College. These are the good ol’ days if you were a loser in high school and then continued being a loser after college. There’s so much that changes during college and it’s hard to believe you ever had an iPod full of pop punk and nu-metal. Your music taste should expand, hopefully for the better, so here are our picks for the 15 bands everyone discovers for the first time while at college.
My Chemical Romance proved to the world just how far an oversexed MySpace profile could take you in this world. Sex it up right and you’ll play shows sold out stadiums, look cool in a marching band uniform and have access to all of the eyeliner you could ever possibly eat. MCR did what we all should have been focusing on while instead, we curated our Top 8. Here’s our definitive ranking of every My Chemical Romance album.
Let’s just get this one out of the way awhile. “I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love” is a fine album. For a first record it is quite strong and all the other things you’re supposed to say about a good band that’s still developing. My only real complaint… it smells. Like the actual CD that I had as a kid, it was stinky. I don’t know what the hell that was about and MCR, if you’re reading this (yeah, you’re reading this), I’m glad you were able to avoid that literal disc stench for future releases. Christ, that CD really did smell like Jersey.
Play on repeat: “Skylines and Turnstiles”
Skip it: “Our Lady of Sorrows”
What is it with really successful punk bands that feel they need to change up their image or style and so they do and it works really well and then for the next thing they do after that they pretty much do the same fucking shtick over again. I get that growth is hard but c’mon! Wasn’t this exactly what you were just trying to avoid? Probably the dumbest part is that we all buy into it all the same. Like we have some sort of cultural amnesia that just takes us over and we stand, dumbfounded with mouth agape just ready to be fed whatever the next compliance-induced morsel the producers decided to drop down on us. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, “Killjoys” is pretty good.
Play on repeat: “Bulletproof Heart”
Skip it: “DESTROYA”
“Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge” sounds the way riding the bus in middle school feels, but in a good way. This album is the equivalent of finally being cool enough to sit all the way in the back row where the bus driver can’t see you and getting to do some over-the-clothes hand stuff with the grade-up girl who is way too hot for you. Hooray for public school negligence!
Play on repeat: “Thank You For the Venom”
Skip it: “Interlude”
Once in a generation an album comes around that completely redefines our cultural appreciation of music. For the life of me I have no idea what that record would be for 2000s emo kids, but “The Black Parade” kicks a whole lot of ass so screw it, let’s say this is it.
I don’t know what to compare it to, so let me take another big swing and say, uh, “Freewheelin’.” There you go. “The Black Parade” is “Freewheelin’” for a smattering of baggy Hot Topic pants clad millennials.
You know what, I don’t actually hate that analogy.
Play on repeat: “Welcome To the Black Parade”
Skip it: Do I really have to pick something to skip? I do? Fuck. Fine, I guess “Disenchanted” doesn’t kick that much ass. Nah, it actually does. Whatever, I’m done now.
NEW YORK – Local Greek Orthodox punk Roland Lee admits he regularly misses out on limited edition Record Store Day releases due to the fact he and his fellow practitioners celebrate the occasion 13 days later than most.
“Our scene runs on the Julian calendar,” said Lee, a self-described “Archpunk” who has led the Greek Orthodox scene “since before you were even fucking born, pal.” “Which is a thing my Greek friend Julian made up to explain why he wasn’t actually behind on rent one month. The whole house kinda ran with it, it grew and grew, and now a bunch of us celebrate Record Store Day two weeks after the rest of the world. It just sucks that last year we missed out on the Wipers reissue, so the only thing I was able to get was a copy of Kirk Hammet’s solo project, which I never even bothered opening.”
Sean “Booger” Howell, the owner of a local independent record store Booger’s Picks, lamented the Greek Orthodox punks and their effect on the store during the spring holiday season.
“Record Store Day used to be this big unifying thing,” said Howell. “Everyone in the scene came by, shot the shit, maybe bought an exclusive reissue or something. Now I gotta hold some of my best stuff for these weirdos or they get pissed, which in turn pisses off everyone else. And it’s not just Record Store Day that causes problems – it’s all the big holidays. I’ve had Orthodox employees showing up absolutely baked on May 3rd claiming that’s ‘their 4/20.’”
Other scenes in the tri-state area have taken notice of the Greek Orthodox punks and are said to be developing their own calendars, number systems and even variations in recording noise albums in suburban basements.
“We’re super inspired by what they’ve done over there,” said a member of a nearby scene, granted anonymity due to ongoing inter-scene drama. “The Greek Orthodox Punks are groundbreaking… the culture hacking, messing with the temporal bedrock of capitalism itself. We’re thinking of going even harder in that direction. Maybe we’ll celebrate Record Store Day zero times. I mean, who can afford that shit anyway?”
As of press time, Lee began stockpiling nicotine gum to prepare for his biannual 40-day cigarette fast.
I know Kiss gets a pretty bad rep. Yeah, they have legions of “fans” who probably only like them for being a real-life Saturday morning cartoon show or because they’re suckers for drama, or whatever. But one thing is certain: people don’t claim to like Kiss because they have some amazing discography or anything like that.
But I say, it’s not too late. It’s not too late for a band that has been around for 50 years to start writing music they can be proud of! I mean, 5 decades of practice is more than enough time to hone their chops to finally write some bangers. Look at it like this: the last 50 years can sorta be like that of a prize fighter’s amateur fights. Now it’s time to start getting into the professional big leagues.
All of the elements are there. Their branding is on point. They have cool make-up and crazy outfits. They have millions of fans and experience playing in arenas. All that’s missing is a halfway-decent song.
Let’s face it: what Kiss has become is just sad. Between the drama with Ace and Paul, Gene Simmons being Gene Simmons, and not releasing music since 2012, they’ve gotten stale. I think Kiss should capitalize on the fact they aren’t raking in all that cash anymore to focus on writing good stuff. No more crazy distractions.
I would think that if Kiss were to do their 8th “farewell” tour, they would at least want to have a couple of full-fledged bangers to leave a lasting impression on folks. I just don’t think “Heaven’s on Fire” is going to really “wow” the younger generations into the Kiss Army life.
They say age is just a number, and when it comes to 70s rock bands, there’s no time like the present for Kiss to shock the world and prove that beyond all the ridiculous signature theatrics, nonsensical band drama, and prerecorded live backing tracks, they can actually write some music to be proud of.
So, you’re expecting—that’s amazing! I just know you’re going to be such a great parent and you’ll love and nurture that perfect little angel. So why the fuck are you going to give him a played-out name like Aiden?
We can trace the current popularity of Aiden back to “Sex and The City,” though the name has ancient Irish roots. That’s cool and all—but enough’s enough. Playgrounds are chock-a-block with Aidens these days. Here are 9 other names to consider for your beautiful little boy.
It’s really cute to give babies old-person names. Besides, you can almost guarantee your child will have a lucrative career as a CPA with a name like Norman.
If you’re going to name your kid based on a character from a popular TV show, you could do worse than the mass murderer with a heart of gold from “The Last of Us,” right? Joel is a tough, rugged name. Can you imagine how much the show would suck if Ellie were running around shouting for “Aiden” all the time?
Biblical names have been popular for thousands of years. However, people tend to choose safe, boring names like David, John or Paul. Don’t be a coward—go with a deep cut that’s bound to make your special little one stand out from the crowd.
How cute would it be to dress your baby Lemmy in a little black hat and shades? You could get a custom pacifier that makes it look like he’s smoking a tiny Marlboro Red.
Simply adding the letter “R” transforms the lame, uninspired name Aiden to Raiden, the cool, lightning badass from Mortal Kombat who slices people in half with his razor-hat.
Okay, I know Varg Vikernes is a horrible racist and murderer, but how cool a name is Varg? You can be sure with a name like that, no schoolyard bullies would dare fuck with lil Varg’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards. .
It’s very likely that Frito Lay will pay you a lot of money to name your kid after their delicious nacho cheese chip. They’d probably even toss in a few snack crates if you tattooed “Cool Ranch” across the bundle of joy’s forehead. Just go ahead and name him Dorito first and worry about inking a deal later.
Why wouldn’t you want to name your child after Glenn Danzig? Just make sure to explain to people that you’re naming him after early-Misfits-through-Danzig-4 era Danzig (including Samhain) and you want nothing to do with whatever bullshit he’s been up to for the past couple of decades. And when the youngin is acting up you can threaten to legally change his name to Michael Graves. Beats the hell out pretending to call Santa, right?
I don’t know, I’m just looking around the office and spitballing here. Basically, anything is a step up from Aiden. You know, something like Folder or Raisin or Xerox…anything will work, really. I guess what I’m saying is everyone named Aiden or has named someone Aiden can get fucked.
Dating can be tough. Do you ever find yourself wondering how to be less of a dweeb and feel more hip around prospective partners? You’ve come to the right place. Unless you have abysmal taste in music or have been living under a rock for the past six years, we’re sure you’ve heard of the universally acclaimed indie-rock angel, Phoebe Bridgers. We’ve scoured her excellent solo works, side projects, and one-off covers to present a list of songs that are sure to help you stay relevant and seem cool when you finally meet up with your latest Hinge match.
Disclaimer: If you’re only reading this article for tips on how to get laid, please refer to our upcoming podcast: “The Hard Times Guide to Fucking Your Way Through Tinder.” Hinge dates are more about feeling seen.
We’re no gossip hounds here, but rumor has it that Bridgers and comedian Bo Burnham just might be friends IRL. If your date seems to be the type that likes to dish that hot goss about two strangers minding their own business in steamy settings like public airports, be sure to work this fantastic Burnham cover into your conversation.
If you happen to be a drummer and somehow find yourself with enough spare time or charm to date anybody, you already have the perfect excuse to spring this one. Thanks to lines like “you said ‘it’s too much shit to carry’,” you’ll be provided with the opportunity to mention your Phoebe phandom as well as your questionable instrument choice. You might be thinking that you’ll lose points by bringing up one of her most popular songs, but esoteric doesn’t always equal intriguing. Chances are, your date will love the fact that you aren’t too cool for one of Bridgers’ top five tracks on Spotify.
boygenius is the first and only project that granted Bridgers the opportunity to work with equally talented songwriters. Having the knowledge of this supergroup is not only mandatory for your eardrums, but is essential to mention if you don’t want your date to think you’re a total fucking dud. Bringing this song up will almost certainly lead to a conversation about how much of a total piece of shit singer/songwriter Ryan Adams is. If you fancy yourself a fan of his and start feeling the ick, politely excuse yourself from the table and go fuck yourself, because that’s the only action you’re going to get from this rendezvous and possibly for the rest of your miserable, lonely life.
Back in 2019, before the world went to shit and you still knew how to make eye contact and talk to humans properly, Bridgers and folk-rock icon Conor Oberst surprised audiences with Better Oblivion Community Center. A dual effort that displayed both artists’ best skills and even made Oberst sound like he was a good singer for once in his life. The opening track to their eponymous debut features several signature Bridgers motifs and is sure to exude an attractive “they listen to other music too” quality. We know what you’re thinking, though: “What if my date asks: ‘isn’t Conor Oberst kind of a dick?’” We’re not sure if he is, and the pair seem to be on amazing terms, but we’ve got you covered.
This track has long been rumored to have painted a rather unflattering portrait of previous bandmate Oberst, which must be a bit awkward for him having contributed backing vocals and co-writes for the album on which it is featured. We’re not here to churn the mill on that topic. If your date happens to be, though, you’re sure to unlock hours upon hours of decrypting the allegedly coded lyrics on this one. Just be sure not to let the conversation go off the rails into your ill-informed defense of John Lennon or Eric Clapton.
You certainly won’t be sorry for bringing up this absolutely heart-destroying lead single from the latest boygenius album. Name-dropping this one not only shows you aren’t afraid of feeling your feels (people on Hinge eat that shit up), but also that you stay up on current trends. It’s a great aura to emanate as there is no bigger turn-off than being anywhere but in the present moment.
We’ve given you a lot of the hits here, but you’re worried your date is going to think you’ve just skimmed a few tracks for conversation pieces. Breathe. You’ve got this. Nothing gives off that sexy “I’ve listened to ‘Stranger In The Alps’ all the way through” vibe quite like uttering the name of this tucked-away sleeper hit. Go ahead king, queen, or anywhere in between. Show your illustrious studied side and let your date know you might be the one.
Hopefully, you don’t make the fatal mistake of telling your date you love them after the two of you have only just met, but if you do, don’t sweat it. It’s been a lonely couple of years and you’re trying your best. When your date recoils at what you hopefully just muttered under your breath, save the day by explaining you were just asking their opinion of Bridgers’ excellent cover of the Cure classic “Friday I’m In Love.” It’s a track that makes Robert Smith’s songwriting sound likable, and it just may help you avoid total disaster.
We’re sure we’re not the first to say it: Confidence is sexy as fuck. You can’t go wrong by claiming you relate to a song in which the first line says “I’m not afraid of anything at all.” Phew, did it just get hot in here or is it you? Bonus points if you can work in how you tear up anytime you hear the line about talking to your houseplants. Unbridled sexuality is nothing if not paired with a strong, yet gentle, nurturing side.
You be asking yourself, “What if my date is also lame and has no clue what the fuck I’m rambling about?” That’s totally fine. Your date is definitely familiar with this TikTok anthem at the very least. Use this one to throw them a bone if the vibe starts getting rocky. They’ll be fascinated upon learning that the song features two verses and a bridge in addition to the chorus they certainly already know the words to.
NEW YORK — Local man Wyatt Whitaker experienced a one-of-a-kind event when his septum piercing began fighting his handlebar mustache in an attempt to win ultimate control of his face, sources who weren’t sure which one to root for confirmed.
“I was walking around Prospect Park when I felt a weird tugging near my ‘stache,” said Whitaker while showing the ten stitches in his philtrum. “At first, I thought maybe a fly got in there again, but when I saw fresh blood on my t-shirt I knew something was wrong. Next thing I knew different sections of my face were going hog wild on each other. I briefly considered taking my piercing out as a way to wave a white flag, but my septum had other plans. Either way, it was like a Civil War on my face.”
Janae Griffith, a barista working at a nearby coffee shop, saw Whitaker’s injury after he ran inside shouting for help.
“That dude was not OK,” said Griffith while playing a video she recorded of Whitaker on her iPhone. “I figured he just had a crazy nose bleed, but when I zoomed in closer it was like a scene from ‘Fight Club’ happening right above his mouth. He locked himself in our restroom after grabbing a stack of napkins and asking if we had any extra disposable razors in the back, so I called 911.”
Dr. Jonah Wiley, sociologist and author of the highly-regarded “Conflict Resolution and Body Piercing,” offered his opinion on the matter.
“The fight for facial dominance makes sense, especially if we consider the fact that the man’s septum piercing was new and that he had pre-existing facial hair,” Dr. Wiley explained while drawing on a nearby whiteboard. “To put it in context, the piercing was like a new baby, and the mustache was like an older sibling trying to adjust to the change. Occasionally professional piercers neglect to mention this potential side effect to clients, but it is in small print on the standard liability waiver.”
At press time, things got even more tense when Whitaker’s inner lip tattoo gradually started shifting to the front of his lips, making it a three-way competition for facial dominance.
Against Me! has experienced quite a rocky road through the punk scene. They were pretty much the last band to get hated on for “selling out” before people stopped caring about that. Even initially, they were dismissed by the punk scene because they played acoustic guitars. They even got called sellouts for going electric in 2002; a concern that was just as ridiculous as when Bob Dylan went through it in 1965. They got called sellouts for everything. Hell, they were called sellouts when they thought about signing to a major label. And, of course, once again when they eventually did sign to one. Yet, all the while, AM! has been consistently releasing music that pushes the boundaries of punk, while maintaining a very devoted fanbase, who remain diehard despite the many changes in the band’s lineup and sound. Today, we rank the albums of the band that no one wants to admit created folk punk. Oh, and spoiler alert: I’m a music snob who prefers the old stuff.
The latest Against Me! album, Shape Shift with Me, is a solid addition to the band’s catalog, but it suffers from an issue that many other alternative bands’ albums suffer from in their later years. They know their sound and their audience so well that newer releases often sound like a fanfic version of their own band.”Shape Shift with Me” has some great moments but this record feels pretty paint-by-numbers. But what do I know? I’ve only been listening to them since before you were born.
Play it again: “Boyfriend”
Skip it: “Suicide Bomber”
Okay, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, this is probably their most critically and commercially successful release and, yes, this is probably the album that got you into the band. Unfortunately, this is a weak album in the context of AM!’s entire discography. It’s mostly mid-tempo songs that sound like a mix of punk and butt rock, which we’ll just call “Buttflap Rock.” The screams were dialed back to yells and the songs are structured and arranged in conventional ways that fail to showcase the best of what Against Me! has to offer. Or maybe I’m just still mad they signed to a major label.
Play it again: “Piss and Vinegar”
Skip it: “Animal”
This record shows a direct bridge between two distinct eras of Against Me!’s sound. Prior to 2005, the band’s songs tended to have an unconventional, almost freeform structure. Another aspect of their signature sound was having two rhythm guitars playing different parts overtop one another. “Searching for a Former Clarity” captures the band as they were shifting to a more conventional sound. Still better than New Wave though.
Play it again: “Even at Our Worst We’re Still Better Than Most (The Roller)”
Skip it: “Holy Shit!”
Lyrically, this album brings back the gut-wrenching honesty that made early Against Me! records draw in such a devoted fanbase. While recent AM! records spoke mostly on external topics like politics and the music industry, Transgender Dysphoria Blues is a return to form in digging deep inside oneself to pull out gems of brutal honesty and self-reflection. Plus, the band was no longer on a major label so it was okay for me to like it.
Play it again: Transgender Dysphoria Blues
Skip it: Osama bin Laden as the Crucified Christ
The songs on this record were rushed. As a result, you have the accidental masterpiece that is The Eternal Cowboy. The songs are fast, loud, and short yet their structure is closer to jazz or prog rock at times. The album flows so well. The whole is absolutely greater than the sum of its parts. Also, check out their demo recording of this album. Ironically, if we were ranking that version, my “play it again” song would be Unsubstantiated Rumors Are Good Enough for Me to Base My Life Upon.
Play it again: “Rice and Bread”
Skip it: “Unsubstantiated Rumors Are Good Enough for Me to Base My Life Upon”
When it comes to this band’s ability to write more conventional music, White Crosses is far and away the best AM! release to date. The leads are memorable and catchy, the lyrics and vocals are compelling, and the polished production matches the music perfectly. Lyrically, Against Me! produced some of their best scream-along songs in almost a decade on this record. It was so good I was able to forgive that it came out on Sire Records.
Play it again: “Bamboo Bones”
Skip it: “Rapid Decompression”
If it were up to me, all of these EPs (along with “Vivida Vis!” and the “Against Me!” demo) would be tied for number one. However, the very strict guidelines that make up The Hard Times rankings system clearly dictate that all EPs, live albums, demos, and any bootleg recordings I made are ineligible for consideration. But go listen to these albums.
Play it again: “Tonight We’re Gonna Give it 35%” (Try to find the demo version that sounds like it was recorded in an airplane bathroom. It’s perfect)
Skip it: N/A, these albums are flawless
From start to finish, “Reinventing Axl Rose” hits you with one iconic scream-along song after another. This transcendent punk album was lightyears ahead of its time. Plus, it’s the band’s only full-length release featuring Dustin Fridkin on bass and backing vocals. The way Dustin and Laura’s voices combine is indescribable and, even though the band released some great stuff after his departure, the loss of Dustin’s voice took away a lot of the power of Against Me!’s vocals. To me, this record is Against Me! at their best. And by that I mean I like that they were on No Idea Records at the time.
Play it again: “I Still Love You Julie”
Skip it: “Jordan’s First Choice”
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Scientists at the Kalvi Institute for Astrophysics and Space Research recently made an unexpected discovery: a Mazzy Star song that wasn’t the one you slow danced to during your eighth-grade semiformal.
“I found it by accident, actually,” said Research Associate, Lisa Brown. “I was looking at some reels on my phone and I saw two seconds of a Mazzy Star video that didn’t appear to be ‘Fade Into You.’ I brought this up during our weekly planning meeting and everyone got very excited. We immediately tried to detect the occurrence again using our extensive parabolic antenna collection, but couldn’t get any signal. I know this wasn’t a fluke, and if another Mazzy Star song exists in the galaxy, our equipment will pick it up eventually. We just have to be patient.”
Hope Sandoval was the voice of Mazzy Star and looks back fondly on the band’s success with “Fade Into You.”
“Yeah, we actually had four records and recorded dozens of other songs,” Sandoval said while clutching her stomach and swaying slightly. “All anyone seems to remember is ‘Fade Into You,’ which we’re grateful for, but really, we had a lot of other music. For some reason, no one seems to believe me when I tell them this. I’ve played physical records for people to prove it, but they just zone out and say something like ‘I’ll just have to take your word for it.’ They only want to believe in that one song they used to make out to when they were fourteen.”
National Science Foundation Chief of Staff, Neil Peterson states that the organization plans on awarding the Kalvi Institute with a generous grant for its work on the Mazzy Star Finder project.
“We’re all obviously very excited about the research being done at the Kalvi Institute,” said Peterson. “For nearly three decades we’ve believed there was only one Mazzy Star song available. The thought of finding a new one, or possibly several others within our lifetime, is a very compelling idea. This discovery could have massive implications for our civilization, particularly on Gen Xers’ sex playlists. That is why we’re awarding the lab with this five million dollar grant.”
At press time, the Kalvi Institute detected what they believed might be a new Mazzy Star song, but it turned out to be just some leftover reverb from “Fade Into You.”
With big-budget action movies like “Top Gun: Maverick,” “Avatar: Way of the Water,” and “John Wick 4” taking over the box office, we contacted legendary director and “The Mandalorian” star Werner Herzog to get back behind the camera and make the next great action film.
Having raised a nearly unlimited budget via crowdfunding, then giving the great auteur as much time as he wanted, Herzog finally came back with mind-numbingly boring landscape footage and dry narration about humanity’s endless, brutal conflict against nature.
Knowing full well that we financially took a bath on this one, we sat down with Herzog to discuss the project:
The Hard Times: “Werner, I just want to say, we respect you and your vision but this isn’t what we were expecting. Maybe you could talk us through some of these scenes, like the roughly thirty minutes of a cactus you chose to open the film with.”
Werner Herzog: “Splendid. As I say in so many words in the scene, the cactus stands alone, as we all must, against nature, against time. The cactus with its spikes which poke ever so sharply, is like a reverse prison, only instead of metal bars keeping one in, its spikes keep us all at a distance, only able to guess what lies within. I can imagine nothing more suspenseful than this.”
THT: “Really? Nothing? Let’s just move on to this next scene. Here we see a partially constructed building. Again, nothing really happens in the scene, Werner.”
WH: “I suppose if you consider man’s struggle to conquer nature to be meaningless then you are correct, nothing happens. However, if you look closely you’ll see nature and man are a blight upon one another. Mankind’s armament is composed of concrete, steel, and its machines. Is it hopeless? Nature is an imposing foe and man itself is of nature. Man surely cannot conquer nature with what it must take from nature itself. This fact I have laid bare within the scene, the tension is quite palpable.”
HT: “You aren’t really making me feel any better about this action film Werner. Okay last one, is the whole third act just footage of you driving?”
WH: “Precisely. A young person at an electronics store convinced me to purchase and install a recording device, which I believe may colloquially be referred to as a dashcam, in my personal vehicle. The footage is truly captivating.”
