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Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, And Superchunk to Headline Black Plastic Glasses Convention

CHICAGO — Bespectacled acts Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, and Superchunk are billed to hit the star-burst stage at this year’s Black Thick-Rimmed Glasses Convention, vision-impaired music enthusiasts report.

“Listen, we traffic in irony, and traffic is bustling,” show promoter Vance Vargle stated. “Half-remembered bygone eras, shabby chic sweaters… and that style outlier since the 90s is the false nerdy glasses. The only issue is our consumers are no longer solely found in urban areas. How do we get them to congregate again? Well, we play them the siren calls of a vaguely nerdy guy writing songs to a woman he will never actually talk to, and those nerds will be wrecking their wimpy bodies on the rocks of our nostalgia in no time.”

Excitement was high in the convention hall as vendors and showgoers arrived.

“This is big, really big,” stated black-rimmed glasses adorned Ferguson “Fergwad” Stoker. “I had no idea there was an entire music genre specifically for folks like me with astigmatism, but there it is! It’s like going to a baseball game and meeting the team mascots, but these mascots are just normal-sized humans with slightly oversized glasses. Now if I could just get these Dinosaur Jr. fans to stop giving me wedgies I will be having the best time I’ve ever had at a concert, outside from the time I saw Weird Al with my mom.”

The convention lineup attracted more than just the vision impaired as audiophiles arrived in droves.

“I was really hoping for the Get Up Kids, but I have to admit that Weezer was a great get,” commented avid music enthusiast, Jenny Staleman. “Without them, who knows if we would have The Anniversary, Reggie and the Full Effect, or even Ozma. And truly where would music be without Casiotone for the Painfully Alone? I’m fully prepared to name a minimum of 50 more bands if anyone asks, but as a fully vision-able person, I’m more worried about presenting as a true black-rimmed glasses enthusiast. Luckily a vendor was selling commemorative plastic glasses outside so I can blend without being socially accosted for the authenticity of my presence.”

At press time, organizers were reaching out to flannel shirt designers to sponsor next year’s convention.