We Ranked Some of Our Favorite Pitchfork Rankings To See How They Like It

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Pitchfork keeps churning out list after list of rankings, so we figured it’s time to give them a taste of their own medicine. These are the rankings that define the second most trusted voice in music behind The Needle Drop.

5. The 20 Best Punk Movies
This list is helpful if you’re trying to impress a film major without sacrificing your punk image, but it only made number 5 on our ranking due to one glaring omission. How does somebody make a list of the best punk movies without including the classic that is “The Return of the Living Dead?” That movie pioneered cinematic representations of both punks and zombies, yet Pitchfork cruelly snubs it like it’s nothing. It may not be an A24 masterpiece but it’s still a solid horror flick.

4. The 200 Best Songs of the 2010s
Due to the recency of this list, it’s an informative read for those of us who are too busy being nostalgic to pay attention to contemporary music. We learned a lot about mainstream pop culture from some of these placements. Who knew Azealia Banks made music before she started sacrificing chickens in her closet?

3. The 50 Best Britpop Albums
This list begins with a quote from Jarvis Cocker in which he says, “Britpop? It’s just a shitty-sounding word.” His words immediately resonated with us because we don’t care for that shit either. However, Pitchfork disagrees. Their staff must be getting paid off by the monarchy or something because there’s no way there are 50 Britpop albums out there, let alone 50 good ones.

2. The 25 Best Indie Pop Albums of the 90s
Indie pop is a subgenre where knowing the right underground acts can make or break how others perceive you. This ranking is instrumental in establishing dominance over other people at the record store and making them feel like shit for being unable to name half of the ethereal albums that we pretend to like. Perhaps someday we’ll finally listen to a few of the records mentioned on this list.

1. The 50 Best Indie Rock Albums of the Pacific Northwest
In true Pitchfork fashion, this ranking uses pretentious terminology to tackle an oddly specific regional genre. Seriously, the Pacific Northwest? Just say Portland! Nevertheless, this has everything mockable about Pitchfork: a niche topic, flowery writing, and enough sad indie schlock to make Zach Braff blush.

Lux Interior Releases Posthumous Cookbook With Over 100 Delicious Microphone Recipes

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LOS ANGELES — The estate of Cramps frontman Lux Interior announced the release of a posthumous cookbook “Goo Goo Mic: Recipes That Won’t Make You Puke” which includes over one hundred ways to cook and prepare a common microphone, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I guess Lux just acquired a taste for them after swallowing one a night for 35 years, and unbeknownst to even me, he had been filing away these sumptuous recipes the entire time,” said Cramps guitarist and Interior’s widow Poison Ivy Rorschach. “In honor of Lux’s memory, I couldn’t be happier to share this book with the world. Perfect for any chef looking for a new-but-timeless kind of kick. Some dishes require top-shelf items, but it shouldn’t be a problem since most of Lux’s recipes call for the preparer to be wearing platform heels, anyway.”

Representatives from Shure microphones were reluctant to cosign the prospective New York Times Bestseller, but were soon singing a different tune.

“I’ll admit, I was ready to release a statement about not condoning the ingestion of our products as soon as I heard about the book. But then I took a meeting with Ivy and the publishing team where they wheeled in silver platter after silver platter of delectable microphone delicacies,” said Shure CEO Christine Schyvinck. “And by the time they took the cover off the ‘Lux’s Lemon Mascarpone-Microphone Layer Cake,’ I was all in. We here at Shure back this cookbook wholeheartedly and full-stomachedly!”

Michelin star chef Alain Ducasse has given his endorsement, and even served some of Interior’s dishes at his establishments.

“Though Mr. Interior’s songwriting and stage-presence may have glorified the, shall we say, primitive and baser impulses of the human brain, these recipes are anything but,” gushed Chef Ducasse. “That man could certainly wield a mic—and grill, steam, poach, and fricassee one, too. And anyone worrying about the electricity should only look at the modern food pyramid, which now suggests about 120 volts per meal. Once you taste how good Lux’s dishes are, you’ll be shocked in more ways than one.”

In addition to the volume’s release, Rorschach announced an accompanying promotional book tour which will consist entirely of mental hospitals.

Man Just Playing Hard to Get Rid Of

Posted on by Sara Mellas

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Local 27-year-old woman Emily Sinclair continued to be contacted by a former Hinge match in whom she was no longer interested, her loosely invested roommates confirmed.

“I met Chris on an app last month and we met up for coffee. He seemed nice and interesting enough so I agreed to go on a second date, but after that I decided we probably weren’t a good match,” said Sinclair. “That was three weeks ago… and Chris is still texting me. I would feel bad ghosting, but at this point I don’t know how else to get rid of him. You’d think with how long I take to text back unenthusiastic one-word responses, he’d have gotten the hint by now, but he just keeps sending things like, ‘Hope you had a great day!’ and ‘I have two VIP tickets to see the Arctic Monkeys next weekend, would you like to go?’”

Chris Farinelli, seemingly undeterred by Emily’s short, delayed text replies, didn’t seem to take the hint.

“Emily seems great and I’m hoping to get to know her better by liking and commenting on all of her Instagram posts,” said Farinelli. “Her schedule is really busy right now, but I’ve been texting her every couple of hours so she knows I’m still interested. Because if you like someone you should let them know as much as humanly possible. Hopefully I can take her to dinner soon on a night when she doesn’t have to stay at the office until 11:00 p.m. and her dog isn’t sick.”

Relationships expert April Bauer affirmed that while clear communication is important, it’s not always straightforward.

“The widespread use of dating apps has made modern relationship dynamics considerably more complicated,” said Bauer. “I always advocate for communicating honestly instead of ghosting the person you’ve lost interest in. But also like, have you ever had someone text you, ‘sorry I’m just not attracted to you and don’t see this going anywhere’? That just sounds harsh. Maybe ghosting isn’t so bad.”

At press time, Sinclair reportedly had not heard from Farinelli in two weeks and suddenly found him extremely attractive.

Fiscally Responsible Punk Starts Dating Their Drug Dealer

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PORTLAND, Maine — Frugal punk, and self-described “hopeless romantic,” Tyler Castaneda recently devised a scheme to save money by dating the woman who sells him pills, thrifty sources confirmed.

“My grandpa had always taught me that your Addy, Xany, and booger sugar budget should never exceed 30% of your monthly income, but I was regularly blowing that number out of the water. And with the economy the way it’s been lately, and having already stolen all the catalytic converters in the neighborhood, I had to start tightening my bullet belt and look to cut some corners,” said Castaneda. “That’s when I had the brilliant idea to start fucking my drug dealer. She’s pretty good-looking, and the fact I know she carries two cans of bear spray and a small gun make the fling more exciting. Now I’m getting high for free and all it requires is some light prostitution and a bit of my already dwindling dignity.”

Slightly less fiscally irresponsible roommate Nella Barker disapproved of Castaneda’s decision.

“I came home to find Tyler donning one of those green visors and using an adding calculator like you’d see in a ‘Looney Tunes’ cartoon. I’m not sure how exactly he ‘crunched the numbers’ and came to this conclusion that regularly porking the creep that steals Adderall from her 11-year-old brother saves you money,” said Barker. “Because now we’ve got this person who is constantly in our house, dealing on our front porch, eating what little food we’ve got, and passing out on our couch.”

Financial advisor Ted Hutton offered his insight into Castaneda’s creative budgeting.

“I am the world’s first and only punk financial advisor. And with good reason, as you can imagine my advice is thoroughly reckless and incredibly dangerous. But for those looking to save some money with little regard to their own health or self-respect, I’ve got plenty of ideas,” said Hutton. “For instance, if you know you’re going to drink until you puke, do not eat beforehand. Why waste money on food that you’re just going to upchuck behind the venue? Also, taxes. Just don’t do them. Ever. That’ll save you $1.15 on envelopes and stamps right there.”

At press time, Castaneda is attempting to stretch his budget further by beginning a polyamorous relationship with a local diner waitress, his optometrist, and a wealthy, sickly octogenarian.

We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us

Posted on by James Knapp

The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere – and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well-educated.

However, as the court documents that we’re allowed to tell you about clearly state, “beat[ing] on the ‘brat’ (Timmy Goodson: accuser) with a baseball bat was not intended to be taken literally, and Hard Times [The] are liable…” and yadda yadda you get the gist, right? Our attorney has advised us not to continue.

Look, we didn’t plan on teaching all the kids what to do with a brat like that who’s always on your back when we went to the daycare center that day – we were only there to pick up our sister’s dumb little wiener kid while she was, ironically, tied up in court. But then we saw that Timmy kid being a dick to some other preschoolers over by the sports equipment shed and we just kinda thought “what can we lose?”

The answer to that question is potentially more than all of our assets and a mandatory 5 years in prison if this case doesn’t go our way. Unfortunately, our attorney is not optimistic as it turns out that the daycare center has security footage of us actually wielding the baseball bat – it was aluminum though, which we feel should count for a reduced sentence.

Do we admit we may have taken it a bit too far? Well, our legal counsel has advised us to say “no,” so that’s what we’re going with.

The important thing to remember here is that, regardless of what happens to us, there’s still a playground full of kids out there who definitely know now how to beat on a brat with such intensity and bloodlust that the judge in our case has called “so horrifying it could be modern art.”

So listen to the Ramones to learn life lessons and cudgel-based combat – just make sure that there aren’t too many witnesses.

And if someone could post our bail we’d appreciate it. We used our one phone call to prank Danzig again.

System of a Down, Deftones Announce “Nu Metal But, Like, Good” Tour

Posted on by John Danek

GLENDALE, Calif. — Two of nu metal’s most respected acts, System of a Down and Deftones, announced a co-headlining tour under the moniker “Nu Metal But, Like, Good,” confirmed representatives from the bands.

“This tour is dedicated to all our fans who shared our music with friends while apologetically saying ‘I know it’s nu metal, but trust me, it’s actually good,’” said Serj Tankian, frontman of System of a Down and current owner of Frank Zappa’s mustache. “Deftones are the only other band in a similar boat as us. Critics have to preface our reviews with ‘Listen I knowwww, but hear me out.’ We fully understand. We also heard Limp Bizkit’s ‘Hot Dog.’”

Deftones’ Stephen Carpenter recounted the difficulty in trying to find other acts to fill the tour’s bill.

“There isn’t a third band in all of nu metal who doesn’t suck at least a little,” stated Carpenter, longtime guitarist of the Sacramento group. “We briefly considered Korn but only under the condition that they stick to tunes before the year 2000. Let’s just say those talks didn’t go well. Limp Bizkit was never asked. We considered some deeper nu metal acts like Adema, Trust Company, and Taproot but holy shit, have you listened to them recently? I’m considering starting harpsichord lessons just to further distance myself from that shit.”

Longtime fans of nu metal are finally feeling vindicated after suffering decades of abuse from peers, friends, and music critics.

“They all laughed back in the day when I paid $300 for front row seats to see Deftones and Incubus, but nostalgia is taking hold—look who is laughing now!” exclaimed a self-righteous Danny Paulner, who has one tattoo for each System of a Down album. “Everyone is tired of 2022’s trends of obnoxious hyperpop and rehashed pop-punk. Now they’re crawling on their bellies back to the juicy riffs, slappin’ bass, and DJ scratches of nu metal. Sure, we still have to deal with the System of a Down guitarist screeching his bloody head off, but it’s a small price to pay for a concert of singalong choruses and 7-string guitar chugs.”

Hot on the heels of the announcement, barbers nationwide announced massive discounts on frosted tips.

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Cocaine Agrees: Your Opinion Is the Best One

Posted on by Dom Turek

Not to be dramatic, but I would rather listen to a parrot read the Old Farmer’s Almanac from start to finish than hear this woman’s story about how she met her partner. Does she really think just because it’s her wedding day all the attention should be on her? My new friend Hunter and I have been patiently waiting for what feels like years to ask people about their most traumatic childhood memories.

Hunter was at rock bottom before I set up camp in his nose. He was a real people-pleaser who went to bed before 7 AM, volunteered at the local animal shelter, and listened when people spoke. Not on my watch. As long as I am his plus one, he won’t be pleasing anyone but himself.

If anyone needs us, we’ll be in the bathroom railing lines off the back of a toilet tank and drafting a business plan for solar-powered microwaves that’s going to blow your fucking mind. Take one last look at your kitchen, because with his brains and my ingenuity, we’re about to revolutionize the home appliance industry.

Most people know that high achievers sleep less on average, but did you know they also blink less? In some cases, not at all. They also shower less, eat less and shit uncontrollably. Doctors will say its drug-induced gastritis but I say its the body ridding itself of excess bullshit. The only difference between you and a doctor is a first-aid kit and a few YouTube videos on Eastern medicine. Remember that.

Great minds have always encountered resistance. It’s not Hunter’s fault that he knows more about literally everything than you do. You saw the movie? He read the book. You read the book? He wrote the book. His breath stinks? Your attitude stinks. His nose is bleeding? Thanks for letting him know. Does anyone have a napkin?

Review: Meshuggah “Koloss”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. We also review it if we aren’t too drunk. This week we relistened to Meshuggah’s “Koloss” and discovered some interesting lyrical content we really weren’t expecting.

The brutal, extreme metal which Meshuggah has developed over the years naturally lends itself to a low, garbled vocal style. But that doesn’t mean they don’t put a shitload of effort into crafting their lyrics, focusing on themes ranging from life and death, existential skepticism, and the violence inherent of the universe.

Then there are these lyrics we discovered in Koloss’ lead-off track, “I Am Colossus:”

“I do prefer to sit in the front seat
whenever I ride in a Toyota Camry.
There’s just more legroom. It just makes sense.
Plus the cup holder is far more accessible.”

Well, that was pretty goddamn weird. It was pretty perplexing to us that a band known for heavy, brutal, and visceral lyrics would think to include a verse about seating preference in a mid-size sedan. Is it a metaphor? We aren’t sure, because before we could figure it out we were bombarded with these lyrics from “Break Those Bones Who Sinews Gave It Motion:”

“My friend Ben has a Camry.
Its front seat is cluttered
with empty McDonald’s cups.
It is hard to stretch my legs.
I want to sit there!
Clean your car, Ben!
Do it or I will
fill the cup holder with your guts!”

So is this a concept album? We couldn’t understand why Meshuggah would include two references to their friend Ben’s Camry on the same record across two songs. The good news was that we didn’t have to – because here’s the third one we found in the song “Demiurge:”

“I am sorry for my previous outburst, Ben.
I do not actually desire to fill the cup holder with your guts.
Here, let me assist you to clean up the McDonald’s cups.
Then we can drive to the rollercoaster park together.
I hope they have cotton candy.”

Okay. That’s kind of sweet. We still have no fucking idea why those are the lyrics but at least it’s nice they made up with Ben, whoever that is. So we guess, “Koloss,” kinda heartwarming. Good job, Meshuggah!

Score: 4 out of 5 Japanese sedans

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Shoegaze Guitarist Instinctively Steps on Mouse Trap

Posted on by Matt Bieker

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local guitarist Dylan Scharm recoiled in pain earlier today after spotting a set mousetrap on his father’s garage floor and instinctively stepping on the release catch, amused medical staff confirmed.

“I don’t even know why I did it,” said Scharm, gingerly removing the thin sneaker that failed to stop him from injuring his foot. “I play live with like, 20 pedals during a set at minimum, and I’m jumping all over those things. They don’t call me the ‘River Dancer’ for nothing. But like, I saw the mousetrap down there, and then suddenly I was on stage looking down at my board about to smash the Flanger. I should have know it wasn’t a pedal because of the huge chunk of cheese just sitting there. Goddammit, I think my pinky toe is broken.”

Scharm’s loved ones have said that the 29-year-old’s performance habits have affected his daily life.

“It’s constant with him,” said Scharm’s girlfriend Natalie Ramirez. “”He’s spent thousands of dollars and several years on custom pedals with stupid names like ‘Caustic Fuzzbucket’ and ‘The Grub,’ so I get why stepping on shit is ingrained at this point. He honestly just can’t help himself. Last week it was my phone. I put it on the ground for one second while I tied my shoe and he just stomped it like it was his fucking Boss OD-3. I’m scared to let him drive at this point.”

Scharm’s bandmates also weighed in on his strange and often destructive behavior.

“I’ve learned to live with it,” said Mark Tinsley, drummer for MOON/DOOR. “After our show at Mully’s Hideout a few months back, I went outside to smoke and I put my brand new pack of American Spirits on the steps next to me when I heard the door open—I barely moved them out of the way in time but he still got my thumb a little bit. The worst part is, all the stomping would be worth it if it actually made him sound any better.”

At press time, Scharm was seen removing all dangerous obstacles and potential pitfalls from his home, including his actual pedals.

We Look Back at 10 Years of “American Idiot” Because We’re in Denial About the Passage of Time

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Wow. Where does the time go? One minute you’re thirteen years old jamming out to your new favorite album, Green Day’s “American Idiot” of course, and the next minute an entire decade has gone by. Just a decade, though. Not any longer than that because I refuse to acknowledge how old I’ve become.

How can we forget those nights of staying up late and watching the “Holiday” video or looking up half-correct tabs for “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” on Ultimate-Guitar.com? It feels like it was just yesterday when we were all “rocking against Bush.” But, according to our best estimate, it’s been 10 whole years. But just ten years. It’s crazy how time flies when you’re in denial and terrified of death.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but no one is immune from the inevitability of aging. Hell, even the guys in Green Day must be in their late thirties by now! Can you even imagine a middle-aged Billie Joe Armstrong? It’s all but inconceivable!

Admittedly, we brought this on ourselves. We were in such a rush to grow up, it didn’t occur to us to cherish the privileges of youth. If we could turn back the clock we’d tell our younger selves just how fast ten years, and only ten years, can go by.

But denial is a dead-end road. “American Idiot” turning 10 shouldn’t scare us. If anything, it should warm our hearts, thinking back to that time when we saw ourselves as the “Jesus of Suburbia.”

We must also acknowledge how well this album has held up. So many albums show their age in one or two years, it’s remarkable that Green Day made something ten years ago that still feels relevant now. And given the current political climate, it might be relevant for another ten years.