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9 Names to Consider Before Naming Your Child Aiden

So, you’re expecting—that’s amazing! I just know you’re going to be such a great parent and you’ll love and nurture that perfect little angel. So why the fuck are you going to give him a played-out name like Aiden?

We can trace the current popularity of Aiden back to “Sex and The City,” though the name has ancient Irish roots. That’s cool and all—but enough’s enough. Playgrounds are chock-a-block with Aidens these days. Here are 9 other names to consider for your beautiful little boy.


It’s really cute to give babies old-person names. Besides, you can almost guarantee your child will have a lucrative career as a CPA with a name like Norman.


If you’re going to name your kid based on a character from a popular TV show, you could do worse than the mass murderer with a heart of gold from “The Last of Us,” right? Joel is a tough, rugged name. Can you imagine how much the show would suck if Ellie were running around shouting for “Aiden” all the time?


Biblical names have been popular for thousands of years. However, people tend to choose safe, boring names like David, John or Paul. Don’t be a coward—go with a deep cut that’s bound to make your special little one stand out from the crowd.


How cute would it be to dress your baby Lemmy in a little black hat and shades? You could get a custom pacifier that makes it look like he’s smoking a tiny Marlboro Red.


Simply adding the letter “R” transforms the lame, uninspired name Aiden to Raiden, the cool, lightning badass from Mortal Kombat who slices people in half with his razor-hat.


Okay, I know Varg Vikernes is a horrible racist and murderer, but how cool a name is Varg? You can be sure with a name like that, no schoolyard bullies would dare fuck with lil Varg’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards.   .


It’s very likely that Frito Lay will pay you a lot of money to name your kid after their delicious nacho cheese chip. They’d probably even toss in a few snack crates if you tattooed “Cool Ranch” across the bundle of joy’s forehead. Just go ahead and name him Dorito first and worry about inking a deal later.


Why wouldn’t you want to name your child after Glenn Danzig? Just make sure to explain to people that you’re naming him after early-Misfits-through-Danzig-4 era Danzig (including Samhain) and you want nothing to do with whatever bullshit he’s been up to for the past couple of decades. And when the youngin is acting up you can threaten to legally change his name to Michael Graves. Beats the hell out pretending to call Santa, right?


I don’t know, I’m just looking around the office and spitballing here. Basically, anything is a step up from Aiden. You know, something like Folder or Raisin or Xerox…anything will work, really. I guess what I’m saying is everyone named Aiden or has named someone Aiden can get fucked.