ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Members of the hard-working stoner rock band, Fuzz Aldrin, were elated to learn this week that they would be graduating to 10-point font on the festival poster of the most anticipated stoner rock fest of the year, Beards & Bongs, sources close to the band confirm.
“It was kind of a surreal moment when we got the news,” admitted Fuzz Aldrin lead guitarist Sammy Ashbluff. “We never would have imagined as a young 5-point font band, listening to and worshiping all of those amazing 10-point font bands, that one day we would be considered one of their peers. I’m pretty stoked to tell my friends and family that they will only have to squint to see our band name on the poster, instead of using a magnifying glass.”
Veteran Beards & Bongs promoter Liz Cassidy says the evolution of Fuzz Aldrin from a plucky untested 5-point font band to a road-hardened 10-point font powerhouse is a true story of triumph.
“It’s been a long road for those guys, but it’s been a trip to how far they’ve come,” noted Cassidy. “Back when they first played the festival in ‘12, you could tell that they were a bit overly excited to just be there. Before their set, they got way too high, even for us, and tore through a bottle of Jack. The singer ended up vomiting all over the mic and monitors, then proceeded to yell profanities at the audience. They were in 5-point font jail for some time after that. Eventually, they worked their way through the font ranks until they could prove that they were mature enough to handle being displayed in a font size most people under 65 years old can read.”
In-demand entertainment lawyer and professed “lover of all music that makes money” Gerald Chamberlain III commented on the perks and privileges the band can now expect.
“I’ll tell you one thing, they sure as shit won’t be stuck in a sweltering trailer with 5-pointers fighting over sweaty cheese cubes on some party tray!” exclaimed Chamberlain. “As 10-pointers, they can and should expect the best. This will most likely include a semi-private trailer, a complimentary bucket of PBR, and a relatively clean Port-O-Potty within walking distance. Not to mention, they probably won’t have to play before 11 a.m. anymore. Rock star shit.”
At press time, Fuzz Aldrin’s manager announced that this would be the band’s last performance at Beards & Bongs unless 12-point font status was granted for next year.