After 30 Plus Years, Captain Planet Finally Just Says “Fuck It, We’re Toast”

Posted on by Chris Bowen

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Superhero and crusader for the environment Captain Planet is reportedly ready to throw in the towel on his quest to conserve nature’s infinite beauty, several smog-induced hacking sources report.

“I used everything you people love to warn you that we’ll be fucked if we didn’t start taking climate change seriously,” a very frustrated Captain Planet said. “I had a TV show, a catchy theme song, plenty of merchandising, but no, you still continued not giving a shit. You just had to drive your big trucks, just had to have your cheap factory farm meat, and just couldn’t live without your precious gas stoves. Fuck it, we deserve this. The Planeteers are all assholes now anyways and sold out to big oil years ago, so extra fuck them.”

Gaia’s orderly Gretchen McDaniels expressed concern about the painful toll Captain Planet’s giving up has taken on the Mother of Earth.

“Gaia had been in poor health for several decades, but ever since the Captain lost all interest in saving the planet, her health took a dramatic turn for the worse. No one wants to see their kid abandon all hope like that,” McDaniels explained. “Now she’s on life support, and we’re not sure how much longer she’ll make it. And I’m not sure how all of us are going to pull through when the preserver of harmony, peace and life on Earth passes.”

Professor of Cartoon Propaganda at Harvard University Dr. Herbert Eastman expects to see more apathetic educational characters come forward.

“Unfortunately, when all that fame and fortune ran out for some of these PSA cartoon characters, so did their ability to give a shit,” Dr. Eastman explained. “The most recent and possibly the most tragic story of them all is that of Smokey the Bear. The dude warned us repeatedly about forest fires, but it seemed like a big joke to everyone. After not being taken seriously, Smokey said ‘to hell with it’ years ago and now look, the entire planet is on fire. He even wore pants out of decency, he didn’t have to do that, he’s a bear.”

At press time, Captain Planet was spotted looking for other planets that aren’t “festering shitholes” to protect, and eventually call home.

Punk Living in Car Not Sure if He Needs Auto or Homeowners Insurance

Posted on by Mike Maher

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local punk John “Cancerbreath” O’Connor wasn’t quite sure if he needed auto or homeowners insurance to live in his 1987 Dodge Omni, confused sources confirmed.

“Look, I know insurance isn’t ‘punk fucking rock’ or whatever, but when you’ve been kicked out of as many apartments, squats, hotels, motels, and flophouses as me, you gotta protect what you still got at all costs, even though I only have a few blankets to my name,” said O’Connor while washing his hands with windshield wiper fluid. “But is this a car I live in? Or a house I drive? Fuck if I know. If it’s my house, it means I don’t need a license, which is great news because I don’t have one anyway. Home and/or car ownership is very complicated.”

Janice Mangiacapre, an auto insurance specialist with The General, explains what policy O’Connor needs and why.

“Apparently, the car doesn’t run. It sits on cinder blocks, there’s a kitchen in the goddamn trunk, and the spare tire is now a throw pillow. This guy can think it’s a house all he wants, but John’s absolute abortion of an automobile is technically still a car and therefore required by New York state law to have at least liability coverage,” Mangiacapre clarified. “While the monthly premium of our most basic policy far exceeds the value of his sad ass vehicle, at The General we believe you can’t put a price on peace of mind — even if you drive a piece of shit.”

Liberty Mutual property insurance appraiser and one-time car dweller Earl Fung sees O’Connor’s situation differently.

“I was super excited to hear what John has done with his place,” said Fung. “Full gut renovation. Removed the seats, dash, and door panels, and transformed the interior into a one bed, no bath studio. All furnished by the Big Lots! dumpster he’s parked behind. I thought I was clever when I put a doorbell in my Daewoo. This guy turned the sunroof into a doggy door for neighborhood strays. I was honored to tell John his residence meets the minimal criteria for a homeowners insurance policy. Dodge Omni? More like The Omni Hotel!”

At press time, it was discovered that O’Connor’s car-turned-house is actually stolen, which only qualifies O’Connor for jail time, but he was excited to at least have a roof over his head that didn’t require an insurance policy.

Uncovered Diaries Reveal Johnny Cash Was Initially Planning to Cover “Closer”

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Recently discovered diaries from the late country music legend Johnny Cash show he was first hoping to record a rendition of Nine Inch Nails’ provocative single “Closer” instead of “Hurt,” sources confirmed.

“This is a truly stunning development,” said Johnny Cash Museum representative Tasha Elridge about the diaries, which have been authenticated and were donated anonymously by a relative of Cash. “While Johnny’s rendition of ‘Hurt’ stands as one of his greatest achievements in a career full of them, this chapter in his story has now been forever altered by the knowledge that he was first outlining a version of the song arguably best known for the ‘I wanna fuck you like an animal’ line. In fact, ‘Hurt’ to appeared to be his fourth choice after ‘Head Like a Hole’ and ‘March of the Pigs.’ Almost like he never even wanted to cover ‘Hurt’ in the first place.”

Further confirmation regarding the validity of the diary entries, dated between May and August 1997, was given by Nine Inch Nails founding member Trent Reznor.

“I thought it’d be best to keep this to myself. But now the cat’s out of the bag,” said Reznor. “Johnny reached out to me about how he’d been working out a version ‘Closer’ on a Martin DX. He even played a little for it over the phone when we were on the ‘Fragility’ tour. Even over the crackly landline static, you could tell it was something special. And he understood that just because it’s a song that references sex, that doesn’t make it a ‘sex song.’ I really wish we could’ve gotten a proper version. Instead, Maroon 5 covered it, which made me regret ever writing it.”

Though Cash’s cover of “Closer” remains unrealized and unrecorded, many have offered speculation about it and the impact it would presumably have.

“Based on available data we have regarding Johnny Cash covers of Nine Inch Nails songs we can safely assume that his take on ‘Closer’ would be fraught with the same end-of-life solemnity as ‘Hurt.’ Though perhaps not,” said associate Pitchfork editor Adam Balsewicz. “After all, he did that little known cover of Baha Men’s ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ that was even more rowdy than the original just before he passed. That man was a total enigma.”

At press time, the subsequent discovery of S&M clothing and paraphernalia by Cash’s estate indicated he was also planning to recreate the song’s video.

The 5 Best and, Unfortunately for Everyone Involved, the 5 Worst Releases on Revelation Records

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Sitting down to rank the best albums from one of the most iconic labels in hardcore sounded like a great idea. But wait! Wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we also spent our valuable time combing through the lesser-known Rev back catalog to find the absolute dregs of musical existence and rank those as well? The good news is there isn’t a shortage of material to work with, the bad news is we found the bad shit and had to listen to it all.

The Best

 

5. Into Another “Ignaurus” (1994)

When Into Another first arrived on the scene in 1991 with their self-titled album on Revelation most everyone took one look at their long hair and their shiny shirts and gave it a hearty “Nah, I’m good.” It wasn’t really until “Ignaurus” came out and their sound came together that people really started to take notice. If you can hear that opening chord ringing out in “Drowning” with the running bass and drum lines and you don’t want to do that hand-waiving, side-stutter mosh thing that all the kids were doing back then there is something wrong with you.
 
Play it again: “Drowning”
Skip it: “Two Snowflakes” Has there ever been a song with the word “séance” in it that is good?

4. Quicksand “Self-Titled” 7” (1990)

This supergroup of sorts formed from the fallout of several NYHC bands and released this 7” that seemingly invented a new genre. The slower, drop-D grooves must have ruffled some feathers when it first came out but goddamn does it still hold up to this day. And yes, you could probably draw a straight line from this to something like Breaking Benjamin or any of those early 2000’s Matrix-core bands but you can’t really blame Quicksand for letting that post-hardcore genie out of the bottle.
 
Play it again: “Clean Slate” The one song they didn’t re-record for “Slip”
Skip it: “Hypno Jam With Dan” Probably seemed like a good idea at the time

3. Judge “Bringin’ It Down” (1989)

At the height of posi “society is fucked because of drugs but let’s plaster on a fake smile and pretend we’re all friends” hardcore, these dudes came along to drop some hard truths. This was the soundtrack for a generation of straight edge kids who fantasized about smashing in the face of those partying popular kids in their high school and is really a precursor to the militant X DRUG FREE X chugga bands that would dominate the ‘90s.
 
Play it again: “Give It Up”
Skip it: Trying to pull off the construction-gloves-with-X’s-on-them look

2. Inside Out “No Spiritual Surrender” (1990)

Before Vic Dicara became the angriest Krishna alive and formed 108 and also before Zach de la Rocha started up some rap metal band, there was Inside Out. On their only official release, Dicara’s raw wailing guitar sound mixed with Zach’s pure fucking fury scratched a lot of itches. Out there on the world wide web you can find a live set of theirs with an unreleased song called “Rage Against The Machine” and frankly, we’re glad it went unreleased since anything after these six songs would’ve been a letdown.
 
Play it again: “Burning Fight”
Skip it: Trying to figure out if the opening lyric to “Bulls on Parade” is “Come wit’ it now” or “Ka-wit it now”

1. Gorilla Biscuits “Start Today” (1989)

Trumpets, whistling, harmonica – this album’s got it all! In fact, it’s so good that 34+ years later you can still find GB playing sold-out shows to venues full of both the young and old alike (assuming the olds have found a sitter for the night). It’s both fun and serious, melodic and moshy, and the perfect album to remind you stage dives make you feel alive (again, only if you can get a sitter).
 
Play it again: The whole thing start to finish
Skip it: Coded messages in slowed-down songs

 

These five records are classics, but we promised we would bring you the worst as well. Hop over to page two and read more.

Pages: 1 2

Every The Wonder Years Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Scott Murray

The Wonder Years: the poster band for that one friend you should probably check on. The widely-beloved Pennsylvania pop-punk outfit with 7 full-length records to their name are perhaps most known for waxing poetic about simultaneously loving and hating their hometown more than New Yorkers on vacation.

Throughout their career the band has continually tapped into the pulse of discontented adolescents and jaded adults with their blend of cathartic anthems about growing older and feeling like a failure. The Wonder Years are a tragic death away from becoming a folk legend in their relative circle, the givers of goosebumps, and the carriers of their respective torches. In truest form, revisiting these records made us depressed all over again while fighting the urge to move all our shit into our parent’s basement.

Lastly, if you don’t agree with this ranking just know you’re this generation’s Anthony Fantano (derogatory).

7. Get Stoked On It (2007)

Starting off with an honorable mention, the album that started it all now mainly lives on Microsoft Zunes and bootleg YouTube playlists–and for good reason. Between tacky synths, hilariously bad titles, and extremely-dated suburban white boy hip-hop lingo, this one is painful at best. Years after its release the band would make the mistake of committing to a re-master before realizing how bad of an idea it was. Commenting on the album’s re-release, Campbell said “If you like the record, enjoy the new mixes. If you hate the record, I’m on your side.”

Play it again: Not even this album’s creators recommend doing that
Skip it: Unless you’re a die-hard

6. Sister Cities (2018)

Considering the band started their careers singing about The Kool-Aid Man fighting Cap’n Crunch, this darker, more mature release is actually pretty decent. The problem is, it’s just that. Lyrically it feels less inspired than most, with certain hooks that already lacked depth repeating themselves a few too many times. Unfortunately this album’s lack of standout performances across 44 mins of strained yelling will leave you feeling as sad and empty as the dog on the album cover. Put simply, “Sister Cities” is an enjoyable enough Wonder Years record that is flanked by superior releases. If you love The Wonder Years, you like this record. If you aren’t really a fan, you can skip it.

Play it again: “Heaven’s Gate” (Sad & Sober)
Skip it: “When The Blue Finally Came”

5. The Upsides (2010)

Look, this one is rough around the edges, but it’s deeply important to the band’s history and helped carve out a place for their iconic sound in a burgeoning emo/pop-punk scene. There are still some rowdy tracks that will have you flailing about with angsty teenage spirit while cleaning your one-bedroom apartment, but there is also room for improvement and a definite realization that time has not been super kind to these songs. It’s a good time if you dig their early stuff, but it just doesn’t shine like the releases that immediately followed it.

Play it again: “This Party Sucks”
Skip it: “Hey Thanks”

4. No Closer to Heaven (2015)

The intro and opening track on this record really sets a powerful tone. One that will give you goosebumps, and also make you want to call your siblings and apologize for being a dickhead between uncontrollable sobs. This record showed the raw power of The Wonder Years in a new, more mature light and sent the band hurling into their next chapter as a sadder, more evolved version of themselves. Too bad the production on this one absolutely blows, because between catchy tunes and an amazing feature from Jason Aalon Butler of letlive., this record is an absolute ripper that makes few mistakes and almost all of them are the goddamn drum mix. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?! Can we get a re-master on this one, Soupy?

Play it again: “I Don’t Like Who I Was Then”
Skip it: “Palm Reader”

3. The Hum Goes on Forever (2022)

Finally. A well-produced Wonder Years release that combines their newer sound with crippling levels of sadness and nostalgia. “The Hum Goes on Forever” is guaranteed to make any new parent cry at least twice, and that’s a compliment from this emotional masterpiece of post-pop-punk perfection. The band’s latest release is nearly their magnum opus, and certainly the pinnacle of their second chapter. Coming off of a similar project that didn’t quite stick the landing, there is just so much that this record gets right, and that about all you can ask for from a bunch of pop punk dudes in their late thirties still writing songs about being depressed.

Play it again: “Oldest Daughter”
Skip it: “Songs About Death”

2. Suburbia I’ve Given You All and Now I’m Nothing (2011)

Continuing from the success of “The Upsides” this record saw the band hitting their stride, setting them apart from their peers and giving the kids a nasty string of hard-hitting punk songs about being broke, depressed, and balding while everyone around you gets married. A very strong collection of standout tracks and few relative duds, “Suburbia” plants itself firmly on the band’s upswing into legendary status as it delves into jaded perspectives on organized religion, drug use, and burying a friend. Yeah, it’s mostly sad, but if you’re a Wonder Years fan that’s basically what you sign up for every time you put on their music.

Play it again: “Came Out Swinging” (Yes, it’s because they name check Blacklisted)
Skip it: “Coffee Eyes”

1. The Greatest Generation (2013)

The Greatest Generation is the epitome of a pop punk band reaching relative maturity and finally dating women their own age, or at least close. The pimples of the past have faded as The Wonder Years present the best version of themselves in this relative glow-up that stands the test of time. This record is the farthest you can go while still being called pop-punk, and ushered in the band’s next chapter as the definitive face of the post-punk revival. The subtle harmonies are perfectly placed over the sad poetic passages of Campbell’s writing, and the instrumentation is infinitely smoother as you get taken on a journey through, you guessed it, a series of sad songs about growing older and realizing everything sucks. That said, this is the perfect record for that exact mood which is why we love it.

Play it again: “Passing Through a Screen Door”
Skip it: “Madelyn” and go directly to Dan Campell’s solo project, Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties. Do not pass GO, and do not collect child support.

This Day in Music History July 16th

Posted on by Tim Graham

1966: 10 Year Old Piano Prodigy Kevin “GG” Allin Suffers Head Injury After Falling From Jungle Gym

The one-time wunderkind soon lost interest in classical music and developed a fascination with outlaw country and feces.

 

1968: John Fogerty Writes ‘Fortunate Son’

The business-savvy Creedence Clearwater Revival singer realized that future movies about the Vietnam War era would need a cool song to play over footage of helicopters landing.

 

1971: Jim Morrison Devises Foolproof Plan to Fake Own Death

To reward himself for coming up with such a clever idea, Morrison drew a warm bath and indulged in large quantities of heroin and alcohol which killed him immediately.

 

1977: Delighted Johnny Ramone Finds Perfect Bowl to Achieve Dream Haircut

After years of searching, the Ramones’ guitarist finally located the same 1950s Corningware bowl his mother had used to shape his haircuts as a child.

 

1980: Drug Dealer Mistakenly Delivers Large Amount of Heroin to Tom Petty’s Heartbreakers Instead of Johnny Thunders’ Heartbreakers

“It happens all the time,” laughed the surprisingly understanding dope-sick Thunders.

 

1985: The Cramps Announce Necessity to Tour Normal Rock Clubs as Reagan Administration Shutters More State Psychiatric Hospitals

“It’s getting harder and harder to find good gigs at asylums these days,” said frontman Lux Interior. “Fuck Reagan.”

 

1988: Swans’ Michael Gira Inadvertently Sets World Record For Longest Continuous Scowl

The perennially aggrieved frontman had no idea he was in the running and was completely shocked when a representative from Guinness World Records arrived with a plaque.

 

1989: Kid Rock Completes Reverse-Elocution Lessons in Order To Pass as a Redneck

The six week course successfully eliminated all traces of the aspiring white trash rapper’s aristocratic accent and mannerisms.

 

1992: Supreme Court Strikes Down Law Which Restricted Women in Alt Rock Bands to Only Playing Bass

“I enjoy playing bass of course,” said Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon, “but I’d also like the freedom to play guitar if I choose to.”

 

1996: Lighting Bolt Announce They Will Henceforth Only Perform on Floor

Drummer Brian Chippendale attributed their aversion to being on stage to his inner ear problem, which is exacerbated by altitude.

It’s Too Hot to Go Outside, Check Out What We’re Listening to This Week, July 16th, 2023

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Someday, you will be old. Perhaps that day has already come. Maybe you think you’ll live forever, but you won’t. Regardless of where you’re at in life right now, when your final days are knocking at the door and you’re listening to Pennywise’s ‘About Time’ again for the millionth time, you might start to regret that you never branched out and listened to all the great new music that you ignored while letting each meaningless day pass you by. You’ll probably think that you had more time to indulge in life’s fleeting treasures and beg the Reaper for one more day as he laughs and says ‘nah, bruh’. It doesn’t have to be this way, though. We’ve compiled a list of some of the freshest tracks and forgotten classics to help you start living in the now. Don’t blow it. We’re all counting on you.

Fat Mike “Fuck Day Six – String Version”

In ‘Things We Didn’t Ask For This Week’ News, Fat Mike announced the release of a new album featuring string versions of classic NOFX tracks, entitled ‘Fat Mike Gets Strung Out.’ I’m sure we’re not the first to tell you that Fat Mike’s pop-punk arrangements are actually pretty intelligently written, so it surprisingly makes sense to have a borderline orchestral version of these in the bag. The best part of this venture is that he doesn’t even sing on it, leaving conductor Baz the Frenchman to handle the conducting and arrangement. The first single is a rendition of the NOFX’s ‘Double Album’ cut, ‘Fuck Day Six,’ and it certainly sounds… smarter than the album version. Rumor has it that they’re already working on a second record, so we better at least pretend to like the first one.

Cherry Glazerr “Soft Like A Flower”

Marking the first full-length for lead-guitarist and singer Clementine Creevy’s Cherry Glazerr since 2019’s ‘Stuffed and Ready,’ the recently announced ‘I Don’t Want You Anymore’ is promising to showcase a more mature and emotional side of the band. This is not to say that Creevy hasn’t always injected a sense of moodiness in the group’s catalog, but this is the first we’ve heard her go into Warpaint levels of melancholy. ‘Soft Like A Flower’ builds on a drony groove before smacking into a chorus worthy of the trio’s and cheekier back discography. Before we can accuse Creevy of being too serious, she lets out a doubled laugh toward the end of the track that could either have been a kept mistake or a contrived nuisance depending on how you feel about the group.

A. Savage “Thanksgiving Prayer”

Parquet Courts’ A. Savage has just released his first solo track since 2017’s ‘Thawing Dawn.’ Marking his first single since signing to Rough Trade Records, ‘Thanksgiving Prayer,’ features Savage’s trademark baritone talk-sing atop an arrangement that could pass for a Spoon b-side produced by the ghost of Elliot Smith. Much like his last solo outing, fans of Parquet Courts will immediately be drawn into the familiar tones that permeate the track. On the flip side, even the stingiest hipster that hates the band will have to admit to being impressed by the beautiful arrangements, though they probably won’t deign to do so in public.

Snõõper “Xerox”

Jesus fuck, this band rules. Third Man Records’ latest signee’s sound can be likened to a Devo/Blondie duet played at 45 rpm instead of 33. Hardly any song on their self-titled debut makes it past the minute and a half mark, and each rips through a plethora of punk subgenres at break-neck speed. Coming in about a third of the way through the record, ‘Xerox’ proves to use this formula most efficiently, cramming in two verses, two choruses, and catchy as hell guitar solo in just over a minute. Set this one as the alarm sound on your phone if you want to immediately wake up slam-dancing.

Courtney Barnett “Start Somewhere”

In 2021, Courtney Barnett’s excellent Danny Cohen-directed documentary ‘Anonymous Club’ was released. When working on the film, Barnett began working on ambient tracks with collaborator and drummer of Warpaint, Stella Mogwaza, to serve a score. These fragments that soundtracked the diary entries and segues of ‘Anonymous Club’ have now been re-formatted and fleshed out on a larger scale to comprise Barnett’s fourth full-length and first instrumental record, ‘End of the Day.’ Let one of the three newly released singles “Start Somewhere” soothe you on your commute home after almost punching your boss in the face again.

As part of our company-wide initiative to make sure our staff is staying up to date on current trends in music culture, we recently asked our staff to share the playlists they’ve been listening to. While it looks like we still have a ton of work to do to make these people cool, there are still a decent amount of classics to sift through that might seem new to you considering your banal and limited taste. Here are a few highlights.

Frank Zappa “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow”

This song was featured on one of our editor’s playlists designed for combating insomnia. We really don’t enjoy the image of a sleep-paralysis demon morphing into Frank Zappa’s mustache and dancing around the room while we lay helpless and immobile, but maybe that says more about us and less about our editor. Either way, this song is a deliriously weird bop, and is sure to add some life to your next playlist while simultaneously freaking out all of your friends.

Darrius Rucker “Wagon Wheel”

One of our writers said this one came from a playlist his daughter personally curated, but we know good and well he fucking loves this song. Hell, people love this song so much that we’re pretty sure it’s the most covered unreleased Bob Dylan song of all time. Personally we find it pretty overplayed and are a little upset that the chorus will be stuck in our head for months now, but don’t let us dictate your opinion.

Braid “Killing A Camera”

Uh-oh! We’ve got an elder emo in our midst! Just kidding, we’re not going to pretend Braid doesn’t fucking rule. Though short-lived, Braid’s career likely had an influence on most things you listen to now, so if you’re unfamiliar it won’t matter. You’ll feel like you’re just listening to all the bands you already have on repeat. Pop this one on to broaden your knowledge of emo history and finally be the most pretentious member of your friend group.

Opinion: As an Audio Mastering Engineer, I Also Have No Idea What I Do

Posted on by Peter Woods

I hear from musicians all the time that mastering feels like a black box. You send in your audio files and they come back sounding better. You can’t really put a finger on it. It just sounds better somehow. And you have no idea what the engineer did. Well, as an audio mastering engineer, I can let you in on a little secret: I also have no idea what I’m doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m making it sound better. When you send me your mixes they sound like absolute shit and when I’m down with them they sparkle. But how that happens is anyone’s guess. I turn a few knobs and push a few buttons and at first it sounds even worse. But then I push the other buttons and turn the knobs in the other direction and goddamn if you don’t sound like an orgy of Stradivariuses.

But what do those knobs and buttons do? Beats me. I’ve spent years trying to figure it out and none of it makes any sense. Like, if it was just changing the EQ or something I would get it. But this one here makes the music sound “bigger.” Not louder. Bigger. That doesn’t make any goddamn sense, but its the only word that describes what happens.

Also, do any of you know what “punchy” means? I make music punchier all the time, but I can only do it by accident.

At this point, you may be thinking that if I don’t know what I’m doing then your band can just do it on your own. Go ahead, be my guest. Watch as you take that precious album that took years to write and record and turn it into a garbled, clipping mess. And then when you’re done crying you can crawl right back to me.

Sometimes it feels weird getting paid to do something I don’t actually understand. But at the end of the day, the only thing people want out of mastering is to make the music louder anyways. So if you want to pay me to turn the volume up on your recordings and send it back to you, who am I to say no?

Guest Invited to “Help Himself” to Fridge Containing Hot Sauce and Four Lokos

Posted on by Malia Simon

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local host Dave Pendleton told guest and longtime friend Jeremy Adler to “just help himself to anything in the fridge” despite only having two bottles of hot sauce with the lids crusted over and a six-pack of Four Lokos, starving sources confirmed.

“I just like to be hospitable. If you’re in my house, you make yourself at home. Mi casa, su pasta. I learned that from one of the bottles of hot sauce,” said Pendleton. “I did consider for a second—maybe a millisecond—making a grocery store run before people started showing up, but then I realized that would just create this weird power imbalance, and I’m not about that. I mean, what am I, your personal chef? As my guest, you should be the one stocking my fridge. That’s common knowledge.”

Despite Pendleton’s long-standing philosophy, Adler couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when discovered the limited options in the fridge.

“I mean, I’m all for a casual hang at Dave’s place,” justified Adler. “I’m no spoiled princess bitch, I don’t need a five-course meal, nothing like that. But I’m starting to get worried that Dave doesn’t eat at all. The last time I was here, he said I could help myself but the only things in his fridge were a half-drank Big Gulp from 7-Eleven, an empty jar of pickles, and a box of baking soda that somehow expired three years ago. We need to start hanging out at a Taco Bell or something.”

Etiquette Coach Linda Tottenham confirmed the trend of apathetic hosting.

“Some modern hosts prefer not to put in any effort at all when having people over,” said Tottenham. “Putting in effort for your guests can generally be seen as stiff, uptight, and in some cases, be a sign of weakness. What I always recommend is for guests to bring their own food and beverages. But when it’s time to leave, sneak whatever you haven’t finished out with you. That’ll show them. With parties and get-togethers, it’s best to seek revenge where possible.”

At press time, Pendleton told Adler to put on anything he wants on TV, despite only having an antenna that gets four channels.

Considerate Tall Guy at Show Offers to Narrate On-Stage Action to Short Woman Behind Him

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ANTIGO, Wisc. — Courteous 6’3” man Chris Haller offered to narrate the action happening on stage at a local Wet Nips show to 4’11” woman Rebekah Belanger whose view he was completely blocking, average height sources confirmed.

“And they say chivalry is dead,” said Haller before being asked by venue staff to water a hard-to-reach plant behind the bar for them. “Unfortunately, this isn’t my first time blocking a view at a public gathering. Shows, art exhibits, open casket funerals. You name it, I’m probably inadvertently standing directly in front of the exact thing you want to be looking at. Being tall is such a curse. Anyway, the minute I sensed this vertically-challenged woman standing on her tippy toes behind me to try to get a glimpse of the stage, I knew I had to do something to help. So I started describing in full detail everything happening. I was like one of those ASL interpreters but for people who can hear. Really felt a sense of purpose doing something charitable for someone less fortunate.”

Belanger still struggled to understand what was going on during the show despite Haller’s efforts.

“Every time I tried to contort my body to get a good view of the band, this guy did too. Almost instinctively,” said Belanger. “Not to mention his narration skills were complete dog shit. He just kept naming the song the band was playing in real time as if he thought blocking my view meant obstructing the sound of their music. Can’t believe this was the show I forgot to bring my trusty little step stool I otherwise never leave home without.”

Music expert Chase Clay outlined some basic manners showgoers need to be aware of.

“Audiences usually have to adhere to some sort of etiquette during live music, especially if you’re a beanstalk of a human,” said Clay. “So if you’re tall and you find yourself in this situation, you can offer to hoist short people up on your shoulders so they can see, or you can lift them up in the air Dirty Dancing-style. Or better yet, you can do everyone a favor and leave the show entirely to let the normal-sized people enjoy the action for once, you freak of nature. Otherwise, just make sure to have fun.”

At press time, Haller offered to give Belanger product descriptions of the items in the band’s merch booth after realizing he was still blocking her view.