Stranger Things Making Americans Nostalgic for Time When Nation Was On Brink of Global War, Ruled by Senile President, Dominated by Conservative, Pro-Life Discourse

Posted on by Freelancer

LOS ANGELES — The completion of the fourth season of “Stranger Things” left Americans yearning for a simpler time when the nation was led by a senile man, engaged in an proxy war with Russia, and regressing into a dystopian right-wing hellhole, starry-eyed viewers confirmed.

“This show makes me wish I had been a kid in the ‘80s. The style back then is nothing like what’s around today,” said 22-year-old visual artist Alana Mattsfield. “I mean, freaking Kate Bush and Metallica were, like, trending. Everyone was rocking a mullet, ‘Top Gun’ was playing in the cinemas, the president was stumbling in his press conferences, and crazy evangelicals were trying to force their will upon public schools. It all just seemed so quaint.”

52-year old warehouse manager Kevin Holmes echoed the statement, finding solace in the show’s aestheticization of the bygone days of his youth.

“I went to high school around the same time that the ‘Stranger Things’ gang, and watching the show is definitely a major throwback. That time period was seriously just the best, Me and my friends were pretty much exactly like those kids,” said Holmes. “Of course, I didn’t have to deal with all the supernatural stuff. And the show doesn’t get into the long-term psychological effects of Cold War propaganda. Also, the Hawkins kid’s small town wasn’t devastated by Reagan’s disastrous economic policies. And sure, Dustin’s dad never got drunk and beat him with his Atari 2600 controller. But otherwise my life was pretty much just like ‘Stranger Things.’”

Indiana University’s Nostalgia Studies professor Debbie Michaels confirmed that a surge in the show’s viewership is indicative of a nation-wide yearning for the time period.

“Like a fashion trend, nostalgia is a cyclical collective experience,” Michaels explains. “‘Stranger Things’ is a neon-drenched Americana fever dream that perfectly encapsulates what Americans love about the ‘80s without all the icky, uncomfortable stuff we’d rather not remember. So for instance, now we can have our cake, in this case LGBTQ characters, and eat it too, aka not including any mention of the AIDs crisis. It’s a win-win for everyone except for those who don’t want to whitewash history.”

At press time, prop masters were spotted carrying populist election signs into the Netflix studio lot ahead of the principal photography of the series’ fifth season.

I Don’t Think My Therapist Actually Bothered To Listen to That Mixtape I Made Them

Posted on by James Knapp

I went into my therapy session this week grinning ear to ear. I felt more connected to my therapist than ever and I knew we were about to start making some major progress. Yet when I made reference to my “Lover in the Snow,” my therapist asked if I was talking about my ex I broke up with last winter. Ya know, I’m beginning to think my therapist didn’t actually listen to the mixtape I made them.

That asshole! I spent all morning trying to figure out where you can still buy blank tape anymore. In the end, I just recorded everything over top of an old Hootie and the Blowfish cassette I found under my basement sink. Also, these songs are my soul! Fuck that!

At first I thought maybe they only listened to side A, which is mostly Hawthorne Heights songs I got by holding the recorder up to the speaker of my roommate’s 2002 Corolla. But when I made another mixtape reference, they asked if my ex had moved back to Ohio. I guess that tells me all I need to know what “fancy big business therapist” thinks about our relationship.

Hell, those weren’t even the deep cuts that I was afraid they might not get right away but hoped they’d eventually come around to understanding what a sensitive and poetic soul I am.

Side B kicked off with Braid, followed by some of Rivers Cuomo’s solo stuff, then a few songs I wrote back in high school and originally recorded on my sister’s Furby, and finally wrapped up with a Hootie and the Blowfish track because I fucked up the dub somehow and couldn’t record over that part.

Sometimes it feels like no one really understands me. Not even the professional who I pay in Venmo credit and who also doesn’t listen to my goddamn emotions through the power of obsolete electronics. Fuck this. If they can’t be bothered to listen to my mixtape, then I’m not gonna listen to them going on and on about “projecting” and “unhealthy coping mechanisms” and whatever.

Mitch McConnell Spends Week In Hotel While Coffin Is Reupholstered

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly spent the week in a luxurious DC hotel while the coffin he sleeps in was re-lined, creeped-out hotel staff confirmed.

“Yes, it is true that I do sleep in a coffin,” said the Kentucky senator from his darkened hotel suite, while enjoying a tall glass of what was presumably tomato juice. “I’m simply very sensitive to light. I need a pitch-black environment to sleep in, and blackout curtains just don’t do enough to keep UV light from burning my skin. The frankly offensive suggestion that I am some kind of vampire or unholy creature of the night is patently absurd. Honestly, I would laugh if my facial anatomy didn’t prohibit such expressions of joviality.”

Upholsterer Grant Coombs of Woodbine, Virginia often caters to high-end clientele and was hired by McConnell to refresh the casket in question.

“Senator McConnell’s got a really nice coffin,” said Coombs. “A real classic brought over from the old world. Of course, over time, the lining in these things wears out and needs to be replaced. I’ve seen it all: claw marks, blood and adrenochrome stains… those things are hell on fine velvet and taffeta. But the senator is a great customer. He’ll even come by the shop in person when he needs something done. Of course, I make sure there aren’t any kids around when he shows up because he gets this sort of ravenous, wild-eyed look around ‘em. Starts frothing at the mouth a bit.”

Noted cryptozoologist Tad Van Helsing has had suspicions about Senator McConnell’s true nature for some time.

“No, the senator is not a vampire. At least not in the traditional sense. My research leads me to believe that he is some sort of heretofore unknown malevolent ghoul that delights in and feeds off of the suffering of others,” said Van Helsing. “That would certainly explain his policy decisions. Currently, I’m working on a device that should expose the creature’s true form, if I can get close enough to use it. Once McConnell is revealed to be the detestable monster he actually is, perhaps the people of Kentucky will finally stop voting for him… Ah, who am I kidding? They won’t give a fuck.”

The always-busy Coombs was already working on his next project for another high-profile customer: Senator Lindsey Graham tasked him with reupholstering his Herman Miller sofa, which had been heavily soiled by a number of undisclosed substances during a recent bacchanalian soiree.

I’m America Sober: No Drugs or Alcohol but Shoot Someone Every 15 Minutes

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

Let’s face it, we have a problem here in America, and it’s spiraling out of control. We see it on the news every day, a disgusting epidemic that is impacting all of us, running rampant everywhere from our schools, grocery stores, hell even our churches. I know it goes without saying, but I’m obviously talking about alcohol and drug abuse.

I did my part and finally broke free from the chains of addiction in the most American way possible: skipping rehab, thereby saving thousands in insurance premiums, and buying an ArmaLite AR-15 on credit with Bass Pro Shop instead.

Now, in the moments I’d usually be lighting up a blunt alone in my basement while watching Strongbad on the wayback machine I just shoot someone every 15 minutes.

I know what you’re thinking — America sober? Like, not even a little weed now and then? You heard correct. I’m not some weak millennial who is trying to numb her legitimate pain from watching the world catch fire with narcotics anymore. Nor am I in the business of waiting around 45 minutes to see if the lemon poppyseed muffin my buddy Thad sold me at a gas station is going to kick in. I’m clean, strapped, and have minimal time to kill before I, well, kill.

I never even knew shooting hundreds of strangers on a daily, let alone hourly basis was even possible. I had resigned myself to smashing claws with my bruhs safely, in the comfort of my own home for the rest of my life. But America truly is the land of limitless, lawless possibilities, and once I realized you could buy ammo in bulk for dirt cheap the same way you could buy an 18 pack of Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas but without killing myself in the process, I was sold.

Now not only is my head clearer than it’s ever been, but I’ve also dropped those pesky 20 pounds I’ve been carrying around since college. I even made friends with my one neighbor who has Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” as his alarm ringtone.

Please don’t think I’m trying to shame those still struggling with addiction. Cold turkey isn’t for everyone. But I am living proof that you can channel those feelings of withdrawal into something more productive, or at the very least, more socially acceptable here in the states.

Feeling angry? You can take in a show at your local comedy club and knock out 4 shootings in one hour. Got the shakes? Go somewhere crowded. Amusement parks always have lines, and not just the kind I used to do before dropping off DoorDash orders.

I know it’s not for everybody, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that recreationally taking lives has literally saved my life.

Bassist Begins Head Nod Training at Local Gym

Posted on by Freelancer

PHOENIX, AZ – Local bassist Winston Crowe of punk band Sloppyfoot hit the gym to begin a new head nod training regimen which he hopes will take his live performances to the next level, sources who weren’t sure if he had the upper body strength to even get started confirmed.

“The $250 a month gym membership is totally worth it if it means I can finally attain some semblance of a stage presence as a result,” said Crowe while fixing himself a protein shake after a training session. “My personal trainer said it could take weeks if not months to hit my ideal head nod fitness goals. And while I’m already sore from the 15 minutes of work we did today, I can already feel my neck muscles getting ripped. Sure, I’ve been neglecting every other single body part in the gym, but that’s only because I don’t want to come across as one of those punks who cares about their health. I have an image to uphold.”

Frontman Jimmy Jackman appeared supportive of his bandmate’s can-do attitude.

“That guy is as motionless as a redwood tree on stage, so I’m excited that he’s finally doing something about it,” said Jackman while doing bicep curls to strengthen his microphone-lifting muscles. “I mean, when you’re on stage you can’t just stand there with your feet glued to a suspiciously sticky venue floor. You have to move around and at least appear somewhat energetic. But let’s be honest, we don’t want him to get too aggressive with his moves on stage. After all, I’m the star of the show so the crowd obviously has to focus on me. Nondescript head nods should be his goal and nothing more.”

Music historian Dara Greener has long studied the stage behavior of bassists.

“There’s a number of go-to moves that bassists prefer to use, but the head nod is an absolute classic,” said Greener. “Just think of all your favorite bass players throughout music history. Can’t think of any, right? That’s actually pretty normal. In that case, just think of Flea’s high energy on stage and picture the opposite of that for all other bassists. He’s kind of the exception. That’s because he played trumpet first. Trumpet players are known to go ape-shit on stage.”

At press time, Crowe ditched the training regimen altogether in favor of doing “head nod yoga” at home but continued to pay the outlandish monthly gym membership fee after failing to figure out how to cancel it.

This Band Was Better When I Was Still in It

Posted on by James Knapp

This band used to really rock. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even think they’re all that bad now. It’s just that their old stuff was way better when I, Smitty the bagpipes player, was still in the mix.

It’s not that I’m bitter or regretful that I’m not in the band anymore. I just honestly believe that this band was way better when they had their original lineup. Sure, music taste is subjective and this is just one absolute Adonis of a man’s opinion. But can’t we all agree on the indisputable fact that bagpipes are the heart and soul of freeform nu metal?

Again, it’s not that they’re bad now, per se. We just split due to creative differences as well as them changing all the locks on our practice space. I don’t want to knock them too hard though. I’m still open to the possibility of side projects.

The drummer and I had great chemistry in the way he would always make contact with the same spot on my skull when he threw his sticks at me and told me to fuck off during practice. Or our didgeridoo player. He got kicked out of the band the same day I did so he’s probably free to collab with.

Basically, these guys really aren’t half bad. But I just feel like they could be so much more. If only I could get in there for one or two more toots of the bag. Then they’d see. I really know how to lay down some pipe.

The Hard Times Submission Process

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Want to write for The Hard Times?

We accept freelance pitches all the time. What we like to see is a knowledge of the punk scene, subculture, and topics that our audience can relate to. Send your packet to ideas@thehardtimes.net and keep reading for more info.

Send us 5 satire headlines and if we like what we see we will add you to our pitch group and you can start writing for us. Don’t be afraid to send multiple submissions if you don’t hear back the first time.

We get a lot of pitches so sometimes it can be tough to stand out from the pack. But we look forward to seeing what you come up with.

Maybe satirical headlines aren’t your thing but you have a deep knowledge of music and love a good list. Well, we’ve also begun posting more joke lists like…

100 Band Logos Ranked by How Much Better We Think They Are Than the Mona Lisa

Every Boss Pedal and Which Band Its Owners Desperately Wish They Were In

50 Famous Lead Singers Ranked by How Good of a Roommate I Think They’d Be

And we want to get more of those ideas, but shorter (these ones are super long). Pitch us some of those too!

Diehard Weezer Fan Eaten by Shark During Morning Commute

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

BELMAR, N.J. — The partial remains of self-proclaimed Weezer fanatic, Lance Figaro, were found washed up on the beach after it was suspected he was attacked and eaten by a bull shark while commuting to work via surfboard, traumatized beach rats confirmed.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” stated first-responder Harmony McRae. “These Weezer fans, Weezels, if you will, are always trying to ditch their car and surf to work. With rising fuel prices they think they can financially remain afloat but they don’t take into account that this sea is unforgiving and rolls like a thousand-pound keg. If you ask me, Rivers Cuomo has blood on his hands, and with how many jellyfish stings I have treated, pee on his leg too. Rivers has repeatedly tried to deny any wrongdoing, but if you ask me, these people should stay in their garages where it’s safe. Where they belong.”

Figaro’s co-worker at the beachside Twistee-Freeze, Skeeter Olsen, expressed explicit grief for the late co-worker.

“If I’m being real dude, I like totally wish he hadn’t been eaten by that shark,” a teary-eyed Olsen stated. “Don’t get me wrong, it definitely sucked to work with him since he was rarely on time and was either soaking wet or really stinky, but I’ve been working doubles for like a fuckin’ week dude. I miss seeing that dude show up with his surfboard in hand. Stinky or not, it always meant it was time for me to go home.”

“That could have been me, man. I guess it’s lucky I drive a car to work instead,” Olsen added.

Marine biologists across the east coast have warned the shark populations are experiencing undue stress under the current deluge of Weezer fans commuting themselves via tasty waves.

“There is no other way to put this; surfing to work is damaging these harmless and misunderstood creatures,” said Shelby Armstrong, the lead researcher at Adventure Aquarium. “A bull shark’s diet is carefully tailored to the fish it can run up onshore. Weezer fans have proven to be both tastier and easier to catch than the local fauna. It’s caused a major disruption in the shark’s migration patterns. Not to mention the plastic waste from the Buddy Holly glasses these people wear, it adds up to an ecological disaster.”

At press time, roommates of Figaro, are unsure how they will explain their friend’s death to his 18-year-old girlfriend who lives in a small city in Japan.

Oh, You Like the “Stranger Things” Soundtrack? Name 3 Modular Synth Configurations of Voltage Controlled Oscillators Routed Through a Moog 904A Low Pass Ladder Filter

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Oh, you like the “Stranger Things” soundtrack, huh? Yeah, it’s pretty nice. Modular synths, analog warmth — you’ve got to love those lush retro vibes.

But seriously, name 3 ways to make these sounds, or you’re not a real fan. Yeah, you heard me correctly. I’m saying that if you can’t explain the sonic architecture of these sounds then you literally didn’t hear them. All you heard was white noise. Although scratch that, white noise is actually a pretty nuanced concept that you wouldn’t understand.

Look, I’ll make it easy for you and give you your modules. Three oscillators: sine, sawtooth, triangle. Two ADSR envelope generators. And a filter, you can have the Moog 904A, I’m feeling generous. So all you have to do is connect the dots. You know, like a fucking child.

Did you hear how I pronounced “Moog” just now? You’re probably thinking “why is he saying Mogue”? How best to explain…I guess the main thing you need to understand is that you’re a know-nothing philistine dipshit. Hope that helps.

You don’t seem to be giving me any modular patches, so I guess you don’t like “Stranger Things” after all? Do you actually know anything at all about modular synthesis? Do you even know what “sending out clock” means? Do you know how to mod a spring reverb unit with a particularly tight coil of orange peel that came off in one piece? I do, and that’s why Modular Monthly called my latest EP “stultifying.”

And I suppose you’ve suddenly discovered that you love Kate Bush’s “Running Up That Hill”, right? Wrong. No you don’t. If you didn’t lose your house and marriage in 1985 after buying a $40,000 Fairlight CMI in a failed attempt to recreate that synth riff, then you can take that song right out of your fucking ears as well.

Look, I’m not saying that you’re forbidden to watch the show just because you can’t spot a self-resonating filter, or can’t understand how dual flip-flop chips work. But it can only really be a senseless jumble of stimuli to you — like a moth blundering repeatedly into a lightbulb, or a dog rubbing its genitals on a teddy bear.

Have I watched it all? Oh, absolutely not – only the first five minutes. They should’ve filmed it on a Super 8 film camera. Watching digital is like having three cats shit directly into my eyes.

Son, You’re 12 Now, It’s Time You Learned That Baseball Isn’t Real

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Timmy, I need to start treating you like the young man that you are. Hell, you’re practically a teenager. It’s time to grow up, give up on the fantasies of childhood, and embrace the cold realities of adulthood. And the truth is that you’re just way too goddamn old to still think baseball is real.

Sure, once upon a time baseball was real, back in the early days. But then the promoters realized they could make more money off it if they rigged the outcomes. Ever since we all kind of collectively agreed to suspend disbelief and cheer for the local team.

It’s just a made-up fantasy for kids, no different than “Be good for Santa!” or “Always wear your seatbelt!”

The games are predetermined, the umpires are in on the fix, and the players? They’re all actors pretending to compete for real. Oh, and they’re pretty much all addicted to steroids, booze, and cocaine. Almost all of the dudes who were doin’ it back in the 80s are already dead. It’s a pretty fucked up business, little buddy.

Look I’m not saying those guys aren’t talented, far from it! Baseball players are amazingly talented performers! Imagine what they go through keeping their bodies in that perfect dough-meets-muscle condition. Do you realize how much choreography goes into every play? Not to mention the crazy storylines they have to maintain! It’s sports entertainment son, it’s just its own thing.

I know this must be a shock. You’re the star of the Little League team! But, honestly, that’s because you’re the only one whose dad hasn’t told them yet. Didn’t you wonder why sometimes the pitcher throws the ball right down the middle for you? I was kind of hoping you’d figure it out for yourself, for Christ’s sake.

Hey, don’t worry, you can still play shortstop. Hell, you can still be a major leaguer! I mean, those guys live a grueling lifestyle and most of them never make it out of the minors. But, you never know, one out of every hundred or so winds up becoming a star, rich beyond their wildest dreams. Wouldn’t that be something!

Especially because, since we’re on the topic of things that aren’t real, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that college fund mom and I told you about.