display,” Dantoleum remarked. “The numbers I’ve studied show that more liberal audiences enjoy house-flipping shows like ‘Fixer-Upper’ and ‘Unsellable Houses’, programs where rich white people change things they don’t like about places that used to be owned by others. Conservatives on the other hand enjoy ‘Dancing with The Stars’ since most of them are dead inside and that makes them unable to dance.”