SEATTLE — Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service announced venues on their upcoming tour will provide Yondr pouches to concertgoers in order to prevent them from making contact with former partners during the inevitable emotional breakdowns they will go through during the show, sources confirm.
“I want these shows to feel as comfortable and joyous as possible. We’re celebrating twenty years of two of my most beloved and revered works,” explained the breathless vocalist and guitarist for both acts, Ben Gibbard, while incessantly jogging in place. “I don’t want to get to the refrain of ‘Transatlanticism’ and see a horde of sobbing faces illuminated by the blue light of their phones because they’re looking at photos on Facebook from 2006. It’s so important that the fans are making direct eye contact with me and me only during that line. There’s just no other way I’ll be able to get into it.”
Longtime fan of both bands and former star of the cult classic television show The OC, Adam Brody, expressed relief at the decision to offer a way to prevent access to phones during the concerts.
“Sure, I may seem well adjusted after a successful career, a wife and two kids, and the smug satisfaction of knowing I’m partially the reason anyone likes Death Cab or Postal Service, but I still think about my college girlfriend a lot. Like, an unhealthy amount,” stated a visibly wistful Brody. “Some of these songs are definitely going to tempt me to derail my entire life by trying to get in touch with her. Initially I was just going to cancel my phone plan and reactivate it a couple months after the show, but that would probably mess up our family rate. This is a way better option, in my opinion.”
Relationship Counselor Jane MacKenzie was dismayed to hear about the proposed Yondr pouches, citing a severe threat to her business, but was overall happy to hear the groups were working toward a positive environment.
“Contact with ex-partners is a major catalyst in many couples’ decisions to start therapy. When one person in the relationship is an avid listener of either Death Cab For Cutie or the Postal Service I can basically expect to just sit back and watch the cash flow” sighed MacKenzie. “This tour could have been a goddamn goldmine for me, but I suppose it’s nice that otherwise happy and loving couples will have a fighting chance during this run.”
At press time, Gibbard was seen trying to find a good rhyme for ‘sobbing faces illuminated by the blue light of their phones’ to no avail.
Photo by Andy Witchger.