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How to Ruin Both Your Soda Stream and Your Sobriety in 5 Easy Steps

First of all, hello, I’m Colleen, and I’m 24 months sober. Pretty cool, right? If you’re reading this and anything like me, you’ve probably fallen off the wagon a couple of times, but I’d like to personally commend you for sticking with it. Being a recovering alcoholic is hard work, so I like to make little games of everyday tasks when I can.

I recently bought a Soda Stream so I can make my own seltzer and pop at home! Here are some of my favorite things to do with my new appliance in the name of staying healthy, followed by the thing I actually did to keep my cycle of substance abuse spinning.

1. Stare Longingly at the Bottle of Wine You Got Recently In a Moment of Weakness

Ah, wow, yeah, that’s funny! This is gonna be a struggle right from the get-go, isn’t it? I really was hoping to use this thing for like, artisanal spritzers and shit, but…I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? A Soda Stream can definitely handle alcohol, right?

During this step it’s important to tell yourself that you won’t actually drink it, you’ll just let your roommates enjoy it. You’re just being a cool roommate, not falling off the wagon! Yeah!

2. Give In and Grab That Fucker

Fuck, okay, we’re gonna give this a shot I guess. Uncork that baby and take a deep whiff, and God, that smells good. Resist the urge to just drink some out of the bottle — we’re doing this for science, not so you can get fucking hammered at 11 am like you used to.

I just wanna see if this works, that’s all.

3. Pour The Whole Fucking Thing In

We’re committed now, so let’s do this thing! Dump the contents of your delicious Malbec right into the little plastic bottle of your Soda Stream, screw it in, and start carbonating, baby!

I should probably have one sip, just to make sure I’m not giving my roommates bad soda wine. I can spit it out though, no big deal.

4. Realize This Isn’t Going to Work

Shit — oh god, there’s fizzy red wine everywhere, and your Soda Stream is making weird fucking noises. God dammit, this is going to be a huge pain to clean up. This is a fucking mess. FUCK.

This is the kind of shit that makes you really want a drink.

5. Consider Calling Your Sponsor and Drink the Results Instead

Ok don’t panic, don’t panic, you’re having a moment of crisis. This is what your sponsor is for. All you have to do is not grab the half-carbonated remnants and chug them, and hop on the phone instead.

Just fucking kidding. Bottoms up!