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Septum Piercing Fights Handlebar Mustache for Ultimate Control of Man’s Face

NEW YORK — Local man Wyatt Whitaker experienced a one-of-a-kind event when his septum piercing began fighting his handlebar mustache in an attempt to win ultimate control of his face, sources who weren’t sure which one to root for confirmed.

“I was walking around Prospect Park when I felt a weird tugging near my ‘stache,” said Whitaker while showing the ten stitches in his philtrum. “At first, I thought maybe a fly got in there again, but when I saw fresh blood on my t-shirt I knew something was wrong. Next thing I knew different sections of my face were going hog wild on each other. I briefly considered taking my piercing out as a way to wave a white flag, but my septum had other plans. Either way, it was like a Civil War on my face.”

Janae Griffith, a barista working at a nearby coffee shop, saw Whitaker’s injury after he ran inside shouting for help.

“That dude was not OK,” said Griffith while playing a video she recorded of Whitaker on her iPhone. “I figured he just had a crazy nose bleed, but when I zoomed in closer it was like a scene from ‘Fight Club’ happening right above his mouth. He locked himself in our restroom after grabbing a stack of napkins and asking if we had any extra disposable razors in the back, so I called 911.”

Dr. Jonah Wiley, sociologist and author of the highly-regarded “Conflict Resolution and Body Piercing,” offered his opinion on the matter.

“The fight for facial dominance makes sense, especially if we consider the fact that the man’s septum piercing was new and that he had pre-existing facial hair,” Dr. Wiley explained while drawing on a nearby whiteboard. “To put it in context, the piercing was like a new baby, and the mustache was like an older sibling trying to adjust to the change. Occasionally professional piercers neglect to mention this potential side effect to clients, but it is in small print on the standard liability waiver.”

At press time, things got even more tense when Whitaker’s inner lip tattoo gradually started shifting to the front of his lips, making it a three-way competition for facial dominance.